My husband and I have a friend from our old apartment building who is such a wonderful man. He works hard every day to pay his bills, takes care of his son, is loving and gentle, etc. His girlfriend of the last 7 years and mother of his child, however, is horrible. She has drug addiction issues and as part of the crap that goes along with that she refuses/is unable to work and is prone to insane mood swings. Two weeks ago she kicked him out of their apartment, threw all of his clothes in the bathtub and covered them with bleach. He was at our house that same day because he was doing some work replacing some of the boards in our bathroom floor to make a few extra bucks to pay for daycare for his son and his phone was blowing up with text messages from her about all the things of his she was destroying and how she never wanted him to set foot in their apartment again. We sat and held him while he sobbed and even though he was in an awful position he refused our offer of setting up a spare bed in our house for him and his son. By the time he left he’d arranged to stay with his dad for a few days while he got things straightened out.
Then after not hearing from him for a few days I texted him to ask how he was doing and received the response, “Great! We’re back together and she is pregnant!” :eek:
About a week later he came by to check on the work he’d done and make sure nothing else needed to be taken care of with our bathroom floor and he had two black eyes and bruises all over his face and arms. The man is built like Hercules but that didn’t stop her from going all Mike Tyson on his face apparently. He didn’t hide the fact that she hit him but he sort of laughed it off, almost as if he just figured that all women must hit their husbands and boyfriends from time to time.
I’m at a loss for how to respond. How can I explain to him that it is still abuse if a woman hits a man? What resources are available to help him get away from this if and when he finally decides he has had enough? What kind of horrifying excuse for a human being violently attacks their spouse? This isn’t the way he should be treated. This isn’t the example they should be setting for their son. They both need help and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. :(:(
Unfortunately, this is his problem, and he’s got to be the one to make the decision to do something about it. When and if he gets to that point, maybe you could help him get a lawyer.
Until then, if he’ll cooperate, take some pictures and otherwise document the incidents so you can testify in the custody case, if you’re willing to do it.
In theory, it shouldn’t be, but as a practical matter, it is different in a number of ways. There aren’t a lot of resources for battered men–domestic violence shelters, at least in my area, are mostly set up to assist women and kids. Most of the players in the system–cops, counselors, lawyers, etc. are used to dealing with women as the victim. Likewise, male victims often have difficulty even admitting that they are victims, and dealing with all that comes with it.
You should see if there are any support groups for battered spouses in your area and see what they can do to help. They’ll likely be far more useful to you that well meaning, but mostly unqualified, advice from a message board.
Not to denigrate those who are qualified to offer suggestions and information, but most of us are arm chair quarterbacks as best.
How is the son? Are there any signs he’s being directly abused as well? I might figure I can’t help an adult who doesn’t want to be helped but if there’s a child involved I recommend calling the police and CPS.
You can at least provide him with the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE. You might consider pointing out that the people at that number can help him develop strategies for protecting his baby-to-be from violence after he or she is born.
I would call an NGO dealing with domestic violence for advice, and call both police and child protection services.
I never had any regret calling the police, and even put an end once to a serious ongoing crime this way (in a foreign country, even). Success isn’t guaranteed but at least I will have done what I could.
It’s extremely unfortunate, but our society seems to just not have the sorts of resources for abused men that it does for women. Having been in situations where I’ve been witness to both men and women being abused, and having been so myself even, it seems to me that there really isn’t much anyone outside of the situation can do. To a certain extent, it’s even worse for men because men who get hit are “sissies” or that it’s wrong for men to hit women, a woman is less able to hurt a man, especially if he’s much larger than her, so it’s somehow justified or at least less wrong if she does it.
