Is a dating red flag the same thing as a deal-breaker?
Yes, a dating red flag is an automatic deal-breaker.
No, a dating red flag is just a warning.
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I haven’t posted in this thread about home schooling being a red flag for dating, but several posters raised an interesting question that I was also wondering about. Before this thread popped up I never really considered a dating red flag to be a deal-breaker. My friends and I consider red flags to be warnings that add up to deal-breakers that, at the very least, deserve some investigation.
For example, I consider it a red flag if a potential partner has only dated black guys. This is not necessarily a deal-breaker but I definitely have questions. Did you grow up in a predominantly black area? Does your family have a lot of black people in it? Is your friend group predominantly black? Was your school predominantly black?
Answering yes to any of these questions would make that red flag disappear for me. However, if you’ve only dated black guys for no reason other than “that’s just who I’m attracted to” then it is a red flag for me but not necessarily a deal-breaker.
I also consider it a red flag (and potential deal-breaker) if you’ve never dated black guys. Have you dated other races before? Did you grow up in an area that was fairly homogeneous? Are there any mixed marriages/relationships in your family? Is your friend group predominantly made up of one (non-black) culture group?
I’m almost 40 so these are both bigger deals to me now than when I was a 20-something, but either scenario would definitely raise my “proceed with caution” alert.
I’ve dated people that fall into both of these categories and most of these relationships were healthy and perfectly normal. The reason these are red flags for me is because I’ve had at least one relationship from each of these categories that ended very poorly after having very rocky starts.
As several people in that thread pointed out, being home-schooled isn’t really a big deal if they’re over 30. Life experience definitely wipes out most of the concerns but I feel like it’s perfectly legitimate to have some questions if a potential partner raises red flags.
I think that you are using the term “red flag” in a way that others may not be. You seem to be viewing more as a cautionary thing, rather than a sign that you should stop.
I think that what you’re describing is actually a “yellow flag” – in auto racing terms, something that should cause you to slow down, and proceed cautiously. In that same context, a “red flag” is used to signal an immediate danger, and drivers must stop immediately, because it’s unsafe to proceed any further.
This article talks about “red flags in relationships,” and their definition of the two terms makes this clear:
That makes complete sense to me. Even with my limited familiarity of racing I know that people don’t drive through a red flag.
I’m curious if this is a generational or regional thing. My friends and peers talk about dating red flags like they’re caution flags, so we can proceed but not full speed ahead. This doesn’t really make sense based on your link or the racing origins because a red flag should be a full stop.
Blatant abuse, violence, misogyny, homophobia, racism, etc are all automatic deal-breakers for us but I rarely hear my friends refer to those as “red flags”.
For me, violence is a red flag. When I was very young, I was in a relationship with a girl who was casual about violence. She threw things at me including a shoe from very close range (a few feet away) and a phone book which hit my neck (fortunately it was a glancing blow, that could have been serious). She also pushed me back over a couch one time, hurting my back bad enough that I had to call in sick to work for the first time. She would hit and scratch as a way to show she disagreed. Once she even clawed my hand and told me that I was cute when I was in pain.
That relationship went nowhere, as anyone with an ounce of sense might have predicted.
Since then, I didn’t tolerate violence. I had learned my lesson. And early in my relationship with my first wife, she got angry at me in a grocery store and shoved a shopping cart at me from behind. It hit the backs of my ankles and I went to the floor, and couldn’t stand for a while. She was not immediately apologetic, she was too furious to be. Once the pain got under control, I calmly and firmly told her that I don’t tolerate violence and that if anything like that ever happened again, we were done.
It never did happen again, we eventually got married, and stayed married for seven years.
That show of violence was a red flag, but it would have only been a deal-breaker if it happened again. Since it didn’t, it was fine. Sometimes a person does or says something that is intolerable, but if you let them know firmly, calmly, and immediately, if they want the relationship to work they will no longer do it.
I should also add, I don’t think I’ve ever heard “yellow flag” as a metaphor/idiom like I do “red flag.” I only know it in a literal racing context. I’ve never heard anyone talk about “yellow flags” in a relationship, for instance.
