I’m soliciting doper opinions on the economic issues between significant others. Some studies have shown that relationships do better if the people in them come from similar economic backgrounds and have similar earning potential. It has been argued that unless there is economic parity between partners, the specter of financial repression and manipulation will enter into the relationship.
I tend to disbelieve this. Speaking anecdotally only, Mrs. Mercotan and I have a significant wage gap. This is partly due to our choosing to have her be a full-time mom until the kids were in school, then turn into a part-time worker whose schedule was flexible enough to put the kids needs first (their wants were a different issue). But it is also partly due to an inherent difference in our earning potential based on educational and career paths we chose. It seems to have served us well.
What experiences have other dopers had? How do you feel if your spouse is bringing in 6 figures and you’re in the 4 figure range? Have income increases changed your relationship dynamics? And how so?
I dunno. Morelin and I have gone from making roughly the same, to her making most of the money (cause I quit work to go to school), to now my making about 25% more than she does. I come from upper-lower middle class stock and her family’s upper-middle class.
However, we have A Budget and A System. We have seperate checking accounts and keep a current budget. So she, for example, pays the rent and the phone bill, while I pay for the car, water, power, DSL. Once the bills are paid, we’re basically free to do what we want with whatever’s left over, though in practice I’m “in charge” of the finances, in terms of planning for stuff and saying “Let’s try and save some money this month” or something like that. I hate to use the term “in charge”, because it sounds like I’m saying, “Here’s your allowance, sugartits, don’t spend it all in one place.” It’s more like, “We’ve spent a lot this month, let’s try and hold it down next month.”
We haven’t had a lot of money problems and our priorities are pretty similar. For example, we’ll probably need some new furniture when we move, so we’re talking about buying video games and getting a pet. No angst here.
Interesting question.
We are hardly wealthy, which I think diminishes any “class difference”, but until recently my partner was the breadwinner. Since being laid off and finding a much lower paying job, we’ve been largely supported by my income for the past year or so.
Neither one of us comes from a wealthy family background, we’re both firmly in the lower middle class- my family looks almost exactly like the family on Roseanne.
We’ve certainly had arguments about money, but for the most part neither of us takes money all that seriously- the bills get paid and food is on the table, y’know. The one significant exception to this is when he was between jobs- we managed to make ends meet on my paycheck by cutting expenses, but he was pretty hard to live with during that time. He’s the type of guy who resents having to rely on somebody else.
My wife and I came from similar backgrounds, financially speaking, but have always been far apart on the money earning.
She used to make a little more than half of what I did, then that grew to a third, and when it hit 1/5th she decided to become a homemaker (with my full blessing, it was amazing to come home to a hot dinner and a clean house every night). All of these changes were due to my getting huge raises (gotta love the dot-com era) while her earnings stayed in the same order of magnitude.
Generally, the more money I made, the better our relationship was, because there were fewer sources of external stress on us (as we could now use money to make these problems go away). When we weren’t making as much, we’d argue more about the proper use of the money we did have.
But I never, not even once, played the “My Money” card. When we were budgeting, we each got an allowance, and hers was always about twice mine (primarily because she did the grocery shopping). I know for a fact that I can’t put any monetary value on the joy and happiness she brings to my life, and I’m just glad that my salary allows her to stay home and enjoy being a new mom without having to worry about day care and paying the bills.
Our situation is a bit different as we are still in college. However, barring drastic changes, I will be the primary breadwinner.
And that’s fine with me. I’m happy with the field I’m going into, and I want DH to be happy too. Whatever salaries we make, we’ll make it work somehow. Anything we make will be such a huge improvement over right now that we’ll still think we’re rich.
Although weirdly enough, he stands to actually inherit stuff from relatives one of these days. Maybe a bit o’ cash and a pretty decent amount of land. I won’t inherit anything from my family. Some of his family is actually “well off” but they don’t act or look like it. My family’s poor. I guess in the long run we balance each other.
I think the studies you refer to which suggest similar earning potential are useful to keep a marriage alive are really saying that similar education and background are good things for compatibility. I’m not sure anyone has ever proven that a wage gap is a problem for a marriage.
