This couple have been seeing each other exclusively for the past four months, but it’s been fairly rocky transitioning from a life of dating fun to a more mundane everyday relationship. A week ago, a disagreement led to a couple of days break-up, though they soon got back together and things seemed more or less returned to normal.
Yesterday, one of her former dating interests contacted her. As far as this other guy knows, she is happily attached. He says he’s going to be in town in December for a week and asks if he can see her. She replies that if she is single in December, she would like to see him.
Needless to say, they have differing opinions on the meaning of this little exchange. She says it was just a harmless, non-committal answer to a friend. He says it’s at least a little hurtful to be making “if I’m single” plans while they are in a committed relationship, especially given the troubles they’ve had.
Thinking logically, yes, relationships do end. People do break up and date new people. But I guess the reason it feels so callus is that love isn’t a place where you use logic–it’s for emotions. So while it’s not inconceivable that someone would break up and thus be available, it feels oddly calculating. Would make me wonder how attached that person really feels.
I had a friend that got married. On the day after their wedding she said she had a date that she had made before getting married and wanted to go on it. The marriage lasted 3 months.
If it’s been rocky just making it to the four-month mark, this relationship seems to me to be too much work. Consider whether you both might be better off looking for someone more readily compatible.
She’s not the guy in question’s girlfriend. Oh, maybe she still is on paper, but if she’s already making plans to move on that’s no kind of girlfriend anymore.
I voted hurtful, but perhaps I should have said other, because “hurtful” isn’t nearly strong enough. If I was the “boyfriend” I wouldn’t be after hearing this.
I voted for hurtful. The fact that the phrase “if I am single” was used suggests that she wants or plans to be single in December to see this other guy. If my partner said that, I’d be packing his bags for him, especially since the relationship is relatively new and sounds like it’s been pretty rocky from the start. Doesn’t bode well for the future.
The guy should consider himself lucky that she’s so honest, which leads me to believe she’s more calculating than vicious. This situation would irritate me because it’s so obvious she sees the possibility of being single by December as quite real (or wants him to think she does). She shows a shocking lack of commitment.
But that’s great knowledge to have. If someone is only lukewarm about you after 4 months, that opens your options up considerably. He should also start lining up dates for December. And August.
Of course she sees the possibility of being single as quite real- it’s a young relationship, hadn’t been particularly smooth, and they just broke up. I don’t see the point in pretending it’s all sunshine and flowers. Every young relationship does (and should) go through some strong questioning. That’s the process by which a couple chooses to move to more commitment (or not).
Probably not tactful, and definitely not something the other dude should see. But I don’t think she is an evil harpy. “I don’t know where this is going” is a perfectly appropriate place for a four-month relationship to be.
The tactful version would be “if I happen to have time”; if she’s got anything else to do at all, meeting that guy is her lowest priority.
Well, not the lowest. She might actually meet him for lunch rather than invent an emergency, if she really doesn’t have something else to be doing. But about that low.
I voted other because I think it’s beneficial. Now her boyfriend knows exactly what she thinks of their relationship and what she is willing to do to keep it going. The answer to both being ‘not much’. Now he has the truth and he can make a more informed decision on whether to continue the relationship or not.