OK, here’s the background info. I am currently enrolled in college and live in a coed dorm. Since then something of a mutual attraction has come about with a floormate. But the problem is/was she was involved a very co-dependent, long distance relationship with someone from her hometown.
But one night she got really drunk and was aggressive with her affections towards me, but being slightly more sober than she was, and knowing that she was in a relationship I avoided letting things get too far. Also, we both knew that her SO of the time was visiting the next day. And so he did, and she told him that she may have feelings for someone else (me), but is willing to work things out with him. So he flipped out and broke up with her. But they both knew in it wasn’t genuine. He just wanted to see her beg and squirm for forgiveness, and she did for a while. This became very apparent the next weekend when she visited him in order to resolve things because he was being a little bitch on the phone, hanging up on her and whatnot. Then he has the nerve to ask to fool around after breaking up with her and then emotionally torturing her. But she complied, willing to do anything to get him back. But of course, they didn’t get back together.
So with some counselling and urging from myself and some of her friends, she told him she wasn’t going to squirm for him anymore, and it’d be best if they seperated for a while and saw other people or something along that line. He agreed, but later decided he didn’t understand the situation and went back to being a self-centered little child, upsetting her.
Needless to say, i want to have some sort of relationship with this girl, but it’s ridiculously frustrating because she’s broken up with him but still has this tremendous dependency on him, along with a great amount of inertia from a long relationship which she thinks is ‘true love’ or something of that sort. She realizes that she has to get over him because that sort of depedency is unhealthy, but refuses to fully let go. But she also says she has feelings for me, but because of the everpresent feelings for her ex, is not comfortable being close to me.
So I’m in this sort of emotional limbo, and I don’t know if I should throw in the towel and just move on or if I want to wait for her to get over him. But by giving up, I would probably hurt her even more, which I don’t want to do, or be able to have a relationship with her. But if I wait, I have to bare through being unsure of what she wants and having to know that her ex is everpresent in her thoughts, which makes me very jealous.
So I have no clue what I’m supposed to do. Am I supposed to wait and suffer through all this, or throw in the towel which would probably destroy any possibility of having sort of relationship with her. Someone please give some sort sort of advice.
I’m apologize for the long-winded, rambling nature of my post.
You have two choices with this girl and both end with you not getting her.
Tell her to establish clear boundaries with her ex or you won’t have any sort of relationship between the two of you. This will result in a short relationship with her that will eventually end but you might have some fun in the meantime. Just dont’ let yourself be fooled into thinking it will last.
Get your ass out of this situation ASAP so you don’t get your heart broken.
It’s up to you which you pick just don’t forget this won’t work out in the end. Trust me on this I’ve been in similar situations a million times. You’re going to be the rebound boyfriend at best (or worst if you let yourself think you’ll be more then that and get your heartbroken)
She was interested in me before the breakup. Actually, I was a huge part of the breakup. Though I enjoyed your wonderfully bleak interpretation I’m not sure I can accept that I am the ‘rebound guy’.
Heh I’m willing to bet you’re a ‘nice guy’ aren’t you? I’m one of that cursed breed as well. I’ve been in that situation several times the biggest one a girl left her husband for me. Typically they are tired of being treated like crap and go for the nearest nice guy they can find. You repair their fragile ego then they break it off b/c they “love you but they aren’t in ‘love’ with you.” And then go out with a guy just like their Ex. It’s no biggie as long as you know the rules going in beforehand and prepare.
But it sounds like you’ve made up your mind. Good luck.
[quote=non-native]
And thanks for jumping to conclusions after halfway reading my post.
[quote]
No thank you for assuming I didn’t read all your post. Which I did. You may be all pissy b/c you’re in a bad spot but don’t blame it on people that are trying to be honest.
I read through your entire post (twice) and Darkhold answers the questions in your last sentence the same way I would have. Just because you were involved before the point of breakup doesn’t mean you’re not involved in a “rebound” relationship.
From your description it seems that you were in line to be the backup if things didn’t work with her ex and you would also be there to help her break up with him because you would be biased because of your own relationship with this woman.
emphasis mine
I know its difficult to accept going into a relationship that it won’t last but if you know this going and you can at least be prepared and realistic. Of course having this viewpoint is only going to decrease the chance it will last because you won’t be fully committed.
