How do I help a friend, a victim of mental abuse.

A friend of mine has (finally) come to the realization that she is in a progressively more abusive relationship that has been a major part of her life for the last three years. She and I reviewed the topic thoroughly yesterday for maybe a total of twelve hours.

It began as typical assaults on her self-esteem and minor efforts to control her actions. Some things were as minor as sitting four seats away in a movie theatre (he sits second and can control this), forcing her to move in order to sit beside him. In the past couple of weeks, it has escalated to allusions to physical violence if; for example, “your friends better start liking me” (his opinion being that we don’t like him because she spins everything in her favour – not entirely untrue, but by no means the entire reason we don’t like him).

She doesn’t live with him, thank Og, so she doesn’t have to worry about “getting out”. She has written a list of explanations, events, perceptions, etc. that help her to remember that she is a victim of mental abuse. She’s only just had her epiphany in the last 36 hours, and already a couple of times has started to doubt it (“it must have been my fault”, “he’s not all bad and has some great things about him”, “if I leave him, he’ll have nobody left, I feel like I’m abandoning him”). However, when she revisits what she’s written, or we re-cover the points that we’ve talked about, she does remember that she doesn’t owe him anything.

She’s calling her mom tonight to share what she’s learned, so that her mom can be aware of the situation and can help to reinforce how important it is that she never contact this guy again. I’ve suggested that she make one single telephone call to him telling him only that she’s made up her mind to never keep a door open for future friendship, that she will not be contacting him again, and that he is never to call her otherwise she’ll simply hang up. I’m going to be there, so that she can feel stronger and resist the urge to get into any kind of coversation or explanation during this call. We don’t believe that cutting all ties will in any way place her in danger of physical harm…provided he leaves her alone and/or she doesn’t respond, it is both of our opinion that it is extremely remote that he would pursue.

She has had a similarly abusive relationship in the past, so this is definitely a pattern for her. She recognizes this and wants to change it. She can’t currently afford a psychiatrist or psychologist or whoever you’d go to for this kind of help.

I’m wondering whether any who have been through this kind of situation with a friend or family member can tell me where I can learn more about how I can help her to get better. Do women’s shelters and those kinds of places offer free counseling? How can I, as a friend (should throw in here that there has been romantic interest between us as well, so that might alter an outsider’s perspective somewhat), assist her in overcoming her feelings of guilt for leaving him, her ingrained thought processes that remind her that “she deserved the abuse that she was dealt”, and that kind of thing.

Counselling, for sure. It ought to be covered by Medical or something free or very low cost can probably be found. Look into battered women’s support groups. All battering is not physical and she’ll probably be very welcome.

It’s good that she can recognize the pattern. If she was denying it, she could find herself in real trouble. The important thing now is for her to stop the current relationship and not jump into another one. Do be her friend. Don’t try to take it into romance. Not now, anyway.

I wouldn’t be so sure that he will simply slink off into the shadows. Control is a compelling thing. Once he realizes he’s lost it, he could react in totally unexpected ways. Making her feel she isn’t worth bothering about is part of his arsenol. It keeps her running to him and let’s him maintain the position of power. He won’t like it at all when the power shifts to her. Be ready. You already know he isn’t operating on a real stable platform.

Good luck to all of you. Yes, him too. People don’t just turn out that way. Somewhere along the line, someone screwed him up badly. That DOES NOT mean it’s up to your friend to rescue him!

The boyfriend is obviously not your cup of tea, but (IMO) if the all too typical passive aggressive relationship squabbles, and petty nonsense you listed, is what you are going to whip into a “mental abuse” label, and have her use as a hammer to break her relationship with this guy (whom you evidently detest), it is obvious that there are multiple agendas at play here, one of which is yours.

zoogirl, among other things that we talked about last night was that if we were to decide to become involved, it must be much further down the road. Part of our past reluctance to become romantically involved hinged on the fact that I felt she was “not well” when it came to relationships and had a poor track record in the decisions that she made in her life. We have already agreed that we will take it a day at a time, but that it is best that for now we remain simply the best of friends that we’ve become.

She has asked me to help her to find resources offered by special interest organizations (women’s shelters and the like) or by the local health authority to see if she can get access to counselling. Her concern is that she doesn’t “qualify” since it’s not a “family” issue (they’ve never even actually agreed they are in a relationship – rather, he has always stated that they aren’t – so they weren’t even officially boyfriend/girlfriend never mind spouses). I suppose we’ll find that out in the coming days/weeks.

I appreciate your perspective on the matters related to escalation. I still am reluctant to think that he would actively pursue her, but I suppose there’s no way to know. Without her, he will be left largely alone, as most of his other friends have walked away to greater or lesser degrees, I’m told because of control issues. I shouldn’t underestimate what he might be capable of, as the last two weeks have seen the advent of a new stage involving threats such as, “If you … , I don’t know what I might do to you” and for reasons I don’t recall, him stating that he “might just kick her teeth in”.

astro, I can understand your position and your reluctance to believe, based upon the limited information I’ve offered, that he is an abuser. I’m not willing to regale you with examples to support the assertion of mental abuse. You may choose to believe or disbelieve my intention as pure at your will. I will state that I see his actions as abusive, she states that she is beginning to see them that way, her father has expressed significant concern, her other female and male friends believe him to be abusive without exception, as do at least one of his male friends.

