I wanted (and still do) to go to New York to see the Gates in Central Park. On Wed I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go to New York with me on Sunday (today). I didn’t tell her what I had planned just seeing an off broadway show and walking around. She told me she had already asked two of her friends if they wanted to get together Sunday and she had to hear from them first.
The next day I asked her again and she said she didn’t hear from them so she couldn’t give me an answer.
I didn’t ask her again until last night.
I had heard from one of her friends that she made plans for today (When I wanted to go to NY) to go to the movies with another friend of hers (not the two she already asked before she was asked by me).
When I asked her last night if she was going to go with me to New York, she told me that she has to go to the grocery store for my mother today (not mentioning the movie thing she doesn’t know I know about) I thanked her for not letting me know at all if she could go or not so I was not able to make plans to do anything else today. Her excuse was because I didn’t keep asking her she thought I decided not to go to NY.
I’m upset because
I should be a higher priority than her friends at times. We have not gone anywyere in a while because we both work during the week and on weekends we have occasional jobs that are offered to us
I feel she should have told me about the plans she made with her other friend without me hearing it from a mutual friend
By her not letting me know she would not go and making me ask again over the phone while I was with her friends it makes me look like an idiot.
Its a pretty shitty thing to do to anyone let alone your SO. Not knowing anything about your relationship this seems like a pretty big sign something is amiss.
This seems like bad communication to me. In your mind, you had a really cool trip set up with a definite goal in mind. What you communicated to her seemed (from what you wrote) to be a sort of casual, see-what-we-find-when-we-get-there, just something to do kind of thing. Is it possible that’s how it came across? She may not have realized that this was a big deal to you.
Also, when you found out that she’d made plans to go to a movie, why didn’t you tell her you knew? Where you testing her? If you’d said, “Hey, I heard you planned to go to the movies on Sunday. I was still hoping we could go to New York. It was really important to me that we get up there this weekend. Do you think you could rearrange your schedule?” pr something like that, she probably would have apologized for the misunderstanding and rescheduled accordingly.
If you’re feeling that you’re not coming as high on her priority list as you’d like, let her know and use examples (in a non-accusing way). Also, I don’t think it makes you look like an idiot for asking her about the trip in front of her friends. Would you have felt like that if you were confirming plans with a male friend? All you were doing was planning a schedule.
Treis Imbrium and C3 we have been together over four years. She says she loves me but often her friends come first, I can’t get angry at that because when I want to go somewhere with my friends (of either gender) she does not complain.
When I went to Florida for my birthday last year with a close friend of mine (female) and an ex of mine who I am friends with (female) she didn’t go because she said she would have felt out of place even though she knows them and has spent time with them.
She works in a child care setting and lately has been baby sitting on Saturday nights so she has extra money to go towards her bills. I work as a DJ on Friday nights for some extra money and we get together for a few hours then before I have to go to the DJ job.
Last month we did not see much of each other because of our schedules and when I did invite her over for an afternoon on a Saturday before she had to baby-sit or a Sunday she would tell me basicly it depends on what her other friends are doing.
Next month she is going to go to North Carolinia with a friend of hers to visit some friends of theirs who moved there. I was invited to go but can’t miss my classes (I returned to college at 30). I wanted to take her to Florida for Valentines weeked which just past but she said she can’t take the time off (Friday and Monday) because she will not have any vacation time left to use when she goes to NC and doesn’t want to take unpaid leave.
I had told her we would see an off broadway show in New York but I didn’t know which one it would be until I saw what I could get tickets for, and we would walk around sight seeing.
The only reason I didn’t tell her I knew she was going to the movies today was because she didn’t use that as an excuse. She gave me the reason that her mother who isn’t feeling well needs her to go food shopping for her today. So for all I know she did cancel the movie plans with her friend. Although how having to go food shopping prevents you from doing anything else the whole day is beyond me.
You’ve been together for four years? Do you see a future with this lady? If your loosey-goosey relationship works for you, good for you, but I expected my boyfriend to make time for me, and he expected the same of me, and we put our relationship first because it was important to both of us.
I’m guessing you don’t feel very important to her - and it doesn’t sound like you are, either, from what you’ve said here.
from my own (female) perspective, i think its a case of two things happening.
is that she may be losing interest int he relationship and is hoping you’ll end it if she backs off.
or
She thinks you’re backing off and losing interest and thinks its better to detach herself from you incase she gets hurt.
the only solution and the simplest is to ask her what is happening and reasses your relationship and tell her exactly how you feel and if you both want the relationship to ontinue, then how you can both make it work.
If you mean do I see myself getting married to her, I don’t see myself getting married to anyone until I make more personal changes in my life. I want to get out of my parents house and into a place of my own. I know that with her and mine combined incomes we could not afford a decent place with what we have in debts. That is one reason I am working at the bar on Fridays.
I do love her and I know she loves me. I change my plans when she tells me she wants us to do something and I have something already planned for that date, but there are alot of things I like that she doesn’t and it feels like pulling teeth if I try to get her to go.
kawaii thanks for the hope on our relationship. Her friends have told me they don’t know how I’ve been able to put up with her antics so long they think I’m a saint and there is a place for me in heaven.
If I didn’t get notes from her that she doesn’t know what she would do without me in her life and that she is thankful for having me I’m assume that your first idea is on the mark that she wants me to break up with her. But, knowing she acted like this when we were together about six months and I did break up with her, but took her back when she said she would change (and she did for a while) I can’t agree with that.
