Wow, I’m in a real interesting situation. I’ve finally relaxed enough to have girls take notice and like me, and this summer I met a wonderful great girl. We are infatuated with each other. of course there is only one problem…she has a boyfriend right now.
Of course there has to be a catch right?
Now we’ve made out, and talked alot. She’s very aware of the situation and she doesn’t like it anymore than I do. From what I gather she really wants to dump her current boyfriend as she hasn’t really liked him for a long while. They have been together for five years. They are not common law. Whats making things really hard too is that we live in two different citys (not far) but her current problem is that she is financially dependent on her current relationship. I have indicated to her that without knowing her better I can’t financially help her, even though we are an AMAZING match. I have a good sense of people and I really don’t think she is trying to manipulate me. She acknowledges that I am in a bad spot and she also is unsure of whether or not to keep going.
So now the question is what do I do? I’m going to see her a few more times so we can feel out if this thing can work. But she is in such a trap financially. I know relationships will always have wrinkles. Any advice for me? I can’t stop thinking about her.
I guess I am usually mature to the extent that I don’t give things a chance, this time I want to give it a chance.
If she really wanted to be with you, she’d dump the other dude and find some way to make the money stuff work. What she is telling you is that her money issues are more important than you are. This is unlikely to change at any point in the future.
I’m sorry, but from everything you say you are thinking with your groin, not your brain.
Consider this girl’s behaviour.
She’s in a relationship, but is making out with you.
She’s told you she needs money. You’ve told her in reply you haven’t got much money. She then says she’s not sure if she wants to be with you.
What do you think would happen if you did have money?
How can you be sure she isn’t trying to manipulate you when you don’t have a lot of relationship experience?
You sound old enough to date women, not girls. And she has already done 2 things to demonstrate she’s not grown up - failed to support herself financially and gotten involved with you before breaking up with her boyfriend. I’m glad things are looking up for you, but hold out for an adult - chronological age notwithstanding.
Oh dear. She says YOU are in a bad spot? Yes, but she’s in a worse one! With the other guy five years, financially dependent on him, living in another city - sorry, I can’t see it ending well. It’s up to her to break off her old relationship and become financially independent before embarking on any new relationship, it’s not fair to you.
A “wrinkle” in a relationship is he leaves the cap off the toothpaste and it drives her crazy; what you have here is a big, massive, red-flagged ALERT! ALERT! in your relationship. This girl, for all her good qualities, is cheating on the guy who is supporting her, and is being supported by the guy she’s cheating on instead of supporting herself. Honestly, you can do better than this.
What you need to do, and you need to do it right away, is tell her that you can’t see her until she ends her current relationship. Her response to this will tell you all you need to know about her and your future with her.
Why? Like others have mentioned, good people don’t use other people for their own financial reward. She’s a leech and not even a loyal one.
Oh I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “But what we have is special and that’s why she’s cheating on him with me!” Eh, I doubt it. And even if you’re right, what are you winning? You’re getting a girl who thinks so little of people that she’ll stay with them just to take what she can from them. Gosh, what a prize!
Ditto everything the above just said.
1.) The girl comes off terribly for cheating on her current boyfriend. This should make you seriously concerned that you’ll be treated the same way.
2.) So long as she’s with the other guy, you can’t develop a real relationship.
3.) So long as she’s all the way over there, you can’t develop a real relationship.
If you decide you don’t have moral issues about her cheating on her current, then by all means do your business for awhile, but:
1.) Don’t give her any money for any reason.
2.) Don’t let her move in with you.
3.) Don’t get your hopes up until she’s ditched her current and is on her own.
A very good friend was head-over-heels for a girl who was dating and ‘being kept’ (with all that it implies) by another guy. A guy who happened to also her boss.
My friend was a great person; he had the stereotypical wash-board abs, had a face like a jack in a deck of playing cards and was MVP on our league softball team for 4 straight years. Girls hit on him in the corner bar after games. Some of the girls admitted to me they thought he was ‘a hottie’, but he was stuck on this one ‘kept’ princess.
Five years pass, and its the same drama re-run he’s whining to me about week after week: he loves only her, the sex is box-spring shattering, but the other guy can fly her off to the Caribbean 4 times a year, keep her in a Lexus, pay her rent in a luxury apartment, and is her boss. Week after week I tell him to stop wasting his time on her, to cut-bait & move on. That if she loved him, she’d leave her sugar-daddy for him and make it work. He didn’t listen.
In year six, she married Daddy Whorebucks. My friend didn’t/wouldn’t/couldn’t go to the wedding. But he did quit his job a few months later and move to the opposite coast.
I miss my friend. I just hope he found a better class of girl out there somewhere.
I think you should totally go for it. She sounds like a wonderful person and I’m sure that the two of you will have a beautiful life together. The best thing to do right now is quit your job and move to that other city. Like you say, it’s not that far away so you should be able to move with U-Haul for $200 or so.* Once you’re relocated she can dump her loser boyfriend and life will be sweetness and light between you two.
As for a new job, you hear every say on the news that the economy is doing terribly and pretty much every industry is shedding jobs. I say, look on the bright side. Now all those industries have vacant positions, just waiting for you to fill them.** I’m sure you’ll find a new job in nearby town, lickety split.
Speaking of lickety split, I should warn you that once you become the actual-boyfriend instead of the other-man-boyfriend things are going to cool off in the sack. You won’t be forbidden fruit any longer. You’ll be regular old fruit. But regular fruit is still sweet, just as long as you go in with your eyes open.
I can’t think of a single reason you shouldn’t run off with broke, cheating sponge*** girl. If you try hard enough, either will you.
Buy your boxes at Home Depot, they’re way cheaper there!
** Makes sense, they just fired a bunch of people, right?
*** 91% effective with optimal use!
I’m just wondering what kind of advice the OP thought he would get here.
In my long and checkered romantic career, I have fallen for a) a married man, b) a gay man, c) a drug addict, and d) a gay drug addict. All four of these relationships were painful and of course doomed. Doesn’t mean I don’t think of them in a bittersweet fond way, but really - when something is not going to work out, ‘giving it a chance’ is a waste of time.
She says you’re the one in a bad spot? Just what planet is she living on?
She’s the one who is living with someone and being effectively kept by them, then cheating on them with you (someone at a conveniently safe distance that she has a reasonable chance of not getting caught). Say she dumps the current guy and you pair get together? How long before she does exactly the same thing, except this time you’re the guy keeping her?
I’m sorry, but this realationship looks pretty doomed to me. You need to run away before it’s too late and you do something monumentally stupid.
I recently got rid of a girl from my life for similar reasons. I gave her a “choose him or me” ultimatum; she chose his loser ass and I ended up glad, because the worst outcome would have been had she chosen me and then had me wondering who else she’d be fooling around with if it wasn’t me…
I have subsequently started things with another girl who did dump the other dude for me. There’s no comparison between the two.