Did you accept you were going to be single forever? Were you right?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So far, I mean.

I’m 31. I’ve had two relationships; one lasted two years, the other about a year and a half. Not so much as a date since 2002.

Occasionally there are girls with whom I seem to share a connection, but I’m never motivated enough to pursue a relationship. It’s a combination of factors: fear of rejection, fickleness, mild self-loathing, and a propensity toward solitude. From my limited experience, I think of relationships as being suffocating, and I feel it’s unlikely that I could be there for a person as much as she would need.

It’s gotten easier to accept that I’ll be alone forever, but I do occasionally long for a real, human connection outside of work. I envy those who have someone by their side, supporting them, and I wonder who I’ll lean on when my shockingly easy life finally suffers the inevitable blows that everyone has to endure. I wonder why nearly everyone around me, even those with noxious personalities and similar hygiene, seems to have found his or her match, but a “normal,” even-keel guy like myself can never allow anyone to get close to him.

Even sex, which is supposed to be the prime motivator above all else, can’t cause me to toss aside my mental blocks. I just do what comes naturally to all guys, and then feel relieved that I don’t have to worry about prophylactics or morning-after pills.

Anyway, TMI and navel-gazing aside, who else here has been in my shoes? Were you able to change, or did you come to accept that you just weren’t cut out for close relationships?

I think what bothers me is that, although I think I can continue to carve out a decent life on my own, I’ll always wonder if I could have improved it by mustering up the will, wherever the hell it’s buried inside me, to pursue the sorts of connections that are second nature to to almost everybody else.

2

I actually used to think like that. I’d see a couple walking down the street and think to myself “My god, he/she found someone?? And I can’t? What the hell’s wrong with me that I’m worse than them??” It was pretty a self defeating way of thinking but it stuck with me a long time. I was too worried about defining myself through another person. And when I finally DID find someone who cared for me and loved me, I realized…that’s not what I wanted. It didn’t make me happy.
In my case it’s turned out, I just don’t like relationships. I don’t like physical affection, I don’t like sex and I just don’t like thinking about anyone but myself when it comes to how I’m living my life. This, of course, doesn’t apply to my daughter but for everyone else it does. So I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m happiest alone. Every now and then I get a little lonely and think about how nice it would be to have someone to be right there with me. But then I think a bit longer and realize how much trouble would come along with that too.
Just stop comparing yourself to others, figure out who you really are and learn to love yourself. Once you can accomplish that, you just might start seeing a difference in how others perceive you.

3

Well, as far as I can tell, I’ll be single indefinitely. I’m one of those people who doesn’t do body language well, so I never know whether I have a chance without someone being really obvious. Add my voice, which sounds like Kermit the Frog; add my age and looks; add my geeky interests: all of these cut down the chances of connection dramatically.

In spite of all these, it so happened that two women were interested in me in the past year (which has never happened before as far as I can tell–two in one year, I mean); one I was very interested in, but it was not to be; and the other I was not interested in. Since then… who knows?

4

I thought there was a good chance I’d be single forever.

At age 29 I had never been on a real date.

At age 31 I was still a virgin.

However, here I am many years later at age 46, happily married.

So you never know.

Ed

5

Yes and yes.

Never doubted it for a second.

6

So far, I haven’t accepted it. Haven’t the faintest idea if I’m right.

7

I’m not sure what is more strange. That in 25 years I’ve never had a serious relationship in my life, or that I’ve never had a serious relationship and I’m really not convinced I’m missing much.

I’ve gotten plenty of attention from the opposite sex, yet vanishingly little chance for anything substantial. I don’t see how this would possibly change in the near future.

8

I’m 42 and a virgin. Nary so much as a kiss, actually. It just hasn’t happened. I just about gave up a few years ago. I’m disappointed, but you cannot have everything in life. I’ve a wonderful nephew and niece who mean everything to me.

9

I was single for nearly twenty years after a pretty rotten marriage. There were guys who showed a bit of interest in me and guys with whom I wondered if a relationship would work out but I never had feelings strong enough to overcome my reticence. I didn’t exactly accept that I would be single forever but couldn’t see things changing. In 2005 I stumbled upon someone I really wanted, wanted enough to overcome fears of rejection and doubts that it could work. Reader I postively pursued him! We’ve been together now for three and a half years and I’ve never been so happy.

That’s not quite the whole story though. For a long time my life had been in a rut in many respects, I was miserable and didn’t know how to change things. A crisis in my personal life led to me losing a number of friends and after a period of withdrawal I began to make changes. I worked on my physical health, I saw a counsellor and I made a determined effort to try different things. I wasn’t actively looking for a partner, just to be happier and find a sense of purpose but I feel like I hit the jackpot.

Like suranyi said, you never know.

10

I like it now. If the situation were to change, I’d probably yearn for the single life again, so now I try not to think about it.

Occasionally I do wish somebody loved me. But them’s the breaks.

11

Age 50, only one serious relationship of about 5 years but never married. I do not expect to ever be married, and I’m no longer willing to exert myself to find a relationship. What effort I have put forth seem to have been totally wasted.

12

I haven’t decided if I’d like to be single toward the end of my life, but I’m 22 so I don’t think I have to yet! I’m happier and more fulfilled now than I’ve ever been, but that might be the happiness of my first real job, which I love, my own apartment in a great city, and other first-blush-of-adulthood things. Maybe my singleness is incidental to my happiness. I will say I have generally been happier when I’m single than when I’m in relationships, but not by very much.

In my dreams I grow up to be Christine Baranski, but on the other hand, my parents have a great marriage that looks like both a lot of help and a lot of fun. So, who knows.

13

Yes. I dated in the past. I gave up on thinking I might get married the last time I got ditched. Both of the women I proposed to in my 20’s turned me down, but I kept on trying. Over the years, there were a couple more women I thought might be willing to marry me, but I was mistaken on those occasions, too. Nowadays, I can’t even get a woman to go out with me, much less get romantically involved. That’s not surprising, given my appearance and all. I’ll be 54 soon, and haven’t been on a date in over ten years. I had already realized it was hopeless when I moved out here; I only see another human being a few times a month. C’est la vie.

14

I dated a lot, had a lot of long relationships and a few proposals but I thought I would never settle down or become legally committed to anyone by my own choice. Then I met my partner when I was 35 and it turned out that I was wrong. We aren’t married because we don’t care about that but we do own a house together and after over 15 years we’re as committed as any married couple. I think it’s a combination of meeting the right person and getting older that got me over my commitment phobia.

15

Is this a self esteem problem though? You come across as well educated and good company. I am slightly older than you and would never consider myself out of the dating game on an age basis (I’m a guy so no hidden motives :slight_smile: ). I am for other reasons- if it wasn’t for her I could happily be alone for the rest of my life. I am almost totally misanthropic.

16

I’m 47 and still haven’t accepted that I *necessarily *will be. If I find the right women, that will be great. If I’m alone, that too will be OK.

17

Thank you Suranyi, you give me hope :slight_smile:

I want to be with another person, maybe it will happen maybe it won’t. I won’t stop trying until I find someone.

26 years old, been on a few dates…nothing I’d really call a relationship.

18

I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anybody by the time I graduated from college.

When I went to grad school, I started dating the then-future Mr. Neville. We got married in 2003.

I can’t read or use body language, either.

19

Yes.

No.

20

I’m cool with it if I do end up being single. I have resigned myself to being “the cool auntie” and “crazy dog lady.”

But I don’t stop trying. I would like to find that special someone but if it’s not in the cards for me, it’s not in the cards.