Women. Explain.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, here’s the situation.

I think my girlfriend’s going to finish it with me. We’ve been together 6 months. She complains that She dosent see me enough, and that we have to plan what we do around me. Which is a fair enough point, I am a busy guy. Between work, my radio DJ slot and my Band, my time is limited. But I spend more time with her than I do on my hobbies. I have been working a few weekends lately, which she understands, but if something else comes up and I have to cancel on her, We argue. or rather, she argues, I apologise, and then feel guilty for upsetting her.

She tells me that I need to stand up for myself, and learn how to say no, and not to volunteer for everything. But thats just who I am.
We spent the weekend arguing about this, and we both got fairly angry.
I had a gig yesterday afternoon (which itself was the cause of another arguement), and phoned her when I got back, saying I’ll go over to her when I get cleaned up. I had a thumping headache. I took 2 aspirin and by accident, fell asleep.
I rang her as soon as I woke up, (an hour after I was supposed to see her) and apologised, explained about the headache and falling asleep. she got angry about this, about having to wait for me. She didn’t feel that she should call me to see if I was running late.

She hung up on me.

I sent her a message today, saying “Are we talking?”
And I got the following back “Of course we are, we’re not kids for fuck sake.”

Now before you get me wrong, She is a really nice girl (anyone of you I’ve talked to about her will know how I feel).

I was prepared to give up my radio DJ slot to spend more time with her, but now I don’t know if its worth it.

I’m confused.
Help.

2

C’mon, Twisty. You were supposed to meet her and you never showed up and then phoned her an hour after you were already late. I know you well enough to believe your excuse but, still, I’d be pissed off if I were her. Accept that you’ll have to grovel a bit over this one.

As to the wider issue, I guess the question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to spend more time with her, even if it’s at the expense of other things, and whether her demands on your time are reasonable. You don’t want to wind up resenting her for pressuring you to give things up that you really want to do. On the other hand, you don’t want to lose her and then find yourself dedicating loads of sappy love songs to her on your radio show. Unfortunately, this is really something that only you can determine the answer to.

I do hope it works out for you though.

3

And I thought the old joke “Define the Universe and give four examples” was a tough one. :rolleyes:
From what you’ve said, she wants to make it work, too. But if she doesn’t get the time from you that she needs, she may change her mind about that and decide to move on.

Either she needs to be more accepting of the quality of time she gets from you rather than the quantity, or you need to make more time for her, or both. Talk it out, especially focusing on why she wants to spend more time with you; and let her know that just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you’re busy to avoid spending time with her. (This may be part of her fears. Missing your get-together this weekend wouldn’t have helped that, I’m sure you know.)

If you two have a good heart-to-heart, and understand each other a bit better, than it’ll probably become obvious whether or not you should drop the DJ gig, or find other ways to include her in the things that you do (would she make a good back-up singer?)

Good luck…

Paul

4

waves hi, newbie here. But I have experience at being a woman :wink:

What I am wondering from reading this is if your girlfriend has any/many hobbies and/or (other) friends. If she has a lot of time on her hands, she’ll have more time to think about you doing other things instead of doing them with her. Make sense?

Are your only hobbies the ones you’ve mentioned? Do you guys go do ‘stuff’? Ie. play pool, go to concerts, is she interested in your band stuff? Or are ‘you’ as a couple the only thing that you guys share? If that’s the case, you might look at finding things to do that she can be included in, passively or actively.

I’m not addressing her anger here because it obviously has a root, and it might have something to do with the stuff I mentioned above.

My SO is also a very busy guy, but I find it a lot easier to deal with when I’m busy myself. If I have time to dwell on it, I often get pissed off for very little reason.

None of what I mentioned will give you a quick fix, but it might give you something to work towards if she’s open to suggestion.

5

Fair point.

If she is running late, I’d ring her to check. This arguement has come up before about waiting on each other. She has rang me in the past. I can understand that she’d be angry but I think she was looking for a reason to argue with me.

She’s worth the loss of my DJ slot. But how do I know that she won’t turn around in 3 months and tell me I’m spending too much time with my band?

I love the girl, but I really don’t want to go through all this shit again.

6

Major disclaimer: I know diddly about you, her, your Romance Thus Far. Take anything I say with that in mind.

There is compromise, and then there is being compromised. It’s nice that you want to work this out with the lady, but you both sound a little vague on where this is going. Time for a heart-to-heart. Set your OWN priorities, and be firm on them, and allow her to do this as well. Decide what can and cannot be worked around. Stick to the rules you set together. Be respectful and considerate of one another (you know, basic Golden Rule stuff.) Fight fair.

7

I disagree. If this isn’t something he routinely does (leave her waiting for an hour without showing up), she should be able to understand that sometimes things just happen that are unintentional and out of people’s control. Having a hissy fit when he called, apologized and explained is just plain childish. He shouldn’t have to “grovel” after such a minor thing.

As to the rest of it, since I’m only getting one side, my opinion is completely biased. But based solely on what I’m reading here, she sounds like she’s selfish, immature and far too demanding.

