Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I don’t know that ‘enjoy’ is the right word or idea, but I’m not sure what it is.

I have two friends who have had bad relationships repeatedly.

The first friend seems to do it because the chaos was ‘normal’ to her. She’s mellowed as she ages, but when we were younger, she seemd to go out of her way to create havoc when life was going well. It was like she didin’t understand normal life.

The second friend was raised to have a man take care of her and thought that having any man in the house was better than no man. When one man left for whatever reason, she would take up with (what seemd) to be the next one that crossed her path. She wasn’t very selective, I’m afraid, and wound up with some real losers.

22

I used to work in a battered women’s shelter, but eventually, I had to quit because the stress and frustration got to be too much for me.

I once begged a woman on my knees, with tears streaming down my cheeks, not to go back to her abuser. I offered to let her live with me until she got back on her feet if she didn’t want to stay in the shelter. No-- she went back. I don’t know what happened to her. I don’t know if I WANT to know.

There are a lot of reasons women go back/stay with abusive men, and they’re all as different as the women themselves.

  1. Some grew up in violent surroundings, and feel that it’s expected in a relationship. (I had a friend like this-- she felt uncomfortable if a man treated her well, and would end the relationship.)

  2. Economic reasons-- it’s extremely difficult to start life over with only the clothes on your back. It’s like climbing out of poverty. It can be done, but it takes a person of extraordinary will. The shelter in which I worked would only allow you to stay for nintey days for free, after which, they started charging a small rent. Some women couldn’t even afford that-- they had no jobs, and had never HAD a job, and also had kids.

  3. Love. Some see the abuse as their man’s only flaw-- that he’s sweet, loving and caring except for when he’s “pushed” into abusing her. When they’re away from him, they focus on the good parts of their relationship.

  4. Lonliness. Some women just can’t stand to be single, for a myriad of reasons. For some, it’s validation-- “I have worth because I have a man.” For some, it’s companionship—“The bed feels so empty and cold and there’s no one to wake me up if I have a bad dream.”

  5. Some women really believe it’s their fault their man hits them, that they *made *him abuse them.

  6. Some are violent themselves, and are actively involved in the fighting. They feel that because they hit him back that it somehow cancells out the abuse factor.

  7. Sometimes the rest of the family supports the abuser, leaving the woman cut off from her entire family if she leaves the man.

23

There are many permutations in explaining why, but of the list you gave, just about all of those reasons deal with control that is or can be exerted by the abusive partner. (and for #6, the illusion of control when the abusee attempts to fight back)

There’s nothing genetic about being in an abusive relationship - it’s learned, socialized behavior that came from somewhere.

24

Also, sometimes you can’t see that it’s an abusive relationship.

I was with an abusive partner for a number of years, and until the end, I just didn’t see that it was abusive.

It was a perfectly normal relationship at the beginning.

Here’s what happened. I’d state a boundary. Everyone’s got them. It didn’t really matter what the boundary in question was, just that it was one and it was definite. He’d wait a while after I’d set the boundary and then take one teeny, tiny baby step over it. Enough to irritate the beejesus out of me and cause an argument, but not enough to make me kick him to the curb. He’d apologize - and inevitably slip in a few little comments about how unreasonable I was being during the argument about his transgression. We’d make up from the fight, and a few weeks would pass and he’d do it again - a little farther. Rinse and repeat. After several repetitions, the original overstep that caused the first argument wasn’t worth fighting over. In effect, the boundary moved. He moved it - but it was a slow, gradual process and one that was hard to see from the inside.

Yes, it was manipulative. Of course.

It was years before he did anything overtly abusive - but years during which he’d been manipulating me - isolating me as much as he could - inserting his little snarky comments about how unreasonable I was being and to reinforce the notion that if I dumped him nobody else would ever want me.

In my own defense, I left him the second time he got overtly abusive. The first one I thought was an aberration, the second one I wasn’t willing to risk any more.

It wasn’t until I was looking back at it all from a perspective distant in both space and time that I saw the pattern for what it was - a buildup to abuse. And boy was I pissed when I figured that out. At me as much as him.

