Friend in abusive relationship

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have to say this is a new one for me; I’ve never been friends with someone who is being abused (to my knowledge). This friend is a coworker, an amazing teacher (she was teacher of the year last year) and my mentor. She is very attractive, bubbly, funny, and sweet…but she has us all scratching our heads and about ready to wring necks with this man she “loves.”

I started writing various instances and events she’s relayed to me, but I’ve decided it isn’t worth it and despite her mind boggling behavior, I do respect her and want to keep those unsaid.

The gist of it is this: He breaks things, screams, yells, lies, hurts her, and does much of this in front of his children. But oh, “He’s getting better.” Or, “It’s what was modeled to him. His father was very angry.” Or, “He’s going to counseling.” (Never mind that he ducked out of a month of it) Or (my favorite), “I love him/he loves me.”

When, after months of obvious ugly behavior on his part, she told me he had hit her (and we’re not talking a slap in the heat of the moment…we’re talking chasing her down, tackling her before she tries to lock herself in the bedroom, and making her arm black and blue), I figured that well then…the engagement (which has been on and off twice now) surely had to be off now. But oh no…he loves her, he really does, he just has problems. “I guess we’ll just get therapy.”

Meanwhile, she talks about what a poor role model he is to his kids (from a previous relationship; they’re junior high-age); that’s an understatement. When she was miserable and talking about how bad she’d feel about the kids if she left, I told her, “Yes, but you need to model to his daughter how a woman deserves to be treated, and what she should put up with.” My friend: a shrugged shoulder, avoided eye contact, and a weak “I guess.” It didn’t stick.

I’ve given up. I don’t even want to hear about her relationship with this guy, because I always end up so angry, both at him and now, at her. She always takes him back. Always. What’s amazing is no one, no one at work likes him. When she said they were breaking up three months ago–before he became physically abusive–we all offered our sympathies but our encouragement of “You did the right thing,” “He doesn’t deserve you,” “You deserve better,” “You don’t need that,” etc. She took him back. He’s getting even worse, and she’s still taking him back.

She is ten years older than me, and yet seems to be seriously lacking in the maturity and wisdom department. Part of me wants to yell at her: “What the hell did your dad do to your mom? Where did you learn it was okay for a man to treat you like this?” And, most loudly, “STOP TRYING TO FIX DADDY!” (You see, his changing, it’s getting better…)

I’m left shaking my head, and hoping to God that this ends somehow, soon, without any serious physical confrontations.

Why do educated, talented women do this? Why why why why why???

2

A friend of mine was in an abusive marriage, and for her it was tied up in lack of self esteem, along with the fact that her father abused her. Nothing to do with intelligence. The last straw for her was when she thought she would kill him if she could. She left, got counseling, and is now married to a great guy.

That said, I still don’t really understand it.

3

After dealing with this once, I found that in our particular situation, we sorta helped her ‘come out of the closet’ to a group of friends. Not only did the group offer a lot of support, but the many were able to put him back into his place. It also helped put him back into a car, and into a restraining order.

I’m not saying advertise, but I think the more friends she has to arm herself with, the better for the situation it will be. He thought differently when I and a co-worker started showing up on her doorstep to pick her up for work every morning . . .:slight_smile:

Just a thought.

Tripler

4

I’d make a phone call to a domestic abuse hotline and ask what they recommend a “bystander” like you do. You don’t have to follow their advice, of course, but it would he helpful to know what those with experience suggest.

I was stunned to discover that one of the warmest, funniest, smartest, wittiest women I ever met on the net was (all the while she was chatting with us) in the midst of an abusive marriage. I didn’t know until she left him and had the strength to write about it. I am still floored that this was going on, and that it was happening to a woman I admire so much I thought of naming our baby after her if it was a girl. As someone else said, I don’t think it’s a reflection on intelligence. Too many other factors play in.

For every woman who dies at the hand of an abuser, I am sure there are many friends, relatives, colleagues, and neighbors who kept quiet and did nothing because they didn’t know what to do. Maybe the life of your colleague isn’t at risk, but the psyches of her kids are–and that’s true whether the abuse extends to them or not. Being in that situation may seriously handicap them when it comes to healthy relationships later in life. Some overcome this–too many don’t. This is the logic I used when I approached an acquaintance who was staying with an abuser (who was otherwise “a great dad! Really!”). I asked her would she stay with him if doing so meant her daughters’ right hands had to be amputated? Because that’s pretty much what is happening–except the injury isn’t visible or easily treatable. She could be maiming them for life, on the inside. She could be dooming them to having serious problems with men, with friends, with their own kids. Did it work? No; instead, she elected to stop speaking to me. Maybe I didn’t do the right thing. Maybe I said it wrong. If I had to do it over, I’d make the phone call I spoke about in the first paragraph. Maybe they’d tell you to MYOB, but man that feels wrong to me. It’s turning away that enables abusers to keep it up and get away with it in society, you know?

