don't know who else to talk to (LONG)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

warning: much relationship babble ahead

I haven’t been able to say this, or write it, or do anything else about it till now, and now I can’t move or do anything till I get this out. I’ve been living with my girlfreind of about six months for a little over a month now, and things aren’t going well. I used to beieve that this girl was the girl who I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, but in the past couple of weeks I’m getting these sneaking feelings that I don’t even know her. I feel like an idiot for falling so in love with her, and for ignoring what should have been obvious warnings to run away. but here I am.

There were hints along the way, infidelity on her part rather early in the relationship, and an outright warning from her that she would only “hurt me”. In one nadir of judgement on my part, I was scrambling for a scrap of reassuance shortly after we moved in together, I snooped into her email account and found a letter to a friend in which she confided to an ex lover that she felt trapped by living with me. She explained it away as a moment of weakness, I apologized for snooping (sincerely, btw, I wasn’t caught, I came clean).

The worst of it started while we were on a trip together to New York City, for the wedding of an old friend of hers. I could tell that something was off while I was there, and we finally got into a blow up about it, resulting in her initially saying that she wasn’t sure if she was still in love with me, and later retracting that, and saying that she just needed to get her head together and that being in NYC (where she grew up) had brought up a lot of life crises for her.

I came back to chicago a couple of days before she did, and was left alone with my thoughts for a while, and realized that I had been feeling really taken for granted lately. She has recently quit her job and had no money, leaving me paying her half of the rent for a couple of months. All of the past troubles, along with a strange distant tone in her voice on the phone combined to give me a sense of resolve that it was time for this to end. I called her, told her I thought it should be over, she got vaguely upset, and talked me out of it.

She came home last night. In the day and a half she’s been home, she’s yet to say “I love you” like we have always been oft to do. she’s failed to thank me for ordering, walking out in the cold to pick up, and paying for dinner tonight. She confessed that while she was in NYC she did coke agian, a habit for which she got in serious trouble in the past.

I’m also really concerned by her casually telling me about her last night in NYC in which she was out till 6 in the morning with a former boyfriend. She mentioned it, which makes me feel like it was innocent, and I’m not inclined towards being a paranoid person, but all of this is sort of adding up to make me really question my own judgement.

As always in stories like this, the post script is that we have a lot of fun together sometimes, and she makes me so happy during the good times and always manages to explain her actions during the rough spots ina way that leaves me feeling like they’re MY fault. I treat this girl better that I’ve ever treated a girl in my life. I’m loyal and supportive and haven’t strayed. My biggest mistake till now was the reading of her email.

I don’t know what to do. neither of us can afford to move, and its true that she’s going thru some rough shit personally right now, so I don’t want to be yet another thing in her life that lets her down. I want to be understanding ,I want to be supportive, but theres a limit to my patience, and I’m geting the creepingfeeling that I’m crossed the line from unconditional love and support to being take advantage of.

If you’ve bothered to read this far, thanks, and any advice or consolation or “that reminds me…” type of repies are certainly welcome. I’ve never burdened this board with my personal life before, but like i said in the title, I don’t feel comfortable talking aobut this with anybody else for some reason.

The Hat

2

Yes you do.

Get out. You say you don’t have enough money, but you can find a way. Dude, she’s not abusing you; you are. Don’t continue to put up with this. Get out now.

3

Deja vu.

I was in that situation once. Almost exactly. It took me a long time to look at the situation honestly and an even longer time to break it off. When I think about how much of my life I wasted and what a mess I made of things…

Yeah, well. Be objective. Figure out what you’d tell a friend to do if he were in your situation. Then do it. Don’t let the money stop you.

Good luck.

4

Get out now!

Doing coke?

Quit her job?

Stiffing you for half the rent?

Hanging till 6AM with an old beau (but not doing
anything ---- yeah right)?

You sound like a decent fellow. Love (and I am not in
any way, shape, or form questioning your feelings for her)
does not mean allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

Get out now!

Please!

5

You’re not the only one who’s getting that creeping feeling.

I’m with the other posters, esp. BillH - I think you do know what to do. Run, don’t walk, away from this one.

6

A similar thing happened to me as well. It’s so hard to walk away from a situation like this, even though you know you are being used. All I can say is take mine and everyone else’s advice and realize it’s not worth the effort/emotional stress/time/money to pursue things further with this girl.

your fortune cookie reads " you will find much happiness in the arms of another woman "

7

I’m going to go with all the other posts here, and say you KNOW what to do. You obviously still care about her, otherwise you would have asked her to leave (the apartment, not the relationship) by now. She’s probably not sure what she’ll do if you break up and she has to pay her own way. Tough titties. She’s a big girl.

Love ain’t always enough, and she sounds damn inconsiderate. This is only 6 months into the relationship. You can’t change her. You’ll be patting yourself on the back in a few months, thankful that you got out of this situation.

8

Speaking from experience, I know getting yourself out of a situation like this can be really, really hard. But it sounds like you know that’s what you need to do. You just need a little push.

Something that helped me break it off and stick to it, even though the creep I was with was VERY good at manipulating my feelings, was to visualize the alternative.

Try to picture what it will be like to NOT have to constantly worry if she’s with someone else. To NOT have to pay half her rent. To have a place to live that’s all your own. To basically be free of all that stress. Doesn’t the thought of being without her give you a huge feeling of relief? Just think…you’ll have a clean slate, with all possibilities open to you.