I know I’ll catch hell for this, but in a lot of ways society carries a big chunk of the blame for the prevalence of abusive continuing relationships. If you don’t look like one of the oh-so-ubiquitious Beautiful People™, it’s so much easier to believe that nobody else will ever want you or love you. When you’re not thin and you don’t look like the Media Flavor O’ The Month, it’s a lot easier to believe the voice of someone who’s supposed to love you whispering that you’re worthless. The objective indications that you’re not beautiful (I can use a mirror - I know I’m not beautiful) make it easier to believe the line of bullshit that nobody else will want you if you leave your abusive partner. Don’t mistake this for poor self-esteem talking. The vast majority of women aren’t supermodel hot. No matter how you look at it though there’s an enormous pressure on girls to be supermodel hot.

In a lot of ways, conformation to a physical ideal the primary mechanism by which the value of a woman is gauged.

I try to be a good person, a good friend. I know I’m reasonably bright by any standard. I’m a responsible citizen. But I was in my late 20’s before I finally convinced myself that anyone who thought less of me because genetics didn’t bless me with Angelina Jolie’s face and figure was a worthless loser and not worth my time. And through the years there have been a whole bunch of them.

How much easier is it to believe manipulative dreck about how worthless you are when you’re objectively and inarguably aware that you’re not beautiful and that beauty is one of the primary standards by which your worth is judged by your society as a whole? The answer is “lots easier”.

25

I disagree, or I agree, with the caveat that it can be learned within the abusive relationship.

My sister just got out of an abusive relationship of seven years. Why she stayed, I don’t know. He could be charming. He was well off. He found her when she was weak and vulnerable (recently divorced and broke) and gave her everything - then stripped it away. He seperated her from her friends and family. He sexually degraded her. He was an alcoholic and encouraged her to drink - and when things got really bad, she drank far too much.

She went for help and was told by her therapist “you must have been abused as a child to think that this was OK.” No she wasn’t. “Well, if you don’t remember it, you repressed it.”

So she “recovered” memories of abuse to justify the way she was treated. Horrible sexual abuse at the hands of her male relatives. And that made things even worse. She eventually left her abuser (actually, we pulled her out), but now she was alone, convinced that the people who cared about her hadn’t cared about her enough to protect her from her childhood abuse.

Fortuately, she has some good sense. She’s starting to peice together that she’s created memories - and taken on the memories of others she was in group therapy with.

My sisters and I had normal, non-abusive childhoods. In part, she was the perfect victim because she didn’t KNOW how to just drop and and leave. She felt like she could and should make a success out of it. It wasn’t that she’d learned being hit was ok, it was that she hadn’t learned to cut your losses and run - because she’d never had to face real dysfunction.

Its actually a pattern that’s played out with all three of us, though the youngest was the only one who was physically abused and stayed in a relationship. We took a while to learn that you can’t control other people - because the people in our lives as children exercised self control - or we were shielded from anyone who didn’t - we didn’t watch people “let go.”

26

I think some people in bad or abusive relationships cling to the notion that they somehow can change their SO for the better. It’s usually a dangerous idea, because people can only change so much. If they do change, it’s usually through therapy or self-discipline rather than the coaching of a loved-one. And some folks are simply beyond repair.

27

More often than people will admit it’s a dance, and people for all their wide eyed protestations of “I had no idea they a were like that!” are often quite well aware that their SO had an aggressive, controlling or manipulative nature from the get go, and often overtly or subliminally, that is what attracted them to that person in the first place.

By the time the controlling & manipulative aspect of the SO’s personality has worn out it’s welcome a dynamic is often established where both abused and abuser are pushing each other buttons with abandon. Stronger people with common sense leave these relationships, and it’s not always the passive partner that vacates, sometimes it’s the more aggressive/dominant person who has had enough of being leaned on all the time, and they can see that it’s the more passive person who is actually controlling the direction of the interactions the relationship. The less dominant person will often fiercely resist these breakups.

