Agreed. There is plenty of work to be done on both sides in the relationship equality department in our society.
I can tell you my story. I think of it as a story of hope, and I sincerely hope you will, too.
I was married for 16 years, the last several of which were pretty bad. We split up. After just a few months I became interested in my now-husband, and he in me. He had never been married and had nearly despaired of ever finding The One.
In the face of advice (be single for a year and “know yourself”) I fell head over heels in love. And he with me! Less than a year after we got together, we married.
On the face of it, it sounds nearly ludricous and doomed to failure. Yet we’re both people who know ourselves and recognize what we want and need when we see it. It’s mind-boggling to me how lucky we are and after my years of unhappiness, I can barely believe I am so happy!
I wish everyone could have this kind of happiness. I’m not sure it’s not all the sweeter because it was so unexpected. Perhaps fate holds the same future for you. I for one never expected it to happen to me!
You know, having a Y chromosome doesn’t autmatically make one a complete and utter bastard, oblivious and uncarring of his female partner.
Your experience may vary.
I’m not going after you here. I’m not going after the male gender here. I’m sharing my observations of 50 years of singlehood. I’m going to stop posting in this thread now because clearly you’re not in the mood to hear me on this.
I appologize if I’ve misunderstood you. Please go on. It’s good for me to hear discenting opinions. I may bristle but I’m listening. 
Yea gads, man! At least get yourself a better class of action/nihilism movie. The Wild Bunch. Heat. Ronin. “What did you say?” “I said, ‘She will not be coming back here.’” “She will not be coming back here, will she?” “No.” (Really, you have to listen to Frankenheimer’s commentary on the DVD. He spends an incredible amount of time talking about chroeographing car chases and how impressed he is with the “four wheel drift” that the stunt drivers display. JF was a man’s man, I tell ya.)
Or maybe The Big Lebowski. “What do you do for recreation?” “Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.”
And you’re never going to score those six-pack abs with the ice cream. Drink Irish whiskey instead. (I recommend Black Bush.)
As for advice in the field of dating, I have none to offer, being single for three and a half years and counting, other than that speed-dating, extension classes, and on-line dating sites all suck as a way of meeting potential dates. I’m not sure what works. Maybe taking a part time job as a tow-truck driver or plumber. Or maybe that’s just in Skinemax movies. Heh.
G’luck to you, anyway. And make use of your present singlehood to watch the entire oeurve of Sam Peckinpah, the films of John Frankenheimer, David Mamet’s films and screenplays (The Spanish Prisoner, House Of Games, Glengarry Glen Ross, Heist, State and Main, Ronin (again), Wag The Dog, Things Change, Spartan), Don Siegel’s better films, and the combined work of Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro (i.e. Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The King of Comedy, Goodfellas, and Casino). You might as well do a Bond movie marathon and watch all episodes of The Prisoner and 24 as well. You won’t be able to do that again when you’re coupled up; the best you’ll be able to do is Rear Window and maybe some action film staring Mel Gibson’s butt.
Stranger
Yeah, Ronin is one of my all time favourites. I used to have that Volvo turbo sport wagon. And yes, it’s damn hard to get that fucker into a four wheel drift with all four corners putting down power. 
I have a weakness for those neuveau mob films like Lock Stock, Snatch, etc… Layer Cake looked like one of them. It was actually pretty good. Til the end.
The six pack…meh! … it takes me a month to eat a pint of ice cream… it’s not the ice cream. But I just might take up drinking as a hobby.
Good – I really wasn’t trying to piss you off. All I was saying is that in many (most?) relationships, there tends to be some division of labor (practically, financially, emotionally, socially) – “not that this is a bad thing.” This can mean that certain elements of one’s self can be downplayed while in the relationship. I think it’s a good idea to reacquaint yourself with these elements, which you’re a lot more apt to do if you don’t immediately jump into another relationship. And that’s not just about being sensitive or whatever – but if your SO always did the cooking, it might not be a bad idea for you to learn to cook – and if she always did the home repairs, well, it’s time to meet Mr. Hammer and Mr. Power Drill.
YMMV, etc.
Jesus Twikster, I was a fucking catch if I do say so myself!
