How much should income matter in a relationship. Poll to happen

In My Humble Opinion
1

As soon as I get the poll thingy worked out.

BG" I’ve been reading the age differences threads. I was engaged to a combat Marine who suddenly sent me dumped me. Because he sent me money to pay the mortgage on what I thought was “our” home, I am now stuck in a job I hate, a house I hate but can’t sell because nothing is selling now and lots of other bills involved with trusting him.

I’ve met M irl several times, all innocent stuff. He’s 57 and I’m 33. Most of our communication is online and by phone. Again, innocent stuff and we only started talking on the phone since I called him to say how sorry I was about his loss.

I’ve known him for 4 years. His wife of 30 years died suddenly in November. I got dumped last month.

I’m just a poor wageslave and he can go out and impulse buy cars. I got a 2,000 check from him in the mail today because I told him that my transmission was going out. I won’t cash it tomorrow. I don’t know if I’m going to rip it up or send it back. I didn’t ask him for it and when I called him, he said he was worried about me and that it was pocket change.

I am attracted to him, but its not about the money. He wants to send me plane tickets and pay for a hotel room so I dont feel any pressure about what will happen next.

His wife didn’t work after they were married and he has said that he would want to do the same for me.

I just don’t know. I’ve always worked. Looking at the check, I feel…I don’t know. I’m confused.

So, long story short. How much will the wageslave be able to deal with a rich guy?

2

trying to get poll thingy working. no joy

3

wait wait sorry hijack. You were planning a wedding recently. The one I was going to babysit Idiot Cat for? This wedding is off?

You okay? Holy crap!

4

Accepts your sympathy happily. Yes, I was going to be married in May. I was engaged for 3 years and my finger feels all nakie. His mom is so ticked off at him. She says she is going to divorce him and keep me.

M also has an idiot cat…named Kirby because of his habit of licking the floor after M feeds him. The food is in the bowl, but Kirby seems to think that its his duty to clean the kitchen floor. My idiot cat has stopped sleeping with me because he doesn’t like wet fur.

No, I’m not OK, Kinki. I’m confused and hurt and I really don’t know what to do…which is why I am asking the smartest people in the world to help me out.

5

So listen - I don’t really know about the wage thing - when my husband and I met I made about 10 times as much as him and it wasn’t an issue so, I dunno.

HOWEVER, if you’re coming out of a 3 year engagement that only ended last month…I’m not sure any relationship right now is a great idea. Well, perhaps wild crazy sex with a hot waiter in Mexico who doesn’t speak English, but a relationship? I think no.

6

snips…YES, please tell me about this. I have alway paid my own way. How did your husband deal with going out to a fancy place and not be able to pay his half? Did you ever write him a check for more than he makes in a month just because? What did he do with it?

We are both in agreement with this. I think. M keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to take advantage of me, and I know that he’s not in the right place mentally as well. His wife died. We both are hurting and clinging to someone familiar. M says that if he flys out to be with me, he will stay at a hotel so that I don’t feel pressure. I’ve never been able to afford to stay in a hotel, its always been Motel 6 for me.

Its really the money thing that is confusing me. I can’t pay my half for his trip.

7

I think that neither of you should make any permanent decisions right now. You are both raw and hurting.

But if he can easily afford to come see you, then maybe the two of you can find some temporary comfort.

8

Honestly, if the man is willing to give you the money to get you out of a bind and to him it truly is not that big a deal financially, take it! I don’t think going out to visit and he pay your way is appropriate at this time though. You’ve known him 4 years so you must know his character by now.

Also, get some crazy hot sex too!

Here’s some perspective; I recently bought a friend $30 worth of baking supplies because she’s in bakery school. She didn’t ask for it, I just want her to practice her craft and succeed in school. To her it as a huge extravagance since she is broke and struggling with work and school, but for me it was just along the lines of “OK so I won’t go to the brewpub one night, big whoop”.

9

How much “should” it matter or how much does it?

The reality is it does matter a lot. Money may not buy happiness, but it will determine where and how you live.

And as you found out, if you are in a relationship with someone who makes significantly more than you do, you become dependent on them in order to maintain the lifestyle you start to become acustomed to.

It’s not really even about “taking advantage” of the other person. It just creates added complexity because whether they use it or not, the wealthier person has power over the other through the ability to give or withhold money.

10

I have to say that your immediate issues aren’t that of money. The main problem you have to deal with is how quickly this is happening. It almost sounds like he’s asking you to marry him?

