Human society, one may say, is run by a lust or thirst for sex. It’s everywhere. Sex is a basic human instinct and drive, and sexual encounters are considered some of life’s most blissful, wonderful, indescribable moments.
People have sex - and enjoy it - in sooooo many different environments: with people they and with people they don’t love, doing it quickly and taking one’s time, doing this or doing that.
However, I have never understood what the big deal is about. I thought getting married would change that, since I could have sex. Nope. Nada. Nothing. It’s enjoyable, sure. But I can think of better things to do with my time (reading, learning, hanging out with friends).
So, what’s up with the big deal about sex? What’s so out-of-this-world about it?
I found that sex seemed like a big deal until I’d had a lot of it. Now it just seems overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex, it’s fun and can be really meaningful. But it’s also a huge headache. For too many people, it brings way too much emotional baggage along with it.
I joke that the stereotype is that the man is always wanting sex, and the woman always says no, but in my case, the woman is always wanting sex, and the man always says no.
I’m going to second everything Attrayant said. I couldn’t have sex with someone just for the sake of sex… there has to be an emotional bond there. The only person I have willingly had sex with is my husband and it is intimate and a great way to spend some time together and work off the day’s stresses. I didn’t always understand why sex was so special either as the only experiences I had were people trying to hurt me or force sex on me. When done right though and with the right person it is wonderful.
Sex is like oxygen, its no big deal until you aren’t getting any. On a serious note it just sounds like you have a low sex drive WeRSauron or maybe you aren’t doing it right. Do you ever masturbate for pleasure? Do you find it more enjoyable if you do? It could be that you and your wife just aren’t sexually compatible…
I’m with you, WRS. I have never seen why people get so worked up about sex. Sure, it can be entertaining, I suppose, but there are so many other activities to be done, that I can’t see why people spend so much time and effort on this one activity. So don’t worry, you’re not the only one who sees nothing special about sex.
I will tell you that it’s not amusing, not in the least. Sex is meant to be enjoyed by the married couple and if your levels of desire are not remotely in sync, it will cause you problems down the road.
It wasn’t until long after my divorce that I learned that not only was I quite sexy, but that he was pretty much asexual. I’ve heard this from his second wife too, so it’s not like I’ve made up some explanation for our lack of sex.
My take on our sex life was that I was damn lucky to have two children.
I was in a relationship where I wanrted more sex than my boyfriend.
It’s not amusing. It was actually really painful. I felt so rejected on so many levels.
I was young then and I just didn’t realize that sexual appetites don’t always match up, even when other parts opf the personality do.
However, thinking about it still brings me a lot of pain.
Having to debate whether or not I wanted to break up with someone who was an excellent friend just over sex made me feel really… sexually perverted or something.
You say that you are married, so now you can have sex. I have noticed that it is those (within my experience) who wait until marriage that tend to enjoy it least. I am not sure if putting it off for so long changed the way you look at it, if the same ideas that inspired you not to have it until marriage resulted in a less than healthy view of it, or just lack of experience.
Very few people in my experience have described their first sexual relationship as nearly as good as later ones. It takes a while to learn what you like and need, and often this learning is facilitated by starting over again with someone new.
I can definitely say for myself that sexual relationships (as a trend) have improved for me. God forbid I would have had to remain with my first partner (she wanted to get married).
There should be dating groups just for people like you, so you can get married to other people who aren’t interested in sex, or who aren’t capable of enjoying it.
That way you won’t trap normal, healthy people into sex-less marriages.
Please, can people stop telling the OPer that “he must not be doing it right”? Talk about a cliche, and it even just supports his point!
I am not a scientist, so the following is mostly conjecture, but I believe it fits the evident facts. Personally, I believe the pre-occupation with sex is a result of the discovery that sex and the desire for it is a basic biological drive that can be harnessed for other uses, such as selling products. Sex, or the thought of it, appeals to a basic part of the human brain that operates independently of reason and logic. This is why many people can be manipulated through sex or the threat of being deprived of it. Sex is a subject, like threatening one’s children or one’s life, that
And in keeping with the masculinist standard I always seem to end up waving around here, might I suggest the reason some men don’t want to have sex as often as their female SOs is because they (the men) are with women who are not willing to do a fair share of the work during the act? I not at all trying to suggest this is common, I’m just saying it might be the case sometimes.
The older I get (and the more I read the SDMB) the more I see the foolishness of the old canard that “men want it, women don’t.” Women want it every bit as much as we do, but for whatever reason (nature or nurture) they express their desire in a very different way.
Please, can people stop telling the OPer that “he must not be doing it right”? Talk about a cliche, and it even just supports his point!
I am not a scientist, so the following is mostly conjecture, but I believe it fits the evident facts. Personally, I believe the pre-occupation with sex is a result of the discovery that sex and the desire for it is a basic biological drive that can be harnessed for other uses, such as selling products. Sex, or the thought of it, appeals to a basic part of the human brain that operates independently of reason and logic. This is why many people can be manipulated through sex or the threat of being deprived of it. Sex is a subject, like threatening one’s children or one’s life, that can make a person lose a certain amount of self-control. This then makes them vulnerable. In a relationship, this vulnerability can lead to astrong bond between lovers. In other times, it can lead someone to buy a red sports car.
And in keeping with the masculinist standard I always seem to end up waving around here, might I suggest the reason some men don’t want to have sex as often as their female SOs is because they (the men) are with women who are not willing to do a fair share of the work during the act? I not at all trying to suggest this is common, I’m just saying it might be the case sometimes.
The older I get (and the more I read the SDMB) the more I see the foolishness of the old canard that “men want it, women don’t.” Women want it every bit as much as we do, but for whatever reason (nature or nurture) they express their desire in a very different way. Since I realized this, I definitely look at women differently.
Like Contrary and Mith I was in a sex-less marriage. It was the first sexual relationship for both of us and it felt just horrible for me. I was young and couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong that he wasn’t more interested in me and in sex. I was eager to try everything (so, Lizard, I was certainly willing to do my share of the work! ) but he was disinterested. He did want children, though, but once the reproductive work was done he didn’t see a reason for any more sex.
Sexual incompatibility was a big cause of our breakup–not because I wasn’t getting any (or enough), but because it completely undermined the intimacy and bond that I wanted from the relationship. If there is such an incompatiblity with you and your SO WeRSauron, you might want to work this out with her so neither one of you ends up hurting over it.
I could have sworn I said something about differing levels of interest in sex.
<goes and rereads her post>
Yup, that’s what I said.
And I will say it again. Sex per se is not the most important factor in a relationship, but when two people are at opposite ends of the desire spectrum, then that relationship will have some rough spots. And IMO the one who wants sex but is frequently rebuffed will end up feeling like he or she is completely not desirable.
Lizard, I use to feel that way. I started out with the standard, men want sex, women don’t attitude. This was very quickly replaced with an enlightened attitude that we both want it just as much, but society represses a woman’s ability to show it. Then I experienced a good bit of life and realized that neither are right.
Sure, women like sex, but it doesn’t come close to the constant desires most men have. Sexual appetites vary, but on average men are far more interested. If you need evidence, pole your closer friends (ones who would actually tell the truth to you on this) whether they masturbate, and how often.
Chimera, this is one of the reasons I am a huge fan of sex before marriage. It would suck to vow to spend the rest of your life with someone and then find out they only want sex when they want a baby. The horror.
) but he was disinterested. He did want children, though, but once the reproductive work was done he didn’t see a reason for any more sex.
I understood what you said. What did it have to do with what I said? I wasn’t commenting on your post!