Personally, I think it is much more important that the two partners be partners in how the money is spent rather than in how much money is earned. They should communicate as much as possible to decide where to allocate their money and they should try as hard as they can to agree on those goals as much as possible.
I have an interesting reversal going on with my GF. We are both academically minded, but the choice of field will greatly affect earnings. She got an MA, and is earning over twice what I make as a grad student. Next month I get the PhD and will be earning around seven to ten times what she makes as she will be leaving her job to move with me and only doing freelance work. Of course if she ever gets a screenplay optioned that will get reversed again.
We just went over finances for our move and the stress of not being able to support herlself in the new location is getting to her. Most of it has to do with communication. Gotta keep each other as informed as possible about what you are thinking.
I know this matters more to my husband than it does to me. As engineers, our pay has been fairly close, with the higher earnings changing hands. Honestly, I don’t see it as an issue. We both have direct deposit, and money magically appears in the checking account regularly. I know how much only because I’m the primary bill-payer (he’d rather not bother with it and I like to know how much is coming in and going out.)
We make the big spending decisions together, and we each have our discretionary funds. We discuss our budget and plan accordingly.
I think we came from similar income backgrounds, although our parents had different fiscal outlooks, plus there were more kids in my family. I’ve learned to look at some things differently based on his view of money, and we’ve found what works for us. There’s no “mine” and “yours” - it’s all ours, no matter who earned what.
Interesting thread. Money is such a huge issue in relationships, especially if there’s a power struggle going on.
My ex and I fought about money ALL THE TIME. If he made more, he resented me for “not contributing anything” to the household. If I made more, he resented me for requiring that he pay his share of the bills instead of spending all of his money on booze and porn and going out with the guys. If I made a small percentage of what he did, he resented me for not being able to pay 50% of the bills.
When I had no income, he refused to budget any of HIS money for groceries to feed our family.
Every single payday was hell in our home. By the time I split up with him, I had no idea how much money he made or where it was going, or if the bills were being paid. (Turned out that, for the most part, they weren’t.)
At any rate, even though we fought about money, the real struggle had to do with power and equity in our relationship. It sounds like most folks who have posted here so far have a strong balance in their relationships that keeps cash from being a Big Horrid Issue.
Thank the heavens, I think that todd33rpm and I won’t fight about money. We have a similar philosophy that pretty much revolves around getting the bills paid and buying groceries, and maybe having some left over for ice cream and really good coffee. You gotta have priorities, y’know.
Dave makes 90% of our income. I work two part time jobs. When I’m not working any longer due to this pregnancy, he will make 100% of our income.
He has two degrees, I have none. However, the year before I left Canada, I made the same amount as he did in that year. I certainly have the earning potential (were I still able to work in my field), but choose my family over a stressful career.
And we’re the opposite. Lady Chance has always (except for 3 weeks in 1995) made more than I do.
Currently she makes more than twice what I do. No fooling.
We don’t have a ‘system’ per se. Way back when she maintained our checking account records in the standard check register. But when we went Quicken I’ve been the guy for the record keeping. I make sure all purchases are recorded and check what’s cleared online every day or two to make sure there are no train wrecks coming.
But it all goes into one checking account. Both of us direct deposit into it and I pay the bills and let Lady Chance know if there’s any problems like our checking account being low or such. We don’t clear small purchases with each other but do if it’s a larger purchase. There’s no set limit but we both in the same space in terms of ‘comfort’ zone on those.
And we have a few savings accounts but that’s because of 401ks and IRAs. Our savings that we maintain all goes into one pot. But all the 401ks that have been rolled into IRAs are person-specific.
And the kids each have their own savings that we throw into. Simple enough.
My wife makes about twice what I do (she’s a solution architect, I’m a system engineer, both for the same company).
I am perfectly fine with it. We are both paid very well, such that most of our wants and all of our needs are satisfied. Along those lines, I don’t care where the money comes from as long as it is there to serve us and work for us. If anything, her salary allows us to consider my homeschooling when/if our adoption goes through.