You need to? Huh? Uhm, only if volunteering and doing those things are making you unhappy do you “need” to change your ways.

I wish you the best of luck working this out, hon. I know you care about her, but if she’s hurting you by starting all these petty arguments, it might be time to rethink the future potential of this relationship.

{{{{{John}}}}}

I really appreciate your consideration in avoiding stepping on my penis - Spiny Norman
Jeg elsker dig, Thomas
[sub][sup]Join Team Straight Dope in the fight against cancer![/sup][/sub]

8

Talk, talktalktalktalk…and then talk s’more.

Let her know that you’re willing to make the time, and that she means enough to you to make sacrifices. But also let her know what’s important to you…and figure out how to work around that if it’s a problem.

I didn’t want to make my first post an epic, but Venoma hit on some other things I was thinking about. [sub]Hi, newbie! Welcome to the boards![/sub] My wife and I have gone through that issue a few times in our relationship.

One more thing…is she hinting at needing a stronger committment from you? For some women, 6 months of dating is about the time they start thinking about a ring, and not on the telephone. Is she getting anxious about the future, and wanting you to show that you’ll be The One[sup]®[/sup]?

::sound of screeching tires:: Hey TwistofFate, where you goin’ in such a hurry?

9

That says a lot. Since you have only been together a short period of time I would advise that you let this one go while you can still have some fond memories.

It is much better to find a partner who fits into your life then to try to rearrange your life to fit around a partner. It sounds to me like she will always resent the time that you spend doing other things and that you will always be wanting to do other things. Why not find someone who appreciates what you do? Someone who admires the fact that you are always will to volunteer for things. Someone who enjoys being in your life the way it is.

That is just my two cents. If you really love her and think that she is worth giving up parts of your life for then go ahead and do it. Just don’t be angry at her about it in six years.

10

Okay, I’ve been on the female side of this, so I’d just like to stick my nose in.

In my experience women want attention. Girly-girls, butch dykes, librarians…we’re all about the attention.

Y’know, I’ll take that back. We’re all about the time spent. A subtle, yet important difference. Women want to feel that we’re important to you. We understand scheduling, we understand hobbies and jobs and other friends and all that real life stuff. What we don’t understand is when you’re willing to make time for all that other stuff, but not for us.

I’ve hung out with a guy that reminds me of you, TOF. He has an incredibly demanding job where he works probably 90-100 hours a week at least. He has friends, family, hobbies and a 25 minute drive if he wants to come see me. If he and I make plans it’s a 50-50 shot that he’ll actually show up.

But you better by-gods believe he’s never missed paintball. Hell, no.

Case in point, this past Friday. Here’s the schedule.

Thursday email from guy: Would you like to hang out this weekend?
From me: Sure. You’re the one with the schedule, when’s good for you?
Guy: Doesn’t matter. I’ll make time. You tell me when.
Me: Okay, how about Friday night?
Guy: Absolutely. I’ll talk to you tomorrow about exact time.

Friday morning email:
Guy: Are we still on for tonight? If so, what time is good for you?
Me: How about 730p-ish?
Guy: Depends when I can get out of work, but I’ll definitely aim for it. I’ll call, okay?

Friday evening 600p-ish. Still no call. I call and leave voice mail: “Hey, should I eat or not? What are we doing?”

Friday evening 630p-ish. No phone call. I go eat.

Friday evening 800p-ish. Phone call from guy saying, “I’m still at work, dammit. I’ll be another hour or so, then have to run home to change shower. Is 1000p or so okay?”

Friday evening 1030p. Phone call. “Just now leaving work! Will be there about 1130p.”

Friday evening 1100p. Phone call. “Stuck in traffic! Is midnight or 1230a too late for you?”
Me: It’s not too late if you are going to actually show up. If you’re not, tell me. No big deal, but I’m not going to sit around in my makeup any longer, dammit. I’ve been ready to go for five hours. Just TELL ME if you’re not coming.
Guy: I will absolutely be there. So sorry all this has happened. Just hang in there, okay?

Friday evening 1130. Phone call. "Still stuck in traffic. Getting tired. Don’t think I’ll get over to your place…

::Nym bangs head repeatedly on phone, wall, dog, and any other surface she can find::

A whole night wasted sitting around waiting for someone. Were they all viable excuses? Yes, of course. Was he on the level? Sure. Was it still inconsiderate? Hell yeah! Was I still pissed off? You better believe it.

My point is, with regards to posts by ruadh and Shayna, if it’s a once in a while thing, sure, she should absolutely understand. Hey, life happens. However, if it’s a pattern…well, she’s got just cause to curse. IMOSHO, of course. Gods know I’ve spent way too many hours wondering just what is going on in my guy’s mind. Is this a suble hint that he doesn’t really care? Is he just that clueless? Does he dig the drama that blowing me off inspires?

Men. Explain.

11

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Paul The Younger *

Can I say something here? There is no such thing as quality time. That’s just BS in my book. I don’t want my love to come over, sweep me off my feet, make fantastic love to me and tell me a hysterically funny story or two, then cook me a wonderful meal and leave! No, thank you.

