don't know who else to talk to (LONG)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Agree with all of the above.

A major issue here is your idea of your own worth. I’d suggest to you that you deserve to be treated better than this. I’d suggest you deserve, and are entitled to, a relationship where you can give and receive love on much better terms than these. I’d suggest that each day you let yourself be treated less well than you deserve, you are just further diminshing your own idea of your own worth, and what you are entitled to.

Love yourself first. Hold out for the kind of relationship, and the kind of love, that you deserve. Never accept anything less.

This is not a dress rehearsal. Whatever you want to experience in life, get working on it now because one day you’ll be six foot under in a box and by then it’s a little late. If you want a relationship that is worthy of you, and all you can give (as well as all you can receive), then start looking for it now. This isn’t it. So end the chapter, turn that page, start a new one.

Difficult? Sure it is. We all accept that. But it won’t get any easier the longer you leave it. Besides, this just gives her control (she can keep you as long as it suits her, and then ditch you when it doesn’t).

It’s your life. It’s one life. It’s happening NOW and the clock don’t stop ticking. Do the right thing by yourself and by her - split up. There is someone out there, don’t know where precisely, who deserves you far better. Sooner you start tracking her down, sooner you’ll find her. Good luck… is something you make for yourself.

22

I would post here expressing my deep agreement with all that’s been said so far – I’ve been exactly where you are – but there are enough posts here to convince you of everything I would say, so in the interest of time and bandwidth I’ll forgo the post and just sit here smiling and nodding in agreement

…D’oh!

23

Hmm… maybe I shouldn’t do this.

I’m about to make it semi-not unanimous.

Has she always acted like this? Do you think that she was like this at the beginning and you just didn’t notice? If she is just going through a bad spot in her life and you two are really in love, then maybe you should try to persevere.

But if you know in your heart that it’s over, that you’d be better off without her and that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, break it off.

Good luck, man.

24

Might I suggest you ask your friends what they think of your relationship with this girl. Sometimes they are the most honest and can see things that you might not.

25

LaurAnge
I’m glad someone else said that first

I was reading down through all the posts, thinking okay, they’ve only been going out for 6 months, and just moved in together one month ago. I’m guessing the couple is 18 to 25??? So they are probably just getting used to each other.

The stuff about the majic being gone, well it’s easy to find again if you both really want too. But, as for you feeling “used”, maybe she doesn’t realize she’s doing that too you.

Now, I’m not taking her side, she definitely has some issues that need to be dealt with. She needs to prove to you a couple things, but isn’t that what a relationship is truely based upon, the ability of the couple to work out their problems. Remember it’s got to be a two way street. Sit down with her and tell her how you feel, and ask her to tell you how she feels, maybe she is feeling a litle trapped, maybe she was just having a weak point. Moving in to live with your SO is a big step, and takes some adjusting.

I just kinda felt like I should say something. From what I read, well, obviously she doesn’t look like the best “girlfriend” possible, but I’m not living in your shoes. Just saying your the one who knows what’s best for you.

26

Have to go with everyone else on this one. All the signs point to her not being right for you. You know, or you wouldn’t be so torn up about it. The coke, the 6am time with an ex, all of that is a bad sign. Find a friend or family member who can put you up for a while until you can find a roommate to share rent with and go. Don’t worry about whether she’ll be able to pay rent. Trust me. If she’s the type of gal I think she is, she’ll land on her feet.

27

Just wanted to chime in with everyone else. I’m a former coke user. I was always going to stop, I hated the way everyone changed around me, the way they always tried to imply bad things about me, etc. After a long time, and a lot of heartache on the part of those around me, I wised up.

Leaving now will probably save you a LOT of heartache later.

Trisha

28

walk away now , listen to logic , never listen to your heart you heart will always betray you

29

You’re sure not asking an easy question. Or maybe you really are. I guess the not easy part isn’t deciding what to do but actually doing it.

