Okay, I am so new here, but I want honest opinions, and thats what I know I will get.
Heres the situation:
I have been seeing this wonderful man for 3 weeks. Love is professed all around.
And he does make me happy, a nice guy who cares.
The problem is, we e mail a few times a day. Last night he claimed he wouldn’t be able to, but would mis it terribly.
So I kept inquiring, and today he says he had one of his patients spend the night. A female, who he had been having a purely sexual relationship with for about a year(he’s some sort of health aide, and she is a client).
She needed to go for chemo today, so she spent the night, and he dropped her off there.
He claims nothing physcial has gone on between them since we got together.
I can believe this. I’d have no way of proving otherwise anyway.
What bothers me, and I can’t let go of, is why he couldn’t e mail or call me last night.
He said “I wasn’t on the computer last night.”
That is a non answer.
Let me have your opinions, educated, psychic, or whatever.
My opinion would be that whatever the hell you’re in, you are not in a relationship with a, “wonderful man!”
Wonderful men that are health care providers do not have sex with their clients, and they sure as fuck don’t do it for a year on a, “casual basis.” To do that with someone facing chemotherapy is expolitative and inappropriate in the extreme.
Did he have sex with her last night? Not a god-damned clue.
Should you be dating him? Hell no!
I smell a player!
Hi, welcome to the Dope. If you’ve been lurking, then you know what asking for advice means.
You know the answer you’re looking for. Are you hoping to have it confirmed? Have you re-read your post, seeing it through Doper eyes?
Is there ever a pure sexual relationship?
He didn’t call or email you that night because he didn’t want his girlfriend to know about you as she spent the night.
He didn’t make you happy when he didn’t call you or email you or answer your questions directly. He did not display caring behavior by missing your email conversations.
I know this may be hard for you to hear, but I have to agree that this guy sounds like bad news.
It is very unethical for him to be having sex with a client in the first place. I seriously doubt that it was just a casual sex fling when it went on that long.
We all want to find someone to love, but proclaiming love for each other after just three weeks? That seems like it’s moving a bit fast. Be careful.
Although in theory it could just have meant that he knew he might be busy as knew he would have company, this rings alarm bells. Sadly, the more likely answer is he doesn’t want this patient/ girlfriend to know about you. Even being optimistic, and taking his claim that he has been sleeping with the cancer patient purely for the sex, it sounds like he knows that this might not be the case on her side. What kind of person would that make him?
Also, have you met many of his friends, been to his house and otherwise been treated in a manner that suggested he wasn’t trying to hide you?
This is nothing but bad news. Even the ‘love professed’ part, after 3 weeks. Run.
Yes, have been there many times and met people.
Whoa.
He had sexual relations with her for a year, she spent the night and supposedly nothing happened?
The fact that you’re asking for advice on this tells me that you already know this isn’t right. He doesn’t sound legit to me.
As other posters have suggested, this does sound dodgy (not least the canoodling with patient…) but in his defence he did tell you (albeit after a fashion) that she stayed over, and warned of the lack of email beforehand. One possible scenario may be that after finishing the misguided affair, he has remained friends with her, or perhaps she is rather needy. If she is a cancer patient the neediness may be easy to understand. And he will be especially obliged to, ahem, stay in touch, if he is worried about possible repercussions over his relationship. But unless he can be entirely straight with you and talk freely and believably about this relationship, then certainly get out of there.
Run away.
He’s a lying sack of shit who should be reported to the state licensing board.
This guy’s profile is screaming “BACKGROUND CHECK!!” I don’t believe he’s a healthcare professional and I don’t believe he’s boning one of his cancer patients. I think he’s married. And I think you need some professional assistance in developing some relationship radar. Yours is apparently malfunctioning. Best of luck to you.
Thank you!
I was hoping some one else was thinking that.
I don’t know if I’d tag him as a “player” in that he told her he would not be emailing her that night or that it was an ex-lover. If he was really a player he would have kept his mouth shut and made up some lame excuse.
If I had an ex-lover as a guest over I certainly wouldn’t plunk them on the couch while I go email my new 3 week old girlfriend 4-5 times during the evening. We would catch up and chat and maybe get something to eat. This isn’t to say that he is, or is not, doing her, but if she really is a chemo patient it would be fairly unlikely.
People have involved lives. Patients and care providers sometimes get involved. His “excuse” is not beyond the boundaries of reality and what makes it halfway believable to me is that he could have made up a much more convincing lie if he wanted to.
Um… wasn’t this on House?
I would get an awful lot of gone between you and him, real quick.
That’s the hardest thing, to try to understand things when you hardly know each other. If he’s a manipulator he knows all the right things to say to ease your mind. They’re the exact same things a nice person would say in a good relationship. As time goes on too many things become apparent and you know the words are empty.
Now you know something is up so, if you decide to go out with him still, you know to watch very carefully for signs. That is no way to live, you’ll turn into a paranoid, suspicious, nervous wreck. When you finally split up you will never be able to let the suspicion go with any new men in your life because everything will sound like a manipulation because he says all the right things.
Been there, done that, it ruined my peace of mind for many years afterward.
Three weeks? Have you even gotten to the point where you’ve both agreed to be monogamous?
For me, three weeks would still be the dating stage and there could be the possibility that I’d be seeing more than one person.
I agree that the patient/provider thing sounds weird but unless there is some actual proof, I’d prefer to give a person the benefit of the doubt.
And if I had company over tonight, I would not excuse myself to fire up the PC and compose lovie-dovie e-mails while my guest sits on the sofa twiddling his or her thumbs. The OP sounds a bit needy to me. A day or two can go by without an e-mail or phone call and it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s sleeping around.
She has said that she’s been over to his place many times and met his friends. Not likely that he’s married.
Still, it’s time to clarify exactly what acceptable sleeping arrangements are for ex-FWB’s. If he’s not willing to do that, it’s time to fire the explosive bolts on this one.
When we had decided to be sexual, I asked if he was being so with anyone else. Its important to know these things, especially for health reasons.
He’d said he was seeing someone on a somewhat regular basis, with no strings.
All I want is honesty. If he has stopped having sex with her, fine.
If not, I just wanted to know so I could decide if I wanted to be monogamous too.
Honesty is a big sticking point with me.
And I was fine with the not being able to e mail me, but he said he would explain at an appropriate time, it seemed odd. He didn’t even Have to explain.