So…a friend of mine is getting out of a relationship, and for their benefit (they’re rather young), I figured I’d make a list of some relationship red flags. These aren’t necessarily things that, on their own, would make me say “No way”, but too many or any one too strongly, and I’d run for the hills. I’d like your assistance in developing/refining the list.
I’ve tried to make them as gender-neutral as possible, because I don’t believe that men and women should be held to different standards in a relationship.
And yeah, most people have one or more of these traits. Including me, and including you. That’s why they’re red flags instead of red lights - signs of potential problem areas.
Can’t have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around themselves, what they like, their opinion, how wonderful/attractive they are, etc.
Or, conversely,
Doesn’t have any perspective of their own to contribute to a conversation.
Doesn’t have any friends of the same gender.
Doesn’t have any friends of the opposite gender.
5a) Doesn’t believe that anyone can have friends of the opposite gender, and therefore gets upset when you don’t drop all of yours. See #8.
Drops all their friends and outside interests as soon as you start going out.
Expects you to do #6 for them.
Is unreasonably jealous.
Isn’t as smart as you are.
Has very little sophistication, and is proud of it.
Is much smarter/more sophisticated than you are, and doesn’t let you forget it.
Can’t have a fight without threatening to break up with you.
Continues to flirt (or more) with other people.
Won’t introduce you to their friends.
Is in a relationship with someone else already.
Doesn’t have a steady, full-time job that will support them. (Except for full-time students.)
Has had notably fewer than normal relationships, given their age group.
Has had notably more than normal relationships, given their age group.
Every single relationship they’ve been in has ended Very Badly.
19a) ESPECIALLY if it’s always completely their ex’s fault.
Has to be constantly touching you, hanging on you, etc in public.
Refuses to touch you, hold hands, etc in public.
Gets upset and expects you to guess why.
Is violent or cruel to you or to anyone else.
You get the feeling you’re way more into them than they are into you.
You know that they’re way more into you than you are into them.
Has offspring, but isn’t involved in their lives (or only minimally.)
When you are mad with them for a legitimate reason, somehow makes it sound like it's *you* who are in the wrong. (gaslighting)
Claims never to lie.
Lies when they don't need to.
Is racist, homophobic, or predjudiced.
Has strongly differing philosophical/political views.
40)doesn’t seem to get your sense of humor
41)claims to be in love with you and makes a big commitment after two dates
42)shows up at your work or in unexpected places, in a creepy way
43)tries to get you to do things you don’t really want to do
44)talks to much about their ex
45)lets you know that the ex “deserved it”
46)tells you flat out that they have anger management problems or says things like, “I can be a real asshole”
47)talks bad about your mama
eta: Agree with Zebra. I have depression and take meds for it- does that mean I’m “crazy”, and where do you draw the line?
I think that’s why it’s a red flag, not a deal breaker–and people with mental health issues are harder to be in a relationship with, in the same way that it’s harder to be in a relationship with someone who has a physical disability. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t, but you should think about it, decide that you want it, and make the decision to develop the relationship with a whole heart–you shouldn’t discount it and think “it’s not their fault, so I can’t hold it against them”. Relationships aren’t about fair, they are about desire.
That said, I would have phrased it “their health–mental or physical–is an ongoing challenge.”
well there is using the ‘word’ diagnosedly and the linking-of-words-with-dashes for emphasis is also offensive. The fact that it is number one on the list probably indicates some sort of recent trouble but I’m pretty sure that “crazy” is not a diagnosis one would be given by a mental health care practitioner. But, no, I didn’t make the interpretation that it meant ‘was not taking their meds’ because that could have been in the sentence. It reads, to me, that anyone who is prescribed medication for a ‘mental disorder’ gets a red flag.
I’d still date someone with a mental disorder but I think it would be the same as not wanting to be involved with someone because they have a physical illness or disability – it does add another level of responsibility to being in a relationship.
EDIT: Manda JO got it in before I could, so I just echo what she posted.
Anyway I’d add
48) Too many plans. “We’re going to live in x city and have x number of children and get married in June of 20xx”.
49) Not enough plans. “Is this going to last for more than a couple weeks? I dunno. Whatever.”
50) Confused about his/her sexual orientation.
51) Different opinion on polyamory than you have.
52) Insists on having unprotected sex.
53) Very easily offended.
54) ANY level of violence. Hit me once, you’re out the door.
Is from a very different culture than you. Could be a culture from a foreign country, could be a distinct culture within your own country’s borders; either way, think long and hard, my friend.
Eeesh, I had a feeling that one would be an issue.
Basically, what Manda Jo said. It’s a red flag - and one that may be given more or less weight depending on things like what the problem is (Depression? Bipolar? Schizophrenic? Something else?), whether or not it’s controllable with medication/therapy, whether or not the person chooses to control it, and your personal level of comfort with the sort of chaos that being in the relationship brings to your life.
“Actually, diagnosedly” was to rule out someone who is just “I have, like, this dark side? It’s almost another person? So my friend says that I’m a totally splitzo personality!!!” Not that that’s not its own issue, but I digress.
“supposed-to-be-taking-meds-for-it” is, as Ferret Herder says, implying that the person is not taking their meds, as well as that the condition is serious enough that they should be.
and “crazy” was deliberately used instead of “mentally ill” because it implies that it’s less under control, and also that the person is less able to function in a social situation.
I’ve had depressive problems all my life, kids. And when I’m in the middle of the bleakness, I am not someone who anyone would recommend dating.
The list is just in the order I thought of them, but 9 out of the top 12 and a good handful of the rest are descriptive of the person my friend just got out of a relationship with. So yeah, they’re on my mind.
Funny, at the gym yesterday, they were playing “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. My first thought was, Who decided this was a workout song again?, but after that, since I forgot my mp3 player, I started listening to the lyrics. The guy is basically saying that yeah, he knows his woman hates it when he stays out late, but after all this time she ought to know he wouldn’t cheat on her and trust him even when he stays out late which he knows very well she hates, so let’s not fight, baby, just accept that there’s no way I’m going to change my behavior for you. I’m seeing red flags all over the place here. This is supposed to be a romantic song?!? :dubious:
Define flirting … Im in the SCA and flirting is an art form. It does not have to go anywhere, you know. Sometimes it is just being courtly and friendly.
Refuses to touch, hold hands in public. Sorry, I dont do PDA more than a greeting kiss at an airport, and by that I dont mean a full on clinch with tongue. I am not comfortable walking around holding hands either. Now I am on crutches, that is even less of an option, 2 people cant walk arm in arm when one is on crutches.
And I know someone who had a kid and the woman went to washington state and he never sees the kid at all, so it isnt his fault. We have on list also discussed breakups where one turns rabid fundie christian and totally severs connections. There are a number of reasons for people to totally lose their parental rights.