Is this unhealthy thinking? Almost dated a girl.

Short version:

I liked girl.
Girl likes me.

Chatting up said girl I find out she dated Douchey McDouche for like six months.

I no longer want to date girl. We hang out in a group setting once a week.

No harm, no foul, I guess because we haven’t even been out on a single date. We had/have plans to in the near future as our schedules permit. But now, I really don’t want to.

I still like her as a friend tho’.

I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. Should I?

I don’t know if I’d say it’s “unhealthy” but that line of thinking is definitely not going to get you anywhere.

Losing interest in a girl based on her dating history is a good way to probably never date another girl, ever. If it helps at all, perhaps you can inquire about the relationship, but remember that it really isn’t any of your business.

I’d say to go for it anyway. They are not together anymore for a reason, be less of a douche ike he was and maybe she’ll like you way more than she ever liked him.

EDIT: I think I’d be happy to learn a previous boyfriend was a douchebag, the more recent the better for me. Means I can be completely awesome in her eyes by simply not being an idiot. Anything above that is going to make think I’m the best that’s ever happened to her. Especially when we go to bed. :wink:

Humm - well, it seems a bit hasty. Assuming she’s not a nutter, he was probably not douchy to her when they first started dating - he was probably somewhat nice or she wouldn’t have gone out with him.

Why did they break up? Did she discover he was a douche and dumped his ass? Did he cheat on her with 10 women and 1 goat and she broke up with him? Did he dump her and she’s pining away just wanting to date you to make him jealous?

Just writing her off because she dated a douche seems a touch hasty.

Now, if you’re grossed out because you don’t want his sloppy seconds, that’s a bit different.

She’s better off w/o you if you can’t get past her having a past. You could check w/ religious boarding schools to see their graduation schedules if you think you couldn’t be coupled w/ someone who’s dated before.

Thanks. The thing is tho’, I don’t usually know the person first hand that she’s dated before. So there’s that.

They broke up because he’s immature and didn’t want to commit. Just so we’re clear. When I say the guy is a douche. I mean he is a douche. Not the trademark asshole who gets all the pretty girls.

This is what’s sticking in my craw. It just makes me feel like she has a serious lack of judgment. Which is unfair on my part I know.

His doucheyness includes:

Willful ignorance. As in, I’m right everyone else is wrong.

Has the inability to talk about anything other than himself. To elaborate: A group of us were having an in depth conversation about politics. Having nothing to add to the conversation, he tries to go off on a tangent about a cool car he used to own. :dubious: After an awkward pause, the rest of the group continues on with our conversation. Thinking, maybe he’ll get a clue. He did not. He kept trying to steer the conversation to various other things about himself.

Makes you sound like you must have nothing but a stellar past, never made a mistake in whom you chose to date, were never deceived by someone who wasn’t what they seemed. In which case, bully for you.

I think you feel guilty for a reason, you’re being judgmental. The world’s not going to end because of it, but if I were you, I’d be listening to that little voice. It’s trying to tell you you’re a better person than this.

Every person who has dated has probably dated a douche/asshole/crazy person. I am hard-pressed to think of anyone I know who hasn’t. You’re coming off as pretty unjustifiably judgmental, IMO.

It’s easy to develop feelings for someone before you realize he’s a douche. And once you’re in a relationship, the motivation is generally to try and make things work.

Yeah, and if what you say is really true, then you’re going to look really good in comparison to him. And you can brag about the Nobel Laureates you’ve dated.

I think you should try to get past this. I’ve dated some men in the past that, looking back, I can’t imagine what I was thinking. I’m now married to an amazing man, and we have a fantastic relationship. I’m very glad he didn’t dump me because I dated undesirable men in the past, and I’m sure he feels the same way. People make some mistakes. Get over it.

Yes, I think it’s unhealthy. You’ve said a lot more here about him than about her, and I get the impression that you’re much more invested in disliking him than in liking her. I would echo Nawth Chucka in saying do her a favor and let her be.

She may or may not be lacking in judgment, but it seems you are not lacking in judgmental thinking. That is not necessarily an asset.

How old is she? If she’s in her early twenties, then she has the right to make a mistake (or two) in her choice of boyfriends and learn from that experience. Everybody who dates is eventually going to pick a loser at some point. If she’s learned from the experience, good for her and now it’s your choice to move past that or forever hold it against her.

If she hasn’t learned from that experience and seems likely to continue making poor choices in selecting boyfriends…then doesn’t that kind of say something about her wanting to date you? And not something good, by the way. :smiley: j/k!

My advice is free and worth every penny you pay for it, so here goes: slow things down and give it some time; get to know each other better (which it sounds like you’re already doing). I think the most telling fact is she’s on record as wanting commitment from a boyfriend. So, you’ll need to know if you yourself want to be in a LTR and if so, do you want to be in a LTR with this specific woman? This takes time to discover.

Best of luck & Regards,

Dude - she dated a mimbo. Have you never dated a girl that was a bit dim, but had a great rack and could suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

Seriously, she got some hot mimbo sex out of her system and now she’s ready to move on to a real relationship. No, you don’t have to be that relationship, but cutting her off because of one mimbo makes you seem like sort of a shallow git.

Thanks for the frank responses so far guys. Good points all around.

I know we all have our regrets. I think what’s most difficult for me is, in previous relationships, there was at least some degree of separation between the girl and her past BFs. In this instance, there is not.

And in the best case scenario: Me and said girl fall hopelessly in love with each other; we’re still going to be running into to Douchey McDouche from time to time as we share a certain subset of friends.

Anyway, I feel better now. I think I’ll give it a go after all.

But you also say she likes you, so you’ll have to draw your own conclusions about that that says about her judgment as well.

Patterns tend to repeat themselves so you may be on to something.

I’ve had a pretty bad past, but I’m way beyond it. But this is only because I tried and tried and tried. I don’t know anyone from my past that ever got beyond similar type things we went through together.

If someone does something, especially more than once or twice, it’s them and there is a reason for it.

I’m not saying a leopard can’t change it’s spots, but it’s hard to do. If this girl went out with a less than desirable man, there was a reason for it.

As for feeling guilty, get over it. If you don’t want to date her don’t, move on to the next person.

A lot of times people have superficial reasons and good reasons for not dating people and they come on boards like this and state them. Then everyone talks about it.

I recall on a different board about a black man saying he only is attracted to white women. You can image the feedback he got.

But if he’s only attracted well whatever the reason, he could try to go out with black women, but he wouldn’t be happy and surely the black women he dated to prove he wasn’t racist, wouldn’t be enjoying his company if he was just pretending, so in the end it just saves everyone a lot of time.

Well, I would agree that perhaps your intuition will prove to be correct, maybe this is an indicator that she’s not really the one for you.

Deciding before giving her a chance, is what’s wrong. Especially since this lapse in judgment, on her part, you say, won’t deter you from being her friend.

Or has BEEN the douche/asshole/crazy person in a relationship. I know I have.

And now she wants to date you. Hmm…

Lumbergh fucked her.

Hey, don’t feel bad, Seinfeld couldn’t get over the fact that his girlfriend went out with Newman before him. And that Newman dumped her.