Ok. I’ve been seeing this guy since early June. He has MS, lives in my building. He said he hadn’t had a girlfriend for about eight years. We got on great. Six weeks in, he said he loved me. In early August I became his paid home aide, his idea. Things started deteriorating a bit after that. Less sex, more verbal insults. He claims it’s his disease, but we had no problems before. I see him five hours a day, a lot of that is watching KillTony or Game of Thrones as there’s not five hours of help needed. Yesterday he tells me since he told me he loved me, I became a bitch immediately. I haven’t. I ask him for examples, he cannot think of any. I don’t want to continue in the relationship because if that were true, he shouldn’t have strung me along for four months or at least addressed it. I don’t want to have to see him every day but I do need the money. I want objective opinions. Thank you. Not sure it’s our ages, I’m 60 and look 45 and he is 35.
I can’t think of anything you said in the description to make me think there’s something to recommend about any of it.
If you’re worried that you’re the problem, I’d go with the rule that if everyone you meet is an asshole then you’re the asshole and if, contrariwise, nearly everyone seems great, then you’re a great person and the few exceptions are the assholes.
If you’ve had long, pleasant relationships in the past with no similar accusations then probably it’s not you.
In either case, whether he’s young and hot or not, there’s better things to do in life than hang out with angry jerks.
Forgot some stuff. HE fired an old home aide because he thought she was stealing money (his eyesight is bad) he thought a neighbor had a key and was coming in taking his coffee from his fridge. He now won’t let me use his bathroom as he thinks I’ve taken toilet paper. Before I came along, his dad was helping him, driving him to get meds, bringing pizzas so he could eat(he eats pretzel s, pop tarts and boost). But. His dad’s 70, been taking care of his bedridden wife for a long time and just had a heart procedure.
SageeRat, I’ve always been meek and nonassertive, in past relationships I’ve never argued back because it doesn’t solve anything.
Certainly, there must be other jobs around…
Bail. Not worth it, too many red flags and possibilities for genuine abuse and danger down the line. If you need a job, there are better ones out there.
I would punch-out of this as others have suggested. And if the media is at all accurate you should be able to find other income.
I think you shouldn’t be in a dual role. You can be the girlfriend OR the home aide but not both. The way it’s set up, you HAVE to go see him and that allows him to insult you etc.
My WAG is that he cares about you and that scares him. Maybe he’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that you’ll think you’re lucky to have him. Maybe he thinks you don’t really care, so he’ll test you, see if you leave, which will “confirm” his fears.
Agencies are screaming out for ‘home aides’ . you should be able to get a place.
He is correct when he says it is the MS making him nasty. There is a point where patients become delusional and paranoid through no fault of their own. Life for you would be grim as he progresses through the various stages.
He would be better with a male carer and you would be better caring for a sweet old lady.
This did start right after I got hired. Even if I do quit, the behavior and it going on so long have made me not want to be his girlfriend anymore. I never aspired to home aide. I’ve always preferred food service.
Paying a sex partner for work changes the power dynamics and not for the better. Next step will be him discovering he “can’t afford” to pay you any longer but you must continue to be his carer because he “loves” you. And him being way too fast on the love thing coupled with you being a self described meek and nonassertive person is another gigantic red flag. That’s a textbook setup for abuse.
“Want opinion on relationship”
Not sure this is true. You seem to want affirmation or permission or something. If you need a boot up the backside to get out of this situation, consider the several posts advising you to do so in this thread to be so intended.
This is not a personal relationship, as you have described it. Regardless of the cause, it is abuse. If you like being abused, if you need to feel needed, if you’re so afraid of hurting him that you will put up with anything, then by all means stick around. The decision is yours.
I am paid by the company that hired me, not him.
Which changes nothing about the opinions you’ve received.
This whole thing has red flags from top to bottom. I wouldn’t recommend that you move, but definitely end the relationship, both personal and professional.
I’m pretty sure I will take this advice. If I had known the future, I wouldn’t have taken the job. Would you list the red flags for me, going forward, so I know what to look out for next time?
Now I need other advice. In my thread in Factual Questions, cat losing hair, his cat has been scratching and overgrooming for three months. He said he can’t grab her to put her in a carrier(he’s not mobile, in wheelchair or walker) and finally told me to start picking her up. I can easily and would be able to put her in. His father can’t. Should I go over and do this once makes the appointment? She’ll at least be given meds to calm her and he certainly can’t do that. I’d like to tell him to give her up. I feel for her, she’s been suffering for a bit now.
Here’s a decent starter guide (PDF) and plenty of other sites will go into more detail. Have you also considered that you might be in violation of the rules of the company you work for? It’s generally considered to be a big no-no to have a sexual relationship with someone you’re paid to care for and this could cause you big trouble. It could be as simple as not being able to file for unemployment (fired for cause) and could get worse. Not a good risk, to my mind.
I know it’s so easy to say when one is not “right there” living the experience, but personally I see the relationship as completely doomed. As he ages it will only get worse. I say time to quit both, the relationship and the caregiving.
Easier said than done I’m sure but when you’re reaching out to a bunch of opinionated bloggers, I believe you already knew the answer anyway.
Good luck with everything.