Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A few weeks ago two of my friends, who are dating each other, got into a very big fight. The source of the anger seemed to be general frustration with a stalled relationship. It ended with the guy choking her in the parking lot of a nightclub. He only let go after a grabbed him, dragged him to the ground (with his arms still around her neck) and separated them.

I always thought that this was a black and white situation. When your significant other physically attacks you, you leave. End of story. Here this is hardly the case. Initially, I was surprised when she refused to call a Domestic Violence Counselor. Although, that is what she does for a living so she may have legitimate reasons for that decision. She also has decided to continue both the relationship and living with him. I am very uneasy about this but I do not know what to do.

On the one hand, this has never happened before. I have never seen him act this way towards her or anyone. Maybe this was a one-time alcohol induced incident. Still, I have been unable to talk to him since this happened and I do not think I ever will again. I had to work way too hard to get him off of her. IMO he was not trying to restrain her.

Should I be more forgiving and simply attribute his behavior to a lack of control in a heated situation? What are the reasons that people who stay in relationships after being physically abused, give to justify their actions?

2

To the mods, maybe this belongs in IMHO.

3

There are many reasons. In the situation you just wrote of, she probably feels it was a moment that got out of hand and it won’t happen again. I can understand her feelings of this not being considered abuse but more an isolated incident. She is probably in love and wanting to save the relationship.

If you question is, why if it continues does she stay, that is entirely different. Women (and men I have heard) stay for various reasons. For love and hope that he/she will change this time, obligation, financial reasons, fear for personal safety, fear of losing the children to name a few.

Sometimes it is simply about keeping the status quo and not rocking the boat.

Nothing is ever as cut and dry as it seems from the outside looking in.

4

I agree with Foxy40. I used to help battered women get civil protection orders from their abusive boyfriends/husbands, and most of them had very low self-esteem and blamed themselves, to some degree, for the abuser’s crimes. Many were also extremely afraid of the abuser, and thought if they actually left him, they were at real risk of being murdered. Too many would thus stick around for far too long.

5

This, or something like it, may be exactly what she is telling herself. It is a variant of the kinds of rationalizations people may tell themselves when they have feelings for the other person, or a life that is wrapped up in them (living together, nowhere else to go).

In extreme, long-term situations, the abuser has techniques for beating down any self-esteem or self-reliance the person has, and/or terrorizing them so they are afraid to leave. The status quo is what you are used to and you keep trying to not trigger the attack, as if it’s in your control.

6

In his book, “Getting The Love You Want,” Harville Hendricks proposes that people “get married” because they’re looking for love, nurturing and support they didn’t get as children. I suppose we can substitute any committed couple for a married couple – live-ins, boy/girlfriends, homosexual partners – any two people who are living and loving together.

The thing is, according to Hendricks, we’re almost always disappointed in the quality of the nurturing we get from our partners. Most rational people either learn to cope with the situation or seek marital counseling and learn how to be better partners. But for some, the disappointment manifests itself as an abusive relationship. The abuser is convinced the victim just doesn’t care, and the victim is convinced he/she isn’t yet worthy of the love he/she needs, and needs to try harder.

In extreme cases (and this is from having researched and written a couple dozen newspaper articles on the subject) the victim really is more afraid of the unknown world outside the abuser’s home than of the abuser. When told she (usually, a woman) needs to leave for her own safety, she honestly doesn’t have any idea how she will survive. Children complicate the matters even more, and the dynamic of the abuser-victim relationship is even further complicated by the fact that one or both were probably abused as children.

blace81 may be right – I’m not sure what points one would debate on this one, unless it has to do with what’s to be done to/for/about the abusers – treatment or punishment?

7

I’ve seen a lot of this kind of thing in my personal experience within certain professions. It’s like the cop who is crooked, or the fireman who starts fires, or the psychiatrist that is mentally ill. I’ve seen a lot of it, but I just don’t understand it. They are experts or professionals in their job but there is some kind of disconnect when it comes to personal application.

I hesitate to call it hypocritical behavior, but it seems like they never take their own advice. I would think if I chose to preach for my profession, I’d practice what I preach, you know, talk the talk and walk the walk. But in my experience, the opposite is usually true and these people end up being ironically dysfunctional. Is there a word for this kind of thing?

