Hi there, divisibleBYone, and be welcome here. (I love your username!) I’ve shared this advice here before, and in fact, I think I got it on these boards: someone who cares about you, will care about the effect their actions have on you.
Yes, people (in Western culture, I suppose) are “allowed” to be on friendly terms with their exes, and “allowed” to have friends of the opposite sex. But, if you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone, you’re each other’s top priority (or should be) and that’s not what it sounds like here at all. He’s using cultural differences as a smokescreen to try to hide what an asshole he’s being.
Also, you seem unwilling to hurt your boyfriend’s feelings, but from your description, he is quite willing to hurt yours. Hold out for someone who treats you with respect, or expect more of the same shit from this person - the choice is yours.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing to be friends with an ex and see them occasionally in social situations. I’m friends with a couple of my exes and there’s nothing between us if we catch up in person or by phone. Just friends talking.
I do think his unwillingness to allow you to be part of it isn’t good. Then again, I also think being with him 24/7 like you are isn’t good either but you’re not asking about that.
Keep in mind that he might be blaming this stuff on her (the reason you can’t go to lunch with them) when it is really him who might not want you there. Either way, I think it’s wrong for him to be so defensive and closed-minded about it as he is.
You don’t need the grief. Dump his sorry ass and tell him exactly why. It wouldn’t surprise me if the ex lost interest in him the minute you were out of the picture.
And you’d be completely wrong. It’s been 7 years since we’ve been together. She’s now in a long term committed relationship, and I’ve been happy in my relationships as well. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you give up having a best friend. This may not work for everyone but it works just fine for many people I know. I think people worry about stuff like this way too much; it’s never been a problem for any of my girlfriends or her boyfriends once everyone gets to know one another. It’s obvious that we’re platonic friends.
It *is *a good one, isn’t it? I can’t claim it as mine - some other Dopers have posted it before in various relationship threads.
While it’s certainly OK to have friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship, it’s most definitely not OK to exclude your SO (significant other) from those friendships. That’s seriously bad news, IMO.
Welcome to the Straight Dope, divisibleBYone! I like your username, too.
Just to try an clear up this “culture difference”: Relationships between young people in America (which is the only “Western” culture I know well enough to speak about) can be pretty different from one another, and that’s generally okay. Some people don’t like their partners speaking to exes at all, some are okay with it as long as they’re included, and some don’t mind their partner having close relationships (even so far as sexual ones) with someone else without them. Those are all, broadly speaking, okay…as long as everyone agrees to it. If everyone (you, him, her) isn’t okay with it, then it’s wrong wrong wrong, even in our relatively flexible and permissive culture. If someone isn’t okay with it, than it shouldn’t happen, and for him to dismiss your feelings and do it anyway isn’t okay in our culture anymore than it is in the culture you grew up in.
Like lots of us have mentioned, it’s not him having a social life and fraternizing with old friends that’s the problem in your situation. The problem is the secretive way he’s doing it and the manipulative way he’s trying to tell you you’re at fault with no care or compassion about your feelings.
From everything you’ve so far shared about this guy, he does not love you. Someone who loves another person does not do the things this asshole is doing to you. “Sticking it out with him” is a path to your own heartbreak, one that will be more drawn out than the one you’re feeling now.
Or to put it another way: Why stay with this emotionally abusive jerk when there are great, caring wonderful men out there who deserve a shot at a girl like you?
Agreed. Probably fucking her, chances of at least planning to near 100%.
Presumably, all the info about what the ex supposedly says is coming from him, so who knows what she actually thinks or whether she’s even aware they’re together. He could be playing the ex as well.
The problem isn’t necessarily that he’s hanging out with her, but that he’s excluding you. My girlfriend’s ONLY two friends are her two exes (shy and all that), but she doesn’t see them too much. In fact, one of them pretty much has to wrestle her to see her in person for 5 minutes (though they talk online a lot), though I wouldn’t really have an issue hanging out with him, he’s pretty cool. Her first boyfriend was my friend too before I started going out with her, so all three of us hang out at least once whenever she comes down. It’s not like “break up -> cut off ex” so much as the fact that he’s not letting you in on it that’s bad. Now, him being alone with her isn’t bad either, technically, but that’s also only if you’re okay with it/don’t want to hang out with her.
When I first started dating my last girlfriend, who is now my wife, I was still friends with my ex. What made it awkward was that the previous relationship was based largely on sex as there was a significant age difference between us (I was 23 at the time and she was 38). Yes, it was a MILF thing. That said, the reason we broke up was simply because she had kids and wanted to be married and she knew I had no interest in that at the time.
My girlfriend/wife was totally aware of this and had no problem with me seeing her. In fact, the ex even came to our wedding. That said, I always made it 100% clear to my wife that it was a ‘just friends’ thing, and that my wife was the one I loved. I only ever saw the ex in public places for lunch and encouraged her to bring her kids so there would be no awkwardness, and I always invited my wife to come along, though she never did. I also told my wife if she raised even the slightest worry about the ex that I would stop seeing her entirely. As it turned out, the ex met a nice guy closer to her age that had kids of his own and we drifted apart a year later. I haven’t seen her since.
While I can’t tell you to dump the guy, and I am certainly not familiar with Asian cultures, I would say that your story as stated raises many red flags. You make it sound like he is dating you as a consolation prize until the other girl is ready to have a relationship with him. True, things could change, but it sounds like things are only going to get worse rather than better.
If things are as described, get out now. Put very plainly, he is not your boyfriend. He’s a guy waiting to be someone else’s boyfriend, and killing time with you. He’s happy to let you be his girlfriend, but that’s not the same thing as being your boyfriend.
Agree with this. Hell, be best friends with your ex! But if he doesn’t see why this would be a problem, and spends his time belittling the OP instead of reassuring her (including having her meet his ex – they don’t have to be besties, just get together once so there’s an understanding who’s the current girlfriend and who’s the ex), he’s an ass. What everyone else said.
Oh, I do so very much hope that divisibleBYone will give us all the satisfaction of coming back and telling us she dumped his sorry ass.
Sweetie, you’re new here and I don’t know if you did much lurking before signing on, so it’s possible that you’re missing the significance that every single doper who chimed in was in agreement with everyone else. We don’t get that kind of response around here much.
Any time you need any more help with “western culture,” just let us know. Especially if you continue dating this guy (which I also agree you shouldn’t do).
My eyes are swollen up from crying too much last night. And I would like to thank every single doper for talking more sense into my being. He actually said a a lot more cruel and harsh words to me, I guess I was just tolerating him too much.
