It kind of overrides everything else about the relationship. I think it’s ridiculous to piss all over people who have any discomfort about their SO’s still slipping around with old fuck partners. Obviously, there is a sexual attraction there or they wouldn’t have fucked in the first place. I never believe it for a second when people say they’re “just friends now.” My ass. They might not be fucking right now, but they still want to. It’s like they’re keeping a booty call on retainer. Spare me the idignance.
Seriously? There’s no one you’ve had sex with that you wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to fuck again? Really?
If sex overrode *everything *else about the relationship, then wouldn’t you still be together, if the sex was any good at all?
This is more disingenuity. A partner being “out of your sight” is not close to the same thing as a partner being with someone they had a relationship with.
By the way, there’s also a difference between someone you’ve just had sex with nce or twice and someone who was actually an SO, with all the emotional history that entails. It’s much easier to fall back in bed with someone you have that history with – someone you were once presumably in love with – than some random stranger you meet on a business trip or something.
There’s always people in these threads who like to climb up on their high horses and look down thier noses at the unenlightened masses that are so immature by daring to feel uncomfortable with their SO’s being besties with their exes. I’m curious as to how many of those posters have actually found themselves in such a situation.
I think it’s a totally normal feeling to not be keen on your SO being friends with an ex. Dated briefly for a few months 10 years ago? That’s one thing. But once you get into the realm of having lived together and thus, shared a life together, it’s something quite different.
My bf was going through some old papers yesterday. He found a picture of him at his high school girlfriend’s prom years ago (he’s in his mid-thirties now). He told me they still keep in touch. I didn’t bat an eye. High school girfriend? No big deal. OTOH, if he were to tell me he still keeps in touch with his ex that he lived with for 6 years and just broke up with a couple years ago? That I would have a definite problem with, for reasons kanicbird posted. It’s not controlling, it’s not immature. It’s normal.
Depends on your partner, really. (Also, you should learn what ‘disingenuous’ means. It doesn’t mean ‘disagrees with Dio’, although I can see how you’d make that mistake.)
I’m fully aware of the difference between an ex and someone you’ve had sex with. I’m friends with almost all my exes, and somehow we’ve managed, over the intervening years, to not rip each others’ clothes off as soon as we’re alone. Go figure.
Wha?
Even if we accept that everyone would like to fuck their ex (which is a pretty big leap- you guys broke up for a reason, after all) so what?
We hang around people we want to fuck all the time. We want to fuck that cute girl at the office. We want to take that fine looking man at Subway home. We want to screw our friends wives. I can think of at least 20 people I’d like to fuck right now, and my ex is pretty far down on that list. But if I were in a committed relationship, I wouldn’t fuck any of them- no matter what they did- because that’s what being a committed relationship means.
Anyway, personally I give and expect nothing more than trust and respect. If my man wants to spend the night with a bunch of naked strippers, I have two choices:
A. Decide he is not a suitable partner and break up.
B. Decide he is a trustworthy partner and let him hang out with the strippers.
I don’t consider “attempt to change or control him” an option. Adults love and respect each other for who they are, not for who they wish they were. And in the end, a cheater will cheat and a loyal person won’t. There is nothing you can do to stop a cheater from cheating. There is nothing you can do to make a loyal person cheat. So why not approach your relationship with love, hope and trust instead of suspicion and control?
Sure, I wouldn’t want to be friends with them either.
My “relationships” prior to meeting my wife were pretty much just sex and nothing else, so yeah, that was all there was to it, but we’re not really talking about just prior sex partners, but people with whom we’ve had full bore relationships. The OP is talking about a guy she lived with. not just some guy she slept with once.
I can also see the annoyance of a partner talking about what a great “friend” an ex is, and how wonderful he/she is, and how much they are missed. That’s a smack in the face to the current SO. It implies the current SO is inadequate and is less than the ex.
Trying to hold onto these past relationships when it makes the person you say you love now uncomfortable is immature and selfish, in my opinion.
I know what the word means, and I’m using it correctly. The protestations of innocence, and that there is no lingering emotional entanglement or sexual attraction to ex SO’s is flatly disingenuous.
“Respect” means not showing contempt for your partner’s feelings.
Wow, sweetheart. You’re certainly pompous.
And some of us folks haven’t seen all of our friends naked.
You’re the one dismissing me because apparently I’m a naive, ignorant child. Cynic certainly isn’t “too young” to understand relationships, but I guess he’s just a fluke, right? Get over yourself.
So you’re not going to explain, then?
Unless, of course, your partner’s feelings are that they’d like to continue to be friends with someone they used to have sex with.
Wrong. That’s a perfectly normal and healthy thing to be uncomfortable about, and anyone who can’t understand and respect that is not ready for an adult relationship. Sleeping with all your friends doesn’t make you an adult. There’s a little more to it than that.
If I had read this a few minutes earlier I would have given a sloppy explanation, but Cynic keeps hitting it out of the park. 
In all seriousness, of course you wouldn’t ‘get’ why someone would want to stay (sexless) friends with their previous SOs, if sex was all there was to your previous relationships.