Short of some psychological pathology people most often stay in these relationships because they are getting something concrete out of them. Each person has to decide for themselves how much a bellyful of dysfunctional crazy and overt vs passive aggressive violence they can stand. Some people’'s capacity for it is truly amazing.

28

I appreciate what Aangelica was bold enough to say, and want to expand on it a little. Yes, it’s easy to doubt your “worth” as a relationship partner when you aren’t beautiful, but there are other things that can have the same effect. Having emotional/mental problems, for instance. I didn’t get a diagnostic code until I was treated in my 30’s, but I knew from my early teens I didn’t act “normal.” I didn’t think I was “crazy,” because I didn’t hallucinate, hear voices, lose touch with reality, etc. So when someone showed me attention, it was very easy for him to start manipulating me by saying that I was an emotional cripple who couldn’t deal with life without him, and then to use that against me any way he chose. I’ve never been physically abused in a relationship, but I have been emotionally abused. It’s no less difficult or hurtful or hard to get out of. I didn’t enjoy it, but I was an easy target, because of my fear of abandonment and because I craved the affection & attention that I didn’t get much of as a child.

Can I still be manipulated? I’m sure I can, if someone is skilled enough. Sometimes I will ascribe abusive intent to my husband over what is really just a bit of insensitivity or childishness on his part. I am fortunate to have learned to communicate my fears and to control my emotions better, so that I can look at things differently. If my husband is being manipulative, I call him on it. As long as I’m non-threatening & on an adult level when I do it, he’s able to change the behavior.

It’s really easy to be on the outside of abuse and blame the victim. I know both sides of it. The victim didn’t start it, didn’t ask to be shaped into someone who is vulnerable to it. But that doesn’t absolve them of the responsibility of dealing with their situation. Just remember that their “situation” is somewhat the emotional (and sometimes physical) equivalent of being a prisoner of war. They don’t deserve scorn, they deserve compassion and whatever help they are capable of accepting.

29

Ah…but that would land your butt in jail if HE pressed charges. I think it’s entirely possible this was a one-time deal. Your friend may want to discuss it with you (or may not). I’m not condoning what happened, but maybe after you’ve talked to him and her, you may find that you can continue to be friends with both of them. It sounds like they need to fix more in the relationship than this, but it’s up to them to work it out. If it turns out to be a habitual thing and he does it around you again, you have every right to call the cops. Just be prepared for the fallout.

30

I come from an entire family that denies that an abuser is abusive.

My sister married a “man” who has a violent temper. He will throw down his cards and shout profanities when he loses a hand to one of us, the mere “farm kids.” That was during the dating phase. We were all appalled. Later, we saw a fist hole in their apartment wall, which has changed stories many times: “He was angry at a bill we got and punched the wall,” “it was already there when we moved in,” and “what hole?” Then there was the time she showed up at my brother’s place with a surprise pizza and a black eye. She said her husband had a nightmare that he was being attacked, and when he swung to attack, he hit her. Now, of course, “What black eye?” He also yells at the kids all the time, loudly, until they wet themselves. Bottom line, he’s abusive. Everyone in the family has said so in one way or another (avoiding the word “abuse”).

Still, when my brother decided to have an email “intervention,” which finally got me past my fears enough to back him up with a followup email to the sister, the rest of the family basically disowned us. My mother recently told me that she won’t tell me if a grandparent, great aunt, or herself died, because I’d tell my brother.

Why has it come to this? The answer is actually pretty simple. The belief that abuse only happens to crack whores in large cities, it doesn’t happen in our quiet little community, and certainly not to us. Even the love of your children doesn’t come close to the power of denial.

31

I felt the need to quote this and re-enforce it as it is my opinion as well.

Another metaphor (along with the ‘dance’ that takes two partners) that I’ve heard used is that much of the negative/abusive interaction is a rollercoaster. A series of ups, downs, loops that is emotionally charged yet repetitive. It also tends to drop the ‘riders’ back where they started.

