A friend of mine has (finally) come to the realization that she is in a progressively more abusive relationship that has been a major part of her life for the last three years. She and I reviewed the topic thoroughly yesterday for maybe a total of twelve hours.
It began as typical assaults on her self-esteem and minor efforts to control her actions. Some things were as minor as sitting four seats away in a movie theatre (he sits second and can control this), forcing her to move in order to sit beside him. In the past couple of weeks, it has escalated to allusions to physical violence if; for example, “your friends better start liking me” (his opinion being that we don’t like him because she spins everything in her favour – not entirely untrue, but by no means the entire reason we don’t like him).
She doesn’t live with him, thank Og, so she doesn’t have to worry about “getting out”. She has written a list of explanations, events, perceptions, etc. that help her to remember that she is a victim of mental abuse. She’s only just had her epiphany in the last 36 hours, and already a couple of times has started to doubt it (“it must have been my fault”, “he’s not all bad and has some great things about him”, “if I leave him, he’ll have nobody left, I feel like I’m abandoning him”). However, when she revisits what she’s written, or we re-cover the points that we’ve talked about, she does remember that she doesn’t owe him anything.
She’s calling her mom tonight to share what she’s learned, so that her mom can be aware of the situation and can help to reinforce how important it is that she never contact this guy again. I’ve suggested that she make one single telephone call to him telling him only that she’s made up her mind to never keep a door open for future friendship, that she will not be contacting him again, and that he is never to call her otherwise she’ll simply hang up. I’m going to be there, so that she can feel stronger and resist the urge to get into any kind of coversation or explanation during this call. We don’t believe that cutting all ties will in any way place her in danger of physical harm…provided he leaves her alone and/or she doesn’t respond, it is both of our opinion that it is extremely remote that he would pursue.
She has had a similarly abusive relationship in the past, so this is definitely a pattern for her. She recognizes this and wants to change it. She can’t currently afford a psychiatrist or psychologist or whoever you’d go to for this kind of help.
I’m wondering whether any who have been through this kind of situation with a friend or family member can tell me where I can learn more about how I can help her to get better. Do women’s shelters and those kinds of places offer free counseling? How can I, as a friend (should throw in here that there has been romantic interest between us as well, so that might alter an outsider’s perspective somewhat), assist her in overcoming her feelings of guilt for leaving him, her ingrained thought processes that remind her that “she deserved the abuse that she was dealt”, and that kind of thing.