Yeah, a little alone time is good for the soul and the mental disposition. But being alone 24/7 just sucks. It sucks even more cuz I don’t really have to be. I could pick up the phone and call an acquintance or two. Ask them for a drink or dinner. They’d probably accept. We’d possibly wind up in bed. Not a bad thing in and of itself except I know I’d hate myself in the morning. Fuck it. The only thing worse than feeling alone is feeling like a dirt bag.
I’m recently single and feel like I need to let enough time pass before moving on with another relationship. So how much time is enough? Is a month enough? Two? A year? Og dammit… I don’t want to be back out there on the dating circuit with the perfunctory interrogations and polite restraint and being on your best behaviour. I just want somebody I can get and somebody that gets me. But the prospect of getting out to find that is just exhausting. Fuck it.
If being alone bugs you so much, do something about it. As you say, there’s nothing stopping you except yourself.
If you honestly feel like you need more time, then do everyone a favor and take more time. It’s just as unfair (if not more) to someone else to get involved when you’re not ready as it is to yourself.
As for how long is enough… there’s no easy answer. It’s different for every person, every time. I think the best way to tell is when you don’t think about it anymore… which means you won’t notice because you won’t be thinking about it.
I hate that too. Feeling like you have to be somebody your not. The suspicion that you are a car on a parking lot, with somebody asking you “why are you best for me,” seems frightening. Why can’t dating be just being yourself. Ah, it can be, its called not getting more than one date. I wish it were easy too. It is even worse on matchmaking sites. There they don’t even have to go on a date to size you up. Well that and each woman probably gets 100 emails to a guys 1.
I’m tired too. A movie sounds good, or loafing on the internet.
You shouldn’t feel bad, or guilty, for wanting someone to love. It’s a biological imperative to be part of a couple. Frankly, when I hear someone say they don’t want a relationship with someone and they prefer to be single, that boggles my brain. It’s ingrained in us to couple up. Feel free to start dating any time you think it’s time, don’t go by what others might think.
However much time it takes is what’s right. There isn’t a limit.
I’ve been single for oh, about six months and twenty-nine days now. I tried dating over the summer, but that crashed and burned when I ran into creepy obsessive guy and was just disgusted with the whole process.
That made me happy to be single, actually. I’ve got time to do what I want to do. I’m working on building up my business, deer season is coming up, and I’ve been going ATVing with friends. Who has time to date?
I’m happier just worrying about myself and my kids than what someone else thinks. Or at least I’m telling myself that.
Nah, wanting to get laid is a biological imperative – wanting to be part of a couple isn’t.
How long before you start dating? I think you should spend a year alone after a major breakup, to get clear about who you are and what you’re looking for. There might be exceptions, but in my experience, anyone who hasn’t come to terms with that stuff – a process that takes a little time – isn’t really available for a relationship that’s got any kind of future.
I’ve been single. Didn’t enjoy it much. I’ve been married (for 25 years). Love it.
And, since I didn’t get married till I was over thirty, I’ve been in several serious relationships. By gum, in my opinion a serious relationship gone bad is one helluva lot worse than being single.
For this reason, I suggest being slow and cautious before jumping back into the dating world, unless you’re just going on casual dates. Getting into something heavy when you are not fully recovered from the end of an earlier relationship can result in a lot of emotional damage.
Getting clear about who I am isn’t the problem. I’ve always had a strong sense about that. Well, not at the end of my marriage but this isn’t about that and that was two years ago.
This last go around was a little over a year. It was a rebound thing but I didn’t intend it to be. It ended well. We’re still friends. But I feel guilty for being so lucky to find someone that helped me get through some rough patches without asking a lot in return. Though I did try. I tried very hard. Just wasn’t meant to be and we both came to that conclusion together.
The biological imperative may be to get laid but I disagree. Companionship is a stronger and much more lasting urge. Bouncing from bed to bed is not exactly rewarding in the long run. Besides, I don’t like most people all that much to get so friendly with very many of them.
