When Someone Close To You Is In An Abusive Relationship

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I have a very close and loved relative that is in a mutually-abusive relationship. She has told me in great detail in the past about how they both drink too much and fight. She hits him, he pushes her. They headbutt each other. He puts her in headlocks and won’t let go. He calls her horribly vicious names and insults her. He tries to control her behavior, such as telling her when to go to bed or who she can call/hang out with. This is what I know of their relationship; these are things that she has told me herself.

A couple of months ago, she quasi-broke up with him. She moved out (they were living together but not married), but would still go to stay with him on the weekends, and they were ‘working on’ their relationship. She had started to talk to other men and seemed to be coming around to an understanding that they were not good for each other and that it would need to end, soon.

Then, he almost died after surgery. Now, she realizes how much she loves him, how perfect they are for each other, yadda yadda. They are fully back together and committed to each other completely.

Now she’s lashing out to those of her friends that didn’t run to her side or offer her a shoulder to cry on when he almost died. “You don’t love me! You don’t wish me happiness! Waah!” I am one of those that stayed silent during his drama. I’m trying to explain to her that wishing him well would be fake and I’ll never say anything to her that I don’t mean just to be polite. I’ve told her that after having been directly affected by domestic violence in one way or another for almost my whole life, I can’t support their relationship. And it’s not because I don’t love her, it’s because I love her too much to want this for her.

At this point, I am ready to break off our relationship. And if she insists that I either support her relationship with him or don’t speak to her, then I will choose not to speak to her. I feel good about that decision and it feels right to me.

Am I being selfish or otherwise wrong about this?

2

I don’t think you are being selfish at all, just honest. Some people have to have chaos in their lives and your friend sounds like one of them. If this were my situation, I wouldn’t completely cut out the person, but I would put a lot of space between us so were more casual acquaintances than close friends.

3

That’s just it. You DO love her and you DO wish her happiness. When she was worried about him being in the hospital you can support how she feels without supporting the relationship. There’s nothing fake about that, and it’s a pretty loving act.

But man, I’m getting tired of the domestic abuse threads here. I just don’t get it.

4

She’s doesn’t want help, and she doesn’t want sympathy; what she’s looking for is an audience. Don’t be that audience. She can do whatever she wants, and clearly is going to do exactly that, but you have no obligation to stand by and watch her do it.

5

I don’t know if it’s a new thing or what, but a lot of young people these days seem to think that the more they suffer, the more it shows they really care. She says, “look how much hell we’ve gone through together- we must really be in love!” and I say, “a mature man that loved you wouldn’t put you through hell in the first place.” There seems to be such a vast difference in the way that we see this.

6

Is that a new thing, and just among young people? Sounds like part of the human condition to me.

But I haven’t really been paying attention.

7

What did she say in response to your response?

It sounds like you are doing what a friend should do. You should be able to tell her when you think she’s wrong and vice-versa. That should honestly be an expectation. If your relationship can’t handle that then it’s not strong enough.

It sounds like you are doing your part but she’s not doing hers. However, her part is much more difficult. I would say to be as patient as you can, be open-minded, but stand firm. If they were hitting each other and other violent acts that you described there is probably no hope for them. It probably won’t take long either.

My advice: make it clear where you stand but there’s no need to bring it up repeatedly or even announce that your done with her. Unless, of course that’s what you want. It’s a matter of priority. How much do you value your friendship? How much are you willing to put up with? Good friends are hard to come by, but there’s got to be a line somewhere. You just need to figure that out.

8

We are actually related, so it’s more complicated than just friendship. Right now I’m one of the friends/family that stayed silent during his hospital drama, and she’s angry with me for that. But I don’t wish him well, and I don’t want him to feel better soon. I figured it would be better to stay silent than say what I felt, which would be mean, or to say something that I didn’t mean, which would be fake. What she wants is is her version of “support”, and I’m not willing to support her in this. She has also left her young child with her parents in order to live with this man, and I can just imagine how the child must feel right now, her having left, then came back when they separated for that time, and now she has left her again to go back to the guy. So it’s somewhat complicated and I’m not down with any of it.

