Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men?

Inspired by this thread

If it’s a given that women enjoy sex as much and want it as frequently as men do, why do so many marriages end up sexless (which I think is defined as less than once per month or something)?

I would venture to guess that the marriages/long term relationships of the ladies above are not sexless, and they are therefore not a good representative sample of how much women on average like sex, but I’m willing to be corrected.

Are there many women on this board who absolutely love sex and are in a sexless marriage?

It’s not a given. Women, as a general rule, do not like sex as much as men do.

Well the problem really is, that in most long term relationships the amount of sex had is the amount desired by the partner that likes it least.

I know a girl here in Osaka that likes sex for sex itself, in much the same way your typical guy does. She was on business in Dusseldorf once and stopped by an adult video store. There was a video playing so she sat down and started masturbating. Pretty soon the 5 customers in the store came over and she gave the nod, and a gang bang ensued. She has fond memories of that day and did it a few times again that week. She’s also a member of a group that regularly has group sex in public places at night.

I would venture to say that she enjoys sex as much as a normal guy does, but she is atypical.

Even if, on the average women like ex just as much as men, there is still a lot of variation in boh genders. So there are both men and women who don’t want to have sex often – and, in more extreme cases, can be called “asexual”. If two of those pair up, they can be quite happy in a sexless marriage.

That wouldn’t be the only reason, of course: another would be where a partner is withholding sex because of other issues in the marriage.

This. They really don’t. There are some that certainly do, but they are atypical. Plus I think over the years sex drive goes down and sex becomes a routine people get bored of (but it’s still more the woman’s fault than the man’s).

There’s also the factor that either partner may ‘want sex’, but not find their spouse sexually attractive any longer.

Because he doesn’t communicate his feelings, he’s inattentive and he hasn’t done the bathroom grouting like he promised. That’s why, mister.

I think a lot of women (and popular culture plays in on this) look at “giving” sex as a method of control to reward or punish. Not looking at sex as a mutually beneficial thing necesarily, but if he’s been a good boy then she can yield and give him what he wants, as if she were a tolerant victim. It’s stupid and unhealthy but common and the way popular culture jokes/reinforces this idea doesn’t help. So if marital problems cause denial of sex as a punishment, which then makes the relationship worse, which leads to less sex/more punishment eventually you end up like that.

Just a guess.

Edit: See post above mine posted as I was writing this :stuck_out_tongue:

Is there ever an instance where “a partner” doesn’t happen to be the female partner?

I just have to point out this juxtaposition of posts as a perfect example. Koxinga is implying that sex would be a reward for her husband if he did some chore she is expecting him to do and conformed to some expectations she has for him, which he hasn’t. I would assume that the problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to, but that she’s trying to use sex as a measure of control and failing.

Maybe not explicitly as a “measure of control”, but more an emphasis on the overall context of a relationship. At least from what I’ve seen, it’s far more possible for the guy to ignore some shortcomings in a relationship than for the woman, when it comes down to the old conjugal relations. If it’s a romantic evening and the lights are low, remembering that “I had to pick up his socks up off the floor for him this morning for the thousandth damn time” is going to be a mood killer for the lady far more than a similar thought would be for the man. As always, YMMV.

And it occurs to me that as a marriage drags on from years going into decades, there are just so many more of those instances you choose either to remember or to ignore.

It’s fun to watch people take a couple of anecdotes and a sitcom trope and extrapolate it into a philosophy on why 50% of the population feels the way that that they insist it does. My vagina and I have popped some corn and pulled up a chair. Here we are now, entertain us.

Having a couple of kids can put quite a damper on the sex life. As can one/both spouses working long hours.

Well, just how many sexless marriages are there?

Sometimes a decrease in sexual activity is the man’s preference. WebMD says that 18 -30 million men in the U.S. suffer from erectile dysfunction. Decreasing testosterone levels over time may also contribute to a lower sex drive. Sometimes men who have libido or erection problems don’t want to talk to their doctor about it. I know of a man who had problems of this type (he was taking an SSRI and was maybe somewhat depressed which may have contributed) but he didn’t want to make lifestyle changes that could have helped the situation (e.g., giving up social drinking and making more of an effort to address his high levels of work stress).

ETA: The person I mentioned is not my current partner.

You think that’s fun? That’s not fun. What’s really fun is to see a woman come out and say that she knows what all women want with regard to sex. It’s even better when that woman has never had sex with another woman and so doesn’t really have any clue at all.

Prop your vagina up and enjoy the show.

Legalsnugs, I had one. It was awful. Sex every two weeks she considered me a ‘sex fiend’ Dry spells were usually longer than that. Then my last serious girlfriend, we didn’t have sex for months because she just wasn’t in the mood.

Screw that, I’m not dating prudes any more. Put out, or get out!

Must work…hard…to erase this image from my mind.