He broke up with me first. Can you believe it? He wants to date other people, although he still wants to date me as well. But, essentially, it’s over. How strange… But the really strange thing is, my friends are happy for me. I called one of them last night, and he said, “That’s great! I’m so happy for you. You can do so much better!” I had a girlfriend say the same thing to me today. Although my Mom wouldn’t come out and say so, I know she is elated that it’s over.
Thank you guys for your posts. They were really helpful and I took them to heart. I also saw a shrink yesterday, so hopefully, I’ll start to be a little less freakish about my choices in the future. You guys were a great help, and helped keep my spirits up when I was despairing. Thanks again.
I want to also chime in that after being in (or being witness to) a relationship that is stormy, it can skew your perception of emotion. For all the stomach-churning stress that comes with a partner who can be mean, it’s easy to start to believe that this is “real passion” and a good thing. Our culture celebrates people who make huge gestures in the name of love–including violent ones. It’s deceptively easy to start to think, “Gee, this guy really LOVES me, I’ve never had a guy who got so worked up over our relationship he yelled! Or started a barfight cause some other guy looked at me!” etc etc.
A man who loves you respectfully and gently can be a good thing. If you ever find yourself thinking that’s “boring,” come in here and ask for a smack again.
Oh, and also, if you’re not sure about making a long-term commitment to therapy, you might try checking out your employer’s “Employee Assistance Program” (assuming you work). It’s generally a free, confidential thing where you can go talk to someone (a counselor). They might refer you to more intensive counseling, or it might be all you need to just talk your feelings through a bit. It doesn’t have to be a work-related thing–they recognize that life events/problems can require some attention, too.
I was in a relationship once & I talked about it a lot at the psychologists’…then I thought, if I need a psychologist to have a relationship with this woman then I sure don’t need her.
I have only one piece of advice to add; what you do with it (read it, ignore it, whatever) is up to you.
Take the time to find out about yourself. Don’t get involved with anyone for a while. You need to find that serious relationship with yourself, to learn to love yourself, before you get involved again.
I’m so glad Heloise that you visited the site. While it may sound a little odd, I’m also glad that you saw things there that looked familiar. I don’t know how old you are but without the realization that you may be contributing to your own destructive patterns of behavior, things will never get better for you. It’s entirely possible that you could allow this kind of thing to go on with your personal relationships for years. Recognition is the first step to effecting any kind of change.
You’ve recieved some good advice here. But in the end you will have to do a bit of self searching. You may have to visit some areas inside yourself that aren’t pleasant. Once we face these dark places then we can deal with them and move forward. You are obviously a rational person that realizes your personal relationships should be as pleasant and supportive as possible, not filled with guilt and self doubt. Whatever inadequacies you may possess are yours to deal with, not someone elses, as theirs belong to them. Don’t ever let anyone attempt to make you responsible for their failures, or their happiness again. Be good to yourself and others and demand that they treat you the same. Good luck honey.
Yeah, I think with the background in your family and the fact that you have already been in an abusive relationship yourself, you really need to be careful.
Those who have gone through this consciously and unconsciously seek out men or women who possess the same traits as the original abuser. It’s coomn knowledge, but I also speak from experience.
It’s almost as if you need to go and do it again because you didn’t get it right the first time. Or the secod time, and so on…
You don’t need to go back to it. Stay away, I know that you can and will be able to sense these types in the future, and don’t ignore the hunches, and don’t choose to overlook things that are obvious signs of abusers (or subtle signs).
It may sound lame, but I suggest, for use in the future- not right away- you should compile a list of things you want in a man. Characteristics that would be good for you.
It will clear your mind, i think.
Just make that list and hang onto it awhile.