I feel like most people she knows aren’t willing to tell her how dysfunctional all this is, and I am one of the very few that doesn’t want to enable her in it. In her eyes, this makes me a bad person. I sometimes think maybe it does, but yet, my stance mostly feels right to me. Although painful in it’s consequences.

9

Right but people go through stages. When I ask for advice here on the dope I usually have my own POV. I put it out there though because I know I’m missing something. Invariably, people will come along and say things that I disagree with, but are in fact true. I get pissed and fight back but eventually I come around and realize they are right. It’s better in the end.

Just do your part and hope she comes around. If she does, she will respect you more for it.

10

Alice,

I’ve been through this situation more than once. There is one time I cut all ties to my friend after having taken her out of the house twice when she would call me in tears. After the last when she went back to him, I walked away and presumed that she must’ve enjoyed in some way the abuse. She had all she needed outside his apartment I had even introduced to other guys, but she went back, so I wished her a happy life and moved on. Last I heard from her, she was still in an abusive relationship but with a different man!

The other, my cousin, both her and her husband alcoholics. She had asked me for advice, I had given my point of view and after a few drinks, she blew up at me calling me names, telling me I didn’t understand her relationship to him blah blah blah, I have not seen her since other than funerals.

And the last I stuck it out with her. He was a bit more insidious, separating her from everybody in her life. I swore he wouldn’t get me out, I would stick around for her. It took a long time of playing stupid, pretending but at one point when I felt the time was right, I told her exactly what I thought calmly, carefully and with compassion. We are still very close friends to this day. She had not spoken to him since their daughter was born (she’ll be 24 this month).

You have to judge the situation, your feelings for this person. But cutting all ties is not unreasonable, FWIW.

11

Sounds to me like she just wants the drama. Good drama, bad drama, drama with her man, drama with you, doesn’t matter as long as it’s drama. It’s what she is probably used to now and she probably thinks that sort of drama is how a relationship is supposed to work. There is no need for you to be sucked into the drama.

12

A good (and honest) way to address your silence towards her is that you just don’t know how you could have been supportive towards her and her relationship (that she claims is a loving relationship) at the same time because of the mixed messages sent by cycles of abuse/love that you could not even begin to understand, and that a professional could do far better than any support or advice you could have given her over the years.

And then you can be supportive by telling her that there’s a lot of trauma that she and her SO has gone through these last few years and that a marriage/couples counselor should be the most viable way to help root out the causes of their mutual abuse towards each other, address the issues at hand, and learn better behaviors towards each other so the ugly cycle doesn’t start up again.

Remind her how much she currently “loves” him, and a loving person would seek out the best way to build upon this love, and this is one of the best ways that you know of. Put the onus back on her to address her issues instead of being guilted into a pity party that only relieves the symptoms for a very short time, but not the disease.

13

I have been discussing it with her over the past couple of hours. She seems to be glossing over everything, now claiming that he doesn’t abuse her at all, maybe just some pushing here and there, and that the rest of her family and her friends love him and it’s just me that doesn’t understand him. Also that until I change and want her to be happy, she doesn’t want to talk to me. She seems to be big on people changing- but that’s not likely. I’m happy with putting our relationship on hold for now. I know enough about dysfunction to know that this honeymoon phase won’t last and they’ll break up again soon enough, and hopefully we will be able to resume our relationship once that happens. In the meantime, I’m relieved that I won’t be part of the drama.

14

Yep. Stand firm. You are in the right. She’ll see it eventually.

15

Be thankful for small mercies. She needs professional help. I like what** Yeticus Rex** says.

16

A. I hope you’re being selfish. Being selfish is good. Believing jerks who say it isn’t are being selfish, and reaching for your wallet/purse.