Hindsight is 20/20. I’d be willing to bet that despite the inevitable hell that breaking up will bring, in time you will look back on it and think, “Phew…that was the right decision.”

And I agree with a poster who said that a lot more good relationships happen when you end bad ones. Boy, is that not easy to see when following advice brings heartache.

It sounds like you’re a pretty good guy (minus that e-mail thing…shame on you) - and that she just isn’t making you happy. I know you posted for advice but you probably knew what everyone was going to say long before you had a response. So what I think you need is the gumption to break it off so that’s what I’ll try to do.

I don’t think she’s a bad person. I don’t think she’s evil. I don’t think you’re a fool for loving her and I don’t think you’re a fool because it hurts. Breaking up with her doesn’t mean any of those things. It simply means, “She’s not the one.” I know you may not want to keep us posted because you may be …ashamed (for lack of a better word) if you don’t break things off. So I do hope we hear from you again because I am sure you’ll be met with support.

My best to you,
Tiburon

p.s. Robert Frost said: “Something we were withholding made us weak Until we realized it was ourselves.”

30

god you guys. I have to say I was really touched to stop in here tonight and find so many replies on here. Thanks so much for all the advice. Its certainly been a lot to think about, but in the day since my OP, the SO and I had a long talk and I feel a lot better about things.

One thing she’s never been guilty of is lying to me. She told me about the early (really early, fist couple of weeks) infidelity just after it happened. and she came totally clean about the email i read. She also volunteered that she had done the coke while she was in NYC. I confronted her about the former beau in NYC and she assured me that it was strictly a freind thing (they apparently dated in HS, we’re both 25). I haven’t any reason not to take her word.

The main mitigating circumstance to some of her behavior is that she does have a history of some emotional issues. She’s on Zoloft, and she ran out of pills while in NYC and the combo of that and being around all of her old HS friends sems to have inspired a little early life crisis.

I know that there were a lot of votes for “RUN FAST!!!” but, for better or worse, thats not when I am at right now. We have issues for sure, but tonight for example, she taught me how to carve jack-o-lanterns, we had a great pasta dinner with a little wine, played chess, and made love. I’d say on average that there are far more of these nights than there are nights of doubt and mistrust. I’m the first to admot we have a lot of work to do, but I still believe that we fall into the earlier category of good relationship with some problems.

Its tough being in love with someone with a history of emotional issues. Always hard to strike the balance between understanding and patience, and taking things personally. theres certainly a duality in her behavior, but she’s getting better, and I am actually quite proud of the progress she’s made. (We started dating about 6 months after she hit rock bottom and went on meds). I’m not without my demons either, and its been my experience that nobody is. We all have emotional trouble of some sort, and even though hers sometimes seem more sever than some, she also has a great deal more conviction to oveer come her problems and be a better person than she was a year ago.

To answer some of the questions, most of our friends and family think we are perfect for eachother, and yes, it is ther first time either of us has lived with anyone, so there has certainly been an element of getting used to always having company, and fear, but most of the time, I feel genuinely like she’s the best thing in my life. We’ve both been at a prefessional crossroad lately, she was in a dead end office gig, and in all fairness to her, I TOLD her that if she had to quit that we could figure it out.

I’m sure some of you wnat to smack me as you read this, but i assure you that it wasn’t really a case of “I know what I have to do, I just need to get up the guts”. I was confused, and still am somewhat, but I go to sleep tonight feeling a hell of a lot better about things that I did last night. I think its worth putting a little more effort into.
good night all!!!
the Hat

31

Keep talking to us, Hat. Hear all of your thoughts. Talk it out. Only you have all the information - in particular how you feel in your heart. Only you know the right decision to make. So listen to yourself.

pan

32

** Hat**
I am glad for the time being things are better… at least there are still some good times, most of us who answered with “run away” heard the pain and confusion in your post, and probably more than a few of us have been in situations similar. I doubt anyone is going to bash you, we just want the best for our fellow dopers. If you feel it is worth sticking it out, then only you can decide what ultimatly makes you happy. I think there are still some serious issues that you and her need to discuss and see if you can work through. Maybe you just wrote the post in a fit of frustration… and that is ok. But think this thing through and do what you feel to be right for your future. Chess, carving pumpkins, and making love after a wonderful evening are terrific things… but they cannot always supercede the really bad stuff. Good luck to you… and please keep us informed!