I would like what we have to work out. I don’t want to go back into that pool of being single but I don’t want to be with someone just so I am not alone.
Look, from this guys perspective, it sounds like you need to put your ho in check. The bitch is lying to you and using YOUR mother as an excuse? Fuck that shit!
What you need to do is start asking probing questions and see how far she will push the lie and then close the trap on her:
“How were the errands for my mom?”
“What did you get?”
“Did you go to the A&P on Fifth?”
“Funny thing was I was talking to my mom yesterday and…”
You get the idea.
The thing about on again off again relationships is that the underlying problem never goes away. Usually the parties just get bored or loney so they get back together. One of my friends spend months trying to get back together with his exgirlfriend and now he can’t stand it again. I’d like to set up a debate between present-day “Dave” and 6 months ago Dave.
No not my mother, it was her mother she had to go shopping for. She called me a while ago wondering why I didn’t call her today when she left a message on my phone that she was around. I haven’t gotten any messages from her that I know of and I did lie to her. I told her I was in NY by myself, and she wanted to know when I was going back because she would go with me.
I know no matter what (barring snow) I will go next weekend by myself if I have to to see the Gates on Saturday.
This is just my opinion, of course, based on only what I see here, and I am truly sorry, but your relationship has “doomed” written all over it. Being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t respect you or treat you decently. Please do yourself the favour of not settling for less than you deserve.
Your description makes me wonder if she’s one of those people who thinks it’s mean to say “no,” and therefore avoids saying it at all costs…even if it creates a bigger problem than saying “no” would.
So, is it beyond the realm of possibility that she was thinking about going to the movies with her friends but decided to shop (and presumably spend time with) her sick mom instead? Just because she had a tentative plan and changed it doesn’t make her a liar. She may not have mentioned the movies because she was up in the air on what she wanted to do. Just a thought. I wouldn’t assume malice if it could be something more simple and easily explainable.
Blowing you off to spend time with her friends on occasion isn’t that big a deal. In fact, it’s healthy that you both maintain friendships apart from each other.
However. “Last month we did not see much of each other because of our schedules and when I did invite her over for an afternoon on a Saturday…or a Sunday she would tell me…it depends on what her other friends are doing.” says a lot.
If I hadn’t seen my SO in a month, you can bet I’d make it a priority to make sure I’m free on the days that he was available. She may tell you in writing that she couldn’t live without you, but actions speak louder than words, Manny. From what you have said, it’s pretty apparent to me that you two are drifting apart. IMO, she’s giving you plenty of hints but is too (scared, ambivalent, lazy) to make the break.
Now, you could get your answer by not calling her or attempting to make plans with her and seeing if she ever expresses a desire to see you. However, that’s the circuitous path. If she’s an honest person, you could po achieve the same thing by taking the direct approach and asking her outright if she wants to continue the relationship.
featherlou, SHAKES, Q.N. Jones, Imbrium, Zette, PunditLisa thanks for reasing and replying.
featherlou I know you are right that being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t respect me or treat me decently but the irrational part of me says I’ve invested so much time in this relationship why bail out now, while the rational part says if things stay the same it will be even harder to get out as time goes on.
SHAKES you had me cracking up. Unfortunatly my best friend lives in Maryland and has the same feelings towards strip clubs as I do mainy why pay for what you can’t keep. I needed that laugh.
Q.N. Jones she has no problem saying No when she has plans to go scrapbooking unless it’s an offer to work then she cancels on the scrapbooking. And like I said she did say No when I asked her to go to Florida a few times.
The past weekend I was going to take her to see Jim Norton on a Friday night becuase I wasn’t DJ’ing that Friday. She said she was going to go then found out it was the same night as a goodbye party for one of her coworkers, she wanted to do both but there would not be enough time for me to pick her up and go to the club if she went to dinner with her coworkers. I suggested she meet me at the comedy club but she declined because she didn’t know how to get there even after I offered to give her directions. I ended up asking my friend Carrie to go and she agreed saying if Danielle changed her mind she would back out. When Danielle told me the dinner was earler than planned and she could go with me, I said ok I’ll tell Carrie that then she said no I don’t want to make you change your plans. I tolder her that I wanted her to go and not Carrie but she still said no,
Imbrium you make a good point but the part of me raised on Jewish Guilt ™ thinks how can I leave her when she has this surgery comming up. Granted it’s not major surgery but she is still scared.
Zette. nope not at all out of the realm of possibility that she changed her plans but I know now that she did go to the movies and go food shopping but her sick mother went out all day so she was alone after the movies.
PunditLisa Thank you. I know it’s healthy that we each have out own friends who we spend time with along with communal friends (mostly her friends who I became friends with)
I had planned on going the chicken route and waiting for her to call me. She did call me yesterday acting like nothing is wrong and that she called me earlier to see what I was doing and I never called her back. “Strangely” there was no messages or missed calls from her on my cell phone.
Well said. Life is too short to try and fix every relationship that isn’t going to work out. I broke up with my last girlfriend who was the same way with me. Said she loved me to death, but her career always came first. She worked herself to death and I always came second. After many months of talking to her about this problem, nothing was reseolved. Don’t waste your time being priority number 2. After a while you will just get used to it and never be happy and resent the hell out of her.
My advice, Talk to her about the problem, if nothing can be resolved, leave. Better to be single and happy.