Nobody’s perfect, but I wouldn’t feel quite right giving professional advice without some standard of integrity.

8

In most jurisdictions, it’s not a matter of the abused person having to press charges. Anyone can call the police and it is considered a crime against the state (or however you’d phrase that). It wouldn’t be up to her to bring up or drop charges.

9

My sister in law does that. Mom said it best: “it’s like her brain has different parts, and the patient part and the doctor part don’t talk to each other.” Apparently the “mother of a tiny patient” part and the doctor part do - we take that as a sign she’s growing up.
As for the OP, Foxy40 explained it perfectly. My own reason to stay in a relationship I should have broken a lot sooner (not abusive, but not right either) was that I felt responsible for the relationship, as if somehow I was the one who had to make it work. It hasn’t happened again to me, but some of us are just better at learning than some others :frowning:

10

An excellent account of this is given in Stephen King’s “Rose Madder.” King really knows about the dynamics of abusive relationships. He brings up how Norma the cop blames his wife Rose for every abusive attack, how isolated he keeps her, and how scare she is of the outside world

11

I always thought it was up to the victim to press charges. That is good to know, but I guess it would be difficult to complete the process without cooperation from the abused. I had a feeling that she would stay with him, so I did not really say much about him when she was at my house the next day. It sucks because I was pretty good friends with the guy until this happened. The bigger problem is that she is my best friend. Directly or indirectly, I still have to deal with their unstable relationship.

Maybe I should have hit him…

12

I was someone who stayed in an abusive relationship for too long. I can only tell you my thoughts at the time, and I cannot speak for anyone else.

It started very slow. It started off as him disagreeing with me sometimes, and acting hurt if I “couldn’t see his point of view”. I was young at the time, and had never been in a “real” relationship before, so there was a part of me that thought that this was just some of the give and take people spoke of in relationships. I would let it go, he would get his way, and it was no big deal.
Whenever we did get into an argument about something important, such as money, it would end with him in tears, twisting things around so that it seemed as though the entire argument was my fault. Somehow, I was an unreasonable monster who kept picking on him for his every imperfection. This wasn’t true, but being the flexible kind of person that I am, I would try to put myself in his shoes, and feel bad that I somehow made him feel this way. I never meant to make him feel inadequate, or not manly, or whatever. I didn’t understand anything, just that somehow, I had hurt my “love”. I didn’t want to do that.
The more he realised he could get away with, the more he controlled. It was a very slow process, mind you, this didn’t happen in two weeks. This was several years of manipulation, making me believe in the subtlest of ways that I was wrong, stupid, and unworthy of another’s love.
When he started getting physical, he first started doing it while “drunk”. He pretended to be drunk. And he did it in front of other people, so there would be witnesses that he was “only drunk”, and he’d have some kind of backup. The first few times it was light, almost playful. He would drink one beer, and grab my arm roughly, and pretend to be sorry. People would laugh. He’s just drunk, right? And I would laugh it off, too. After all, it didn’t really hurt that bad. When he got rougher, later, while not drunk, I would protest, and he would scowl at me, call me a crybaby, and tell me he’d always grabbed me like that in the past, and harder, and I never cried. What was it, wrong to touch his girlfriend now? Or, it was an accident, are you going to make me into some kind of terrible monster now? And he’d bring on the brimming tears. Sometimes if I stood my ground, he’d start sobbing, begging for my forgiveness, and say things like, “I’m so sorry, you never deserved that, you are so innocent, sometimes I think you are against me, but you’re so sweet and kind and innocent.” Sounds like garbage now, huh? It was garbage then, but thinking I was in “love”, and that people had to work to make relationships last a lifetime, and all that rubbish, I would give in to that crap.
By the time I started to see what kind of relationship I was in, and realised that I had to get out, he had me firmly under his thumb. I was afraid to leave. He knew something was up, too, he sensed he was losing his control over me. If I didn’t return a hug or a smile fast enough, he would begin to yell at me, screaming that I didn’t love him anymore, that he would go crazy without me. He drove me out to a deserted road one evening, locked me into the car, and refused to take me home until I swore up and down that I loved him and only him, and if I didn’t say so he was going to drive us both into the nearest tree and kill us. I believed him. During the final weeks, he would actually laugh at me, telling me he knew that he had scared me into staying with him. Seriously, those were his exact words. He knew what he was doing. He thought it was great. I slowly packed as many of my things as I could, and told him I wanted to go home to visit my mother for the weekend. Thinking he had me pretty firmly under his control, he let me go. When I got out of his car that day, I never, ever saw him again. I called him the next day and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore. Out came the tears, the manipulation, the idea that everything that went wrong was my fault, the name calling, the careful reasoning that I was leaving him because I was a slut, but he would forgive me if I came back, and we’d work through my stupidity and sluttiness together. My parents stayed by my side, and though they allowed me to talk to him over the phone, they would never allow me to give in and go see him. And you know how badly I was in it? I kept apologising to him, as if I were in the wrong. Being so far outside the situation, I see how messed up that is. But I really believed I had fucked him over somehow. It took a long time and a lot of loving family and friends to help me release the “guilt” I carried for leaving that asshole. And now, as I read over my post, even I don’t fully understand exactly what happened, or how I allowed it to happen. Young? Foolish? Thinking I was in love? Stupidity? All of the above? None of the above? I just don’t know. I do know it is a lesson learned, and I don’t allow anyone, friends or lovers, to treat me the way he did. If I see someone even beginning to act that way around me, I drop them from my life. So I guess that’s one good thing that came of it. I’m also a little more sympathetic towards those who believe they are stuck in a bad relationship like mine, and I try to help them see, and get the hell out.