From my experience, the first question I would ask you: how did he get his money? Is it self made or is he “from” money? If he is from a wealthy family, it might be harder for you to transition into his life. You might not be accepted into his society.

Does he have children? They might be difficult in that they might see you as a threat financially.

Last but not least, if you do become involved with him do your best to improve your situation. By this I mean go to school, learn a trade,etc. There might come a day where you find yourself alone again.

11

I completely agree with this. It will be all too easy to accept the money he offers now, but moving forward that’s always going to be a consideration for whether or not the relationship is ‘‘worth it.’’ The last thing you need is to feel trapped or stuck or just reluctant to get out because you are dependent on someone else.

It sounds like he could be a really great guy, and if that’s so, he will understand that it is too early and too soon for you to allow your life to become enmeshed in someone else’s. You are still reeling from this shock - give yourself some time. I’m not saying you can’t hang out with him or anything, but I’d be really careful to draw some very firm boundaries around giving and receiving.

12

Shortly after my husband and I started dating (we were both grad students at the time), he started a real job and I continued in grad school. So his income was easily 4x mine.

He would almost always pay for dinner (I treated him a couple of times, and I would usually pay for entertainment, but he did the lion’s share of the paying for dates), bought me nicer gifts than I bought him, and would pay for any trips we took together. He never offered me money for any incidental expenses of mine, and I probably would not have accepted it if he had. (If I’d been really hard up, I might have treated it as a loan with the expectation I would pay it back.) He usually paid for visiting me, and I usually paid for visiting him. Now, he did visit me approximately ten times more than I visited him, so that was uneven too.

I think the dividing line was this: “extra” things that we did together he’d pay for, but never for things that would make me dependent on him. If I wasn’t dating him, I wouldn’t really miss the nice dinners or trips – well, okay, I love good food, but the whole point was to do it with him.

So for the situation you’ve described, for me it would be no problem to accept that he would make a trip and pay for it himself. That’s his decision, his money. But I would not want to accept a random large sum of money like that.

And yes, as others have said, if you are still in shock from your last relationship you need to give yourself some time anyway.

13

I think the $2000 cheque is confusing you because it’s inappropriate at this stage of what relationship you may have with him. I don’t think he means anything by it except as a nice gesture, but I would send the cheque back if I were you in that situation.

My husband is the major bread-earner in our family right now and I work part-time (and do EVERYTHING for the household), but that doesn’t bother me because this only happened after I had spent decades supporting myself, and I know I can do it again if I have to. Even so, it took me a while to get used to the idea that the money in my bank account wasn’t earned by me - it’s a weird feeling.

You are in a bit of a financial mess because you were depending on someone who proved to be undependable. It is understandable (and admirable) that you are trying to look after yourself now, and not get into a situation where your husband takes care of you, then possibly leaves you in an even worse situation than you are now (15 years from now he dies and leaves all his money to his kids and you haven’t worked for the last 15 years - that would be bad).

I would suggest that he come visit you and stay in a motel, and you see about dating and getting to know each other (and healing for both of you). I wouldn’t have a problem with a new boyfriend paying for dinners and movies and stuff that we do together, but I would be uncomfortable with lots of gifts early on - it would feel like he is buying my love.

14

How can you know that? I have given hundreds of dollars to various appeals (including on the SDMB) without any real knowledge of what I was contributing to.

15

Were you trying to get into a romantic relationship with them? :slight_smile:

16

Money doesn’t matter.

Having said that, your real concern should not be your income, but rushing into a relationship with a guy who just lost a partner of 30 years. There’s no way he isn’t still grieving, and no way he’s actually ready for a new relationship. He’s looking to replace a hole in his heart (and maybe a domestic servant as well). I think it’s better to give him a lot more time, at least a year, before you move ahead with anything, especially given the age difference. He’s a pining old widower looking for a replacement part, not somebody enamored with you specifically.

Don’t cash the check. Don’t put yourself in his debt. You need to maintain some independence for a while and see if his interest still holds up in a year or two. My guess is that if you balk at his offer, he’ll move right down to the next one on the list.

17

It’s never about the money. It’s about the person. (Whether you or him or both.) There is no One Size Fits All advice. I can’t possibly cover all the possibilities in detail here. When I was divorced, I was very well off financially and dated a number of eligible women. Some hinted or outright asked for help with their personal financial problems, which was not my concern. So I didn’t offer any help. There were a couple that really were struggling to keep from drowning just trying to make the basics. Those I offered help without them even asking. There was no deals, no strings, just take it. Money gone, which I could afford. One I ended up marrying a year later. 25 years later, I’ve not had even one single regret about my decision. (Don’t get me wrong; we’ve had our disagreements and some have been doozies, but not regrets.)

