You take a vow to never bring up the topic of the old BF. Do not fall into the self-deception of “I know this probably isn’t right, but I need to get this off my chest since I feel it’s gotten in between us.” Just STFU.
Evaluate the relationship, not her. Before you ever protest that she’s not treating you right, hold back a minute and check that you’ve been treating her right. Fix the relationship, not her. Fight for the relationship, not against each other.
But petty jealousies garbed as personality litmus tests are what people rely on instead, and they only fuck it up that way.
(I’d back up this post with the story of how I learned that the hard way. And maybe it would be the relationship equivalent of “Scared Straight,” where the convicted murderer yells at the shoplifter; but then maybe again, you’d say “wow, why should I listen to the advice from someone who did all that?”
Hey, it’s totally fair. While you’re not doing yourself any favors dwelling on a woman’s dating and sexual history, who a person decides to date is up for judgment, as much as their choice of friends.
That being said, people can be completely different with the person they’re dating than they are with platonic friends. And, as alice_in_wonderland mentioned, he may have just been a great lay.
Maybe she had a thing for douches. Maybe that why she likes you. Best to stay and work on your personality. So, women who like douches won’t be attracted to you.
Wait, it is because you don’t have a very high opinion of the guy, or because you actually know him that’s the problem? Because you keep mentioning having some degree of separation and the fact that you will be running in to him a lot. So is it the doucheyness, or the fact that her former sex partner ( I assume…maybe she was hesitant enough about him to delay that step) is going to always be around, and you don’t want to give him ammunition to rib you about her?
Why on Earth does Mr. Douche matter? Are you in competition with him? Are you worried he’s going to sidle up to you at a party and start making remarks about the woman in question and the state of her vagina? Does he ick you out so much you believe that anyone who’s had intercourse with him is forever stained?
I suggest you figure out the answers to these questions before you involve the young woman.
Can it be both? He’s not going to rib me. But I fear he will try to turn it into some sort of drama. Also, I just don’t want to look at the guy’s face should we work out.
You are absolutely right. Leave her alone. She deserves better. You sound incredibly young. I suggest you wait a few more years, and mature a little more, before you try to date a girl again.
Honestly, “Mr. Douche” doesn’t even sound that douchey from the descriptions given, just a bit stubborn and clueless. Nothing on the level of “Christ almighty, how could have possibly dated that guy? What a serious lapse of judgement… I’m sorry, I’m not sure I even want to be two degrees away from him!”
Ya’ Know. You couldn’t more off base. I don’t know if you’ve actually read this entire thread or if your just trying to vent. But I already said upthread that I was being stupid and give it a go anyway.
I agree that if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it.
But it does seem kind of weak. If he’s such a douche, why are you letting him get to you? Why are you letting someone you don’t respect dictate your life? If you were secure, you’d be able to write him off and enjoy your new girl. What does he have to do with you?
The “bad judgement” thing is a red herring. You know and I know she probably put up with it because the sex was great. A girl who enjoys sex is probably a good thing for most guys.
Yes, you can. ‘I can’t help it’ is a fantastic cop-out. You’re not an animal incapable of acting on anything besides base/brain stem instincts; presumably you’re an adult and mature adults cope, improve or change their situation until it’s a healthy one.
If you’re going to spend every date w/ this woman thinking of the potential behavior of someone who isn’t either of you, either change your social circle or don’t waste her time, especially if you’re too emotionally stunted to manage a feeling. This woman and her past beaux aren’t responsible for what goes on inside your head, Shakes, only you.
I’m not getting why some of you folks seem so intent on snarking me. I was using you as a sounding board. It took me all of 13 posts to see why what I was thinking was retarded. Then I did a 180 and said I’m going to give it a go anyway.
Is there something I’m still not getting?
Or is this just cynicism getting the better of us?
I’ve rejected plenty of otherwise cool guys based on their dating and sexual history and other things that don’t bother most people. I never regretted it. I love being single and my life plan never included marriage, so I saw no reason to work on lowering my standards. I ended up in a happy LTR anyway (with someone who is as ridiculously choosy about his relationships as I am).
I’m okay with being called ‘shallow’. I don’t think it’s unhealthy at all to rule out people as potential relationship material for reasons short of them being a terrible person. Dating very few people because I’m really picky seemed to do me good, as opposed to all my friends who have dated lots of people, many of them with terrible problems, and suffered for it.
To me, you sound reasonable, and there are billions of other women out there; why try to force your attraction to this one when you are having second thoughts?
Best to stay and work on your personality. So, women who like douches won’t be attracted to you.