B. I think you have a good grasp on reality,usually, Alice the Goon, but, I’m curious: You say you are against the relationship. I would think that you would be against his behaviour, rather than the relationship. Is breaking up with him the answer, or wouldn’t counselling be better? If I read your OP correctly, you didn’t even suggest it, at least in this immediate instance. (I’m unsure on proper behavior in these mutual madness things, so, I can’t discount a breakup…I’m just curious…)

C. And, I do appreciate that you told her straight. It sounds like she’s a bit of a nutcase, and it seems she’s trying to hold your friendship hostage to gloss over some strangeness in her own mind.

17

Regarding B, I suggested counseling when she first confided to me the nature of their relationship. It was brushed off. They never have any money, probably because they drink too much and she doesn’t get enough hours at work. Many people have tons of excuses why they can’t go to counseling and she is one of them. Frankly, I’m not even sure that a 30-something man that needs to control and fight with a much younger woman would even benefit from short-term counseling.

I feel a lot better having read these other opinions and feeling that I’m doing the right thing. I see other people in her life going along with everything that she is doing- drinking too much, fighting with this guy all the time, leaving her toddler to go live with him, calling people to chat drunkenly in the middle of the night, not going after her child’s father for child support so that she can live with her, etc.- like it’s perfectly okay, and I’m like, are we in Bizarro World that somebody can’t say to her “hey, maybe your life choices aren’t the greatest”. I guess maybe others have just learned to not say anything to her and I had to learn, too.

18

It’s not new. My mother had that sort of relationship with my father starting 60 years ago. My mother would get beaten up, she’d take us to her sister’s house for a couple of days and then go right back to my father. Time after time after time.

Just smiling and hoping things are going to go better this time isn’t helping anyone.

I think there are a number of hotlines for domestic violence. Maybe you could call them and ask for some advice. She may not be open to anything, but it could help.

19

He (They) can definitely benefit from counseling IF they choose to. As for the cost, they can negotiate for a reduced fee if they can show proof of financial need (this probably varies from state to state), OR they can see an intern therapist that is working towards his/her hours at no charge to the client(s).

And the counseling should not be short term for the issues they face. They have two of the “Big Three A’s” issues that are relationship killers…Addiction and Abuse (Affairs is the third, not an issue in this situation). These issues are not going to be addressed and resolved in a short-term window. This is something that will probably take at least a year (and probably include participation in AA).

But hey, that’s not YOUR problem…it’s theirs. They have to want to change in order to have an improved relationship…and fuck them if they (or just her) want(s) you to sit by and enable them like the rest of the family and remain signed on for years of ongoing drama. I applaud your stance, Alice.

20

Dealing with someone in an abusive relationship is all kinds of no fun. I know, because my sister in law is in one with her husband, has been for years.

The problem here is that, with the best will in the world, nothing - but nothing - an outsider to the relationship can do is “right”. My wife and I have tried various strategies none of which have worked.

Counsel her to leave him, and offer all sorts of help to leave? But of course - that’s the very first thing that comes to mind … only, when she then gets back together with him, you are now the bad guys - driving a wedge between her and poor, misunderstood him. Rinse and repeat about 20 times.

So, how about trying to help her live with him? Sorry, wrong again - you are the enabler of his bad behaviour when she is fighting with him and kicks him out.

Best plan, I’ve found, would be indifference - but no can do, because they have two lovely young children, best friends and cousins with our own kid, who are affected by his abusive relationship with his wife (really it is heartbreaking seeing the impact on these kids); and because of his drinking, drugging and fighting, the Children’s Aid Society is all over them, meaning that we could end up with taking care of them - her parents are too old and her other relations are too poor to do so.

No matter what we do, nothing helps. It sucks. We’ve done the police thing (he’s been arrested several times), the counselling thing, women’s sheters, social workers. Personally, I’d rather have nothing whatsoever to do with either of them if she won’t leave him for good (I consider him potentially dangerous) but she’s my wife’s sister and my wife cares for her; plus, of course, the kids. So we are stuck. It’s very frustrating and I’ve gone from being terrified by the sister’s tearful midnight calls with banging, screaming and cops in the background, to simply being bored and annoyed by them. I know I ought to feel more badly for her and more sympathetic. I know about battered woman syndrome and that very often they find it difficult or impossible to leave. But after a decade of this my sympathy’s all used up.