The relationship is a long-term romantic relationship, either married or together so long that you might as well be.
The relationship had sex to start with.
There has not been sex for about a year, and there is no sex in the forseeable future, either for a physical reason (counting things like depression in treatment), or because the person just doesn’t want it. Otherwise, the relationship is average in all regards.
What do you do, dopers? What do you do?
Elaborate below, since I know that everyone has their own little quirks (“I’d leave, but only if it were on a Tuesday and he’d left the toilet seat up…”)
Stay, no hesitation about that, but keep working on whatever the issue is that’s stopping the sex (from my limited life experence, it’s usually stress/depression related and those are treatable).
If it was a physical reason, then I would accept as part of the ‘for better or for worse’ that I signed up for. Sometimes you just gotta be a bit more inventive and a bit looser of your definition of sex, and find something that works for both of you.
I would stay if it were because of a physical condition.
I couldn’t be with someone who simple didn’t want to have sex with me, or wasn’t attracted to me in that way…then we’d just be friends and I’d find another person to have a relationship with.
I screwed up when I posted my response–I meant to put, “stay if it’s due to a physical condition” instead of “stay no matter what.”
I recognize that shit happens, and that sometimes that shit means no nookie. If someone’s going through, say, a medical treatment that makes sex not happening, then that’s something that I would deal with. If someone were being actively treated for depression, then that’s also something I’d have to deal with, at least as long as the person were actively trying to get better.
If it’s just because the person doesn’t want to, though? I would be gone. For me, it comes down to respecting the other person’s needs. If you don’t want to have sex anymore–and you wanted to at the outset–you have no right to keep me in the relationship under those terms. And it’s not as though that need for physical intimacy can be met by those outside the relationship (if the relationship is monogamous, anyway; I’m not getting into polyamory, since that significantly changes the meaning of what I’m asking here). You’d be forcing the other person to do completely without–no negotiation, no compromise. Screw that.
ETA–this is assuming that the other person is okay with there being no sex.
I’d stay if the relationship were good and if I felt that reasonable steps were being taken to get back to a situation that included sex. If I felt like there was no good faith effort being made, or if there had been a change in the partner’s feelings toward me, I’d probably leave. I would view these things not as problems because they lead to no sex but as problems because they change or devalue the relationship.
I would stay, but I would expect my wife to let me sleep with other women. We’re actually in a similar situation. We have sex once or twice a month but she is only doing it out of obligation. As soon as she gets over the fear that I would leave for another woman (which I have no interest in doing), I’ll be free to get it elsewhere.
That actually sums up my feelings pretty well, too. I don’t find sex to be essential to a good relationship, but I think that a change in our sexual relationship that is that dramatic and that extended is symptomatic of some other, very serious problems. If nothing is being done about those issues, I’m probably not going to stick around indefinitely.
If there is some physical issue that prevents sex, there is nothing we can do about it, and our relationship is otherwise happy, then I wouldn’t leave solely over that.
If you were in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down and were incapable of ever having sex again you’d be happy to let your wife have sex with other men? Just curious.
I couldn’t do it. I adore sex, and without it or even the possibility of it, I’d feel like something essential to me and my human experience was missing. It’s just such a vibrant, beautiful, fun thing. How could I give that up?
If there was a physical issue, I could see working out an “arrangement” where I have NSA sex with other guys.
Yes. And even then I would have to really, really love him. A lot.
Edit: I’ve changed my mind. I can’t live with just kissing and petting. Sorry. Move one “Female, but would stay if it were due to something physical” over to “I’m out. Peace.”
If I were in that kind of accident, I doubt I’d be happy about any part of it. No doubt lots of things in my life would change, probably mostly for the worse.
But absolutely I wouldn’t expect my SO to go without sex for the rest of his life. Why would I? To prove something about how special I am? To make absolutely sure that he doesn’t decide to leave me (as if that would be effective?) I just don’t see the point. I’d want my SO to live a happy and full life, ideally with me in it. And if that means we have to make some unusual arrangements, I’d rather do that than try to ask him to abstain forever just to calm my ego. Of course it’d be difficult to deal with, but it’s just one of many difficult things that you have to deal with when you are injured like that!
I’d have a really really hard time of it. Sex is one of the things that makes this world worthwhile. I firmly believe it is one of the things that separates us from the animals, that we can have sex whenever we want to, just for pleasure, and that we, men and women, can get so much pleasure out of it.
If I was paralyzed it might take me a bit of time to come around to it but I know I would be the first one to tell him to go outside of the relationship. I would not be that broken up over purely physical cheating even now.
Yes, I would let her have sex with other men under those circumstances. In fact, if she came to me right now and said, “We don’t have sex because I don’t like having sex with you. I want to have sex with other men,” I would let her. It’s just sex. To me, sex and love are not intertwined. I don’t think she would love me any less just because another man’s penis was in her vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn’t go that far. I’m pretty much with **sven **on that matter, but if my old man said, “I’m going to go fuck other broads now,” I’d say, “Have fun with that. Twas nice knowin’ ya.” No, love and sex are not necessarily intertwined (in fact I’ve never loved any of the people I’ve shagged except the ones I was in a serious relationship with) but I thought part of being in a committed relationship was not boning other people, barring any extenuating circumstances like, say, becoming suddenly crippled.
I was the lone (so far) vote for the nitpicky answer. So, here’s my nitpicky answer:
I’m kind of in this situation now with my husband. It’s not due to a physical condition, but we have two children - the second was born in November - and he just changed jobs to one that requires a lot of overtime. By the time we do get to spend time together, it’s late and the both of us are exhausted, so it just doesn’t happen. Plus, having a baby hanging on to me when I’m not working makes me touched out by the end of the day, so gearing up for that type of activity can be difficult.
That said, we’ve decided to make time for it, even if it means scheduling it. Not exactly romantic, but it’s something both of us miss very much, and we never wanted to be roommates.
So, yeah, I’d stay as long as it was something we were working on.