Seems like every time there’s a discussion about sexual compatibility, or pre-marital abstinence, or whatever, dozens of people pop in to chime in that sex is absolutely vital to the health of a relationship, that no sex (or no sex of a certain type) is an absolute deal-breaker, that it’s a HUGE deal in any human relatinship, etc. I read that stuff no sex being an absolute deal-breaker and I think, “So, if your spouse became physically incapable of having sex with you, you’d hit the door running? Boy howdy, that’s some loving relationship you’ve got there!” Of course, I realize that a) we’re talking about a fairly skewed sample, since only people who have a dog in that fight are going to post and b) there’s probably more than a touch of hyperbole at work.
Among the people I know in real life, sex just doesn’t seem to be essential to the functioning of their relationship. It’s great, and some wish there was more of it, but it’s not that big a deal. That makes me wonder about skewed sampling and about people understating their opinions.
So I throw it open to all the Dopers: just where on the importance continuum is sex for you, personally? Would you dump someone over having a different sex drive than you? Would you dump someone who originally had a similar sex drive over a drop in libido? Would it make a difference how long you’d been together? Would it make a difference why they’d had a drop in libido?
Personally, the physical part of sex is a somewhat big deal, I guess. It’s nice and all, but a way distant second the mental/emotional part of sex. Without the mental/emotional stuff, I don’t see a whole lot of reason to bother with the physical stuff. I simply cannot imagine leaving Dr.J over a lack of sex. A lack of emotional intimacy, yes, but not sex. That just doesn’t fit into my concept of loving someone.
For me, it really depends on other factors. If I really like the other person for various other reasons (they’re funny, caring, amiable, etc) then sex is a ‘great if it happens, okay if it doesn’t’ type of thing. If there was a drop in the other person’s libido, I’d probably wait it out- who knows, they might get better. If they are a person I want to spend the rest of my life with, then I’m willing to be patient about it. Would I dump them for it? Hell no. I haven’t had any relationships that solely revolved around sex. I also can’t do the friends-with-benefits thing; I can’t detach myself that much emotionally.
I actually experimented with casual sex and I discovered that even if I don’t have a strong emotional attachment before, the act has a way of creating that emotional bond. I also think of sex on a more emotional and less physical level.
A big part of this stems from performance anxiety. But rather than let that eat me up inside, I’ve focused on other aspects of sex itself- not just intercourse. And while I used to think this problem was a handicap for me, I realized now that it actually helped me to mature quite a bit. It sort of forced me to find something deeper about sex than just physical gratification.
Perhaps if you have relationships where there is a large difference in sex drive, there may be problems for the hornier partner- if they are in a committed relationship, one person really wants to have sex and the other person doesn’t, then one person might get frustrated. They can’t have sex with someone else becasue they are in a commited relationship- they can’t have sex with the person they want to because the other person might not be interested. So I can imagine for some people this can be an issue.
I wouldn’t dump them over having a different sex drive, etc. I would probably dump them if they made no efforts whatsoever to compromise.
And yes, sex is very important to me - but say if he wasn’t interested, I would be OK as long as he understood I have to do something. That’s why I’ve got a vibrator, right? As long as we had a healthy relationship.
My ex was less interested in sex than me, my current is more interested. Both times we both had to make compromises.
I wouldn’t, but I think the relationship would indeed be somewhat doomed. But this is mostly an age thing, I guess. At 22, I’m not into life-long relationships (yet).
Sex is very important in my marriage. It’s a bond, it’s a private party, it’s a compliment, it’s a thrill. It’s me and Drachillix against the world and we are taking names, kicking ass and sending Christmas cards. If I were unable to have sex with my husband the way we do now, we would find another way. We both know we’re not always going to be this healthy and this young and this part of our marriage will evolve. We decided to love each other and know this means constant little changes to accomodate each others needs at the time. Work schedules, housekeeping, sleep patterns and sex all make a marriage. I don’t wish I had more food or more sleep or more sex: I tell my husband what I need and he provides because he loves me and wants to fill my needs. If it can happen, he makes it happen. If it can’t happen, he tells me why and I wait until it can. When we both do this, we’re all good.
Sex is part of the choice we made when we married. I wanted Drachillix because of his ethics, his cheerful nerdiness and the happy chemical accident that we create. I wouldn’t have married him if he had lacked sex appeal anymore than if he had lacked humor.
Sex is an important part of our relationship, but not absolutely vital. It’s important to me that my husband be physically attracted to me as well as emotionally and mentally. I’d like to be physically attracted to him (and I am), but that physical attraction is partly physical (I think he’s hot), but even more mental (you know - someone who’s gorgeous seems less physically attractive if they’re an asshole than someone who’s pretty average but is really nice and funny). I enjoy the act of sex, both for physical and emotional reasons, and I do crave it. However, my husband currently has a minor medical problem that makes sex in certain positions…uncomfortable for him. If he really wants sex, and so do I, I’m perfectly willing to make accommodations for him so it’s enjoyable for both of us. If at some point he is physically incapable of having sex for a prolonged period of time, or if he ever develops a significant revulsion to some part of sex I enjoy, provided his personality doesn’t change, we’d find a way to work around it. If his personality did change, though, like he suddenly started acting like and ass or told me he was repulsed by me or some portion of my anatomy, that would be the deal-breaker, not the sex.
