Why in the world would you stay in an abusive relationship?!?

The BBQ Pit
1

Here’s the story in a nutshell:

Girl starts dating abusive guy in August. They break up in December. I meet her in January and start dating her. We get along great and things are going well. She’s just lost her job and is moving nearer to me — very cool. Then I find out she’s got a job interview near the ex and she’s decided to stay there since it’s 10 minutes to the potential job and an hour from where I live. Red flag #1 but she tells me that they’re just roommates. Job falls through. I know she’s not working and has free time so I try to invite her out but she’s never really available and doesn’t want to spend the night because the “roommate” wouldn’t understand. Plus, she’s still moving stuff into his house. Red flag #2. I have a long talk with her at which we decided that since it didn’t look like the job was going to happen, when she sold her house, she would stay with me till she could find her own place. But I’m still not getting good vibes so I try one last time to ask her out last week. She said she had to clean house. STRIKE THREE. We had another long talk in which she was crying and telling me how confused she was – she still had feeling for abusive guy (who’s still at it) but knew she would be better off with me. I’m definitely not happy but I’m obligated to help her move (I’m a man of my word and I wasn’t going to let her be stranded having to move alone) and she said she was going to break up with him after the move. So I help her move…it was pretty tense but we got everything moved and unloaded most of it in storage. I then found out she unloaded some more of her stuff at his house because “it all wouldn’t fit in storage”. I call her on Sunday asking her if I should make plans of my own or is she going to need help getting her stuff out of his house when she broke up with him. She hasn’t talked to him yet but she’ll call me the next day. You know what — don’t fucking call me.

So I’ve pretty much given up on a pretty cool girl. In talking with a mutual friend, neither one of us could really understand what was going through her head. She’s “confused” and would rather stay with a guy who treats her like shit rather than be in a healthy relationship. I’m not a “nice guy” but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I really liked her and thought it was mutual. Fuck it. Life is too short and I deserve better.

2

You do deserve better.

One reason why people stay in “bad” relationships - whether they’re simply going nowhere and not really good, or abusive - is that it’s relatively stable. They know what to expect, they don’t have to go through the risk of breaking out of the rut and doing something new, or finding their way on their own without their former partner.

You’re right, she’s not over him yet. She doesn’t really believe that she can do better - maybe the guy had been feeding her lines about how no one else will really want her, how he’s the only one who could put up with her for long, etc. Don’t feel bad for dumping her as a result, though - it’s not your fault if she believes such things.

If you want, stay in touch with her, but make it clear that it has to be on a friend basis for now because she hurt you by her actions. Support her as a person. She has to get it through her head that this guy is bad for her. Otherwise, let it go. Perhaps your mutual friend could try something similar instead.

3

It’s what she knows. Better: it’s the only thing she knows.
Even though you treat her better, at least she knows abusive guy is going to keep on coming back to her. Whereas you might one day leave (it’s how women in an abusive relationship think. been there, done that, don’t really need the effing t-shirt).
Women like that think that they can changea guy, he keeps on promising them he’ll change, and they think “if only I love him enough, if only I do this, if only, if only…he’ll change, he’ll stop beating me up, he didn’t mean to beat me up, sure he said so just now, he was crying, he was so sorry, how could I leave him? He needs me, can’t you see? If I were to leave him he would be far worst off”, etc etc…ad nauseam.

They blame themselves. abusive guy blames them, too. They have very low self esteems to begin with, and cannot conceive someone could actually love them for what they are. And this is why she doesn’t stay with you. You treat her nice, so something must be wrong. I know how fucked up this sounds, but that’s how it is.

There’s nothing really you can do. She’s the one that needs to see she’s only destroying herself, and you will not be able to make her see that. Nobody will.

The only reason why I left an abusive relationship (well, a few, as it’s a serial thing with most women), was because I was sick and tired of crying every day. It eventually dawned on me that being that unhappy that you have to cry every godgiven day, is no way to spend your life.

good luck.

4

I know a woman who is in a bad relationship as well. He doesn’t beat her, but he cheats on her fairly often. She refuses to give up on the relationship because she “doesn’t want the last 6 years to be in vain.”

Maybe someday she’ll wise up thewiz. Until then, I agree with Ferret Herder. You deserve better.