I don’t envy you this dilemma. It’s nice that you care enough to write about it here.

5

My heart goes to you- and your friend.

I have seen too many of my female friends deal with similar situations and you want to grab them and shake them and say

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Instead I just try to listen and say everything gently but I am screaming inside. Yet they finally figure it out on their own one day and I feel this tension leave, like the weight has been lifted. This makes me smile.

I think that there is only only so much a human can take of a certain kind of treatment before something happens-
it festers in your mind that things are not the way they ought to be, and eventually it breaks open.
I just hope it happens before they are married.

And therapy for HER would be beneficial, so she can recognize that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

She is also lucky that she has you.

6

The next time she brings an “incident” up tell her this:

"You are a funny, smart, beautiful (etc) woman and it makes me sick to hear about how this asshole treats you. It upsets me that you continue to allow yourself to be hurt.

You’re not going to receive any more sympathy from me for a situation you are perfectly capable of removing yourself from. Therefore, this is the absolute last I wish to hear of this until you take steps to protect yourself and his children."

If you think about it, the sympathy she receives is part of the problem…she doesn’t receive anything at home (I’m sure he’s verbally abusive as well) and feels validated when people tell her that she’s smart, funny, beautiful, etc. elsewhere. It’s a vicious circle.

Forget about being gentle, this woman is NOT thinking rationally and NEEDS a shock from someone she trusts. Be firm and be willing to put your friendship on the line to express your disapproval. She may stop speaking to you (out of embarrassment), but do you really want to feed her addiction?

Good luck.

7

I’ve been in several abusive relationships. Including an SO who would hit me with the back of a wooden hairbrush for “looking at him funny” or “letting my ice bang on the side of the glass”. None of these men were alcoholics, none of them took drugs, none of them had problems at work or school. To everyone outside our relationship they seemed like normal guys. You don’t necessarily have any reason to suspect the abusive side until you have a lot emotionally invested in the relationship.

The blame lies with abuser, but the problem belongs to both of them. Your friend needs help. She needs to come to terms with her side of the problem. Abusers are very convincing… they are always sorry, they always say “it will never happen again”, they always offer to “go to therapy”, and they always blame someone or something else (parents, past experience, work, stress, or the abused person etc.). If you fall in love with someone, it’s easy to believe that they will change. In fact, you want to believe that they can change… but sometimes they can’t.

You can’t “save her” but you can (if you are willing) do your best to help her see her situation from the outside.

You are (I believe) both teachers, ask her how she would react if a student came to school with bruises, and made remakes that implicated a parent or a boyfriend.
Also, if you (or your friends) are on good terms with the school psycharist, or crisis management person, you may want to brooch the subject with someone trained to deal with this type of problem.

As someone who has been there, I would urge you to do what you can to convince your friend to go to therapy. Even if she left this relationship, people who have been in an abusive relationship will tend to keep finding abusive relationships. Your friend needs to learn to understand what in happening inside her head so that she is on guard if it happens again.

That being said, she will only see the light when she is ready.

Heck if it helps, print out this theard and give it to her…

If you want to know more about my own experience, my e-mail in in my profile, and I would be happy to help.

I wish you and your friend all of the best

-Pandora

8

I’m actually pretty fond of Sue’s reaction. For different reasons, but still agree.

I didn’t realise how bad a relationship I was in was until a friend of mine asked me not to be with my SO in his presence. He essentially said, “I love you too much to watch you accept such bad treatment. If you choose to do so, do so elsewhere.” He remained my friend, was there if I needed him just as always, but my acts of self destruction were to be left outside.

It gave me a suddenly clearer vision of what was important. Yes, making my SO happy is important. The quality of that SO is as well.

She is acceptinge the amount of damage this relationship is causing to her. She may need some help to see what it is doing to so called outside parties such as the children around her and now her friends.

9

I guess I should have made it clear that my first husband was abusive so it doesn’t appear that I’m just talking out of my ass.

10

I’ve been in an abusive relationship too. I deluded myself in to thinking that “the love of a good woman would change him.” If he would just see how much I loved and cared for him, he’d realize how wrong his behavior was.

Didn’t quite work out that way. It’s a long story that I won’t relate here, but I did finally manage to locate my spine and my self-esteem, and get out. The thing is, I had to do it myself. Others tried to point out his glaringly-obvious-to-everyone-but-me flaws, but I still insisted on believing that things would get better. Once I realized that I was completely wrong about that, I was able to get out & save myself and my sanity.

Getting out of a relationship like that is NOT easy. People who haven’t experienced it have trouble sometimes understanding why one doesn’t just walk away. In my situation, it was slightly easier, because we weren’t married, had no kids, and I (thank the Goddess) have a very strong support network, mush stronger than I thought at the time. I was able to get out because I had someplace to go. I had family that was willing to take me in (they were practically begging me to come live with them, they were so happy that I was getting out of that relationship).

