Speaking as a single male who’s looking, I don’t give situations like these full credit. I mean, if I meet a single woman and she seems interested, and that’s a full feather in my cap, then this is half a feather. It could be that given her current dissatisfaction you look pretty good…you’re polite, nice, intelligent, and/or other things she isn’t getting from her current relationship. It could be that is all…or it could be that there is more to it and her involvement with someone else has no bearing on how attracted she is to you.
You hit on the magic word: infatuation. Such is the stage everyone goes through when a relationship is forming. Sometimes it burns off and you can’t figure WTF you saw in this person. Sometimes it burns off but there’s more there worth exploring.
I’m going to nitpick here. I’ll agree with other dopers that this isn’t a smart bet. However, though it’s rare, I suspect people do manage to make it work. Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn come to mind. For you to pursue may be like betting the rent money on a roulette wheel. You might win and look really smart to the rest of us. But you better be ready to lose.
A friend of mine, who is a businessman, had an unhappily married woman coming on to him. He was prepared to go for it. His attitude was that it’s like a hostile takeover or something. If the SO treated her right, he reasoned, she wouldn’t be susceptible to the charms of other men.
I wonder what other dopers would do if they decided to go for it. There are lots of posters who enjoy debating the hypothetical.
Here’s my “real relationship advice.” Find a real relationship. Do you really want to be the one she cheats on next? And no, don’t “bone” her, as other posters have so charmingly put it. You’ve already gone far enough with this girl as it is, and having sex with her is probably only going to make you more infatuated, unless she’s really bad in bed.
Three months ago, I had a live-in, long-term boyfriend, though our relationship was strained by my long work hours and his general do-nothingness. A co-worker and I started hitting it off, and before I knew it, we were sending steamy emails and wishing things were different in our lives so that we might indulge in this thing we’d started. I too told him that our chemistry was putting him in a bad spot, and if he wanted to stop, we could, and I’d completely understand.
Today, I no longer have the boyfriend-- I broke up with him and he moved back home. Co-worker and I are casually dating now. We’re pretty happy with the way things turned out.
There are two key differences between us and you and your girl. One, I was not financially dependent on my ex. Quite the opposite, actually; he was dependent on me in myriad ways, including financially. Two, I took action and changed my situation.
Your girl may be in her current bind due to circumstances beyond her control. I can see how someone might be broke and financially dependent on an SO they feel nothing for. But her unwillingness to change things-- to work for financial independence, to leave a partner she’s not happy with-- does not bode well at all for you.
I wonder about this. The economy being what it is, it could be that she was a bigshot at a company, living with a guy, and then lost her job and her 401K etc. At the time that relationship was okay but has since deteriorated and there just isn’t anything out there right now for someone of her qualifications.
Or it could be that she’s allergic to work.
A woman I know told me she had held onto a bad relationship because she had put her husband through school and by God he was going to do the same for her, as promised.
I read something on the cubicle wall of a civil servant today that made me think of this thread: “don’t make someone your priority so they can make you an option.”
My oldest child is the result of a condom malfunction (and not an obvious one, either; we had no idea until I saw the pink line on the stick a couple of weeks later).
I’d think a former bigshot with a 401k would not enjoy being financially dependent on a boyfriend she didn’t love anymore. Someone who had achieved a lot and once had a good, happy life would probably not be content to be in her current situation for long, and would take whatever job she could to get out of it.
IIRC, the OP is in is early 20s and isn’t at the 401k-stage in his career. Unless he’s dating someone much older, I assume the girl in question is as well.
We don’t have anything to go on except the OP. I see a lot of posts implying that she’s a freeloader etc. but for all I know, she spent everything on her mother’s life-saving surgery and then lost her job, you know? The job market’s pretty bad in some areas, so what she’s willing to do for work and what’s available may be at odds. Also I don’t know anything about the OP’s age or any of that.
Some posters seem to think the SO is Mr. Gotrocks and she’s living high. Maybe…maybe not. In any case we won’t know until/unless the OP rejoins the conversation.
If she fucked around WITH you, she’ll fuck around ON you.
There are chicks
-in your town
-who are single
-who are good in bed
-who will like you
-who will prioritize you properly
This is not a “pick from” list, this is a list of requirements.
Go back and look at threads started by me.
You DON’T want to be me. And you have the potential to end up worse than me.
Seriously, dude. Life’s too short to stick your dick in the crazy.
What is it you have in common? You are both money-grubbing golddigging whores? Are you sure “financially dependent on her boyfriend” isn’t code for “he’s her pimp”? And how can you say you “have a good sense of people” when you are only now “relaxed enough to have girls take notice and like you”.
You don’t think she is manipulating you but you whether you know it or not, you are in a position to be easily manipulated. It sounds like you are a bit inexperienced with women. So for you it’s kind of a big deal that this one likes you. It’s only “amazing” because it’s new and unexpected.
Best case scenario she breaks up with her boyfriend and starts gloming off you.
Actually he sounds like the typical “businessman” jackass who is full of himself and probably just doesn’t care if it “works out” with this woman as long as he bangs her.
Complete hijack, but it is never too early to start putting money into your 401k.
Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of phenylethylamine.
Do not make life-changing decisions while under the influence of phenylethylamine.
Do not trust your ability to size people up while under the influence of phenylethylamine.
Warning: Phenylethylamine may cause sweaty palms, heart palpitations, and excessive phone calls.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Phenylethylamine.
Can’t disagree with anything the above posters have said, but there’s no reason why you can’t keep HER on the string and use HER till something better comes along for you.
Yeah it’s not nice, but as long as you don’t have any money she can get at anyway, what are you out?
You can’t stop thinking about her. That is leaving you no room to find someone who is:
Available. She isn’t. She has a live in significant other. This table is currently booked. No room at the inn.
Self-sufficient. She isn’t.
In the future, there are minimum standards that pretty much everyone should meet before you date them. List yours - they will vary from mine. But two of mine are available and self-sufficient. (monogamous - since I don’t do poly, non-smoker, no current addictions, not a religious zealot in any sense rounds out my own minimum standards.)
Not everyone has the same standards. It could be that you are comfortable with a poly relationship - cause that’s what you’ve got. It could be that you are comfortable supporting your significant other - plenty of people do. But if there was some wonderful girl out there without a boyfriend and capable of paying her own rent - you don’t have emotional room for her right now. And she’d be - in my opinion - a trade up.