Hey, a little while ago I was here asking for advice about how to handle this girl trouble I was having. I handled it and I’m more or less fine. We’re mostly friends and we’re both fine with that.
See, at first I thought we wouldn’t be able to be anything because she was still in “love” with her ex. Some dude that would cheat on her constantly, not let her hang out with her friends, and abuse her verbally. I was talking to her and he apperently abused her physically as well. Not many times, but enough, and with varying degrees of intensity. She told me of this one time when he hit her real bad because she went to some party. He hit her in select spots too, mostly the legs, because it was winter and no one would see them anyway.
Now, this was all almost a year ago. He’s in the army and she’s out having fun with her friends and she seems happy most of the time. However, when I spoke to her, she said she was still in “love” with this guy. Now, I’m not a psychologist, but I get the feeling tha something is VERY wrong with this picture. The cheating and going back I can see as high school/young love BS. But to go back after being physically abused?
I want to help her. She talks to me fairly easily, until I start to lecture her, which she hates a lot. I try not to, but her decisions make very little sense to me. So I’m asking anyone with experience in this matter to help me help her. I don’t have alterior motives, I’m not doing this just so that her and I can be whatever, I am truly worried about her and I want to help her and I want her to be happy. How can I help her?
That’s very sad. I believe you are being sincere in your efforts to help her but I can see that it might be in the back of your friend’s mind that you have ulterior motives.
If you can, and if she can afford it, I would encourage her to talk to a professional counsellor who can work with her in considering the situation objectively.
Failing that, you could continue to support her but recognise that you can’t force people to change - they have to do it for themselves.
I chuck this last thought at you for consideration - how would you feel if you helped her overcome her distructive former relationship and then she began a new, healthy realtionship with someone else? I guess my point being please try and avoid getting too emtionally involved yourself.
I’ve considered your last point a great deal already. I would be hurt but not that much. I would be more hurt if she just started a new relationship tomorrow, without dealing with these problems.
I believe she doesn’t recognize that she has a problem and I can’t think of a way to convince her. She still thinks of her relationship in a happy light. When she begins to think of it in any other way, she starts to cry or she gets real deffensive. A little bit before she kissed him again, she would feel as if she did something wrong by “leaving” him, she felt bad for doing it, as if she was the one at fault.
I’m at a loss in this. I don’t know where to start or what I can do to help.
Typical battered woman syndrome. She knows her relationship is a mess, but she justifies it for psychological reasons that are more complex than any lecture can fix. Is he still beating her up? If she needs immediate help, you can offer assistance. If not, she will come to the realization that she needs to leave, but it will be on her clock. Maybe a counselor can help her. If you ever see him hit her, you can call the police and the matter will no longer be in her hands. It’s a tough situation. Good luck.
He’s in the army now and more or less out of her life. He’s getting married, or so she’s heard. She didn’t take this news very well at all. She cried a lot.
She actually had a restraining order on him for August and most of September, but when it was lifted, she kissed him and she saw him on occasion.
If he stays out of her life, I assume that she will eventually be alright. But I don’t think she’ll ever fully recover if she continues to see him as a good person. I believe she needs to understand that she was not in a healthy relationship and if she continues to “love” him, it means she needs help. But any attempt I make seems to just push her away.
One thing that drives me nuts is women in this type of situation.
“Oh but he loves me”
“no he abuses, degrades and hits you”
“no, he loves me”
At that point I bow out(good friend or potential piece of tasty bits, doesn’t matter), there tends to be too much emotional crap for me to deal with. If you are trying to get into her pants good luck, you will get the standard, “your too nice” line. In other words you should have publicly humiliated her and beat her until she had to go to the emergency room. Obviously by treating her with respect and not beating the crap out of her you are a wussy man undeserving of her attention, and don’t ‘truly’ love her.
If she is your friend (and not a prospective piece of tasty bits) tell her how it is. If she likes being treated like crap, your not going to be there for her to cry on your shoulder, if she shows up with a black eye from this ass your not going to feel sorry, tell her at this point its her fault for going back again and againg and again. I’ve lost a couple of good friends that really enjoyed being abused, but I don’t need that crap, you have your own life to live, don’t be a martyr. If they really want to get rid of the creep its really not that hard, don’t talk to them, don’t call them, restraining orders etc…
You can’t help her if she keeps going back to it, thats her problem, don’t let it drag you down, if its the first time, worry about it, help her. If its the second time, be understanding and supportive, if its the third time, say screw it, and find friends that aren’t insane.