When does an ex stop being an ex?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi there, Dopers.

So, I’m feeling sad about a situation I find myself in, and I’d like to hear some other opinions.

Nearly 15 years ago, I started dating a man. We were in our very early 20s when we got together, and our relationship lasted for three years. We lived together. I ultimately broke it off because what we actually had was a friendship, not a love affair. We almost never had sex, and when we did it was because I felt like we were supposed to, not because of any real desire. What we had was an amazing friendship.

We maintained that friendship after the breakup (though there was maybe six months of, eh, let’s call it “healing time”), and, if anything, the friendship became closer. We both moved on, and the fact that we were dating other people was in no way an issue for either of us. In hindsight, I was spoiled by the fact that his first serious relationship after me was with a woman who was open to my presence in his life, and turned into a friend of mine as well.

They broke up, and he met the woman who is now, years later, his wife. She isn’t comfortable with the fact that he continued to know me, and has basically told him that he is not to be my friend, a request with which he complied. I suppose I should mention that by now I’m married, and to a man who knows all about this guy and who would be fully open to being his friend. I’m sad they never got a chance to know each other, because I think they’d get along famously.

So, he’s married, I’m married. I have no feelings for this man outside of friendship. So many years have passed since we dated. I feel like his wife is putting me on a blacklist for being an ex, but, damn, it’s been over a decade! At this point doesn’t the friendship trump the relationship? It was so long ago, I barely even recognize the girl I was then.

Of course none of this matters in practice, I just wonder if my sadness over having lost my friend is reasonable or if I should have expected this.

Oh, I’m previewing this, and I think I’m coming off more creepy than I mean to. I don’t mean that I want to be all up in his (and her!) face all the time. Not at all. Before we stopped talking, we were on a maybe 4 or 5 times a month email schedule. I had moved out of state, so it’s not like we saw each other. I’ve since moved back, but with my schedule and my husband’s schedule we only even see the people in our direct social circle once a month or so. I’m not pining away for twice-weekly dinners or anything.

2

It is hard to let go of a long time friend. I would honor his request. You never know this marriage may not work out and he will contact you down the road. Marriage changes everything sometimes. I had the same problem when my last bf found out I still e-mail an ex boyfriend. He wanted me to stop emailing him and I just said, if I wanted to be with him I would be with him. We just exchanges emails and very rarely say Hi. He dropped it.

This may not be forever but I know it hurts.

3

I think it’s disingenuous to say it was just a “friendship,” and I don’t blame his wife for being uncomfortable.

In any case, the guy clearly is not interested in perpetuating any kind of relationship anymore, so you should probably just move on. You say you aren’t the same person you were back then, but neither is he, and the relationship’s not the same either.

Nothing wrong with missing a friend from the past, but there’s no point and dwelling on it either. Friends come and go. This one is gone.

And yes, you should have expected it, or at least anticipated it was a strong possibility.

4

:slight_smile: This is the first thread I’ve started since I joined the board, and I have to admit that I was almost looking forward to my first…let’s call it “tough love” reply.

I’m curious what you consider disingenuous. I’m not denying that we had a relationship at one point, what I’m saying is that it (quickly) devolved into, yes, just a friendship. Roommates. No spark.

The thing is, I guess in abstract I agree with you. I suppose if I were to take myself out of this particular situation and make it a hypothetical with my husband and some woman in his life, I’d be uncomfortable too. What’s different here is that a) of course I know my own intentions, and know how innocent they genuinely are, and b) I’d at least meet the woman, if for no other reasons than petty ones. “Hey, you don’t intimidate me!” Bah. It’s stupid, I know. I want her to have met me so I could dazzle her into being my friend too. We could all play bridge! Or something!

Yeah, ok. Wasn’t likely to happen.

5

I have a situation similar to this. To make a long story short, I dated someone, we broke up, she got married to the next guy she dated. He didn’t like me because I was her ex, even though the passion of our relationship had turned into a very strong friendship and that’s all it was. Eventually I got to meet him, we had a brief conversation, he told her he had decided I was alright and that he was cool with us being friends. I recognized that, while he no longer disliked me, he was still uncomfortable with our relationship.

I haven’t talked to her in a really long time. It hurts when I think about it and I miss her terribly, but I respect that he is her husband and that he should be more important to her than I am.

I recommend the OP do the same.

6

A couple of my closest friends are exes. One from 15 years ago, one from 20 years ago. I’ve never had a partner who worried about me being friends with exes, and the partners those exes have had have never (to the best of my knowledge) felt it was a big deal either.

Worrying about something like that seems pretty juvenile to me. We’re all grown-ups, we all have pasts, big deal. I’d be very unimpressed by someone trying to dictate who I’m allowed to be friends with.

7

I’m with Cynic. Your husband is open to you continuing that friendship and that’s cool, but I know that I wouldn’t be comfortable with my gf or wife being friends with someone she fucked.

8

I can’t imagine myself wanting to restrict a spouse’s other relationships.

9

If only we were all so enlightened.

10

As far as I’m concerned your relationships with other people never end, they just change form. The idea that you can just excise a relationship from your life is idiotic. You still have some form of relationship with everyone you have ever known even if you never see them or even if they are dead.