But there are both gold diggers out there, as well as the players who buy their girlfriends, and you have to develop a sense of character judgment. And take it as a learning experience when you find out you were wrong.

18

Take the check.
What is all of this nonsense about confusion, don’t rush into things, etc…?
You are in a bind, and a friend is helping you out, at no great cost to himself. For anybody that says for you to send the check back, I suggest they go without transportation themselves.Or, that they come and give you a ride when you need it.

Also, in many of my experiences with an ended relationship, a quick, new one often helped. To say hold off, etc…is being a bit too glib. What do YOU think is the right thing to do?

You know that a money differential can wreak havoc, without having a plan, so, just have a plan! That seems to be the only issue.

Best wishes,
hh

19

Geeze, getting advice from you guys is like talking to a Priest. No black and white answers, just lots and lots of shades of grey.

I hung up on M today. M knows that I love fresh seafood, which is hard to come by in the middle of the desert. A few days ago, M told me that he was going to be a judge for a crayfish cooking contest today and I of course told him that I didn’t want to hear about it. M sent me a text saying he was at the event and that the gumbo was awesome. I texted back saying “call me right now!” My phone rang right away, M asking “Flat, is everything OK?” My reply was “Yes, everything is OK, I just wanted to hang up on you.” Then I hung up. He promptly texted me saying that his mouth was having an orgasm from eating the blackened cajon shrimp.

Yes, this is an example of our lame sense of humor, but it works for us.

When he calls me tonight, I’m going to find out how many colanders he has. I think I could deal with it if he has 3, but 4 would tell me that he’s totally out of my league.

Seriously, though, I’m going to tell him that he can fly out next weekend. It will put him in my homeground, thus giving me more control over the situation. I’m not sure if that makes a whole lot of sense to anyone but me. I’m not comfortable in large cities at the best of times, and I’ve never been to Houston.

M is an “evil oil guy” (I do say that to him) and has “new” money. His wife’s son is a year older than me, M hasn’t fathered any children that he’s aware of.

Cat Whisperer, you nailed it by saying “I think the $2000 cheque is confusing you because it’s inappropriate at this stage of what relationship you may have with him.”

We have exchanged small gifts in the past. Run T-shirts and salsa from me, a coffee cup that says “Instant human, just add coffee”, chocolate covered strawberries and a beat up paperback copy of Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos from him. I had food delivered to his house when his wife died.

I didn’t ask him for money. We talk about what’s happening in our lives and I did bring up my financial woes, not because I was hinting that I wanted money, just because its a part of my life now. I don’t think I will discuss money problems with him anymore.

We’ve both felt slightly guilty about our friendship because it seemed like we were cheating on our SO’s, despite the fact that we have never done more than shake hands that one time.

Diogenes the Cynic M already has a domestic servant. From what he’s told me, he’s had the same housekeeper for over 10 years.

Which brings up the money thing again. I know he started out dirt poor and remembers how it feels to count pennies, but now he lives in a totally different world than I do. I’d be totally intimidated by having someone clean up after me. I’d feel obligated to not only take my coffee cup to the kitchen, but to rinse it and put in the dishwasher right away so she wouldn’t think I’m a slob.

Confusion is happening again.:frowning:

20

Yes, it’s almost as if a bunch of random people with varying degrees of experience and wisdom are just guessing based on a limited understanding of the situation. :wink:

I think your suggestion to have him fly out to you is an excellent one. You are probably going to feel confused for a while. I really don’t think it’s about the money so much as where you are both at right now, emotionally. Relationships can work despite income disparities and it may even make you stronger as a couple, as each of you brings a different perspective to the concept of financial management. But neither of you are really in a place to get all mixed up like that. And before things do get that serious, there needs to be an extended conversation and an agreement and preferably a written plan* about how money will be handled.

*I admit my husband and I tend to be a little overzealous in the planning and documentation department, but I think it makes us feel more in control and we can trust we’re on the exact same page. The point is to do what works for you!

For now, though, just enjoy yourselves. Let him buy you dinner and roses, by all means, and feel the fluttery feelings in your stomachs, and just enjoy a new and fresh and exciting thing for what it is without worrying too much about the future.