I make about a 1/3 more than the husband, and the gap will likely only widen.
It has never been a problem, (at least, not that I’m aware of)
Both our cheques get direct deposited into one account, and all the bills come out of that same account.
What makes life a little easier is we always seem to agree on major purchases, and neither of us has any particularly bad spending habits. He likes buying toys, and I probably spend more than I should on cosmetics. In the grand scheme of things - not a big deal.
My wife and I are nearly equal in our earnings. She is an exec at a large publishing house, and I am a Psychology Prof at a private college. However, I do have a business on the side designing eclectic interiors and landscapes. This was thought to only be a part time gig, but when it started paying very well, it became a more vested part of our income.
My wife and I both came from decidedly middle class families, it was not until we got married and really got on the right track with finances that we started to live quite comfortably.
Now, we are doing just fine. I could leave my current position at the college and do just fine with the design business. But I am a lifelong academian and really want to stay in the field.
What’s an acceptable wage gap? Whatever works for the partners involved. For some, everything has to be 50/50, or very nearly so. For some, it doesn’t matter if there’s a gap, as long as the guy’s in the lead. For some, neither partner gives a crap.
Right now, Dr.J makes roughly twice as much as I do. In a year and a half, that’ll be jumping to five or six times as much as I make. It was weird at first after his income tripled (especially as I had no job and no prospects at the time), but more for the lifestyle changes than for any shift in our relationship. Our standard of living went up quite a bit, and I suppose it probably will again when he starts making “doctor money” and we move to a place with a lower cost of living.
It hasn’t led to inequalities or power differentials in our relationship, though, and I don’t expect it to in the future. We contribute roughly equally, we just contribute in different ways. He makes more money, I spend more time taking care of the stuff we buy with the money. His job requires longer hours than mine, so I have more time and marginally more inclination to do housework, and yardwork. We both love our jobs, and it’s more important to him that I be happy and fulfilled than that I make as much money as he does.
Besides, I’m not sure I could ever make enough money to be worth it to him to have full responsibility for half the house, yard, litterboxes, and dog puke. Especially the dog puke. It’s gross.
For a time, my ex-husband worked full time while I went to school. Rent came out of my school loans but he took care of the bills. That worked for us, and being home meant I was able to keep house/cook/do the shopping/laundry etc. so our work load was equitable.
Later, after I graduated and began making some money, it seemed to me like he really had a problem with that. Like bodypoet said–it suddenly became all about where “his” money was going and since I could (barely) cover the bills with my income why shouldn’t his go directly into booze, drugs, or ridiculous frivolities. Eventually he quit his job altogether (being a junkie is a full-time job, you know) and that’s when I started to get really resentful. It would have been different if he’d stayed home and cared for the house as I’d done when our situations were reversed, but he didn’t. That was what really got me, not the $$ inequity, but the workload inequity. Obviously, there were other issues in the relationship but the money factor caused it to implode quite a bit sooner than it might have otherwise.
Lastly, I was in another relationship with a guy who made a bit less than I did, but who was sending 60–75% or more to his ex for child support. That was stressful because I felt upset for him, as well as annoyed that he wouldn’t take steps to get the amount adjusted based on his actual income (it had been decided upon before a lay-off from a well paying job). Basically I was supporting him and he threw in what he could (less than $100) on payday. When we broke up his first comment was
“I’ll make more money someday.” I never realized until then how much it must have bothered him. When he left he had to move back in with his parents.
My husband and I both have bachelor’s degrees. He earns at least four times more than I do. I work a part time job (three days a week) and he works his ass off. It is an acceptable gap for us because we both appreciate the fact that he’s the breadwinner, while I run the household. I handle all the money, but every major decision is decided by both of us. So I guess an acceptable gap would vary among couples and would depend on the the value of what each person contributes to the family aside from cash.
Mrs hawthorne makes 3-4 times what I do. The gap will grow. I’m an academic, she’s a barrister. It’s not been an issue for us. We have enough money and our respect for each other and our vocations has nothing to do with money.
I never realized until then how much it must have bothered him. When he left he had to move back in with his parents.