5

Here’s a link to a recent thread on a similar topic. I think it will also shed some light here, and help you to see what she’s facing. Link

Maybe you could stay in her life as a friend, and support system? I don’t know if it’s something you feel up to or not, but consider it at least. This is a very tricky situation, because you were/are a love interest. Whatever you do, be careful.

6

You know, I used to scoff at girls in abusive relationships & couples that are always fighting. Then I realized that perhaps that is what they really want. Even though I wouldn’t want such a thing, if two people find love and joy in being mad at each other than so be it. The movie “Secretary” really helped solidify my opinions on this issue. If someone likes to be treated like shit and finds someone willing to do it, who am I to judge? I wouldn’t want anyone to judge me for wanting to date someone who will blow me while I play video games, which could arguably be degrading to the other person, but if I find someone willing to do it (any takers? - Not you Oxymorn!) I don’t think it makes either of us less of a person.

DaLovin’ Dj

7

You know, I used to scoff at girls in abusive relationships & couples that are always fighting. Then I realized that perhaps that is what they really want. Even though I wouldn’t want such a thing, if two people find love and joy in being mad at each other than so be it. The movie “Secretary” really helped solidify my opinions on this issue. If someone likes to be treated like shit and finds someone willing to do it, who am I to judge? I wouldn’t want anyone to judge me for wanting to date someone who will blow me while I play video games, which could arguably be degrading to the other person, but if I find someone willing to do it (any takers? - Not you Oxymoron!) I don’t think it makes either of us less of a person.

DaLovin’ Dj

8

Why do people stay in an abusive relationship, you ask.
That’s ironic, because you are in an abusive relationship with her, yet you still think you should help her. I get the distinct impression that you haven’t told her your true thoughts. You’re still expecting her to call because you haven’t got the balls to tell her to never call you again.

If you were willing to leave this abusive relationship you’d leave it, instead of whining to us about it.

9

Although he expressed it a bit roughly FranticMad does have a valid point. She’s in an “abusive” relationship with him and you are in an “abusive” relationship with her. The degrading whipping you described yourself as being willing to take for her and her “confusion” borders on (IMO) some kind of emotional S&M. I can’t see any woman having respect for a man willing to degrade himself as you described. Any normal man would have pulled the ejection seat at your “Red flag # 1 stage”.

She’s obviously not over him, move on and don’t let yourself be jerked around like this again.

10

I’m not exactly in a relationship with her. We dated for a while and we’ve talked about her situation but I don’t consider what we have a relationship yet. I would have liked to have developed a relationship but obviously things didn’t progress the way I thought. Part of the problem was her leading me on by saying one thing but acting differently. I’ve had some serious talks with her and until today, I gave her the benefit of the doubt but I made it really clear what my boundaries were. My frustration was her telling me I was everything she wanted and desired in a man but she wanted to give him one more chance because she was comfortable there. That’s fucking bullshit and I told her so. So I tried to talk to her about what she really and truly felt and asked her to be honest. I guess we’ll see what she does.

11

Or, if not change him… it’s "if only he wasn’t so stressed out about (for example) the bills! It’s only because the bills are getting behind that he’s stressed out enough to act this way. He wouldn’t treat me this way if he weren’t so stressed out right now! Once the bills are paid off and our finances are better, things will get better between us. This is just a bump in the road…

Of course life is full of stressors…

12

…and full of lame excuses.

My limited experience with women in abusive relationships are that sometimes they don’t believe they have any alternatives.

The abusers usually do a fine job of making the abusee believe they are worthless and should be grateful that they (the abuser) loves them. :rolleyes:

You can’t rescue her, IMO. She has to want to be out of this life and for now, it’s the line of least resistance.

It’s a sad, sad thing to watch.

13

It’s not just women, either. I’ve told this story before, but it fits here and needs to be repeated.

I met Justin 11 years ago, right before I left my hometown for college 40 miles north of here. He was also moving to the college town I was going to. We slept together a few times, but he was just cementing a relationship with someone else and we lost touch for a year or so.

I met him again a year or two later and we renewed our physical relationship. I also realized that I really had feelings for him, but since he was still with the other guy (yes, I know…) I kept my mouth shut about them. We lose touch for almost 8 years after that.

Shortly after we renewed our friendship, he started seeing a very controlling, abusive guy. He lived a few hundred miles away at that point, so we mostly had e-mail contact. The asshole was reading his e-mail, controlling his social contacts, and beating him up. On hearing that he was going to be bartending at a party I was going to be at, I sent him an e-mail, assuming that his sudden social freedom meant he had broken up with the asshole. I wrote asking if he’d finally gotten tired of “the asshole jerk” and left him.