I’m friends with the exes whose company I enjoyed outside the bedroom. The ones I *liked *while while we were together, and didn’t stop liking when we broke up. I don’t have sex with everyone I like, and these guys are no different. They’re not reserve booty, they’re my friends.
I respect the fact that you obviously feel very strongly that this is the case. However, I’m frustrated because, well, you’re wrong here but you feel comfortable calling it a lie. It’s not disingenuous, it’s not a “protestation of innocence”, it’s the truth. I know you think I’m not being honest, possibly even with myself, but I really just don’t have those feelings. There’s no way to let anyone else into my head, though, so while it’s a point of view I have a difficult time understanding, you’re of course entitled to it. However, I’d like to reiterate the part of the OP where I mentioned breaking up with him because there was no sexual chemistry, and where I said we had almost no sex life.
Anyway, I appreciate reading everyone’s thoughts. I don’t hold this situation against my friend, and I don’t hold it against his wife. I feel like she’s judging me on the wrong merits (ex, not friend), but that doesn’t matter. She comes first, and I support that. I really just wondered what Dopers thought about a relationship statute of limitations, where a new title can supplant the old one.
Bullshit. You don’t get to define normal and healthy, and your definition of “respect” is comparable to a toddler’s definition of “fair”, it only applies to *you *getting *your *way.
We’re not talking about sleeping with your friends, we’re talking about being friends with people you’ve slept with, it’s not the same thing. And I’m apparently several ‘adult relationships’ up on you, having had more than one with people that I had actual feelings for.
Let’s put it this way.
If the only thing keeping your SO from banging their ex is that you don’t allow it, what does that say? Do you really think that this is an effective long-term strategy? If dude (or chick) is gonna cheat, their gonna cheat. Cheaters find a way to cheat.
I was actually recently prepositioned by an ex to become a “thing on the side.” I am strongly attracted to him and would love to bang. But I said “no” because his proposition showed no respect for me, it showed no respect for his current girlfriend, and nothing good could ever come out of it. It’s pretty easy to turn down people you’d like to bang when you know it’s wrong.
Anyway, this experience taught me something. I never trusted this dude, and that’s a big part of why we broke up. I felt STRONG urges to read his phone records, question where he goes on his nights off, question his friendships, etc. For a while I didn’t because I don’t do that. When this feeling wouldn’t go away, we ended things. Surprise, surprise, turns out he’s a cheater. No amount of controlling I did would have changed his basic nature. When the trust isn’t there, you gotta leave.
Now, if his girlfriend had succeeded in forbidding us from hanging around together, do you really think that would have been the end of that and he would have been good and loyal to her? Not a chance. Cheaters cheat and that’s what happens.
Sure, we all have an inner sixth grader in our heads saying “but your my best friend.” But then we handle these feelings like adults, recognizing that one person cannot be everything to one other person. Your partner has had and will have other emotionally intimate friendships. They have and will have other people they care strongly about. They have and will have some things they do not reveal to you. You will never be their entire world. It’s unpleasant, but it’s a reality. You will never be everything. You can only hope your partner chooses to make you the most important thing to them. Love is not taking over your partner. Love is appreciating your partner for the beautiful complex person they are.
We recognize that while our partner’s past may call up some primal jealousy, this is our own insecurity speaking. The truth is that our past and current relationships of all types are the things that have shaped us into the person we are. My ex’s, none of whom I have any desire to get back together with, are as much a part of my story as my parents. To get rid of my experiences with them would be to get rid of a part of myself. But if I say I am not going to sleep with them, then I am not going to sleep with them. You just have to trust this one.
Yeah, well if I were in a situation where my partner was trying to dictate who I could be friends with, I would most likely decide we have very different ideas about relationships and end things.
Sometimes, a/the reason you stopped fucking them is because you lost the sexual attraction, or because the ex-partner just isn’t that good at said fucking. I have some definite examples from my past who I wouldn’t touch again, even if I was available.
I have a friend with whom my relationship is very similar to yours - we dated for a few years, broke up and became very good friends.
My husband and I are good friends with he and his new wife (we were actually at their baby shower yesterday) and we go out periodically as couples for movies or skating or whatever.
The difference is, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know that he and I ever dated - she just knows that we’ve been friends for a very long time. Now, I’m sure some will question his decision not to tell her; however, it was HIS decision - I had nothing to do with it. We did talk about it a little, and I said I would be OK with whatever he decided; however, in our case it’s such a non-starter he decided there was no point in bothering with it.
Although, even with all this, perhaps she DOES know - we’re all still friends with the same group of people who knew us when he and I used to date - maybe someone let the cat out of the bag?? Who knows. However, the only time we see each other is as couples, and I wind up spending more time chatting with her, and my hubby spends more time chatting with him.
Dunno, really.
Anyhow - in your case OP, if the wife isn’t on board, well…I think you’re SOL. Unless you could suggest couples activities? Maybe she would be more comfortable if you were there with your hubby?