Ruadh,
I said to her on the phone that My head was ringing. when I get a headache, I simply can’t stay awake. at all.
I don’t want it to go pear shaped. Unfortunately, I can see exactly where this “talk” is going to go from her side and am preparing myself for the worst.
Let me know when you get back, and the first round will be on me while I bend your ear with all the details.
Preach ON, Sister Mags!
I would date a guy that cannot cook.
I would date a guy that is more boring than Bob Saget.
I would date a guy that has the manners of a kumquat.
I would date a guy that MAKES GRAMMATICAL ERRORS!
I would do all of these things if I only knew he would do the above.
Amen.
Christ! I knew I forgot something off my list.
This is so vital. So vital.
Frankly, men and women are not that different
The problem is that no one (including me) actually tries to put themselves in the other person’s place when they are “trying” to understand them. We think about what is important to us, and what our motivations and feelings are, and wonder why they can’t accept that as important; but we don’t consider that they have feelings and motivations and things that are important to them.
Put yourself in her place. As I understand it, you are making plans to be with her, then breaking them to do something else. Exactly how would you feel if you and she made plans to go to dinner and she cancelled them at the last minute? Consider that you might have given up a DJ or band gig; that you could have gone out with friends but you had declined knowing that you were going to see someone you loved, made an extra effort to look nice for her, or clean your house?
This, in general, is not a cool thing to do to anyone. When you make plans with someone, they usually are giving something up or making a special effort of some type to be with you. The easiest way to handle this is to not make plans if you keep finding yourself unable to commit. But you may find that you simply don’t have time for a girlfriend at all.
I do tend to agree with your girlfriend that you probably need to “need to stand up for myself, and learn how to say no, and not to volunteer for everything.” Even if it’s the “way you are”. I’ve know many people who do this, explain “It’s the way I am”, and end up being the person that get’s dumped on by everybody because “Twisty will do it”. People will actually lose respect for you when you do this, and they will actually get angry with you, the day that you can’t do what they want you to do, because you have something else that is even more important to you. And you will end up resentful, stressed and angry because you’re putting in all the work, and other people are taking it easy. (They aren’t taking it easy; they stood up for what they thought was fair and they won’t be pushed into being treated unfairly) You should at least not volunteer, or not agree to do something about every 10 or so times, just so they know that you are always available and that it’s none of their g-d business that you aren’t.
People are telling you to talk to your girlfriend, but if you approach it like most people would, you will probably end up without a girlfriend at the end of the talk, and with a broken heart.
You should not go into this expecting that just talking about what is important to you is going to set things right. She is not happy now, and you can’t talk her into being happy.
Your first goal should be to understand what she is losing and what she is going through and how your behavior makes her feel. How does she perceive your motivations? You don’t have to change your life to make her happy, but you must understand why she is unhappy. Then you have a chance at finding a way to make both of you happy. I don’t think you should quit your DJ job; this is a specific, a detail and problems are not in the details, they are in the underlying structure.
You can approach this talk as “You vs. me” or you can approach this as “You and Me vs. the problem” Ask her what you can do to solve the problem; if you don’t like her solution, ask her what she thinks she will get from that and try to come up with a solution that will give her what she wants and still let you be happy.
Tell her that you won’t change for her, you are, who you are. No reason for you to be unhappy. She is likely to be unhappy regardless of what you do to change- if not because of one thing, then another. I was in your situation about 2 yrs ago, and I ended up avoiding her. Be your own person, it takes an act of God to be otherwise.
I hope whatever happens goes smoothly.
Twisty, just how important is your music? I mean, are you a musician, or are you just a guy who fools around a bit with a band?
This really is important. I am married to a musician. Music is not just his job–it is part of his personality. Take it away from him, and he’d die.
My husband and I don’t do a lot together on weekends. Why? Because musicians work weekends, that’s why. It’s pretty simple. I don’t demand that he give up his weekends for me. That would be like him demanding I give up one day a week from my day job–and since I’m the one with the benefits, that ain’t gonna happen.
Do you really want to spend time with a person who would really like the fact that you gave up a job just to spend more time with her? I myself don’t think that’s fair.
TwistofFate
Just one more female opinion…
Would I have been mad if my busy boyfriend (assuming I had one) fell asleep and missed a date? Well, I’d probably have been a little peeved… and I probably would have called to see where the heck he was. But, when he apologized and explained the reason (i.e. falling asleep because he didn’t feel well), I would have forgiven, forgotten, and gotten on with life. (In my book, you would have won major points for calling to apologize without being prompted) These things happen. People have lives outside of their romantic relationships, and sometimes, other things get in the way.
My best advice is know what you want before you talk to her. Know what parts of your life (friends, activities, hobbies… whatever) are most important to you, and know what things you might be willing to compromise on. It’s important that you know your own mind clearly (or as clearly as possible) before you try to deal with her. Listen to what she has to say. Ask her what she needs, and if you can’t be the person she needs without giving up the things that make you you, then maybe this isn’t destined to work out…
I find this:
To be a bad sign. If she wants/needs you to change your life, and your personality in order to make her happy, then maybe you aren’t the right person for her.