I don’t know if that helps anything, but there it is, warts and all.

13

Bingo! John Gray says it all early in his book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”: Women don’t think they’re WORTHY (my emphasis) of being loved. Tell a woman something went wrong because she screwed it up, and an inordinate number of women will believe it.

It’s how we raise our daughters. We’re not bad parents, but we gotta’ do a better job of raising our little girls into women who know they are good people. And a better job of raising our sons to understand that a woman’s love is a gift to be cherished, not a commodity we’re owed.

14

Well I may get some grief for this, but some women seem to pathologically enjoy it. I guess It is kind of like the whole not wothy thing. I have a friend that lives a string of them one after another. In a really drunk admission she told me she kind of liked it. I don’t know if I understand or am even the same way, but I have picked fights with my husband that have caused him to react physically. He has never hit me but he has sat me on the ground a time or two. He told me once that he won’t be in a relationship that comes to abuse and that I need to think about what I am doing. He was right, I didn’t see it before.

I am NOT saying all women want or deserve abuse, not even close.

For example the movie Secratary but in some cases more violent.

15

oops I meant Secretary

16

I really like that phrase, and I’m gonna steal it.

It SOOOO describes my very bestust friend, a trained psychologist, who allowed this abuse…from his daughter.

I never could quite get my brain around his behavior, until your post. And that’s it, that is it exactly.

17

This isn’t a coincidence - it’s part of the cycle of domestic violence that almost always begins as a child. Either the child witnesses the abuse suffered by one parent (and this doesn’t have to mean direct eye-witnessing, children are pretty intuitive when something is wrong) or the child suffers from the abusive parent(s), family member, or peer as well.

If a girl suffers any kind of abuse as a child, there is a strong possibility that she will seek to re-create this abuse in her relationships as an adult and find an abuser much like the one who abused her. Boys who suffer abuse have a strong tendency to become the abusers. Domestic violence is like a virus in that it replicates itself from generation to generation. Years of therapy and strong, healthy relationships (including a strong social support network) have a decent chance at breaking the cycle.

18

That’s exactly it, Gladstone. Because it is the norm in their home of origin, it’s the way people are supposed to interact. I’ve known girls who were proud of their bruises because “that’s how much he loves me!”

Which is utter hogwash, of course. The reasons why people stay in abusive relationships are myriad, as discussed above. The reasons I see the most are that they either 1). don’t know where to turn for help or 2.) are so much afraid of the unknown that they cling to the abuser. Much like the drug addict or alcoholic is so afraid of how to live a sober life that they don’t even attempt it.

Just let me weigh in on one matter … there is a great risk in leaving an abuser. When I finally left my abusive first husband, I lived in great fear of his attacking me. Had I not moved 160 miles away, he probably would have. I remember his words “If I can’t have you, no one else will”. :shudder:

19

I’m no expert here, but I do also have some experience in this area. First of all, there actually are situations where, due to alcohol or other outside influences, a person just lets their anger get out of hand…and due to an extreme situation, just blows up! Never happened before, probably never will again. The guy would never hit a woman, and is actually shocked himself at what has happened. But she just pushed so far, and he was drunk, etc. Contrary to popular belief, this does occur. Sometimes, folks just lose their cool, and react without thinking.