My solution: If you are looking for a serious relationship look elsewhere because this isn’t a good start to something long term, I’ve been wrong before and might be here though. If you are not after something serious then take care of yourself and this woman because it might be a rough ride. Not a very good solution, I know
I see on preview that Darkhold has defended his reading of your post and interpretation.
I apologize. It seemed like you were jumping to conclusions. It still does actually, but you didn’t halfway read my post.
So you’re interpretation is that she is an emotional-abuse junky, and I just happened to be some random nice guy that happened to be around? But is that really the only possibility? If that is the case, would me being a petty asshole help? I’m still not sure I can accept your view.
Never be an asshole. There’s no excuse for it. I’m saying protect your heart (and cover that area between your legs) or you’re going to get hurt. Emotional abuse junkie? well let’s look at your first post.
she initiated romance with you the night before he showed up? Shows she’s either desperate for an excuse to get out of this relationship or likes chaos BIG Strike props to you for not just screwing her though
she participates in stupid relationship games even if she doesn’t start them. Minor strike
can you say doormat that can’t say NO to this guy? HUGE BLARING STRIKE girls that can’t say no to their ex’s are TROUBLE
she only broke up with him after other people told her too? Big strike. Separated and not broken up? Can’t let go. Another strike. She still lets him into her life so he can upset her? Strike 1,000
should I even bother to comment on this?
So to sum this up she knows she’s being unhealthy but continues the pattern? Even though she’s ‘separated’ she can’t bring herself to be comfortable with you? Doesn’t this strike you as ODD at all? Especially after she tried to initiate romance with you the night before he came by? Does ANY of this sound stable and healthy to you?
grin and I’ll remember in the future to quote your post inch by inch so you don’t think I’m dismissing you. Trust me I read every post I reply to in it’s fullest.
Thanks for the feedback. I’m trying to digest all this.
What I was hoping for was that she will eventually (or quickly, actually) get over him. Which I suppose won’t happen. But since I’m a pushover myself, I thought we could be doormats together. Apparently not?
So you’re saying she will never get over him, and even if she does, she’s a nutcase and a relationship with her cannot end well under most circumstances. Right?
First off forget quickly. Not going to happen. If you pressure her to move on quickly (or she pretends to for you) she’ll just surpress it and it will come out later anyway. Probably about three months into her relationship with you.
You seem very serious about this girl but from the info you posted it doesn’t seem like she has it together. This was probably her first serious relationship right? Those are always a minefield to begin with. Your absolute best shot is to put the whole thing on hold for 6 months. Let her break up with him move on and establish boundries between her and him. Do not date her during this time. And I mean hard core not date. None of that dropping by to give emotional support and spend the whole night talking about how great you two would be together.
Then after six months take a serious hard look at her. Ask yourself if you were only attracted to her b/c of the desire to help and support her during this time or that you are guinuely attracted to her as a person (yeah I know you think you are right now. It’s hard sometimes to separate desire to help and be a friend to a nice girl and to realize that maybe she’s someone that is constantly needing help b/c she constantly gets herself in bad situations) If you still like her ask her out. Who knows maybe you’ll buck a trend and it will work out?
BTW two people can’t be doormats in a relationship. If you or her are professional doormats you will only be happy in relationship where someone is stepping on you. So yes if doormat describes you or her (and neither of you are jerks) then the relationship won’t work.
I wouldn’t quite call her a nutcase…quite. I’m just hoping she’s young and that was her first major relationship so she’s having trouble letting go. As for it ending badly? I’d give it about 85% chance that this isn’t going to work no matter what you do. Not trying to be bleak just trying to reinforce the notion that you need to go into this with eyes WIDE open.
I ask merely for the satisfaction of collecting empirical data: Is this gal by any chance really, really hot?
Just curious. Because it’s certainly not as though I have ever personally had trouble letting go of an unstable, unhealthy fixation on a woman solely on the grounds of the woman being really, really hot. Nope, not me. No, sir.
non-native, I just wanted to point out that you really should listen to what Darkhold is saying here. It sounds like you aren’t really willing to listen to him, because he isn’t saying what you want to hear. He’s been there and he’s trying to help.