I love hanging out. I want to sit in different corners of the sofa, reading a book, I want to curl up in his lap and watch a stupid sitcom, I want to take a long walk and say nothing. That’s what I want.

But what the hell do I know?

12

What’s to explain?
We’re adorable.
We’re irresistable.
You can’t live without us.
You should buy us presents.
Where’s the mystery in that?? :smiley:
I have nothing of value to offer here, obviously, but good luck in working things out!!

13

For you to give up something that makes you happy, such as your radio DJ spot, is a bit much. Like you said, what if a few months from now she wants you to quit the band? Are you supposed to rearrange your life to better fit into hers? I don’t think so. And for the record, after dating for only 6 months I don’t think she’s in a position to tell you what she wants you to do! Think about what you have in common. What do you like to do when you’re together? What do you like to talk about? Make a list of the Pros and Cons about her and the relationship. I’ve done this a couple of times and it works. If the Cons outweigh the Pros, why stay with her?

14

[/quote]
…to try to rearrange your life to fit around a partner
[/quote]

This hit home. I’m doing this, but she says that she is rearranging her life for me. She has her friends and hobbies, but recently her best friend got married, and the other friends either have kids to look after or work strange hours.

Another thing you should know is that she’s older than me. by 4 years.

I think its all going to go down the tubes. quite horribly.

Funny. I really do love her, but things just aren’t right.

15

Exasperatingly obviously and mindnumbingly logical. But only to other men. :slight_smile:

(anyone else think male-female relationships resembles the Tower of Babel? Everyone thinks someone is saying something other than what they’re really saying.)

16

Sorry to hear it’s not going so well Twisty. The fact that that sentence hit home is a big clue I think. But talk to her some more - explain how you feel. Do you think if you tell her you don’t think it’s working that she’ll try to modify her behaviour? And would that last? Is the way she’s feeling more about what sort of person she is in comparison with you and a fundamental personality clash, or is it something that can be resolved? Don’t go giving up that radio slot before you’ve talked a little more about what you both want.

Best wishes,

Fran

17

Just got a phone call from her asking was I free to talk.

Would anyone like to start a book on my status tomorrow morning?

18

If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. I spent two years in not-right.
Best wishes, Twisty. I wish I could be more help to you.

19

Twisty, a relationship where one of the partners is forever apologzing to the other partner is a bad relationship.

As I type to you from the ripe old age of 27, I’ll say that you are in the stage of life where you SHOULD be in a band, you SHOULD be DJ’ing (would you send me a tape if I sent you my addy, I bet it’s HILARIOUS), you SHOULD be working crazy job hours (if you like what you do).

I’ve been involved with The Busy Guy[sup]tm[/sup] before. Busy Guy is interesting, and fun, and has a lot going for him, and is so sexy because he does all these cool things. Sometimes hanging out with Busy Guy sucks - Nym’s description was right on in a lot of ways.

Women like attention, unfortunately some women also like control. It almost sounds like she’s testing you - “does he love me enough to give up DJ-ing?” Soon it will be “does he love me enough to give up his band?” “does he love me enough to wear that ugly sweater to meet my parents?” Once she’s stripped away everything that made you cool and interesting, she’ll dump you for some cool bass player who is doing a degree in physics and modern languages at night because she’s bored with staying at home with you all the time.

Which is not to say that your particular girl is like that. But if you like your busy schedule and the things you are doing make you happy, you’ve got to be honest with her about the demands on your time. The problem with being involved with Busy Guy[sup]tm[/sup] isn’t necessarily the schedule itself. It’s that Busy Guy tends to overpromise and underdeliver - “I’ll be there at 6…no, sorry, 7…no, midnight I’m afraid…no, I’m not coming.” THAT is the single most annoying thing you could do. We like men who do what they say they are going to do when they say they are going to do it.

So be honest up front. “I will probably have to work Friday night and have band practice on Sunday, so you should make other plans. Saturday is all yours however.” And then, by all that is holy, keep that Saturday commitment with her and tell everyone else to go to hell.

You will be tempted to say “If I get out early on Friday or Sunday I’ll call you.” Don’t. Encourage her to make other plans instead of waiting around for your sorry ass. If you do happen to get out early, then go ahead, call her and see what she’s doing - it will come as a pleasant surprise. But don’t even hold out the promise of it until you know for sure that you can deliver.

20

In certain contexts I might agree, but not this one. They had already had an argument over not seeing each other that weekend. That made his promise to see her later in the evening all the more important. At a time like that you better have a damn good reason to break a date, and “I fell asleep” doesn’t cut it, IMHO. She most likely took it as a sign that he wasn’t that bothered about seeing her, and I don’t blame her for it.

Besides, if I feel the need to lie down for a bit and there’s something I have to do later on, I set my alarm, just in case. Sleeping through the time when you’ve promised to phone someone isn’t really “beyond your control”.

Anyway I don’t mean to beat you up about this Twisty … it kind of sounds to me like you’ve already made your mind up anyway that it isn’t going to work out. I agree with what the others said that you should have a long talk with her first. Hopefully you can come to an arrangement that suits you both.