As the breathless followers of my MPSIMS thread about being too happy (you’ll have to read it for context) will know, there is no sex between me and my husband. We’ve been together for nearly 26 years, we stopped having sex on any regular basis after around 5 years, and we haven’t been naked together at all in more than 10. We don’t sleep in the same room but that’s more about me being a very restless sleeper with a CPAP, and then we got used to having our own spaces. We are very affectionate, and we share everything except our bodies and our beds. Please note: I am not asking you to diagnose or attempt to fix this. What I want are your stories.
So if you are half of a gay male couple that has been together for more than, say, 10 years, please share - how is your sex life with your partner/husband? If it’s not great, or if it’s non-existent like mine, tell me how you cope. If it is good or great, tell me how you made that happen.
Actually, anyone in a long term relationship, where one is interested in sex and the other one isn’t, can join in the fun.
I’m not even in an LTR, but my mother’s side of the family believes there is no such thing as TMI when it comes to people’s sex lives.
My maternal grandmother complained that their sex life had gone downhill after grandpa’s prostate operation (age 81); they were still having sex but apparently he didn’t last as long as he used to. After his first TIA (age 92), penetrative sex became rare. But they’re an ideal couple only if you think that “an untrustworthy bastard married to a paranoiac, fighting and having make-up sex” is ideal.
My parents stopped having sex in their early 50s. Health issues on both sides, coupled with Dad having scruples about “mutual masturbation” (I got this info from Mom; I’m sure Dad would have been chagrined to hear that such details had reached my ears).
Do you want to hear from people who are not gay, but who are in a long term relationship, and who still have sex? Or just how to cope if you are not having sex?
You said
So I don’t know what you are asking for.
If you want an answer to the question “is it OK if I have sex with some Japanese guy” I am not the one you should be asking.
My husband and I have been together more than 30 years, and we still have an active love life. We’ve never been the kind of people who are content with doing the same old things forever, and have always filled our sex life with as much variety as possible. For example we’re practitioners of “tantric sex”, and are not limited to putting tab A into slot B. And there’s the fact that I’m 20 years older than my husband. So if I’m feeling tired, he just takes the initiative, like sucking on my fingers or toes, to get me started. I really don’t understand how you and your husband don’t have a sex life. If you really love each other, why not express that love romantically? Or do you really not love each other?
My partner and I have been together for 20 years and seem to be in a somewhat similar situation to yours. We do still sleep in the same bed and are naked together a lot, but the frequency of sex dwindled dramatically between the fifth and tenth year, and is now rare. I don’t know how we cope with it, with us it’s just something that we’ve grown into and accept.
This is hearsay, but my Uncle Billy (not his real name) and his partner Bob (not his real name) were together for 45 years and still (as far as I could tell) in love and devoted to each other. Then Billy died suddenly and unexpectedly a couple of years ago, and Bob recently told me that they had stopped having physical contact 30 years ago. This included even clothed hugging. They had separate bedrooms. Bob told me that every now and then Billy would come into Bob’s room when Bob was in bed and lie down, fully clothed, next to Bob outside the covers. Billy’s death has devastated Bob and he is still grieving deeply, missing Billy and the life they built and shared. FWIW.
Conflate much? It seems you’re approaching this thing with blinders. Sex does not equal romance, nor does affection equal sex. Sex can be a part of such, certainly, but I’ve never found it to be a prerequisite.
I really don’t understand why you only want to hear about gay couples. If this problem exists at all, doesn’t it exist among all genders and sexualities?
I don’t know what my husband and I are doing right. We just love each other and love expressing it.
I am in a long term relationship, I am not gay, and it is not the case that one is interested in sex and the other isn’t. Do you want input from people like me, or not?
I certainly read your comment as “not knowing what the OP was asking for” with respect to what the purpose of our input is, since you quoted his text on “not wanting a fix”. I think that was the part of the OP he was repeating for your benefit.
No, it really is an essential part of an adult romantic relationship. If both partners slowly lose all their sex drive, ok do whatever, but it’s not reasonable for just one of them to decide sex is never happening again.
Me and my wife have gone through periods when neither of us was in the mood. For a variety of reasons, work schedules, physical things and just being annoyed with each other for a while. But one of us still eventually made the first move and we never go over a week without. To be blunt, in many ways it’s an obligation. If you have a garden then you have to do some gardening. I am not saying sex is a chore for us but sometimes turning your mind to it is.
Specifically to the OP:
An active sex life is important to your happiness and feeling of self worth. It should not be abandoned due to laziness or neglect. If you said to your partner “I need sex once a month, goddamn minimum. Enough is enough.” what would they say?
OK - as I read this, you do want input from all couples regardless of orientation. If no sex, how or why, and how do you cope. If sex, how did you keep it going?
Married 26 years, hetero, and yes to sex. We’ve had a few breaks for surgery and recovery, but other than that regular sex the whole time. Early on the hormones and being in luuurve kept it going pretty easily. After that, I think we both made it a priority to keep the closeness. Sometimes it’s him starting things up, sometimes it’s me. I know that he misses it if it doesn’t happen regularly, so I’ll initiate if he doesn’t for some reason. Having kids in the house made things a little harder. You could say that the other rooms aren’t getting the use they used to, but we manage. They’ll learn to knock some day - maybe the hard way. :eek:
I’ll be honest. There are times when he wants to, and I don’t, but I make it a point not to turn it down unless I’ve got a really good reason. I always end up having a good time, and it’s important to the relationship.
So what the hell does the OP want? I am in a long term relationship, I am not gay, and it is not the case that one is interested in sex and the other isn’t. Do you want input from people like me, or not?
He doesn’t want advice, he doesn’t want a fix. The part where he said
was addressed to gay males. The part for anyone in a long-term relationship was addressed to
If it turns out that he wants to hear from anyone, that’s fine. If he wants to hear how I made my non-gay long-term relationship have a good or great sex life, then I repeat what I said earlier.
I didn’t do it by asking anonymous strangers on a messageboard, and I didn’t do it by re-connecting with an old fling on Facebook. I did it by asking my wife.
You want my story? That’s my story. If you only want to hear from gay people or people who don’t have sex, don’t ask me.
As stated in his OP, coping strategies from those in sexless marriages.
Stories about happy marriages.
I did not take his omission of happy, straight married couples as meaningful or intentional, just an incomplete thought.
To me it’s clear: The man is sad and struggling and he’s reaching out for help and advice. He’s gay so he’s asking folks like him, but then as he was writing he decided to open it up to everyone. He was incomplete in his final thought, but his intent was clear: Folks who can sympathize or help him cope, please chime in.
You seem intent on maintaining your righteous indignation at not being asked your opinion, Shodan. Frankly, you seem mostly annoyed that the OP has another thread about fantasizing a hook up with an old flame after 16 years of married celibacy. I’m little more sympathetic myself even if the OP is partially to blame. It’s just an IMHO thread.
I am trying to figure out if he wants my opinion, or not. If he does, I’ve given it. If not, it will probably work out as well as “tell me what I want to hear” usually works out on the SDMB
I’m in a happy hetero marriage but we went through dry spells, especially when the kids were young. It was hard to cope, despite being happy with each other in other ways.
We made the decision just to start having more sex- even if we were tired, feeling unattractive, stressed. We would give it the old college try. We found that having more sex made us want more sex, and it was a positive feedback loop.
So maybe you and your husband could trying being more physically sexual- even a little bit. Who knows, it might spark something bigger.
This doesn’t look like a tell me what I want to hear thread at all. Like I said, you just seem offended by his other thread and want to make a show of it.