When does hanging out with your ex girlfriend considered foul?

My boyfriend and I hang out 24/7, since we work in the same building, we share a carpool going to and coming from work, we share the same friends (though they are originally he’s circle of friends) and we kind of do things together all the time.

Enter the ex girlfriend, who holds a special place in his heart, because he considers her his best friend from university years, and that with her he can talk a lot of things that are of much higher sense (which honestly makes me feel really awkward, it’s like saying, he finds it really dumb talking to me).

So, fast forward, he now starts to go out on lunch with her on the weekends, brings her to nice restaurants for catching up, he says. I told him that I don’t feel comfortable with him doing that since I thought if she was his good friend then it would have been nice if I can also get to know her. And he would start to rant on me, that I was being insecure and jealous and that I am not welcome to take part in their circle, in their conversation. That it would be awkward for us three together to have lunch and that they are both scared of what I might do to her.

So the ex already prejudged me without even knowing me. I remember very clearly how this ex made him choose before between hanging out with me and her (that was when we were not committed in a relationship and neither were they) and he chose to give me up.

And now, it’s my turn to share my sentiment and he said he doesn’t care if I feel hurt and that my feelings are unacceptable. And that in Western culture, it is completely alright for exes to go out together without the current girlfriend.

Like what the hell?

So when does hanging out with your ex girlfriend considered foul?

It’s considered foul the moment they break up - your boyfriend is completely out of line on this one and you have every right to be suspicious.

I don’t mind if somebody I’m dating is on friendly terms with an ex and I don’t even mind if they occassionally catch up with each other on what’s going on. But the ex should never take priority over a current relationship, and if you find that he is doing that it’s time for a serious talk to sort out his priorities.

This is better suited to IMHO than GQ.

General Questions Moderator

The fact that he is belittling you openly and discounting your concerns is even of more concern than having lunch with his ex. He is showing you exactly what your worth is to him- you’re not worth being part of this social circle and your feelings on it aren’t worth considering.

I don’t want to say anything hurtful, but really, if this is the way he treats you it seem pretty disrespectful.

I’m intrigued… what might you do to her?

This is a red flag.

With a siren.

And a flashing light.

And someone in a panda suit standing 100 yards away, with a sign saying ‘Red flag 100 yards’.

Dump his sorry bum… He shouldn’t be that attached to someone who’s an -ex-.

Maybe thank her for providing such a great impact on what he has become right now, that he has that high regard of her. Honestly, this is just what makes me suspicious somehow, because if the ex is scared to be alone with me, it gives an impression that she has other intentions.

Or what HE is saying to her about you! It just seems he has a pretty low opinion of you.

To quote Dan Savage: Dump The MF Already!

I don’t think that people should NEVER hang out with their exes, but your boyfriend has his priorities all wrong. The way he treats you comes across as extremely disrespectful - unless there’s a side of the story you’re not telling us. (Like, uh, have you threatened to stab her eyes out with a spoon if you ever meet?)

As others have already said, an ex should never take precedence over a current partner.

'ya think!?

There’s a saying 'round these parts: When someone is showing you who they are, your job is to see.

This has got disaster written all over it. 'Ware the flags and sirens and flashing lights.

I don’t know what western culture he’s thinking of. It’s not OK to go out with an ex girlfriend in a dating type atmosphere (i.e. lunch together alone at a nice restaurant), where the current GF is specifically excluded from attending.

Hanging out with a group of friends, one or more of which may be exes, is generally OK. This relationship, as you’ve described it, is very inappropriate, especially the idea that you are not allowed to even get to know this girl.

He has told me a few times (when we were just starting out) how he really want her but that she was just not ready yet for a relationship then. I guess it’s just always play back in my mind.

There’s your answer - you’re being played. As soon as she is ready to take him back he’ll leave you to go with her. You deserve better.

I don’t recall ever threatening doing anything to her. If he likes her, that she must be nice. But I don’t get to see that first hand though. I mean, as a courtesy, she should have known better that he has me now, unless my disrespectful boyfriend asks for him to see her, that’s beyond her control.

Thank you. I know I deserve better. I let myself played. I guess, I just need to be strong right now.

Run away.
Run away now.

You really only have two options:

  1. Stay with him until he cheats on you with her, then eventually dumps you for her. He may have already got to the “cheats on you” part.

  2. Break up with him now, and he’ll go to her.


It’s going to suck either way, but maybe #2 will suck a little less in the long term.

Well, it is entirely possible that she (the ex-gf) doesn’t have that much use for him; still, dump dump dump dump.