Actually, the refusal to admit that the relationship exists isn’t that uncommon. I was in a situation like that once myself. It lasted five years. It’s just another element of the control.

The threat of physical violance is certianly enough to qualify it as an abusive relationship. It may even be enough to involve the police, although I doubt your friend is anywhere near that stage yet. I’ve known women who took serious beatings for years before they finally decided it was time to call a cop. Some of them never did.

If he’s threatening to "kick her teeth in’, it’s time to get help. At the very least, get her to document what he said, with dates etc. If he leaves any threats on her answering machine or email, save them. This is serious. I can’t emphasize that enough. Just because he doesn’t live with her, doesn’t mean that at some level he doesn’t believe he owns her. I put that awkwardly, but you know what I mean.

How well do you know this guy’s background? Is there any way to check him out with former girlfriends, co-workers etc? Specifically, what’s his track record with relationships?

To add to what you said, Standup Karmic, it would very possibly be an extremely unwise idea for her to get in a relationship with anyone so soon after a breakup, especially one that will leave her searching for her identity so much more than most who are in relationships.

Just as an added kick in the direction of intervention, a woman I know was just shot by her on again/off again boyfriend. She took multiple bullets and had extensive surgery. If several bystanders hadn’t stepped in, she’d probably be dead. He ended up shot to death by the police. All of this happened in broad daylight, out on the street. She’d just told him it was over once and for all.

She is quite familiar with his background, though I have largely stayed away from getting involved in their relationship. I’ve told her in the past when she came to me that I’m unwilling to continue helping her clean off her shoe when she so willfully keeps stepping into that pile of shit. Of course, with her willing to make a real and positive change, I’ve agreed that I’ll offer any help I can. But I digress…he has a child by an ex-gf. The gf left him, and he largely plays himself as the victim. She just didn’t have the “depth” to understand him. (He is a very “spiritual” person who most people just don’t have the depth to get, he says.)

Word is that she was never physically abused, but my friend, (let’s call her Betty) says that there was very likely mental abuse problems according to what she’s heard. Interestingly, Betty has said this while refusing to believe it was there for her.

  1. Mental abuse certainly exists.

  2. The OP has described nothing that comes close to mental abuse.

  3. Since the examples in the OP were pretty clearly offered to show the existence of “mental abuse,” the fact that they don’t makes me skeptical of the claim that there are other, more egregious examples that the OP doesn’t wish to offer.

  • Rick

See, what you missed astro and Bricker is that he sat FOUR seats away from her at the movies.

She should seek counseling right now.

The next step is clearly physical beatings.

Seriously, Karmic, if you’re really seeking advice about this, regale away, because what you listed here and saying “trust me, there is mental abuse” is hardly enough for anyone to give an opinion on.

What you appear to have missed here Trunk is that I am not seeking your approval in my decision to help her to find a professional, as she has requested, nor have I sought to obtain opinions on whether circumstances in this specific case merit the label of “mental abuse”. This is not GD, and I have no intention of defending my position. Quite frankly, if I, she, and her friends believe that she has suffered from abusive tactics, then with all due respect, I’m going to go with our opinion rather than yours.

What I have asked for is if anyone has information related to where she might find free professional help, and where I might learn more about what I can do as a friend wanting to support her decision. If you can help with that then by all means, do share. If not, then thank you kindly for stopping by and trying to engage me in debate, but I’ll have to pass this time around.

Yeah, well maybe you should before you have your friend tie up some counsellor’s valuable time when that counsellor could be dealing with a real problem instead of someone who

  1. doesn’t even live with the guy

  2. isn’t even married to him

  3. has pretty scant evidence of mental abuse, at least based on what you said here.

Are you an expert on abusive relationships? Will I be seeking the opinion of qualified therapists here or will I be getting the opinions of unknown individuals who may or may not have the experience to deal with it? And I’ll do what then? Tell her that some people I’ve never met have convinced me that she’s overreacting and that she is a horrible person for seeking help? I believe I’ll leave it to a professional to decide whether or not she needs help.

If you feel that I’m being horribly unreasonable or taxing the social safety net by helping her find assistance, then by all means Pit me for it. Your ridiculous banter and judgement is thoroughly unwelcome here.

Standup Karmic, I have nothing but best wishes for your and your friend, but Trunk is not entirely out of line here for wanting more facts. You mentioned a rather tame example (when viewed in isolation) of forcing her to switch seats at a movie theatre as a sign of abuse, but now refuse to provide further details.

