Is it me?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My husband and I have been married almost two years. We did not date long before getting married, which is probably some of the trouble today.

Last December, I left him for a couple of months due to his drinking and rants. He stopped drinking and I moved back. Shortly after moving back (April), he began to stop doing little things for me: notes in my lunch, e-cards, talking at supper and worse - sex.

While apart he kept telling me how I opened his eyes and this new guy I was seeing was the new him. He was attentive and affectionate and I could talk with him and he wouldn’t resort to childish tantrums (“that’s right, I’m an asshole, it’s all my fault”). I told him that I was afraid it was all a ruse to get me back and now I see that I was right.

We haven’t had sex since early June. He goes to work, comes home, eats when I tell him dinner is done and spends the rest of the night watching tv and playing on the computer. In the morning he rolls his cigarettes and rarely talks unless he wants to complain about work or neighbors.

I get up, make his lunch, make my lunch, go to work, come home, get the mail, make supper, wash the dishes, maybe do some laundry, take care of the pets, tidy up around the house and if I have some time or energy, I might do some crafts.

Most meals are spent in silence. I’ll ask questions, “how was your day?” or “anything interesting happen today?” and he will give an answer with as few words as possible. He does not ask me anything. So conversation is a struggle.

He doesn’t look at me when he does talk to me - he looks at the floor, the ceiling, out the window, anywhere but at me. I find this annoying, I’ve asked him why he can’t look at me but it continues.

Honestly, I’m on the verge of leaving again and if I do, I won’t be fooled into coming back.

But is it me? Am I not understanding like he says I’m not. He says that his job is physically demanding and that is why he doesn’t bother with sex- because he is tired.

Any thing I could try to see if things improve?

2

It sounds to me like the relationship is over. He may have had a drinking problem and done a lot of ranting, but you left for 2 months. That’s kind of a relationship ender in itself.

Have you tried to initiate sex? Are you still physically attractive enough that most men are interested? We all have limited breeding periods and women have a shorter window than men.

Try to see it from his point of view. What does sex cost him? What do you expect from him when he does it?

3

this sounds very much like a ‘dry drunk’ – a common reaction strategy of alcoholics who have stopped drinking (but have never believed that they were really alcoholics – either stopped on their own without getting treatment or just went through the motions at treatment). A clue: does he tell you about all his friends who ‘drank way more than me’?

Look at it dispassionately, and decide what you’re getting out of the relationship vs. what you are putting into it, and if you think it’s worthwhile.
(Personally, it doesn’t sound to me like there is much of a relationship left.

4

Look, this may sound obvious but the 2 months you were gone… he was lonely. His motives to get you back at the time may have been sincere but overall, nothing changed. Now, because he is fundamentally moody and unhappy, he can not get along with you. Now, it is a trap. He knew he was supposed to do better, but, he didn’t. He knew he needed to change, but, he didn’t.

Move on, find someone better… any guy should appreciate that you love them and want to help and be a part of their life. He is not capable. Move on…

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

5

What a ridiculous statement. Are you making that assumption due to menopause? People don’t only have sex to have babies, and statistically most men begin experiencing erectile dysfunction in their 50s, the same time women generally begin menopause. So let’s just throw that out the window.

OP -
I am, however, interested what happens when you try to initiate sex? It also sounds like the two of you are very stuck in a routine. Have you considered going out on a date night? Is it possible to sit him down and TELL him your concerns? Ask him if he actually wants to continue down this road? Ask him if he would be interested in seeing a counselor together to work on your differences?

2 months is a long time to be separated. I agree that you should look at your relationship dispassionately and see if it’s worth the effort you’re putting into it. When you look into your future do you see yourself HAPPY with him, still?
That being said - don’t allow him to discredit your emotions or gaslight you into thinking that you’re being crazy about feeling the way you do. Your emotions are valid - so are his.

6

You are describing my exBF. For almost six years, I asked myself over and over, “Is it him or is it me?” Honey, it’s him. Seriously.

7

Does he have any relatives you could ask for advice?

8

What stands out to me is that you seem to be doing 100% of the housework. That’s ridiculous. Sounds to me like he mostly missed having a live-in maid.

I suspect you can do better.

9

Be aware that you’re allowed only one change of username, so make certain that we’ve answered correctly before you become itisme or itisntme.

10

Can’t look you in the eye? Won’t converse?

It’s not you, it’s him. And whatever his issue is, he’s unhappy. Set both of you free and end it.

Or you could spend several months or years pondering who and/or what is at fault and how can it be fixed. But seriously, if he won’t converse and he can’t look you in the eye, what’s the point?

I think you know this is true, and I think you know what you have to do. Just do it, stop agonizing over it, it’s not helping him or you!

Good Luck!

11

An old saying: the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic is that when the heavy drinker stops his problems are over. When the alcoholic stops his problems have just begun.

12

So, you both work yet you’re making his lunch, cooking his meals, cleaning the house, and doing his laundry. Yet he can’t even be bothered to look at you when he talks to you.

I would be out of there so fast, his head would spin. You need to ask yourself why you think you don’t deserve better than that.

13

I’m surprised you’re not gone already. I would be.

14

Initiate sex? Why on earth would she initiate sex with this catatonic asshole? Walk out, don’t look back.

15

His esteem is fucked, he’s depressed, hates work people, few friends? Is he obese, rubbish social skills, family issues?

No idea but sounds like he’s totally in a hole to me. The only thing you can say with some certainty is he needs help, maybe some tenderness and even a non-sexual cuddle.

16

This stood out to me too (among other things people have commented on).

It’s called a partnership for a reason. Duties are divided. For my Wife and I, we both do a bit of everything for the household. To make both of us happier.

Because of schedules, and abilities, I do more of some things, and she does more of others. It’s never even discussed.

17

The problem is you. You decided to stay married to a jerk.

18

Over, Done. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

19

He sounds like he is majorly depressed. Low sex drive is a very common symptom of depression, as is flat affect, low energy, and not wanting to interact. It may be a symptom of his quitting alcohol, or it may be that he was treating his depression with alcohol and they reinforced each other. Depression does not have to be a life sentence, he can get help in the form of drugs, and therapy. Going to AA might also help with his depression.
Depression is a sickness and you promised “In sickness and in health”, this sucks but it can get better.

20

While you’ve received a lot of feedback to exit the marriage, I’ll focus this reply on a couple of things that stand out to me in reference to your asking if there is potential for improving the relationship:

  1. He used to do sweet things for you - notes in your lunch, etc…so he is capable of expression, but you state he stopped doing them following the period when you left him and then retuned. My thought: when someone walks out of a relationship it shakes up the foundation of trust in the party that is being left. They may experience feelings of abandonment which can render them closed off to making themselves vulnerable in the relationship again. Perhaps this may apply to him - does he have a history of being walked out on by person/s he loved/trusted? Could your brief departure have set something - like an old wound - off in him? Just a thought.

  2. Making his meals and overseeing the home maintenance single-handedly: did he ask you to do this? does he expect it? or have you volunteered for the tasks and now feel martyred by the burden? As gently as I can: stop mothering him. Men don’t want to have sex with their mother. I don’t wish to sound blaming with that bit of advice because it certainly sounds as if the neglect of the sexual aspect of your relationship may have many more components to it than that of the mothering nature you provide him. I just suggest that maybe if you were to stop doing those tasks for him it might be helpful in terms of improving the situation - it could force him to act like a big boy.