I wish you well. This kind of “talk” is always hard.
((TwistofFate))
Many hugs
-Pandora
The moment you ask yourself that question you demonstrate you are not particularly interested in making this relationship work. A “toy job” like DJing vs. a woman you claim to love and wish to spend more time with. It’s a no-brainer.
… I am a busy guy. … my time is limited. But I spend more time with her than I do on my hobbies.
I was prepared to give up my radio DJ slot to spend more time with her, but now I don’t know if its worth it.
TOF, It seems pretty clear to me that she’s not a big part of your plans. Maybe she’s picking up on that and is tired of wasting her time.
More time on her than you do on your hobbies??? Sheesh.
Why is that such a “toy job”? Twisty isn’t married, has no kids, and is in his early 20’s. That’s such mean and unfair thing to say. Why not give up the controlling girl?
Everyone’s favorite quote:
And I can’t expand on the problems implicit in that better than has already, repeatedly, been done.
Life is short. Be who you be, and do it with people who accept it. That works both ways, of course.
Walk now, it’ll be better in the long run.
There is nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to “make something work” either- Some things are just not meant to be, and it takes a while to find that out. That’s why people date -before- marriage. When you make the right decision, you will feel like a weight is lifted from your shoulders, but it may be hard for a little while after. Still, it’s better than some weight off your shoulders, then more weight every six months or so, and then being miserable for the rest of one of your lives.
But that’s just me, and I’m a cynical bastard.
Lots of good advice here. I hope it all works out to the best soon! {{{John}}}
One could say some stupid cliche about there being plenty of fish in the sea, but considering how incredibly lonely and depressed I am without any female companionship, I’ll say: do whatever you can to keep her, short of quitting your job. Losing a job isn’t worth it.
Hi everyone. let me clear a few things up.
My DJ’ing is totally voluntary in a hospital radio station. I don’t get paid, its something I do because I enjoy doing it.
My music is everything to me.
there has been a lot of really good advice in the thread. my thanks to everyone who has contributed.
I’m just back from my girlfriends. she told me that she realises that it was unfair of her to pressure me. It wasn’t her intention for me to have to choose what I wanted to do.
I told her that I was taking her for granted, but that I didn’t want us to be over.
I suppose I was a little over the top earlier. call it emotion, call it what you will, I was a little rough on her.
We talked for hours, and I came home a lot happier than I was earlier.
the upshot of it is that we are going to work on what we have.
My situation is better than I tought. I had written myself off. Tonight has made me realise what I love about her. That despite being unhappy with our relationship, she wouldn’t just dump me.
Thanks for everything people. I’m overwhelmed.
That’s great, Twisty. I’m very happy that you guys worked through this and that you’re happy again. Big Hugs
Just returned and what do ya know, I’m too late to offer my expert advice on how to handle the situation !! :eek:
Well anyway, I was going to waffle on about ‘reassurance’ and how you’re being nudged along to the next level but, here we are and I’m just glad everything worked out for yer, Johnny boy.
Just worth remembering sometimes, the ladies aren’t always as keen to tread water as you might be. IMHO.
Good luck.
I’m coming into the thread late but I just want to say that I am really glad that things are working out for the two of you. You really shouldn’t have been so quick to write yourself off John, you are a great guy and she obviously knows it!
At least this showed the two of you that there are things that both of you can do to build the relationship, but most of all it has shown that you love each other enough to make it work. That in itself says a lot!
Hope it all works out, Twisty.
But be aware. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I feel I must say this nonetheless. And I almost know for sure you’d appreciate it. [sub][sup]Right?[/sup][/sub]
The basic message? Simple.
**Don’t try to change who or what you are. YOU CAN’T, and any attempt will be futile. **
Behaviour can be changed. She doesn’t like loud bars? Take her to a restaurant! She doesn’t like football? Hey, watch it with your mates, and take her to the movies the next evening!
It becomes a problem when behaviour is so hard-wired that it becomes a characteristic. This is usually the case with things you have a great passion about - your music, perhaps your DJ gig (I don’t know just how important that is to you)…
After 6 months, you should know each other well enough to know which areas of each others personalities are “off-limits”. Things that are just “your thing”, and that are never gonna change. After all, you’ve lived for more than 2 decades without her. She’s a new influence on you. She can’t expect you to be 100% compatible with her wishes, and neither can you her.
Mate, that last bit is important. It took me 3.5 years to figure our my girlfriend couldn’t accept the fact that we just had fundamentally different views on life, and different expectations of it.
Six months? It should still be fun, and nothing but fun for 98%. A quarrel here and there, sure, but anything that eats at you and keeps coming up is a sign of things going wrong.
Having said all that, I sincerely hope all of the above doesn’t apply to you, and I hope you’ll be able to tell me I was full of shit in a few weeks time. 
Me and L-C weren’t out back making out during the first part of this conversation, no really. Nope, nu-huh, although we were both late, we showed up in separate cars and the timing was just a co-inky-dink, ain’t that right L_C? 