Last night, my (now ex-)boyfriend came over to my place to hang out. I told him I was feeling down, so I wouldn’t be good company, but he said it didn’t matter.
After we had sex, right at the very end, he said, “we need to talk” and he proceeded to air his concerns that we don’t have enough interests in common to keep the relationship going. I like SF and horror movies, he likes light romance, I like to work out, he doesn’t and so on. Long story short, he said he loves me, but he’s not sure if we can have a long-term relationship. He asked me this morning if I want to break up, so I said, “yes”. I’m just not good enough, so I’m going to give up foolish ideas of romance and just focus on being happy single. I got the gym, books, and advanced education goals, so I’ll be fine, I know. Well, maybe not that fine, but I’ll survive anyhow.
He asked you this morning? What was the point of taking up your whole night. I guess that from your tone it was an amical break-up. But you are right, you don’t need someone to make you happy, when you find someone that ‘adds’ to your happiness, then you will be in the right relationship.
You’ll be fine Gobear, even if you feel pretty crummy right now. You’re a decent guy who has a lot to offer. Not that I know anything about him but his actions last night doesn’t sound very nice. He came over to your place with the idea already in his head that things might not work out. I don’t think it is a good idea to have sex with the person you’re thinking of breaking up with and then springing it on them after the fact.
I don’t think ideas of romance are silly. But I do believe that someone should be happy single before they attempt to be happily in a relationship.
About two weeks after I bought a new car to drive the family around in, I saw this absolutely beautiful and fantastic 1986 Porsche Cabriolet.
It was perfect. Looked like it had never been in the rain, immaculately maintained, low miles, and fun as hell. The price was actually less than I’d paid for my new Chrysler, to boot!
I had just brought a new car, I’m a family man living on a farm, so I really can’t drive a Porsche.
It clearly wasn’t for me.
Nevertheless as I stood there looking at that Porsche I realized that one of the great ones was now available for the taking, and I felt jealous of the person who would come along and claim it.
Thanks for the cyberhugs, but I am in no way soliciting pity. I just need to vent. I won’t cry, and I won’t punch walls with my fist, so I need to do something.
No, I didn’t want to break up, but I am too proud to stay with someone who doesn’t really want me. I long ago resolved never to be some clingy, needy person who begs someone to love him. If he can’t love me and want to be with me, then I don’t need him.
I am working on the “center yourself” goal right now. It’s been one hell of a bumpy road, but I suspect I will be where I want to be soon.
The fact is, *gobear, MGibson is absolutely right. You are a smart guy with an awful lot to offer. If your bf is not satisfied with you because you have different taste in something so trivial as movies, well, perhaps he wouldn’t make such a great long-term partner anyway. I do not mean to be offensive, really I don’t.
You’ve got the right of it. Be self fulfilling. Do things that you love and make you happy. Be selfish and enjoy it. (This is where being single rocks.)
You will be fine. You’ll not only be fine but you will be a strong, gentle, terrific individual. Focus on your hobbies and on taking care of yourself. Its a rough transition, but its very worth it.
You are not alone and lonely, you are gobear the individual!
Gobear,
We don’t really know each other, even though we’ve argued in a few threads, but I read your posts with interest, and you need to stop beating yourself up. You’re a smart person with good things to say, so don’t put yourself down.
gobear, I can’t call myself a great bosom pal of yours or anything like that, since we’ve only met once in person. But you’re a funny and intelligent guy and my impression of you is that you certainly don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t want to be your significant other.
I have to add my voice to the chorus that things the way this guy broke up was not cool. That puts him on the Zappo Big List O’ Enemies right from the get-go.
You certainly have your head on the right way and I know that at this point things aren’t the greatest. But you have goals and things to work for to keep you occupied, and I can tell you from experience that you find the best relationships when you’re not expecting to find anything. You’re a good guy, so don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s him, not you. He doesn’t deserve the likes of you. It’s easy for me to say, but maybe this is the thing that will leave you available for the right person when he comes along.
