I have finally decided to split up with my boyfriend. Or at the very least, to take a break from the relationship. And I feel so bad about it, I can’t stop crying. I really wanted things to work out, but he can be so mean. He has good points, but when he wants to, he can really be a pig. He hasn’t hit me, but he has been forceful and the mental abuse sucks. Without going into detail, I’ll just say that things haven’t been peachy in a while, and I have finally had enough. And I actually feel bad about it. I don’t want to end it, although I know that it’s probably for the best. I want to make things work out, to the point of compromising myself. It makes me sick to feel this way, like I’m weak, a victim, whatever. What the …? Sticking around in a bad relationship? What’s that? Even now, I’m considering just keeping my mouth shut and hoping that things get better. Can someone just smack me really hard and make me wake up??? I really hate myself right now.
SMACK (as requested)
You can do better than him.
I’ll give you my standard first question to anyone who says something along the lines you’ve just said:
Have you told him how he’s been making you feel? If not, you need to, calmly and rationally. If you lose your cool, he may stop listening and shrug it off as you just being upset about something. Sit down with him, explain how you feel, explain why you feel that way, and ask him how he feels about what you said and try to work it out from there. I wouldn’t tell him about your intention to leave just yet, as that might make him defensive (no one likes ultimatums)
What does he say when you tell him he’s being mean? If he blames you, why do you think things will get better? If he says he’ll try to change, but hasn’t, why does that make you the weakling? Tell him to come back when he’s developed the character to follow through on his promise.
If you haven’t told him he’s being mean, then get out of the relationship and get some counseling yourself.
Take a step back and look at what you wrote. “I really hate myself right now”. Read it over and over again. His abusive techniques are working you. Just as any abuser does, he makes you feel shitty about yourself, he beats down your self esteem.
I think you are doing the right thing. Make a break for it, and spend some time working on YOU. Thats whats important. Realize that you are human, deserve to be happy and most of all, re examine all the fine qualities about yourself that you have lost.
Take it from someone who has worked her way up from the bottom again hon. No one is worth losing yourself over. And when you find yourself, its the most incredible feeling in the world.
BTW, I forgot to add, if while you’re talking to him about how you feel, and he gets verbally abusive or tries to place any blame or make you feel guilty for the way you feel - basically, if he has nothing constructive to add to the conversation - dump the bastard. If he doesn’t want to work with you, it’ll never work. There’s better people out there.
Here is a really interesting site…
It’s about mental/emotional abuse. You might find the route to answering a few of your questions here.
Good Luck
Needs2know
friendly SMACK (as requested)
friendly SMACK (as requested)
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friendly SMACK friendly SMACK friendly SMACK (as requested)
friendly defenestration of Heloise (not requested – oops) pulls Heloise back in through window
Canadian Sue:
And that’s how he controls you. If you have the strength to walk away now, do it. You may never regain that strength again. Think of this as a learning experience (what you don’t want in a relationship and some of what you do). You two apparently don’t mix – if you go now, you’ll be looking out for both of you in the long run. This is probably overstepping the bounds, but you should probably avoid going out with another guy for right now, too – a lot of times this just sets up a cycle of abusive relationships. Hang out with your friends – you need a little building up right now. I wish the best for you. 
You shouldn’t hate yourself. You may, but you should try and work that out. If this guy is not treating you well, then you should remove yourself from the situation. Focus on yourself, get yourself on the right track. If you can, seek some professional guidence from a counsellor or psychiatrist. But definately DON’T TAKE THAT CRAP!!! You obviously don’t need it.
To reiterate. Dump the loser, he’s bad for you. Rediscover yourself, find out who you are again. Seek assistance from a professional. Get yourself together before you get back into any serious involvements.
{Disclaimer: I am by no means a qualified professional advice giver.}
Just what I think, take it or say “Your advice sucks!” 
Hey, Needs2know, I read the site you posted. I feel nauseous. There’s me, all over the place in there.
Yes, I have told him before how I feel. He tells me it is basically my fault, or that he was just reacting to me. It seems to be more about applying blame, instead of telling me how he feels. It seems he would rather make me feel bad if I do something he doesn’t like, than tell me why he is upset with me and work on it.
I just don’t understand why I still feel so strongly about making a bad relationship work. My mother understands, my SO is a lot like my dad was before he died.
Now is the time to break the cycle. Best wishes to you!
I agree with Sue.
If you’ve tried to discuss it to no avail, or if he’s placing the blame for everything that’s wrong in the relationship on you, then it’s probably time to move on.
Who knows? Maybe he’s ready to get out of the relationship, too. I haven’t seen anything to indicate that he really cares for you. Maybe it’s there; I just haven’t seen it here.
Anyway, good luck and best wishes.
Too much abuse & you want someone to smack you? Isn’t that rather ironic???
Yeah, it sucks- but it sucks for people who don’t get abused too!
Time or handy can give you the tools to deal with it.
Heloise, abusive relationships are serious business, certainly not pointless. Please get some help. You may not be able to see how serious the situation is from your perspective.
You should be very careful about any future relationships. You may find yourself in this situation again and again, and the next guy might be a hitter. I recommend professional help.
Thanks for all the suggestions, guys. I’m taking them seriously and considering counseling. Actually, looking at my family, (I have a big one) the women for the most part have had terrible relationships. I don’t just mean they were with men that were not compatible, I mean alcoholics, drug users, abusers, beaters. Real winners. I see the tendencies in my nieces and cousins, too. I am so frustrated. Right now, I don’t want to jump into another relationship when this one ends, I just want to learn how to be alone and be okay with it.
At this point, I hate it when someone tells me that the right person is out there somewhere. I don’t want anyone, my choices have not been the best, and I just want to be alone and be okay with it. Not be desperately lonely and grab someone out of despair, you know? I wish that at some point in my life, someone had taught me that being solo was a good thing.
Heloise, I echo all the advice above, especially Qixotica’s and Canadian Sue’s. I have seen firsthand the destruction an abusive relationship can do, and it isn’t pretty. My best friend in high school had a mentally and physically abusive boyfriend, and during the course of their relationship, her personality did a complete one-eighty. Their breakup was a time when she needed me to be there, but she was so unpleasant to deal with that I couldn’t stand to be around her.
I think people tend to think of their breakups as failures, regardless of whether the relationship was good or bad. They’re not failures. You can’t singlehandedly make any relationship work. He assigns blame when you try to talk things out; what more can you do?
Please, for your own sake, leave this man.
And hey, if you need someone to talk to, you can e-mail me anytime. Have strength, Heloise. You can get over this.
When I was 24 I moved to another country and made a conscious decision to be alone. My choices of partner up until that point were hideous beyond belief. There was the serial rapist who attempted to kill me, the guys who were twice my age and just casually emotionally abusive.
I was alone for 3 years. Then I met the man I am still married to 10 years later :). It is mostly a good marriage although it has its moments. We have weathered step parent issues, losing a child together and we now have 2 special needs kids together. He’s had a chronic illness. Life has not been kind to us but we have managed to hold together a relationship where respect and caring function for both of us. Without those years on my own, I don’t believe I could have worked on a relationship the way I was able to.
good luck and wishing you the strength to move onto
primaflora
Solo is okay. I do it myself sometimes. But I won’t think less of you Heloise if you slip & go back to him.
Heloise, if the guy tells you that his abuse is “your fault” or he is “just reacting to you” his next move is to hit you and then say “See what you made me do?”
Please get out before that happens.