Ahhh, but with those people in real life, you couldn’t have a frank talk about this subject or about the subject in my thread. I grant you that some of the opinons are exaggerated, but if I were to guess whether real life attitudes are closer to polite conversation or the opinions expressed on this board. The board would be my choice.
I would say that sex plays a huge role in my life. More than I am comfortable with. I don’t like the fact that when I’m feeling real frisky I can’t seem to get any work done. I don’t like that fact that my idle thoughts invariably wanders to sex. I wonder how much of my flirtacious rapport with women is wrapped up in my sexuality. (Meaning would I be dull fuddy duddy, if I didn’t have this sex drive). Am I nothing more than a genetic recombination cruise missile?
I have dumped women who have a far lower sex drive.
I wouldn’t dump someone who experienced a drop in sex drive. Hard lessen learned that there is always a drop in the initially heat of attraction, so you have to find someone with whom you have a spark, and can live with when the flames die down.
The reason is important. If they are no longer making an effort, it might indicate their true feeling for you.
Of course, there’s a difference between being physically incapable of having sex, and being able but unwilling. In particular, if one person is withholding sex as a way of punishing, controlling, or manipulating the other, there’s a problem that goes beyond mere lack of sex.
One generalization I’ve heard—I don’t know how much if any validity it has—is that, for many men, sex is emotional intimacy, in that a lack of sex is perceived as a lack of love. Whereas women place less importance on sex and more on touching, cuddling, and romantic gestures.
Yep, but its not what you think. I might be physically able to have sex but emotionally exhausted. I may have stress in my life. I may just feel very unsexy. My poor husband had to live with years of a reduced sex drive from me because at the end of the day I was “touched out” from having dealt with small children and their constant needs. And, I don’t know about anyone else, but if I’m not into being sexy I don’t get aroused - then intercourse hurts and the non-intercourse methods really aren’t very effective. I’m not very good at the “disinterested hand job.”
Just because someone doesn’t want to have sex doesn’t mean they are punishing, controlling or manupulating the other person. I agree that sucks. But sometimes a person is really “not in the mood.”
The implication that “hey, your pussy still works and you are my partner, you should put out” is offensive.
By the way, it works the other way as well. When one partner is not interested and the other partner manupulates/guilts the person into having sex, or punishes them for the lack of sex, that sucks too.
I’ve always felt that sex in a relationship is like yeast in baking.
Compared to rest of the things two people need, it’s a relatively tiny ingredient, but it’s essential.
Of course, there are recipes that don’t call for yeast, and there are sometimes substitutes, but you won’t get the same final product, and you have to acknowledge that.
It’s very important. As Chris Rock says “a relationship is mostly eatin’ and fuckin’…if you don’t like fuckin’ a person and you don’t like eatin’ with them, you don’t need to be in a relationship”.
It’s pretty much true.
Also, there is an unwritten rule (well, it was up until just now when I wrote it) that it’s not considered cheating if a partner refuses to put out for more than…say…90 days.
Not exactly. Sex to men is like going to the bathroom or getting a haircut. It’s a biological function that needs to be taken care of but we can pretty much do it without any kind of emotional involvement.
Don’t worry, it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what’s happening.
But something like that did happen with my ex. He wasn’t a very sexual person and I often felt like I had to beg for sex. When we did have sex, he didn’t seem to care at all if I enjoyed it or not. I’m not the best person in bed, but I tried my hardest to make him happy. When I asked him about it, he would just respond that he wasn’t a sexual person. But, he never gave me compliments on my figure or, in general, just made me feel sexy. I wondered many times if he was gay. Now we’re broken up and we get together every once in a while to do it. But, I would never, ever date him again. Sometimes people have low sex drives. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. If there had been no other problems and if he had made an effort to care about my sexual unhappiness, we might not have broken up, but who knows. I am a very sexual person, so I don’t know what I’d do if I fell in love with someone and they had no sex drive. I don’t think I’d be able to stand it, but who knows, maybe when that situation arrives, I wont be horny all the time and sex won’t matter.
One thing to remember is that sex is one of the very few things that we promise to restrict when we commit to a relationship. I can still eat, drink, socialize, travel, etc. with people other than my wife, but sex is OUT.
If she were a vegetarian, I could still eat meat with friends or when she is out working. If she hated blowjobs, that’s it, Cheesesteak doesn’t get another blowjob, ever. If she and I were incompatable sexually, I would forever more have an unsatisfying sex life.
Eh, that’s less of a rule than a rationalization to assuage the conscience of someone who lacks the cajones to actually break up with someone over a lack of sex. If you’re fucking around behind your partner’s back, it’s cheating. Period. End of discussion. No qualifiers. (And before someone brings up polyamory, that’s pretty much never behind the partner’s back. Poly folks tend to be upfront and honest about who they’re sleeping with, and since that’s part of the contract of their relationship, it’s not cheating.)
There’s no such thing as “physically incapable of having sex.”
If my spouse became physically incapable of certain kinds of sex, of course I’d stay, but if she refused to participate in any kind of sex with me, I’d be a bitter, angry man.