One of my biggest fears, though, was that my family & friends would reject me for my stupidity. This comes back to the self-esteem issue that is at the heart of so many abusive relationships. Once I realized that my family loved me very, very much and wanted me out of that relationship just as badly as I wanted to get out myself, it made things easier.

I also back up Cranky’s suggestion that you call a crisis line and ask for their suggestions. Those folks are trained professionals, and have lots of good advice for people on the outside looking in, as it were (FWIW, my own mother was a crisis counselor for battered women, for eight years, before I got involved in that abusive relationship. That’s another reason why I felt so stupid. I knew better, because my mother had taught me all about it, and I chose to ignore her wisdom, for a time).

Good luck to you and your friend, and if you can, please keep us posted.

11

I’m still unsure what to do. Sue, I do like the idea of being so confrontational, but I don’t know that I’m the one who should say it to her. We have a friendly professional relationship, but aren’t exactly friends. The fact that she is my mentor, and 10 years my senior, makes things feel awkward and the whole situation somewhat backwards. Saying something may not help her, and cause tension in our team-teaching relationship.

There are other teachers at school, older than her and who have known her 10 years (whereas I’ve known her two) who have said something to her. She has a history of being attracted to this type; she divorced a violent man six weeks after marrying him a few years ago, and these teachers were there supporting her throughout the whole messy affair. Recently, one of these two teachers asked her some tough questions…“Have you noticed you’re attracted to men like this? Have you seen the pattern?” and subtlely suggesting she get therapy. Result? She didn’t talk to them for months.

She hasn’t really volunteered information to me about it since I about popped a gasket when she told me he hit her. Okay, I didn’t pop a gasket, but my jaw was on the floor for a good while, closing only to help form my words of “Oh, he’s gone,” and “Get out now,” “You don’t deserve this,” etc.

She’s the type that, God love her, sees good in everyone. One parent is particularly psycho–violent, crass, cusses out her kid in front of other kids and parents and back to school night–and this teacher defended her, saying, “But we need to understand where she’s come from. This has been modeled to her; she doesn’t know better.” This responded with a hearty “BULLSHIT!” from a couple of teachers in the room. Still, my friend seems insulted by the idea that some people are just plain JERKS, that we aren’t nobly believing in these people and their capability for change. Hey, IMHO, anyone can change, but when it comes to my person, the changing happens before any kind of serious relationship happens. Sheesh.

Cranky, I like your idea of calling a place, and Pandora, I’ve thought of your idea of using an analogy of a student.

FWIW, her parents know and have said things to her. I have said things, and at least three other teachers at my school have said things to her. She doesn’t want to listen. I hate to think I’m valuing our professional relationship over her, but it seems I’m not the person to sit her down and be that frank. However, I am more than willing to say (and have said) my honest opinions about him when the topic comes up. If it comes up again, I’m going to ask her about her and the choices she makes.

I asked today how things were. Oh, they’re just peachy! He loves her! He took her for chocolate cake on her birthday! What a great man! :rolleyes:

12

I’d like to see this thread continue, with even more feedback from people who have been able to leave abusive relationships.

What did it for you?

Did it help to have friends and family stand by you, or was there a “tough love” approach such as Sue described?

My daughter’s going through this, and I think it’s in the end stages now, but she’s taken him back so many times, I can’t be sure.

So I’d like to know from the people who’ve experienced it – what made it finally stop for you? Have any of you pressed charges that resulted in jail time? What happened when he got out? Did he leave you alone, but go on to abuse someone else?

Has anyone had a relationship that was saved through therapy?

13
14

My friends and family stood by me, I don’t want you to misconstrue(sp?) that.

My Mother helped me look for a new apartment and put down the security deposit and first month’s rent. My Mom, Dad, sister and Grandfather helped me move. I had a tremendous amount of emotional support.

I had one friend who gave me the “tough love” wake up call. She was the only one who did…then again she was one of only three people that knew, I had hidden the abuse from everyone else.

15

Shadowfox and Sue, thanks – I’d been half wondering if my being there for my daughter is the same thing as enabling. (Whatever “enabling” is – I really don’t know.) From what you’ve said, support from friends and family can make a difference.

What happened with you should be helpful to Ruffian’s friend too.

The hardest thing (for us, over the past four long years) has been trying to convince her that this guy is not like you and me. That he’s not going to respond like “normal” people. He can’t. It’s not in him. She can’t accept that. If an animal can respond to love and care and attention, why can’t this guy?

I dreamed last night that I was driving around with my gun, looking for him, but when I found him, I couldn’t get the gun to fire. And he just laughed and laughed.