What’s this bullshit about getting to know yourself all about anyway? Anybody ever discover something they didn’t already know? Here’s what I know… I can spend the next six months, year and entire lifetime on my own. So fucking what? To prove what? That I’m a survivor? That I’m independant? That I don’t need anybody? It’s a fucking lie. Everybody needs somebody. Being alone is not a right of passage. It’s not a virtue. It’s not a sign of courage or some badge of honour. It’s just fucking lonely. Yes, sometimes it’s necessary and you must be able to do it without going batshit insane. You must learn to like yourself a bit. But not as some arsing self realization exercise. It’s masochistic.
Dude, that’s exactly how I’ve felt for the past 6 years. Not that it’s stopped me from being on the dating circuit with the interrogations and restraint and everything (because no way could I take being alone for 6 fucking years), but I’ve never stopped feeling that way. When the most recent guy and I broke up earlier this year, I was less sad about him and more sad about the fact that I’d have to get back out there. Which is kind of sad.
I’m in the same situation, and I can only say to you, “Yeah, well, whatever. . .”
I have the benefit/unfortunate nature of never being home for months at a time. You think you have a problem dating? Puhleeze: “I’d love to see you next week, but I’ll be in Krygyzstan.”
Aaaand reading your last post, that’s probably not what you want to hear right now. You sound like you need a good vent. Go ahead - get it all out. Rage against life and injustice and unfairness and how you deserve better.
Yeah, well I just watched Layer Cake and it really tripped my mood. Fucking ending. How irritating. :mad:
So yeah, I’m tilting at windmills and everything will look better in the morning. Another day, more of the same. Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that I’ll be on the couch tomorrow night, watching “Constantine” and eathing ice cream with a soup spoon out of the container. A lot like tonight actually.
Props to you Mis. Six years and you’re still in the game. Good for you. I know why though. What’s the alternative, eh?
Kyrgystan sounds good right about now. Friendly people. Short but warm hearted.
Yeah, I’m sucked up and strapped in. Just needed to blow off some steam. Thanks Trip… I’ll quit being such a big Mary and take it like a man.
Im glad this thread came up. I too am recently single. It was a horrible breakup and Im getting better. I have a suggestion for all the women out there. Hopefully this will make things easier for everyone. I ask of all single women out there to give that guy that walks up to you and starts a conversation a chance. Chances are he had to work up some amount of courage just to approach you. His conversation starter may be odd or poorly delivered but hes probably nervous. The first few minutes are usually the hardest for him because hes afraid of rejection. Just give him a few minutes. If after you give him a chance he turns out to be a moron then by all means use the “I need to use the ladies room” and take off.
I usually dont have any problem approaching women but it happens on occasion. I just get frustrated when Im not given the chance when I know I have a lot to offer. So ladies, please, next time some guy comes up to chat just give him some of your time. What do you have to lose and who knows, you may be surprised.
I think the self-discovery thing applies to women (probably more often older women) because they tend to follow or adopt their partner’s life goals and leave their own behind.
Join in activities where the potential to make new friends overrides the opportunity to make new girlfriends. Don’t forget about your guy friends. They can be good connections for meeting women or for hanging out and occupying your mind until you feel ready to give yourself to a new relationship.
Most of all, try not to stress out about it. It will happen and you’ll know if it’s right.
Consider your brain boggled. I’m single and loving the hell out of it. I’m not even missing the sex. The sleeping alone was the only thing I hated, but that’s all gone now too. If I never have another relationship again (and hopefully I won’t), it’ll be too soon. They’re just not worth the effort.
I think it applies to men as well – who [sweeping generalization] often tend to let their SOs do the emotional and social “work” in relationships, neglecting any kind of interpersonal self-knowledge [/sweeping generalization].
It could be worse.
I wish it were easy too. It is even worse on matchmaking sites. There they don’t even have to go on a date to size you up. Well that and each woman probably gets 100 emails to a guys 1.
