In this thread,you dumped your purse all over us, then changed your story and got mad and had your thread closed when it wasn’t going the way you wanted. That’s crap, and you’ve been here long enough to know that. I’m a little surprised that Skip closed it as promptly as he did; the thread not going the way you want it to is not usually a good enough reason to pull the plug, in my experience.
If you don’t like what we have to say, don’t come to us and ask for advice. If you only want to hear opinions that agree with your own, maybe you should say that in your OP and save us the trouble of trying to have an honest dialogue with you. Actually, I’m not sure where you could go to have people only tell you what you want to hear. If you went to a counsellor and told them what you told us, they wouldn’t blow a lot of sunshine up your ass, either. If you just want to blow off steam without any feedback, maybe you should use a blog.
Here’s a little more advice you probably won’t like; if your relationship doesn’t stand up to scrutiny by dis-interested strangers (that YOU invited to scrutinized it), it’s your relationship’s fault, not the dis-interested strangers’. Maybe instead of getting mad at us, you can sit down with yourself and ask yourself why our responses are making you so mad - preferably before you pop the question. Sure, some of them went a little too far, but don’t do yourself the disservice of throwing the wheat out with the chaff and ignoring all of them.
As someone semi-famous said, the human mind will go to any lengths to prove the assertion “I am nice and I am in control.” Nowhere is this more in more evident than in relationships. So when people ask for “relationship advice”, what they really seek is validation that they have been doing the right things, they should continue doing those things, and it is not their fault if it doesn’t work out. If you are trying to give advice contrary to those statements, well, you should expect the person either to object heatedly, or to change the story in a way more likely to get you to respond with what they want to hear.
It seems that often when people know something isn’t right, they don’t seek help to change it, but confirmation that it’s wrong, so they can come back and say, “No, it’s all right after all.”
People is weird.
It’s not exactly ironic, that username, but it is a bit odd, considering.
Look, I dated that girl for a few years. My advice is to run; that type of thing only gets worse, and it gets worse in proportion to how serious the relationship is.
Yeah, without adding to a pile-on, my reaction to Epimetheus’s last post was “If you didn’t want our opinions then why the fuck did you ask??”
But in honesty, I know why: He hoped, as people do, that after asking, others would tell him what he wanted to hear or expected to hear. IME, that’s a faint hope IRL and a fool’s hope on the Dope.
ETA: I also get a little impatient with responses that amount to “But you guys don’t understand!” or “That’s not how it really is!” Shit fire, man, it’s your OP; we’re responding to what YOU said so if we’ve misunderstood it, that’s on you.
I completely disagree. Way back when, I posted a thread asking for relationship advice. It didn’t go at all the way I wanted it to. Instead of giving helpful feedback, people just accused my boyfriend of cheating on me - of course, he wasn’t. That was 7 years ago, and we’re still happily together.
I learned some things from that experience. First, the SDMB always assumes the worst. Second, posters are really bad at accurately describing their situation from all sides. Third, never post to the SDMB asking for relationship advice. I have never, ever ever seen it go well.
Epimetheus didn’t put his life in your hands. He asked for advice, and you guys weren’t giving advice he found helpful. Threads get closed at the request of the OP all the time in MPSIMS. Epimetheus - chalk this up as a lesson learned; if you can, don’t continue to read this threads, if you can’t, at least don’t post in it. The SDMB is great for many things, and this isn’t one of them.
It was a thread in MPSIMS and the question (which I found by searching the OP for ‘?’) was:
So am I the bad guy here? Being paranoid and confrontational? I want to trust wholeheartedly, but if she were cheating, she wouldn’t likely admit it… Right?
The closure request was:
It’s difficult to look at oneself honestly; delusions don’t grow overnight and they aren’t easily dispelled. This is especially true in relationships.
Had this started as a Pit thread it would be different, but in MPSISMS? Close it and be done,
I’m having trouble figuring out the answer he likely wanted to hear. The answers there were along the lines of don’t marry her until you work out the fact that you think she’s selfish in bed and selfish with her time, and all the flowers in the world can’t fix a lopsided relationship. A few people seemed to think there was a very good likelihood that she really was cheating, if not physically at least emotionally.
So did he want to hear that he just wasn’t trying enough? Send her flowers weekly rather than monthly and just get used to not receiving in bed? That she’s the only woman he’ll ever love and he should pop the question posthaste before he changes his mind so he doesn’t end up old, alone, and bitter?
It just seemed to me that people were confirming what he said he suspected. Apparently that wasn’t the answer he was looking for. I get irritated by people who ask questions and get angry when the answers aren’t what they want. If you don’t want honest opinions, don’t ask. (Yes, your butt does look fat in those pants)
He had bought an expensive engagement ring, and was still planning to propose to the woman that he had such serious doubts about that he felt the need to post an advice thread here. The answer he was looking for was go ahead, do it, you’re gut is wrong, she’s wonderful, and all’s right with the world. Maybe I should be feeling sorry for him instead of pitting him for a coward who won’t take his lumps when he’s asked for them. That’s some deep denial he’s in the middle of.
ETA: Of course, Scout. I had a feeling others would get it.
The original post was pretty hard on the girlfriend. I got the feeling he was looking for sympathy, and agreement that he’s a great guy and she doesn’t treat him well enough. The responders offered that… but then they went further, taking him to task for letting her get away with it, and urging him to make some hard choices about continuing the relationship. That’s when the backpedaling started.
This is the conundrum of being a doormat. (Which, despite Epimetheus’ offense at the term, is not an insult so much as an unflattering yet accurate description of the role insecure/inexperienced guys often play in relationships.) You know there’s an imbalance, you know she’s not treating you the way you’re treating her, but you can’t bring yourself to go so far as to actually assign her any responsibility. It’s always either external factors (job, school, health problems) or it’s actually your fault (you should be more understanding, less demanding, etc.) So venting is dangerous because people tend to ask the obvious questions that you can’t bring yourself to face.
And the thing is, I’m sure sometimes she is very nice and that they’ve had some very nice times together. The thing that Epimetheus needs to learn is that him loving her is simply not enough to compensate for an unhealthy relationship. Hopefully he’ll learn this before they get married. If he does, I guarantee that someday when he’s in a relationship with someone who truly values him he’ll shake his head at every word he’s written here.
I can attest to that! It’s a wonderful feeling, the “this is what I was missing before!” realization. Like the sun suddenly coming out, and you didn’t even realize it was dark until you could see the contrast.
Luckily I married the latter girl, not the former! Epimetheus, if you’re reading this thread, I genuinely hope it works out for you too.
