This was inspired by the “advice you wished you’d taken” (hey, might not have been the title but that’s what it’s ended up being) thread.
What things have happened to you that gave you a clear warning sign or made you think what you were doing was right/wrong but you ignored and later regretted it?
Mine is actually quite trivial in the overall scheme of things but ten years ago (when I was the tender age of 18 and didn’t know better) I was dating a guy who I was totally in love with (as much as I tried to deny it to myself). We were part of a group of friends who clubbed together (it’s how we met) and one night one of his friends came along. This friend was extremely good looking and married but had basically decided he now liked boys and was on the rampage for cock that night, and ended up copping off with one of my other friends. After the night was over and my boyf and I were in bed we were discussing this guy and how his behaviour was a bit skeevy when my boyf said “Yeah but he’s really hot and he was making moves on me - if he hadn’t been married he’d probably be here now instead of you”.
:dubious:
You heard me right. Listening to that bit of dialogue again with some greater experience, maturity and emotional intelligence ten years later I think what I should have done was realise this guy was, quite simply, a cunt, take the things I had at his place the next morning (“oh I’m just conscious that I’m cluttering your place up with all my stuff”), leave and not speak to him ever again. But I didn’t, and surprise surprise got my heart pretty much torn out and thrown back in my face a few weeks later when he slept with one of our mutual friends and then pretty much froze me out of our mutual group of friends.
Anyway, long time ago and it doesn’t even provoke an emotional response from me now, but it’s one that has always stuck in my mind of when I should have listened to what my gut was telling me at the time (RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!) and I didn’t.
When I was 17 and dating my first husband, I thought his jealousy and controlling behavior was a sure sign of real, true, deep, everlasting love.
I’m not sure the term “controlling behavior” was in wide use in 1962. I didn’t recognize it as such, that’s for sure.
Edit to add examples: He broke a window out of my car one night when I went to the lake without him. Another time he took the distributor cap off my car. And he beat up an old boyfriend because he played “our song” on a jukebox.
Two days after we got married and were on our honeymoon he saw that I had woken up, he came over to me and said, “Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”
I saw the red flags early on, but I chose to ignored them because he was good in bed. Hell, I’m being honest. Stupid, stupid reason. And our relationship wasn’t all bad, he was a sweet guy… just not for me. Plus the sex got dull and routine, and he got controlling.
Well, thanks I guess, although I wasn’t playing “woeier than thou” I assure you (and I’d rather have had my situation than yours - my sympathies for what must have been a very crappy time).
Oh, it’s probably worth pointing out that I’m a boy too - the issue in my OP was my boyf essentially saying I was disposable, not declaring his latent homoness
I was 18 and dating a 30 year old guy who drank a case of beer every day, raced motorcycles for a living, had a garage wall covered with pics of his (hella ugly) old girlfriends in various states of undress and liked cocaine a lot.
True love, baby. :eek:
Of course, I dated some version of “Him” from the first date of my life until I met my husband.
I didn’t end up marrying him, but I spent too long with someone who wanted to know where I was at all times. If I went to the grocery store, he’d page me to the service desk to be sure I was there. At 18, I actually thought that was sweet.
The whole “I’m married part.” I should have left things alone. It’s a long story, and it ended mostly well, but I could have prevented a lot of heartache and devastation.
Looking back, I can say that during our courtship my first wiife wasn’t just raising red flags, she was setting them on fire and throwing them at me. Posessiveness, lying, infidelity, manipulation, inability to commit to a relationship, they were all there.
I once worked with a girl about that age whose boyfriend was extremely controlling. Always all giggly about him, but nervous–whenever the topic of her boyfriend came up, she would reflexively glance over her shoulder to make sure he wasn’t standing behind her. Coworkers would warn her that this relationship was trouble, but she would dismiss them by tittering, “but I love him!” She confided that she would never have to worry about boyfriend beating her, because her daddy had had a talk with him: if she ever got that far out of line, daddy said he would beat her instead. Cue more mushy giggling.
I was a huge moron during my previous long-term relationships. In relationship 1, I iglnored it when my then boyfriend slammed me into a locker hard enough to give me a mild concussion when I made a light joke about him in a group of friends. When one of them took me aside later to tell me I should dump, him I was dumb enough to defend him. Four years later, after much, much worse, I only got the courage to dump him when I moved out of the state.
Relationship 2 was idiotic - I actually let some shithead quiz me on classical music to make me more “well-rounded.” Plus, he freaked out every time I ate something that had more than 5 grams of fat in it per meal. I think he was worried I’d get fat, but he said he was concerned I’d get cancer. The only thing I was upset about when he dumped me was that I hadn’t gotten to it first.
Relationship 1 could have been chalked up to being young and stupid and scared; there was no excuse for relationship 2. I knew better and was planning to get out of it anyway - I just got lazy.
Oh yeah. The stupidest part for me was that I stayed with him even AFTER I figured out that he was an asshole. Weirdly enough, it was partly because I’d defended him so much to my friends and I didn’t want them to be “right” about him. It’s a wonder I’ve survived so long in the world being so dense.
Loaning money ALWAYS turns into a big mess that ends up damaging relationships. I’ve lost at least 2 friends and have come pretty close to losing my relationship with my parents because of money. The last time my mother asked me for money, I told her no, and now we have an excellent relationship that isn’t tainted by the idea that someone is having something like that held over their head.
Don’t lend anyone money or they will hate you for it. Don’t ask anyone for money either, or you will hate them for it.
At 21 I told my live-in boyfriend that I’d been date raped when I was 15 (until then, the only other sexual partner I’d ever had). He got jealous that I’d ‘discovered’ sex younger than he did.
At 32, a different guy said (and I’m not kidding); “Oh great, I don’t *need *to lie to you.” I thought that meant he wouldn’t :smack: .
It wasn’t all bad, and I have four great kids who picked up none of his behavior, thank heaven.