Not that I did everything, we shared things fairly equally… But I cooked, and cleaned (including toilets), shopped for groceries, changed the diapers, helped raise the kids, looked after the cars, painted and fixed around the house, loved going to the mall, got the kids ready for school while she trained mornings for her triathlons… Turns out, I gave her a little too much free time on that last one.
Plus, she was a stay at home mom and I held a full time job.
Sometimes, 50/50 is not enough.
Now I’m on my own and still able to do all those things without trouble or complaint. I’ve not missed a beat. And I still say there is no virtue in any of it. Not for me anyway.
Aha. I hadn’t realized you were a perfect human being. I retract all criticism, implicit or explicit.
Ive been following this post for awhile now. I also am recently single and as I do share some of "Quicksilver"s feelings Im not sure I understand the anger behind it. I find myself getting a bit angry about the whole thing as well but its nothing compared to the heartbreak I feel. Im just waiting for the feeling to go away but what keeps me positive is knowing that I was with the wrong person and now I have another chance to find the right one. Maybe Quicksilver can explain where hes coming from a little better.
:smack:
Okay, if we’re going to have a dialogue here, I’m going to ask you for a bit of latitude. I’m far from perfect. I’m simply trying to understand where the virtues of staying single lie. See, the claims many people make, including yourself, about why one needs to embrace singlehood for a time simply don’t make sense to me in my situation.
See… on the one hand, I’m not rushing out to date, on the other, I don’t really understand why I should restrain myself and why I’m feeling like that expectation exists. At the end of the day, the decision is ultimately mine but I’m exploring the available wisdom of others before I come to my own conclusion.
Nobody here can tell you whether you should stay single or not. Thats totally on you. There isnt any rule or formula for how long to stay single after a break up. Its simply a matter of when and if your ready to have a relationship again. This seems simple to me. I must be misunderstanding something.
I guess my anger may be displaced. Perhaps it is about what happened two years ago. Perhaps it’s just my own frustration with myself because I don’t understand what I’m supposed to learn from remaining single. How to look after myself and my home? To like myself? To get zen with the me?
Once again, maybe I’m just beging the answer, which is: I’m over analyzing and I should just shut the fuck up and get back out there.
What are you getting angry about? 
Nope. I think it’s me. :smack:
As far as I can see, there is no “virtue” to staying single, but many people do choose that over the alternative for many different reasons, some of which have already been enumerated. I’ve been single for years now and it wasn’t really a conscious decision on my part. Dating sucks, IMO, and it seems as though one so seldom (if ever) finds “the right person”. Not that the guys I dated were bad (except for one) but they just didn’t “fit”. I guess I just gave up. That being said, if one wants a relationship, one must put oneself out there, which usually means dating, interrogations, etc. It’s great that some people do find their mr/ms right but it doesn’t happen for everyone.
Let me make one final try.
The point of being alone is to work on any unfinished business you might have. I’ve given a couple of examples of things that might constitute unfinished business. Another example would be someone who’s still carrying a lot of anger about how the last relationship ended – it’s not fair to the new person to still be resolving the emotions from the last person.
YMMV.
And with that, I’m done. And this time I mean it. 
Yet another single gal here. Dated the love of my life for 6 years, (or wasted 6 precious years with an old bastard; depending on the day and my mood) and I am not sure I am ever going to be ready to completely give myself to another person.
I am not sure that I will be able to let myself fall again, or that I will ever find someone that I love as much as my ex.
I have been single since June and I am trying to make myself interested in others…But I dont want to waste their time or mine if I am not ready.
I am really quite bitter and almost giving up on the marriage/ love idea all together.
To elaborate on what Twickster was saying, if you have problems–and everyone has problems, no denying that–you have to sort them out first before entangling anyone else. You have to be able to exist, and hopefully be happy, with yourself alone before adding another person to your life. Non-singlehood can just bury the problems until they erupt in spectacularly bad ways.
For example, I know far too many girls with self-confidence problems. Instead of dealing with it, they go off and find a boyfriend who will love them, take care of them, etc. In doing so they tie their self-image to the boyfriend, so that anything he does has the potential to be profoundly hurtful, whether they were innocent or not.
So, singlehood gives you the opportunity to make sure your head is screwed on straight, and hopefully the next person you date will also be as sane.
I did, and I’ve never been this happy or harmonious before. No guarantees that it’ll do the same for you.