Well, he hadn’t. And the asshole jerk was still reading his e-mails. Justin had lied to him, telling him he was going to visit his father the weekend he was supposed to attend the party. A week later, he actually was home visiting and came into the bar here in town with a black eye, lacerations on his cheek and bruises all over his arms. And it was, in his eyes, my fault for not thinking before I sent the e-mail.

I was furious. I ranted. I raved. I yelled. I tried to get him to see that he deserved far better than he was getting. No glory. He still blames me and I haven’t seen him since. At last report (from a mutual friend), he’s still with asshole jerk.

I obsessed briefly over “rescuing” him from that hell. Finally, I realized that I couldn’t make him do anything…it had to come from him. Sad, but true. He was, in a really strange way, happy to be in that abusive relationship, because he thought he deserved no better. I washed my hands of it. I still love him, one of only two former lovers that I regret didn’t work out. But I can’t help him. He has to do it himself. I’m not happy about it, but that’s the way it is.

14

Well, we finally had our final talk. After trying to figure out what the hell was going on, she finally came right out and said that she was definitely going to stay with abusive guy, that they were working through their issues, and even though she hoped she was making the right decision, she loved him and she couldn’t find it in her heart to leave him. It’s just a shame that such a wonderful person has made the choices she’s made. I’ve known it was coming but it still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Life goes on…

15

You can’t argue with the weather, you can’t teach a pig to sing, and you can’t make someone break up with an abusive asshole.

May I suggest, hopefully without offense, that you break it clean and gradually phase her out of your life? Because it’s going to keep going on, and every time it does you’re going to get angry with him. Eventually, it’s going to tear your life up as much as it does hers. Don’t jump off the cliff over her. I know that’s a hard line to take, but if you don’t set the boundaries now, you’ll end up miserable. It’s very hard to stay close to someone who’s made the choice she has without getting sucked into the drama yourself.

16

Because the sex is really good?

17

I’ve been in a minorly emotionally abusive relationship. Well, in my opinion, it was minor; at the time, all my friends were telling me to get the hell out of the relationship. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized that they were right.

Why didn’t I leave? I didn’t think I could do any better. This guy was my first boyfriend at age 18. I’d never so much as been asked out before. I didn’t think that, if I left him, anyone else would like me. That anyone else would want to touch me, hug me, be close to me, care about me, and stay with me without leaving.

I was very, very afraid of being left. It’s an issue I have. All my best friends when I was a kid ended up moving to Virginia. I live in Illinois. It was not an easy situation.

I thought that anyone else would just leave me, so I stayed with him, even though I had a couple of better options date-wise at the time. I stayed at the peril of my friendships. And then he left me.

I am not proud of the way that I acted. I begged him to take me back. I cried and cried and cried. I did his homework for him, let him walk all over me. He toyed with my emotions, made me think we might get back together, held it dangling in front of me…and I let him. Because who else would want me? Who wouldn’t leave? Even he left, but he’d left before, and he’d come back. He’d stayed with me before. He was my only chance at ever having a relationship. Of ever feeling the touch of a man again (I didn’t believe that any of the “better options” would want to touch me once they saw me naked). No one else wanted to care about me, to hug me. I wasn’t lovable.

Considering that I am a female, it’s ironic that it took a new friend–a new, male, gay friend–to tell me that I was wrong. He helped me to help value myself, to not hate myself, to stop being self deprecating, all without even the possibility of a romantic relationship. If he hadn’t done that, though…well, I’d probably’ve hooked up with the first controlling guy that’d come along.

I managed to find a great guy after that, and we’re engaged, and I’m *happy. I’m not crying all the time, I’m not constantly complaining about my boyfriend, and none of my friends think I should leave him. Sometimes, though, I think about my ex. I think about the way I thought then, about some of the things that he did, and I can’t believe it was me who was dating him. I can’t believe that I put up with that crap. And then, I think about the thought process I had, and I feel nauseous.

This is just my experience, but I hope that it clears things up. Please note one thing, though: you can’t change someone without their permission. The only reason my friend was able to help me is because I wanted to be helped. I wanted to stop crying.

18

Ya know, I never thought of it that way before. You’re absolutely right.