So the only thing that matters is finding ways to deal with these relationships that aren’t full of wasteful negative energy. Luckily when you get older you, in my experience, stop giving a fuck about how things “should be” and start using what works and makes life better and easier. Unfortunately some people age so slowly that they die before they learn this.

11

I find myself agreeing with Diogenes more than I used to. Perhaps I should be suspended for my own good. :wink:

I would only add that maybe this guy would be interested in a friendship with you if his wife was cool with it.

But shes not. And her needs apparently are more compelling than maintaining the friendship the way it was. Life often presents us with an “either or” choice that is difficult or unpalatable.

Theres no reason to believe he doesn’t value or even miss your friendship. But he apparently values his marriage more.

And theres nothing wrong with that.

12

It is possible that she is just trying to control him, which is a issue between them and God, and is the dynamic they set up which really is not your concern.

-or-

She is viewing you as a threat to their marriage. Though you may not have been ‘married’ to your ex, you basically acted as married for a time, you shared with him aspects of what a marital relationship is, and formed a type of marriage with him.

The friendship you have stems from a aspect of the above semi-marriage to him, now that aspect of a friendship should go to her through him, and yours should go to your husbands. You both may be hanging on to that aspect of your semi-marriage in which case you and your ex can get comfort from this friendship that your spouses have no way of getting.

13

There are two things at work here, and both are valid.

Yes, the wife is being controlling and immature. These kinds of restrictions are characteristic of middle school relationships. By the point that you are married, you should be able to recognize that your SO has their own life and has become the wonderful person they are as a result of their past experiences. You should be able to trust that your SO is not going to run off with one of their friends, just like you trust they are not going to run off and spend all their money on hookers and blow. Anything less than that is getting into shaky ground for a supposedly mature relationship.

But…

Your friend has his reasons. It has nothing to do with you personally, he didn’t have a great set of choices to begin with, and he went with the choice that for whatever reason he thought was best. When you look at it that way, there is really nothing else he could have chosen. You guys had some great times together- focus on that instead of worrying about what he “should” be doing now. People just do what they do. When they do something that isn’t what you’d like, you can choose to let it hurt you or you can choose to move on. What good is it to dwell on this.

Anyway, you don’t know the future. Maybe he has a lesson he needs to learn, and maybe one day there will be a place for your friendship again.

14

Having a partner feel uncomfortable with exes as friends isn’t uncommon, and you shouldn’t be surprised. However, you aren’t overreacting by being upset - his wife is basically questioning your (and his) motives. More importantly, the loss of a friend sucks. Just don’t do anything rash, and try to accept that they may split up, she may come around, or you may never see him again. Easier said than done, but what’s the other option? Online stalking? :wink:

15

I don’t get why women are mystified by this attitude by other women. Many married women will make quite reasonable judgments that women with whom their husbands used to have sexual relations are not preferred company, and add an unnecessary element of tension and worry to their lives. People who used to be ex’s (even long ago) will re-connect and get together physically all the time. It’s a fairly common element in affairs, and cheating on current marriages.

Wives (or husbands for that matter) don’t have to controlling and crazy to be uncomfortable with ex-SOs. In a practical sense it’s quite prudent for a married woman to be wary of ex-girlfriends.

16

In the practical sense, it’s prudent not to marry someone you don’t trust.

Personally, I agree with you that after so many years, he’s a friend, not an ex. And honestly, “you can’t be friends with people you’ve had sex with” strikes me as a mindset of someone young enough not to have a whole lot of experience with sex, let alone the spectrum of human relationships.

Doesn’t matter though. His wife doesn’t share that perspective, and ultimately it’s as simple as his relationship with her is more important to him than his relationship with you, which is frankly as it should be. It sucks for you, but don’t take it personally.

17

:rolleyes:

18

Roll your eyes all you like dear, but some of us grown folks would find our social circles quite diminished if we weren’t allowed to enjoy the company of anyone we’d ever seen naked.

Perhaps instead of being so dismissive, you can explain to me exactly why a person you’ve had sex with is only and ever a person you’ve had sex with, and nothing else about your relationship with them matters?

19

True, but people are people, and the heart wants what it wants. While it’s nice to assume everyone is a mature adult people (including wise and mature women) are often swept away by their emotions, desire etc. upon re-connecting with an ex. Bringing or including an SO’s ex into the family circle of friends and associates may feel good and mature, but it’s also rolling the dice for some people.

On a personal preference basis I agree with you completely. I am not a particularly jealous person, and if someone wants to be buddies with an SO go for it, we’re all adults, and I don’t want to live like hormonal teenagers. I won’t stay with someone who is unfaithful, but I’m not going to play relationship cop.

Having said this many adults who you think are level headed and responsible can behave like teenagers if the stars align just so with another person. Ex’s getting back together deliberately or accidentally is such a common cause of cheating in marriages it’s practically a cliche. It would be stupid for a woman to ignore the risk factors in having ex’s in her social set.

20

astro, I don’t disagree that people don’t always behave the way they should. Thing is, exes getting back together may be a cheating cliche, but so is the excitement of the new, which means you’re rolling the dice every time you let your spouse out of your sight.

There are no guarantees. There’s only trust. If you don’t have it, reconsider the relationship, don’t reconfigure your social circle.