I firmly believe that things that are meant to be will be. When the right person for you comes along, you will meet him, and things will click. And it’ll happen when you least expect it.
Don’t beat up on Matt, my now-ex, guys. It’s OK for him not to be with me. He didn’t do anything wrong; he just decided his future lay elsewhere, and that’s fair.
I’m grateful for the kind words. I know that one must be happy single before one can be happy in a relationship, but since I am freshly dumped, feeling rotten and rejected with intense feelings of worthlessness, you’ll pardon me, I trust, if I don’t sing “Zippee-Dee-Doo-Dah, Hurrah For the Single Life” just yet.
Gobear, I want to chastize you* for writing the above line. That’s crazy talk. You are good enough. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself.
I don’t have anything more to add to what everyone else has said; just wanted to chime in with some meagre words of support. Don’t let this event wreck your dreams of finding love. I’m confident that someday you’ll meet a man who will fall head over heels for you. You’re worth it. At the same time, don’t let your happiness be dependant upon having a boyfriend… I know, you know that already. I just wanted to say it again.
{{{gobear}}}
[sub]* Original version read “give you a firm, loving bitchslap”[/sub]
Am I the only one seeing a rather ugly person in gobear’s ex-boyfriend? The kind of person who gets one last fuck in before calling it quits?
Right when you’re supposed to snuggle and stuff. You know, the after sex bit that so many of us (er, you, since I’m a virgin) look forward to, or at least enjoy a lot:)
Yuck, if that (my reading of it) is correct. Slimey. Disgusting. Looks like he knew you two were going to break up, and your downness was just more assurance to him that you wouldn’t put up much of a fight, so to speak.
And from as “I like guys:)” perspective, Joe . . . You’re damn cute, and with that tongue of yours . . . yowzah:D I’d offer myself to you, but the idea of being with someone who’s three years younger than my father is just ||this side of scary.
It’d make a great horror flick, though:) Or possibly some other genre.
Upon preview: My disgust with him lies in the fact that if I am correct in my reading of him, he basically got sex and then got his status back to “single”. He got to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak, seeing as he didn’t entirely want to be with you, but he got sex before a break-up. So if my reading is correct, he did do something wrong in my book.
And here I was worrying that it was all of your wacko friends, what made him want to break up. Phew! (Or not, depending.)
No, it wasn’t like that. He’s brought this up before, but last night the discussion spiraled waaay past boundaries. I don’t think he intended to break up with me, it just ended that way.
I need to go to the gym and bust some serious steel to burn off my emotions, then go home, make a pot of green tea, and listen to “No One Is Alone” from Into The Woods. Stephen Sondheim has all the answers.
A) Yer a great guy Gobear, there’s nothin’ to feel worthless about. {{{Gobear}}}
< minor hijack >
B) Not to knock your ex, but, to me, he has a weird view on relationships, IMHO;
For me, that’s exactly backwards. It’s the differences that make the relationship interesting. If you like the person the interests are secondary. My best friend of 20-some years and I have a lot of interensts in common, but it’s the ones we don’t share that make the friendship lasting. When we went to England last year, I dragged him to Picadilly Circus to see the street performers and, despite himself, he had a great time. Ditto when he dragged me to a War Museum. I expected to be bored out of my mind, but they had a real ENIGMA machine, etc. The differences are what make the friendship/relationship grow.
On the other hand, I’m currently single, so what do I know?
You’re smart, you’re single, you’re hot, and you quote lyrics from Evita. You won’t be single long. Unless you want to be, which might be a good idea for a while. Sounds like you have a life of your own to pursue.
It sucks to break up (or be broken up with) but it sounds to me like you’ve you got your shit together, so I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just take care of yourself.
Unless you want to be, which might be a good idea for a while. Sounds like you have a life of your own to pursue.