You know, don’t you, that you’re not going to spend the rest of your life with this girl, right? You’re miserable, right? Okay. So why waste anymore time here? Get her out of your life and move on. It’s going to happen eventually, one way or another, so you might as well go ahead and get it over with.

9

Sweetie, its time to throw in the cards. So you have great times sometimes? Fantastic!!! Take the happy moments and savor them, one at a time. And leave. know that the happy times will never be tainted by any of the crud that is happening now and let this one go. Go find some new happy times, by yourself or with someone new, but this one is over. It was good, but its time to let it go, before it starts leaving a really, really sour taste in your mouth.

If you’re feeling unsure, take this to her. If she’s having a rough time of something you don’t know about it, she could just be withdrawing into herself. (I do this. I start coming off as distant, rude, inconsiderate. I’m feeling like I can barely handle what I have to get done and I get tunnel vision. I appreciate when a friend of mine picks up on it and says anything from “you’re pretty distant lately, are you okay?” to “You’re being a cold hearted bitch lately and its pissing me off!”. I need the wake up calls.)

Its your call. Nothing we post here can really make you do anything, we can only call things as we see them.

10

What I told people when I got my divorce - There’s a fine line between a good relationship with some problems, and a bad relationship with some good times. I woke up one day and realized I was on the wrong side of that line.

And I think you’re on the wrong side of the line, too.

[quote]

she … always manages to explain her actions during the rough spots in a way that leaves me feeling like they’re MY fault.

[quote]

This is classic abusive behavior. You’re not at fault; she is manipulating you.

You will know a good relationship when your SO is making your life larger, not smaller. She is making your life smaller. This is not a good relationship.

11

In my experience, the reason for talking about things is not to gather advice but instead to hear your own thoughts.

I think that you just heard your own thoughts.

pan

12

I agree with what the other folks here thus far have said.

I would like to encourage you to NOT beat yourself up for “being stupid” or “not seeing it” or “being naive.” So you’re a good person. So you can fall in love with people despite the fact that they have flaws. So you want to believe the best in someone you love. So you aren’t the first person to bail when things get rough. Those are GOOD things. Things to be proud of. Don’t apologize for that. Someday, they’ll be the things that enhance the right relationship. You’ve just reached the point where it’s time to stop “trying to make things work” and get out while there is still something left of you to give to the right woman when she comes along.

13

It sounds to me like she’s already gone in spirit, but the body is just hanging around until the relationship comes to a complete stop. Talking it over is an option, though you’d have to resolve yourself not to cave in to accepting invalid rationalizations she might make.

I have to agree with the majority here–you should probably cut her loose. Exactly how might be a bone of contention, though. I doubt you want to just dump her out on the street, but you don’t want her to take advantage of you, either. I’m of the opinion that there’s such a thing as too much charity, that some people get too complacent if they keep getting something for nothing all the time. I think I’d have to actually be in the same position and feel it out in order to know what to do, but I’d probably cut her a little slack for a few weeks and then get firm. I guess it depends on your finances and what you’re feeling. If both your names are on the lease, I’m not sure what the contractual obligations are, if you can just kick her out–something to look into if you don’t know.

14

Oh, and Bad Hat? Keep us posted, k?

15

Jettison the bitch.

Something I figured out a few years ago: you’ll have a lot more good relationships if you end the bad ones.

16

Still unanimous. Run away. NOW.

17

There is not much more here that I can add beyond what the other dopers have contributed. But I will say this, she has been using you for some time it seems. I have known women (sometimes I am embarrassed to be one) who will give the hints about being with another guy to see how much of a rise out of you she can get. It is pretty certain that she didn’t stay out all night with this guy discussing philosophy… Finances might be tight, but you owe it to yourself to untangle yourself from this. She quit her job, knowing that you would pick up her slack. That clearly shows that she doesn’t give a damn for what you have to go through. She seems to be very selfish, and undeserving of you. Maybe she will learn something out of this when she has to cover her own ass for once. And trust me… she WILL try to guilt you out of it… but she will survive. Don’t think of it as being too harsh. Think of it as a survival tactic for you. lots of luck!! :slight_smile:

18

I agree with everyone else here; I would also like to mention that her problems are just that, her problems. You don’t need to feel guilty if you end the relationship with her when she isn’t 100% on her feet. You can’t fix her life, but she can drag you down with her, if that’s where she’s going. If you think you have given this relationship a really good effort, and you’re not getting anything back, then it’s time to end it with no guilt or regrets. And don’t get back together with her, either. End it clean, and let it die a natural death. Then you’ll be free to find a relationship that makes you happy (and we all deserve that).

19

And another vote here for the “Don’t beat yourself up about it” lobby. It sounds to me as though you’ve given it your best, and whatever happens from here on in, that’s to your credit. Only you can decide whether you’re ready to move on, and reading between the lines of your post, it sounds as though you may have already made that decision.

Forgive a newbie from jumping in with a response here…and I hope that things work out for you whichever choice you make.

20

Still unanimous–If the magic is gone, it’s gone. Time to fold the tent and move on down the road. Take what you have learned, and find a relationship that’s that much better. Finances may be tight, but not for you, once you stop supporting her.