Of course it’s about control. You say that as if it is a bad thing. Of course you decide when they’re over their ex - if they want to stay with you. They’re free to find the door and not let it hit them in the ass if they aren’t.
Throwing up buzzwords like, “Control,” based on our 1990s kneejerk psychology that all control is bad, does not provide an answer. The mere nature of being in a committed relationship is about exerting control. If you were not exerting control, then you would expect to have no say in who the person sees, what they do, when they come home at night, etc. Most people expect some say in those areas of their significant other’s lives. Having that say is a form of control.
I am a realist. I believe I understand human nature, and I also believe I can generally recognize bullshit when I see it. You may be perfectly fine with that request if you trust your SO. If my SO made that kind of request, I’d seriously reevaluate her status as my SO regardless of whether I trusted her or not. I would expect her to do the same for me. I would hope that she would expect a greater level of commitment from me to our current relationship, and have the sense to be somewhat dubious about the propriety of the situation.
That’s up to you. I would have.
Why did he not respect you? Did you expect to have some level of control over who he sleeps with? Why do you want that level of control; why does it matter to you if he nails someone on a regular basis, if it only takes 10 minutes out of his day?
Oh, we’re on the same page there. I think, however, that people are so concerned about not being “suffocating” and Misnomer’s control issues, that they do not feel like they can simply come out and say it, or they’ll somehow be a bad person. Either that, or they’re afraid of the emotional issues that are there with the ex, and the same realistic concerns that are leading to the jealousy will lead the SO to call the bluff and say, “No, I’m going to do it anyway.” Rather than risk that, we dance around the issue with games.
Do you even realize what you’re saying? Maybe I don’t realize what you’re saying, because it seems like you’re saying that unless the person you’re dating meets your criteria for them being over their ex, they’re free to leave. Why isn’t their word good enough? Why would you date someone whose word you couldn’t accept?
No one said that all control is bad, and it’s not a “buzzword.” It’s a word. And the right one for the situation you describe, which just happens to be negative.
Wow, I so disagree.
“Control” and “influence” are not the same thing: I will have input in how my SO spends his spare time (in the hope that he’ll spend at least some of it with me), but I would never – EVER – expect to control it. If you don’t see the distinction, I really don’t think I can explain it to you.
I have never expected to have any control over who my SO sees. That’s one tiny step away from telling him who he can and can’t be friends with, which any domestic violence counselor will tell you is a big no-no.
I can’t imagine living that way.
Just like with the jealousy thing, I think you aren’t really paying attention to what I write: did the part about “I expect him to respect the agreed-upon terms of our relationship” go right over your head? He didn’t respect me in that he broke a promise to me.
I’m not sure how to make this any clearer. Maybe yelling will work: I DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. But at the start of the relationship we agreed to be monogomous, and I do expect him to keep his word.
Nice try, but you’re the one preaching control and jealousy. I love how they become my issues just because I named them. :rolleyes:
Well of course it’s my criteria. By definition it’s my criteria whether the persons actions are acceptable to me or not. I’m not going to use someone else’s criteria to determine what is acceptable for me.
You exert control by stating that if he has sex with other people, you will leave. You are attempting to exert control over his actions. Whether he does or not is his decision. I think your control and influence distinction is meaningless, and is a failed attempt to avoid the fact that you seek to exert control on people whenever you tell them, “If you do this, I will leave.” And believe me, nearly everyone has certain things that will end the relationship if their SO does them.
That may be up there in the list of most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard.
What are you talking about? God forbid I tell my wife I don’t want her associating with convicted felons, or known heroin users. What if she wants to bring said heroin users into the house with my kids? Am I a domestic abuser by saying, “No?”
No, he didn’t do what you wanted him to. He didn’t move in the direction you told him he had to if he wanted to have a relationship with you. You attempted to control him, and you failed.
I DON’T EXPECT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT HE DOES. BUT IF HE DOES X, HE KNOWS I’M LEAVING.
Your definition of control is interesting. Have you limited it to actually physically grabbing his appendages and moving them; anything short of that is, “influence?”
I give up, SlyFrog. You insist on putting words in my mouth, taking things out of context, changing the definition of words when it suits you, and deliberately missing nearly all of my points (I say “deliberately” because I don’t want to believe that you are that obtuse). I never – never – said anything like “if he does/doesn’t do X I will leave” (in what universe does “I’ll be hurt” equal “I’ll leave”???), because I have never made such a threat in my entire life. Yet that exact perceived threat is what nearly your entire response hinges on.
So I give up. I can’t reason with the unreasonable. Claim victory if you want to, I just don’t care enough anymore.
This isn’t a fight, and I’m not writing to win a “victory.” I just do not agree with what you are saying. I think that you are trying very hard not to admit a fundamental truth; that the nature of a monogamous relationship involves varying levels of control, and saying that one should not “control” an SO is psychotherapist double-talk.
I can “recover quickly” because I have the (possibly conflicting) attitude that people are brought together by fate and no matter how much two people want to be together or not be together if fate wants them to be together things will happen to make it so.
I would be saddened by the loss of the relationship but I would also be able to go on. I wouldn’t be able to date for a while but I would date again.
My previous relationship was over long before I admitted it to be over so I had already done the “greiving” process.