I understand you don’t wish to provide these facts, which is fine, but “here is an incomplete version of events, take my word for the rest of it” can set off the skepticism alarm for some of us. In any event, I hope your friend can permanently ditch her BF and get the help she needs.

neuroman, I agree with you that the story I’ve offered is hardly convincing. Truthfully, I simply should have avoided all examples entirely, as I gave the impression that the facts of the case in some way related to what I was looking for. I agree that I wouldn’t be convinced if I were to be reading this as a third party. I do find it interesting that those who are reluctant to offer me the benefit of the doubt will go so much further to suggest that because I’ve not provided convincing examples and a full story, I must have a hidden agenda or worse, that I’m a liar. Bricker said so much, in claiming that if I fail to provide more convincing anecdotes, then any information must be viewed as suspect. Obviously since my example at the extremely low-end of the spectrum (the movie theatre) is unconvincing, I must be lying about the threats of physical attack.

I understand there may well be skepticism, as I’ve not provided a convincing case for peer review. Like I’d said though, that was never my intent. I don’t wish to have others offer their opinions on whether or not this is a case of abuse. This is best left to a trained professional. All I wish to do is help her find the professional she’s seeking and learn more about what I can do as an uninvolved third-party.

Hey Karmic.

I used to work at a domestic violence shelter, and we did offer free outreach counseling for anyone who felt she had been through an abuse situation. There was both group and individual confidential help for all types of situations. The topics covered included emotional control and abuse as well as the more “standard” overt power and control methods such as physical ones. The area shelters I worked with offered pretty much the same types of services. We were glad to assist women who had never been physically hurt nor moved in with an abusive person, and thankful for the rare chance to help someone to do better in relationships before they reached the stage where they are in real physical danger.

Whether or not your friend’s situation can be considered “real abuse” is not for us to call. If she feels she is in a bad relationship and lacks the skills to deal with manipulative jerks, she needs help. In my state at least, county d.v. shelters do offer free services to people in dating relationships who are experiencing the most mild forms of mistreatment. Sometimes a person does need education about what healthy relationships are all about and guidance in making good decisions for him/herself in that regard. We are not taught relationship skills in school, we instead learn them from the cradle from often flawed examples in our own family. Every little bit of improvement on this system helps.

A paid therapist who has experience dealing with relationship and self-esteem problems might even be a good idea for her.

The best you (collectively - all her friends) can do to help is to surround her with activity once he is gone. Controlling exes often do show back up and act in unexpected ways - and even partners who have experienced more severe abuse are tempted to return to a relationship because of loneliness and the intense attachment formed by emotionally unhealthy people. If she has something to do and positive people around during free time, there will be less risk of those things happening. Good luck.

The purpose of which may be to exhibit control over her by forcing her to come to him.

While the one instance listed is not enough to provide proof of mental abuse (not that was what was the OP’s intention anyway) it does clearly put the boyfriend into the realm of being a jerk.

I can’t vouch for the quality of these sites, but this site on abuse has a messageboard. You might get specific answers to your questions there.

This site might be of interest too.
Most articles suggest to end the relationship like you would rip off a band-aid: quickly, to minimize pain. If your friend fears that he boyfriend won’t let her go without a fight, she might be interested in reading this article. It suggests another approach: to become so dull and boring, that the controlling partner will end the relationship himself.

I’m not a professional counseller, however I have been part of a battered woman’s support group and a participant in a twenty week course for women re-entering the real world after an abusive relationship. I’ve experianced it myself, seen it first hand at the homes of friends and heard many, many stories. Does that give me a little credibility?

I say yes on the counseller because I know how much of abuse stays hidden. For every episode she’s told Standup about there were probably several she was too embarressed/stunned/ wishing to disbelieve, to tell him about.

The main thing is the threat of physical violance. THIS IS NOT TO BE IGNORED! The woman I wrote about earlier is a good example. Unfortunately, people are far too quick to say a woman is simply over-reacting. Once the threat of violence is made, it’s a whole 'nother ballgame.

As to “wasting” a counsellers time, that’s what they’re for. She should at least talk to one and lay it all out. Then a decision can be made about continuing.

ggurl answered your question best, I think. Any women’s shelter would be glad to offer her counseling.
A friend of my friend was recently found dead, wrapped up, in a closet of her house. Her serially abusive boyfriend finally beat her to death. All the local women’s shelter workers and counselers knew her well. She always refused to press charges and always went back to him, claiming he truly loved her and didn’t mean to hurt her. Well, she’s dead now. Luckily, so is he. Apparently after he killed her, he hid her body in a closet and told everyone she left to visit relatives. The cops though it was odd that she didn’t tell anyone else where she was going and that she left her purse, keys and car behind, but he put on such a good show, they followed his lead. Two days later he killed himself, and the cops finally searched the house and found her body. He had been living with her dead in the closet for three days. She never thought he was a true “abuser”. I hope your friend doesn’t take any chances. Good luck.