My suggestion would be to talk to him, encourage him to get help, refer him to resources, and keep doing it. It will probably fall on deaf ears for a while, but maybe it won’t. Keep an extra eye out for things that you’re not hearing about, particularly as it may involve their kid. When you can, document what you do see and hear. Like this most recent one where he had bruises, at the very least make a record of the types of injuries and the date, maybe even take pictures. When he does get out of the situation, this could help corraborate his versions of the events. Also, look at the local laws, or even talk to some of the local support groups about how you can or should get the police involved, maybe you can take a more proactive approach but they’ll be able to help you more with that than an internet message board.
Thanks for the advice. Mostly I’m just angry. Angry that this is even a problem, angry that there is nothing I can do to help, angry that even if I did have concrete things I could do to help he wouldn’t accept it because he doesn’t see himself as being abused, etc. If he ever wants someone to help him my husband and I will be there for him but he has to get to a place where he would be okay with that first and he may not ever get there.
Mainly I just came here to vent. Abuse is never okay and it makes me sick that he thinks this doesn’t count as abuse because he is a man, but since there is nothing I can do about it I just needed to bitch and moan for a while.
Realistically, he’s probably not going to leave her as long as she is pregnant. If she’s pouring bleach over his clothes, and texting him about it, she’s probably not above threatening to get an abortion to manipulate him, and he probably wants to make sure she takes care of herself-- doesn’t drink, goes to doctor appointments, takes her vitamins-- because she sounds like the sort of person who won’t do those things on her own.
Also, if he leaves while she’s pregnant, then he wants to get custody of the baby, if he fears it’s being abused, she’s going to be able to use “He left me when I was pregnant” against him.
If you ever dealt with a woman in denial over the fact that her husband isn’t going to change, it can flow pretty thick. I imagine it works the same with men, and the women they hope will change.
Good on you OP for being concerned and trying to help.
It’s doubly tough to get help for woman on man abuse I am sure. If he defends himself, well…
Thing is. There are ways for him to defend himself without violence. I hope he can get some help.
(Does anyone understand this stuff??? My wife and I have not had so much as cross words in the 18 years of our marriage. I do what I want, she does what she wants. We do what we want to do together, together. I don’t get this fighting at all)
I hear you about the venting. Like any abused adult, until they admit that there is a problem, and want help, there is not much you can do about this. About the only thing you can do is to continue to be his friend. Be available.
Child abuse is an entirely different matter! IF the kid(s) are being abused, (a big IF), then call CPS and report it. Keep in mind the consequences to your friendship if you choose to do this. He may blame you for the hassling they get from CPS. Do not assume that a caseworker will keep their source (you) anonymous. Some will, many will not. Many abusers are very savvy when it comes to figuring out who might have “ratted them out”. So even if the caseworker does keep mum, the abuser will still guess, (sometimes correctly), who turned them in. I know that your friend is the abused, but he is also an enabler. Enablers can get very angry when the abuse is unveiled. Crazy, I know.
The last sentence of your first post sums up what I often feel when faced with these situations.
Watching someone you care about who becomes a victim of DV is very hard . I watched my sister go through it for almost a decade. I tried everything to get her help, called help lines, gave her contact info, even dealt with him twice. It did nothing, in the end the person being abused has to make the decision. I don’t know where you live but here’s some contact info that’s geared around male victims of DV.
Thank You! These are great resources to filter to someone who is an obvious domestic abuse victim.
Its funny how you can want someone to be at their best & happy and applaud their use of makeup to make themselves shine.
Its sinister when makeup is just used to cover up the bruises of someone completely buried in denial.
The usual reasons a woman is afraid to leave a man who is beating her are (1) she has no job and no money and would be on the street if she takes the kids (if any) and leaves, and (2) she’s afraid he’ll track her down and do even worse stuff to her (including possibly murder) than he’s done before.
AFAICT, most of the resources for battered women are directed at dealing with these problems.
So far in this thread, I don’t see anything that says that either one of these applies to this guy. It seems that if he had taken his son and his stuff, walked out, and not come back, he would have been OK from there.
Now that he’s gotten her pregnant, the whole game has changed, but before then, it would seem like he could have just left her.