32

Dangerosa, your sister’s experience sounds awful and I hope that the therapist she saw was tarred and feathered or something equally painful and appropriate. You’re absolutely right that there does not seem to be an absolute rule necessitating abuse in childhood for a person to be a victim of abuse as an adult. As astro wrote, however, it seems like people who have that low self-esteem and are particularly vulnerable to abusive, controlling partners are that way for a reason. Not that it’s their fault, certainly, but something caused or triggered this - even if the cause is a myriad of factors that does not include being the victim of overt physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

33

Well, as I said, she got into a relationship with an apparently wonderful guy at a low point in her life. She’d graduated with honors and was working for minimum wage. She was married only a year before it broke up, and we think her husband was dating the girl he left her for before the wedding. I think, honestly, she was cocky. She’d been a charismatic, bright, athletic, beautiful person who had never faced real failure. Homecoming queen, a letter for every season, honors student in high school - in college a straight A student with a great boyfriend and a wonderful future.

People can have great self esteem, and then a job loss, or a failed marriage or illness can destroy that self esteem. Self esteem is fairly difficult to get, and once you get it, there is no guarentee you’ll keep it. And people with low self esteem are easy prey for preditors. And he “gave” her a lot of self esteem early in the relationship - got her back on her feet, she ‘replaced’ her husband with what appeared to be a better (more handsome, wealthier) model. But no one can ‘give’ you self esteem, it comes from the inside. And since her internal self esteem had been stripped, and her remaining external self esteem all came from him, she thought she’d have nothing if she left.

34

Where does this learned behavior come from? Kids learn it at home. They see dad abuse mom. Maybe physical, maybe emotional. That is considered normal at their house. When that boy grows he goes looking for a girl just like the one that married dear ole dad. The little girls grow up to go looking for a guy just like dad.
How do these people manage to find each other? Beats me. Smell?

35

I pulled out a few lines from your post that really resonated with me. My abusive relationship “only” lasted a little under 2 years, but it took me another 7 to be worth anything to anyone as a partner. That’s the scariest thing about abusers, IMO: all the things that you have to do to make a healthy relationship work, like being flexible and compromising and trying to see the other person’t point of view, are exactly what will damn you in an abusive relationship. An abuser isn’t living in the same world as you and me. Try to see thing their way and you risk getting sucked under.

That has happened to me too. As little as a year after it happened I was looking at the women around me in bad relationships going “What are they thinking? What’s going through their minds?”

I think that it happens because when you are under his control you are thinking his thoughts, not yours.

That’s been one of the most lasting effect from my relationship too. I always wonder now if I’m being too forgiving, too compromising, and so subconsciously I’m always keeping score now of trangressions against me. You can’t really do that in a healthy relationship, not without getting resentful and bitchy. But I can’t really stop either because I’m so afraid of getting abused again. I try to monitor my thoughts for any sign of it, but I have a feeling it is a battle I will be fighting for a long while.

36

I don’t think it’s been mentioned here, but I do know young women who enjoy the attention they get from it. A couple years ago, we were all concerned about a good friend who started turning up covered in bruises after a few days of not contacting any of us. It was kind of odd - she’d wear short skirts and sleeveless or strapless tops, and we’d all be horrified at the bruises, and demand she tell us what was going on and she’d refuse to talk about anything, and just when we’d all decide we had to intervene and get her safe, she’d disappear again for a few days. Eventually, after a few months of this, it came out she was bruising herself for the attention. She just craved the attention so badly, I guess. She’d even subtely suggest the names of guys it might be, who we later found out didn’t even know this girl. Thankfully we never mentioned this to certain guy friends of ours - she might have been responsible for completely innocent guys getting their asses kicked. Which I’m sure she didn’t even think about.

More on topic, I’ve worked with girls who stay with - and sometimes seek out - abusers because of the attention they receive. Obviously, there’s a whole 'nother psychological problem to these situations, and they’re rare, but they do happen.

