Her exboyfriend…from a year ago is an alcoholic controlling loser (those are all technical terms)… And i run in to the guy once in a while at work. (We cross paths)…
Anyways, I saw him today and it really made my stomach turn…
She and I are about to potentially start a umm…sexual relationship…but when I think that she slept with that guy…I get literally sick to my stomach…
So my question is… Is this something I deal with on my own? Is there some value in discussing this with her? “Tell me again why you were with that guy cause it makes me really ill to think about being with a woman who was with him…?”
That might not be a conversation you want to have with her- “Hey honey, how could you have such shitty taste and low self-esteem to sleep with a total loser asshole like that guy?” You might not be getting laid after all…
Get over it. Everybody has a skeleton in the closet- be thankful she hasn’t met any of yours.
I think you can either grow up and get past it or you can’t, and that you should probably pick one before you start sleeping with her. Because if you sleep with her and *then *tell her that it makes you ill to be with a woman who was also with him, well… that makes you less of a total jerk loser than him how, exactly?
Man, girls can’t get a break. First we suck because we’re attracted to bad-boy jerks. When we stop dating jerks, all you can think about is how we used to date jerks.
It’s enough to make me take up lesbianism.
Seriously, rather than think about who she let do what to her before, be happy that this great girl isn’t with a jerk anymore and is available to date you.
Yeah, not to belabor the point (though I am obviously about to) – look at it this way. Let’s say you did have that conversation. What could she possibly say that would make you think, “Oh, OK. Now I feel better.”?
She perceived both him and herself differently while they were dating. Trust that her judgment improved on both counts. After all, they are no longer together AND she thinks you’re cool.
Maybe I’ll be the first in this thread to tell the OP, I understand. Really. You are human, which I know makes you underqualified to be a Doper, all of whom are much more mature than the average bear and will tell you so at the slightest provocation.
I have met exes of my SOs on occasion. Sometimes I’m impressed, sometimes meh, and other times, I’m queasy like you are. On a couple of occasions, I’ve thought, “Her? REALLY?!?” However, I can tell you that nothing good ever comes of asking, “Why were you with that person?” I’m pretty sure the answer won’t be anything you want to hear. What if she said he was the fuck of the century and had a huge dick? Or that he was hilariously funny? Would that make you feel better? Chances are, nope. Don’t bother. Just decide if you like her enough to get past it. If you don’t, maybe it’s not really because of this guy. Maybe it’s because there’s something about her you really don’t like that manifests itself through disgust for her ex.
I for one won’t judge you if you decide to walk away. Everyone’s got their limitations.
And “words” don’t equal “kick in the balls” where I come from. But since this is shit you’ve dragged over from another thread, that’s the last I’ll say of it here.
Baggage? OK. It couldn’t be that I think it would be better not to judge the OP or insult him by calling him a “total loser jerk” in order to make a point. It’s human to have doubts about your new SO as you’re finding out the kind of person she is. If the thought of having sex with her makes you queasy, and you think it’s because of her ex, you should think very carefully before proceeding. This may be your unconscious mind telling you that there’s something about her you can’t deal with, and the ex is just an external prompt for those feelings. Worth thinking about.
Deciding to walk away does not mean he’s a jerk or immature, either. It makes him human, possibly having an intuitive sense that this girl isn’t right for him. But acknowledging that someone’s feelings are valid even when they aren’t the loftiest or noblest doesn’t make for great pronouncements from high horses.
This isn’t baggage from a previous thread. This is baggage with this message board in general. Anyone who’s taking it personally might consider it’s not all about them.
I did not call him a “total loser jerk”. I told him that’s what he *would *be if he slept with her before working this out, and *then *told her it was an issue.
Don’t let what I actually said influence your opinons though.
ready29003, welcome to the Dope. Don’t be scared, we’re not usually this pissy.
Please show me where in the two posts quoted above in their entirety did I ever call ready29003 a “total loser jerk.” What thread are you reading?!? Stay or go, with no judgments attached except the ones you are imagining. :rolleyes:
And by “baggage” I was referring to DianaG’s comment that perhaps you came into this thread with unfinished business with her…
You’re right, you didn’t say that. My apologies. I do think the overall tone of the posts in the thread was a bit harsh. His feelings are very human and I can relate to them. I think he’s struggling because part of him thinks his feelings are petty and unworthy, but vying with that is this very real, sub-rational feeling of disgust that overwhelms his rational sense that he’s being silly. It’s tough to negotiate that, because I know that when I feel disgust for someone, it really puts a damper on love/lust. It might not be an immature response. She really might have some quality that’s making a big warning sign go up for him.
But, overall, we seem to be in agreement that he should resolve the issue and the urge to bring it up before he gets further involved. Maybe he should just bring it up and see where that conversation goes. If it quells his nausea, then he can proceed, though he needs to be prepared to hear things that make him feel worse, not better, and accept the fact that the conversation may alienate or insult her if he puts it wrong. Have it out, if you must, with the understanding that it could be the end of the whole thing. If it’s not important enough to risk that, then you really have to just let it go.
ETA: DianaG can think whatever she wants about my reasons for posting. It ain’t all about her, or you either, EJsGirl. It’s a general feeling that’s been building for a while. I think you (the collective you) were a little harsh on the OP. You want to take it personally, go for it. It has no basis in any other thread in particular, though perhaps other things she’s posted have contributed to this feeling. But it’s bigger than that, believe me.
Not to get in the middle of this, but I really appreciate both forms of response.
I like the tough love:
“I think you can either grow up and get past it or you can’t” - which does imply it is rather stupid immature and unfair and utterly pointless to judge someone based upon a previous partner. I am a very strong person and I like to think I should be able to behave and even change my emotional attitude to things rationally.
Of course, if it turned out I was not able to get past it…and I didn’t already have a huge ego…I might start to question my maturity, nobility, enlightened self and all that… And in that case, it would be nice to hear someone say…we are only human, it is not necessarily due to a personality deficiency that you cannot get over it…and heck…there may be way more to it than just that…
And heck…I still don’t know which boat I will end up in… The situation is actually a heck of a lot more complicated than simply this one ex boyfriend, but that particular point I felt I really needed some straight feedback… So thanks to each of you and we’ll see. .
But seriously, slagging a girl’s ex is like slagging a guy’s mom- seldom ends well.