I really think it’s amazing that someone who doesn’t know you personally and shouldn’t give a flying rat’s ass about you would sit down and spend the time trying to help you. Think about all the time Darkhold has spent trying to show you the errors in your way of thinking in relationships. He’s been there before, obviously, and is trying to impart some of his wisdom to you.
You really should listen!
Also, I don’t like hearing that you think you are a doormat. Please don’t use the excuse that you are a doormat to justify your longing for a relationship with this girl. If you are a nice guy, please remain a nice guy, just get a prosthetic spine.
One more thing – if this girl wasn’t pretty, would you be willing to be a doormat and sop up all her flightiness? She doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally ready to be in a relationship, hon. Go out with her at your peril.
I’m glad to know that everyone simply has assumed the worst. I’d think everyone should be happy to hear that i’ve irreversibly screwed things up with her last night, so I think my problem has been solved for me. Thanks for the advice. I think i’ll go fail the two of exams i have for today and then punch myself in the nutsack until I lose the ability to have children.
Hey jackelope, if there’s a seat open at your table, I’ll join you. I’ve been spending the last few days letting go of just that sort of fixation.
non-native, the lady is a doormat. Your time and interest are better spent somewhere else. Since you’re in a coed dorm, there ought to be plenty of other “somewhere else” in the building. Good luck.
You don’t want to hear what people are saying to you. Ignore us then. If your schooling is suffering, please feel free to assume that we’re all unfeeling stupid jerks and disregard all of our well-meant advice.
I hope you do awesome on your finals, and I hope you find another gorgeous girl who has her head on straight.
[prof. hat on] Oh so your the one who skipped my class both day last week??? Better get your ass to todays class because I’m not letting late people in [prof. Hat off]
Seriously, I see this year after year with at least a half dozen of my students. Mostly freshman. Those who come a long distance to attend school here invariably leave a 'first love high school romance" behind. In actuality you would be the rebound guy… You do know that right? Your emotions aren’t that clouded are they? But I’ll say this. You are in college, you are a big boy, and you will have fun…All is not lost. Cheer up and GO TO CLASS!!!
Wow you still don’t get it. I was trying to make you protect yourself not ruin your budding romance. To avoid just this kind of pain. Take a lesson from this don’t trust your heart to unstable people in unstable situations.
And let me guess how ‘you’ ruined things. You said or did something relatively minor. She blew up. In shock you asked what the heck was going on. She got even more upset. You still baffled apologized just to get thrown out of the room (probalby took 2 hours to have the whole fight she was probably crying at the end) you slink away. You thought about calling her to try to apologize again. (if you did she hung up on you or told you that she never wants to hear from you again) You sat down and thought about your behavior. You started beating yourself over being such an asshole to her. Esp in her ‘situation’. Am I close at all? If this sounds like what happened think about all the second chances she gave her Ex and about how she treated you. Is this fair? You probably made every attempt to treat her as best you could where he made every attempt to treat her like crap yet she BEGS him to return and treats you like shit instead of giving you the benifit of the doubt.
'Course I could be totally off. If it won’t upset you even more please share what you did to ‘irreversibly screwed things up’. In my opinion any girl that will toss you to the curb after you invested a ton of time in energy to help her out with your first mistake (barring cheating on her or doing something equally horrible) doesn’t deserve the time of day.
I apologize if I seem unappreciative of well-intended advice. I have no trouble understanding the points made. But I refuse to believe that she would simply toy with my head in order to make herself feel better. Maybe that’s the way it turned out, but if it was within her control, I doubt she would do it. Or maybe I’m completely blinded by emotions. Either way, it’s done and over with. I probably didn’t “ruin everything”. She has already forgiven me and I didn’t beg (i never beg. Under any circumstances). But that doesn’t matter now. I’m going to accept your advice and not enter a relationship. I know it’s for the best. I just had to lash out a bit, which I apologize for.
Thanks again for the advice. I would have had less trouble accepting it if wasn’t so preachy and condescending in nature. Maybe my situation was very typical or common, but no one likes to hear “I told you so,” especially when things haven’t ended. But now you’ll have to excuse me, I have a lot of nut-punching to get to.
[prof. Hat off]