33

The first couple of times I head this from a woman I was dating, I ignored it. I mean, they couldn’t be serious, could they?

They were serious. Wisdom is gained through pain, and boy, was it a painful lesson to learn.

Now when I hear that, or “I’m not a good person”, or other such things, I flee.

Bad Hat, I hope you’re right that you can work through this. If she is actively looking for a job and putting effort into mending the relationship with you, then there is hope. Be careful though, and don’t try to cling to that hope if there is no foundation for it.

34

Hey, Hat, it’s good to know that things are working out, and you’ve had the chance to talk about it. Sometimes just setting it down on paper is a chance to think it through and decide what’s important. I hope it works out for you…and if not, head on back to the Board.

35

Sorry, but count me in that boat. Just because you’ve talked it out doesn’t mean there aren’t serious issues with this girl that are still there.

There are plenty of women out there you can carve pumpkins with. Everybody is a repeat-offender; everybody makes the same mistakes over and over again. It’s a basic law of biology: a leopard can’t change it’s spots. If she’s treated you like this before, she will again.

Another thing I thought about since my first post: You say you don’t have enough money to move out. But you do have enough money to pay for her apartment, her coke, and maybe rubbers for her affairs. That money’s coming from somewhere and she ain’t working. You can find a way.

Sorry to be such a heel. I do wish the best for your life, however you choose to live it.

36

I wouldn’t classify that as heelness, simply being realistic. “Talking things out,” is, I think, far too often just a pretty fairy tale. The character of every person lies within the pattern of what they do, and actions beat out words every time. Learning that kind of lesson can do unpleasant things to a heart–here’s hoping in twofold: one, that Hat’s lessons, when they come, are as painless as possible, and two, that I (and the vast majority that have spoken here) are mistaken.

37

It will all be fine…maybe soon she will be pregnant, and provided you can keep her off the coke she will be a great mom, then after a couple of years of hell, you will hate each other, make sure you have a good job for the therapy bills for junior, cuz this has UGLY_COMING written all over it. (just one scenario)

For gods sake man, use reliable birth control, get some financial advice, and get some persepctive. You dont have a whole lot of time invested in this relationship, maybe just get some space, do you have to live together??

38

Sigh.

I think you are just delaying the inevitable, but your life is your own. Regarding your girl’s emotional difficulties, many of us have psychological/psychiatric problems, including me. They are no excuse whatsoever for bad behavior, drama, and manipulation. Speaking for myself, when I let my head problems get the better of me and I start acting like a complete jerk, people who make excuses for me only make it worse. Sometimes I need a (metaphorical) boot in the butt to snap me back to reality. Do I resent it? Hoo-BOY, do I resent it. But it makes life work better in the long run.

Based soley on your brief description, your girl sounds mildly Borderline. If so, you have a tough road ahead of you. Hope I’m wrong, hope it works out. Good luck.

39

kellibelli wrote the best advice in this thread:

40

Amen. Two kinds of birth control, preferably. (Ex. The Pill AND a condom)

And Bad Hat, if you wind up on the down-swing of this relationship again, feel free to email me if you want to talk about it and don’t want to admit it to the board. I have experience with this kind of stuff–have been pretty much exactly where you are now. (Although I don’t think anyone here is judging you. We’ve ALL been there.)

Now that things are good, an idea…keep a short diary. Keep track of the days you feel good about the relationship, and the days you fee upset/worried/anxious/unsure, etc. about the relationship. If the latter days outnumber the former, you might want to rethink things again.

Whatever happens, good luck!