She’s a perfectly nice girl whom I have dated for around two months and hasn’t done anything worthy of opprobrium. On paper I’ve many reasons to continue to want to date her, but she’s just lacking je ne sais quoi (maybe it’s sarcasm that she’s lacking?). Please provide basic suggestions and direction for how to go about doing this in the most dignified and least painful manner for both of us. Also, I want to ensure that I don’t equivocate when I do this simply because I can’t provide an explicit rationale.
Is there any other information I need to share specific to the situation for you to provide meaningful advice?
It’s a bitch (not her), ain’t it? You kinda just have to suck it up and say something like “I’m sorry, but something with us just isn’t clicking for me. I apologize if this comes out of the blue, but I’ve realized that it’s not working out.” You should probably preface it with a “we need to talk.”
Like you said, don’t equivocate. All this is of course easier said than done, but life’s too short, y’know? I’m actually working up the courage to do this myself to someone I think is cool but don’t want to hook up with any more. The person might dislike you or disappear from your life, but it’s the risk you have to take. Sigh…
Susie, I’ve been feeling like something’s lacking here that makes this relationship not the right fit for me, and it’s best for me if we end it now.
Then maybe she asks if she did something wrong, or what happened, or whatever, and you say it’s nothing like that, she’s a perfectly nice girl whom you have dated for around two months and hasn’t done anything worthy of opprobrium. You just feel like it’s not right for you. And you stick to your guns, and that’s that.
It’s really very simple when somebody else has to do it.
Oh, and if you change your mind about the dignified part, I’m right outside Philly and don’t have very much class.
One way of putting it that worked reasonably well for me in the past in an analogous situation was along the lines of “you’re a really nice person, and oyu deserve to be with someone who is as into you as you are into her” (substitute pronouns as appropriate).
It was absolutely true - super-nice guy, was super-sweet to me, but we were just not a good fit on numerous levels. Breaking up with him felt an awful lot like kicking a puppy, but you’re not doing anyone any favors to continue a relationship that you already know isn’t going anywhere.
Would you accept $100 to don a stained Miller High Life t-shirt and cut-off shorts to deliver a singing telegram?
On the practical side, when should I deliver this? I think it warrants a delivery in person, but should I just make a regular date with her and pop it on her then? If so, when during th date should I say something? Obviously, I think it’s advisable to avoid doing so in public because I don’t fear for my safety. At what point should I deliver the, “we need to talk line,” immediately preceding when I break up with her? To put it out there before then needs needlessly anxiety inducing.
Oh yes. Please do it in person. Unless you want to go “Wow he really is a jerk I’m glad to be rid of him” route. I got a Dear John e-mail once out of the blue and, though it some what helped with the healing process, it was also pretty hurtful short term.
I say you should let her know you need to talk prior to meeting up with her. Ask if you can come over at x o’clock. She will have an idea that something’s up, and will be more mentally prepared. Just don’t make her wait too long after you say “we need to talk”, because the waiting drives ya crazy, you know?
And, not to pressure you or anything, but do it soon. Like, this week. Otherwise Christmas will creep up on you and you won’t want to be the jerk who broke up with her right before Christmas, so you’ll keep quiet, but then there’s New Year’s, and there’s this party she’s really looking forward to and you can’t make her dateless for that, and then suddenly you’ll look around and it’s June and she’s making wedding noises and you realize, this is gonna be a big dramafest now! :eek:
Yeah. Been there. Done that. Have a t-shirt collection. :smack:
Preface with “we need to talk” but with a short window before actually dropping the axe. I’d say 2 hours, max.
Short and sweet, and don’t sit through a meal talking knowing that you are going to break up with her when the check comes. I’d do it by Friday. In fact, that is your goal: to be out of this relationship by the weekend.
My current SO originally dumped me on the phone after about 4 months. Quite honestly I think it was easier for both of us. No anticipation-‘we have to talk’ is the kiss of death and most people know it. I was a little bemused at the time but both of us hate conflict. And it made for a great story!
(For the record, he decided it was a huge mistake to dump me and we’ve been gloriously happy in the 2 years since then.)
Going through something similar not too long ago, I’ll tell you what I did. After a few weeks of this girl being absolutely infatuated with me and becoming a borderline stage-5 clinger, I told her that, while we had fun, our lives were moving in separate directions, and it would be best to end things now before someone gets hurt. Mention that she is a great person, crack a small joke about a comedic moment that you shared, and as soon as she cracks a smile, touch her face and tell her that you’re glad she understands. Then get the fuck out of there.
This this and this. Don’t let her stew for a week. Don’t do it at the end of a great date at her favorite restaurant. If you’ve really been unhappy or bored, maybe (hopefully) she’s sensed something. Two months isn’t an awful lot of time, though, and it’s a nice window to see whether a fling has potential, so it shouldn’t be too painful.