Before warning lights, didn’t some machines - like cars - use little pop-up tin red flags as indicators? Like mailbox flags, but on dashboards. Because if so, I think that’s where “red flag” comes from.
I have never in my life heard anyone use “yellow flag” in dating terms. I live in Indianapolis - we’re all very familiar with racing flags and their meanings. A dating red flag is a warning.
To me - but I have no idea if this is a general or idiosyncratic use - the difference between them is that a “red flag” is a sign or clue that something that is a deal-breaker is present. For example, if someone I’m dating talks about various exes in very negative and bitter tones (one was a “psycho”, the other a “nymfo” etc.) that’s a red flag that signals the deal-breaker " not good at relationships and tends to blame others".
More or less this, but I’d say a red flag is something I can live with, but is definitely a big deal.
So, very serious, but not quite the same thing as “deal-breaker”
I thought the whole point of “red flags” in relationships was that these were traits or signs that this was, or was going to eventually be, a toxic relationship; once the red flag is observed, you’re supposed to end the relationship before it goes further, since that way leads to ruin.
It’s going to vary for the person, but red flags could be subtle indicators that the person is overly possessive, or emotionally abusive, or a financial drain. Red flags, in my opinion, don’t apply to little irritants or peccadilloes.
You notice that your date slurps her soup: that’s not a red flag, but it might be a reason you don’t ask her out for a second date.
Your date keeps talking about how “stupid” and “crazy” everybody else is: that’s a red flag that they’re narcissistic and demeaning, and you really don’t need that in your life. Run away.
A red flag is something that might be a deal-breaker, and needs investigation to determine if it is or not. But it might also have an innocuous explanation.
Ive beenarried 20 years, so all my knowlege is from reading threads and talking to others, but I have always read “red flag” as “serious warning that a dealbreaker may be present”. Like, if a dude cancels the second date at the last minute because of an emergency. Now, maybe it really is an emergency and a total coincidence that this once in a blue moon even happened on date #2, or maybe he’s just always flakey. You don’t cut off contact, but you’re now sensitive to other sogns of flakiness. Too many red flags too early, you end the relationship even if none of them in isolation would really be a reason to bail.
A deal-breaker is something that is reason to end the relationship right away without any desire to see if a compromise could be worked out. He absolutely wants kids and you don’t? He is a massive tool to the waitress? He beings his mom to the first date? Those are deal breakers, not red flags.
When I first started dating my now husband, he threw up a pretty serious red flag: we were playing tetris or something, taking turns, and he lost pretty quickly and started another game without handing it over, despite me asking for my turn. It struck me as really competitive and self-centered, and it worried me. But he’s literally never done anything like that since, in 20+ years. He has flaws, but not those. So I’m glad I didn’t treat it like a dealbreaker.
These are (I suspect) both so incredibly common, at least among certain demographics, that it seems really weird to me to call them red flags. I think of “red flag” as something more universal, something that any potential partner would be wise to treat as a danger sign or a potential problem.
I like these definitions as they seem a lot more clear to me.
I picked these because they are fairly common but the reasons why someone has this dating history are pretty important. If you have only dated black guys after growing up in a predominantly black neighborhood/town and attending an HBCU then it’s no longer a red flag. If you have only dated black guys after growing up in a predominantly white town and attending a PWI (predominantly white institution), then I definitely have some questions.
I’ve had relationships with people who have fallen into both of these categories and they weren’t always problematic. When I was 19 we didn’t have a lot of dating history or experience to go from I was far more likely to run into one of these scenarios. You definitely have to have a few conversations if you’re the first person someone is dating outside of their race.
On the other side, things get uncomfortable very quickly if the person you’re dating fetishizes your culture.
I’ve been out of the dating pool for pushing a decade but I’d say a red flag is worse than a deal breaker. As in a deal breaker is the thing that, when you weigh up the pros and cons of a relationship, pushes the cons over the line. A red flag means a hard no, regardless of the pros.