When does hanging out with your ex girlfriend considered foul?

Even without the ex-gf, it sounds like he was treating you pretty badly. Watch out for that dismissive, belittling behavior in a boyfriend (or girlfriend, as appropriate)- it doesn’t get better and you can’t fix him.

By the way, he recommended that I post this here to prove his “western culture” stand point. I am proud to be from Asia. Now, clearly “western culture” isn’t that messed up.

I don’t think he’s necessarily cheating on you, or bound to cheat with this girl, but I agree with IvoryTowerDenizen that he’s just flat out disrespecting you. Just not acting cool.

I can see wanting to have coffee meet-ups with a woman that you are close to to kvetch about your current girlfriend, to get a woman’s perspective on some things. But exclusive dinners and an absolute rule that the three of you will never hang out? Puh-lease.

In Western culture, you don’t disrespect your girlfriend by excluding her. Tell your boyfriend, that he’s not being a man, especially in Western culture.

Is he expecting you to be all submissive and forgiving because you’re Asian? What an ass. He’s clearly disrespecting you. The fact that he would actually tell you he’d rather be with her than you should really be enough. I’m afraid if you stay in this relationship knowing all of this, you’re really going to have only yourself to blame when he inevitably leaves you for her or cheats on you with her the minute she gives him the green light (which he will.)

I think I have already exhausted myself in seeking for his consideration of my feelings. And it’s crystal clear that he is dismissing it.

I actually told him that since this is not making me happy and it just keeps me uncomfortable knowing it will happen again, then we should just break up. That way, we don’t have to put up with this shit all the time. And he said that we don’t have to. I am guessing that he only wants a safety net in me for some selfish reasons.

I don’t see how this is ok either. I think it’s disrespectful to ever “kvetch” about your GF (or wife, or boyfriend, or whatever) with someone of the opposite sex. If you respect the person you’re with, you’ll talk to them about your concerns like a grown-up.

I think you are 100% correct. It’s a sucky place to be. Fortunately you don’t need permission to break up with someone.

divisibleBYone, welcome to the SDMB. You will find that this is a great place to get advice from a wide range of perspectives. This is one of the very few times I have ever seen nearly 100% universal agreement on a subject on this board.

Drop the idiot quickly and let him crawl back to his ex, and be very wary when he comes crawling back to you and wants to take you to lunch without his current girlfriend knowing you.

Yes, this sounds bad, both with the seeing her so often and the trying to put the blame on you. Theres a good book with this and other relationship questions in it called Ask Barbara by a Barbara DeAngelis.
Keep your self esteem!

Thanks for the warm and arousing welcome. Life has a way of hitting me in the head to wake me up from this dilemma. All of your responses inspired me to be more confident in standing up for what I believe is right.

Good for you. Happily, if you believing breaking up is right, then you can. He might not like it, but that’s ok. This about what you need and feel, not him.

Can’t agree with you here. My best friend happens to be an ex-girl friend (we were friends before we got together and remained friends after we broke up) and we often talk about each others current relationships. Sometimes that includes kvetching as needed. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s a safe and productive way to blow off steam and get some perspective on the situation. Sometimes getting an opinion from the opposite gender is extremely helpful. Once that is done, you can then talk to your significant other about the concerns.

I am still actually open to sticking it out with him, asked him to be more understanding of my feelings because I am not used to this culture difference. But hell, there is no culture gap after all. This is the part of any relationship that just sucks so bad and crushes my heart. I don’t want to deprive him from seeing the people that he wants to see and I don’t think it’s right that either of us would be hurt in the process.

Just make sure you listen to your gut. People really don’t change all that much, in general. If he is consistently dismissing your feelings, then he probably will continue to do that.

Yes, some people change, especially if they are open to seeing what needs to be worked on. But you can’t go into a relationship based on changing some basic personality trait of that person. You have to be honest with yourself- if he never changes this particular trait is there enough to be happy about and can you live with it? Only you know the answer to that.

There’s a saying in western culture: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

If you’re bound and determined to stay with this guy for whatever reason, so be it, I guess.

You seem like a nice person. So even though I stand by my original advice of “run away,” I can understand your unwillingness to hurt your boyfriend.

But try to see it this way: You are not “depriving him from seeing the people that he wants to see.” He is cutting you off from a part of his life.

Next time he tells you he plans to have lunch with his ex, you can say, “Sounds great! Let’s all go to the Cheesecake Factory!” If he still insists you’re not invited, then he’s the one doing the depriving, not you. It’s flat-out wrong, and I hope you realize that.

I don’t think that practice will bode well for the longevity of either of your relationsips (I notice that you used the plural there). But more power to you both.

Also, the ex-gf that’s also “Best Friend” has warning signs all over it. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who considers them “Second Best.” Something tells me you’d have a whole lot less kvetching to do if you quit referring to an ex as your best friend.