37

This is a balance I strive for every day of my life. It is also one of the reasons my husband “jumped through hoops of fire” for me. He knows everything I’ve been through, and so he knew what he was up against. When he met me, I was quite cold and bitter. You see, the first relationship I was in is the one I described above, but the second one I leapt into several months after that one was abusive, as well, only it was exclusively mentally abusive. I had been so thrilled to get away from big bad Mr. Evil guy from the first relationship, that the second relationship seemed like bliss compared to it. You know what else is fucked up about this? Even today, I have a very hard time labelling that second relationship as “abusive”, because after what I’d been through with the first guy, it didn’t seem nearly as bad. So I was ready to marry a guy with a whole new form of abuse for me, just because it wasn’t “as bad” as the last guy. You know, because at least guy #2 wasn’t hitting me. So I guess when I said in my first post above, that I learned from it? In all shame and honesty, it took two relationships for me to learn. And I’m afraid of how many it might have taken if it hadn’t been for my husband…

So I was quite bitter for a while. Sometimes I still feel myself feeling like men are all secretly out to hurt me somehow, and my sweet, loving, ever-patient husband sits me down and reasons with me. No really, he’s truly awesome. :wink: After my track record, it might be hard to believe me! But he listens to me, and doesn’t yell, he never gets upset when I have an opposing opinion (and he actually comes to me for an opinion! Neat!), and he’s been more than understanding about everything that has happened to me, and helped me build my trust again. He didn’t insist I trust him, he just silently proved he was trustworthy over time. I feel bad that I ended up making my dear husband run an obstacle course to win me over, but he did it without complaint, smiling all the way, and I feel secure for a change, so I guess it worked out. My standards got higher and he matched them. He makes me feel smart and beautiful, even though I don’t think I really am. But I believe that he believes I am, and he’s the only one I care feels that way.

But I was pretty damn bitchy when he first met me. I am lucky that he saw something more. I still have my moments - some days I feel resentful and suspicious of everyone and everything. He’s never been insulted by it, thank god. He just holds my hand and walks me through it. Again, and again, and again… he’s my ballast. He believes I can walk all by myself if I have to. He really does treat me like a queen… some days, I feel like I don’t deserve it. But there are some days, like today, reading all the crap I posted about my past relationships, and he comes over to give me a big hug, where I feel, without ego or martyr-ism, and with a few tears of what might be relief or joy, that maybe… maybe I do.

38

I don’t think it’s that mysterious. Consciously or subconsciously, people are attracted to what they are familiar with, be it physical characteristics or personality traits.

39

Just FTR, I should add here that despite my having been in two abusive relationships, my family life was contented and happy. My parents, though they may disagree sometimes, have never raised their voices to each other, and there was never any threat of divorce in the house. My father is a kind and gentle giant of a man, quiet with a ready smile, and though he keeps to himself, he loves my mother fiercly and would protect her from the whole world if he had to. My mother, for all her foolishness, is just that, foolish, and never yelled or screamed at us. No one ever hit us. No other relatives outside of the family hurt us in any way. We were raised in a calm and loving home environment. It wasn’t always perfect, no, and my mother and I had some epic cold silences when I was a teenager :wink:

Incidentally, it is my husband who is just like my father. I see it all the time and think it’s kind of funny. I’m *glad * I married my father!

So my behaviour isn’t learned. I’m just a natural fuck up, all on my own. :frowning:

40

No you’re not. You have made mistakes in the past, just like the rest of us. And you did something right, you married a man just like your father!!!

I think it also needs to be said that people should not think that they are immune somehow to being in an abusive relationship. As it has been said through this thread, sometimes these things start out very subtly and then all of a sudden, the person is lying in a puddle of blood wondering how it all happened.

Always go into relationships with your eyes wide open even if it involves developing a healthy sense of skeptism. And if you have anything in your past (daddy issues, former abusive SO, etc) that will interfer with your ability for a healthy relationship, please go talk to someone about it. And if the therapist, spiritual advisor, etc starts in with anything that does not sound kosher (you are to blame for someone else hitting you, etc) get the hell out of the office.

Oh, and I do believe that there are intangible qualities about a few people. The whole “I just can’t put my finger on it” phenomena. Some people seem to attract deviant types. But I just don’t see that in most cases.