Abuse in a relationship is something far different. A chronic abuser is all about power. Somehow, he feels he has lost power over his life, and must therefor take control - not only of each and every detail of his own life, but each and every detail of his significant others life as well.

A true abuser is good at what he does. The relationship more than likely begins with the female running straight into his arms, complaining about the last abuser…“there there,” he says" what a jerk. A man should never lay hands on a woman - ever! If he ever does it again, I’ll take care of him for you!" So, she looks at him…“MY HERO” - and so it begins. Soon, her hero, which has been nothing if not the perfect gentlemen at first…soon, he begins to change. Just subtle changes at first, but changes just the same. Mostly, he has begun to cut her off from every other person in the world who may possibly care about her. Even her family. He will make things up about her, and spread them to others, so other people, including his own friends and family, will not like her. He will make things up about her family and friends, and feed them to her while she still trusts him, therefor cutting her family and friends out of her life. Soon, he has her believing that he is the only one in the world who actually loves and cares for her. Without him, she would be alone. Without him, she would be NOTHING.

Soon, he begins to convince her that SHE is less than he is. He is wiser, he is more worldly, she cannot exist without him. In fact, he doesn’t know how she ever made it this far without him! She is stupid. Can’t do anything right. Now, he sets rules. She must follow the rules, because she is too stupid to figure anything out on her own. He begins to limit her time she is allowed away from the home. He makes the home her whole entire life. Most of the time, if she is working, he makes her quit. He makes himself and their home her whole entire existance.

Once she is totally dependant upon him, emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. He is ready to begin the violence. Now, remember, at this point, it isn’t out of the ordinary for the woman to be so much under his control, she does not urinate without his permission. He may have put her out of his bedroom - what used to be their bedroom, and only let her in when he wants her for something. She isn’t allowed to want anything. She now has how food fixed when and how he wants it. She doesn’t speak unless she is spoken to. She doesn’t interfere with anything he wants to do. She has no opinion, no say - so. His friends and family see her as a stupid, mindless wimp. Her family wants nothing to do with either one of them. She is entirely his.

Next time she speaks out of turn - SMACK. It shocks her. He has told her he alone loves her. He has convinced her the only reason he keeps her away from the rest of the world, is because he is tired of seeing her hurt. He is tired of people using her. Tired of seeing her made a fool of. He wants to protect her from it all. So, her HERO, her protector…is now the number one cause of her pain. He may only hit her once - that time. Or he may beat her. It could happen daily, weekly monthly, even yearly. But it will happen, over and over again.

After the violence, he is so sorry. He is remorseful. He doesn’t know why he did such an awful thing. If only she wouldn’t drive him to it! She doesn’t understand how bad she makes him feel when she makes him hit her. Why can’t she just do what she knows she is supposed to do, instead of upsetting him to that point? Doesn’t she see how hard it is on him to have to do that? He may bring flowers. He brings her into HIS room. He loves on her, treats her almost normal…then, soon, she notices he is getting short with her again. She begins to walk on eggshells. She tries everything not to upset him - and THIS UPSETS HIM! He raises his hand and she cowers - THIS UPSETS HIM! Why is she cowering from him? He wants to know…it pisses him off so bad, he probably beats her. Makes no sense at all.

Why doesn’t she just leave? Well, she now has nothing of her own. He has taken everything she owned and made it his. She has no car, probably, that she would be free to take. She probably has no money of her own. He controls everything. She has noone to ask for help. Remember, he has isolated her from everyone who cared about her. She now believes she is nothing without him. He has her convinced no one else would ever want such a stupid, pitiful thing like her. She feels so lucky to have him, she just hopes he won’t leave her. She begins to apologize for making him hit her. If the cops come, she insists she fell - and won’t press charges. She thinks she needs him.

So sad. But, fact. I know, I lived it.

20

I’ve seen examples of women picking fights because getting a rise out of a less emotional/demonstrative partner is proof that he really cares/that he loves her.
To me, Secretary was more a case of a mutual domination/submission relationship and I didn’t see it as abusive.