Inspired by this thread, I’ve decided to start my own, similar thread. I’m putting it in IMHO because it’s also entitled “Debate Light” and honestly I don’t know where else to put it.
I’ve noticed around the boards and here and there this lingering perception that:
[ul]
[li] Women do not like sex, or like it less.[/li][li] Women do not like porn or only laugh at it.[/li][li] Women give in to sex to obtain something or trade for something.[/li][li] Women have to be persuaded to have sex.[/li][/ul]
Well, I’d like to debunk all of that! There are as many different sex drives in women as there are women. And I firmly believe that one of the reasons women’s sex drive seems to skyrocket around 30 is because we’re raised - as I was - to be very conservative and to believe all of the above crap ourselves.
For example, I’ll just bet my sex drive could match or exceed a majority of the men in this thread. The only woman who I’ve met who seems to exceed it is on this board, actually, Anastaseon. (I don’t think I spelled that right).
Anyway, I’ve made it a personal goal to eradicate opinions like the ones I’ve stated above. Comments or questions?
Zero to Hurricane Gulf relief in the first post! Right on Anaamika!
I think the problem isn’t the perception of Women’s libidos…it’s just the womens libidos I’ve encountered.
Actually, I think the problem is more the difference of libido in a relationship…face it, the odds that two libidos are close together long term is pretty slim.
I know in my personal experience, the difference in our libidos was a big sticking point…then we reached our thirties and she got her tubes tied during childbirth, allowing her to get off the pill. Her hormones stabilized right about the time my libido plunged…things are a lot easier to, erm, handle now.
Oh, and now we’ve got the flirtinh out of the way – I totally agree. Even if these perceptions may be the result of some difference in average behavior between the sexes, very few people are average. Just like there are plenty of women who are, say, taller than plenty of men, so you will find plenty of women who, for the lack of a better term, are “sexed up” more than plenty of man. The populations, even if not identical, overlap. A lot.
For instance, some women like to be “persuaded” because their partner is a “wham-bam-thankyou ma’am” kind of guy and it’s the only time they get any foreplay or attention.
Some men don’t pick up on the subtle hints that their partner is not in the mood and ask for sex at inopportune times.
Other men miss the hints that their partner IS in the mood, and if she’s not confident about initiating sex, everyone loses out.
Of course there’s also the touch confusion…women want to cuddle their partner, who sees the contact as a come-on, which she didn’t intend, and then everyone feels rejected and hurt.
Or the fact that he’s horniest in the morning when she’s barely sentient, and she’s horniest at night when he can’t keep his eyes open.
Lots of stuff that just sitting down and talking would resolve, none of it necessarily because women don’t like or want sex.
Excluding one-nighters and a sporadic affair with someone I should have left alone if integrity had counted higher than horniness and general despondency at lack of female company, I’ve had four sexual relationships, if I’m allowed to count nothing but mutual masturbation as one of these. In all four of those, I promise you, all the “not tonight, I’ve got a headache” traffic has been one-way, along with cheering stuff such as “Control yourself!”, “Do we have to?”, and “Oh God, you’re not randy are you?”.
Fortunately some of these at least conceded that I was, if you’ll pardon the self-advertisement, fucking good at it once we actually got down to it, otherwise I’d have been a mass of insecurity by now, or at any rate a bigger one.
Let’s just say that if I, personally, had to prove that female sex-avoidance was a myth, I’d be stymied.
What do personal anecdotes prove, really, is I guess what I’m asking? I’ve had around the same amount of sexual relationships as you and in all but one I’ve by far had the higher sex drive. I’ll go so far as to say that my ex didn’t really seem to *like * sex. At 20 years old.
::shrug:: Prove? Nothing. You want participation in the thread, or not?
A woman who wanted sex as much as I did has been one of my life’s unattainable goals. Fortunately, at 45, apathy, middle-aged spread and being ground down by the constant reinforcement that I was making a nuisance of myself have combined to reduce my sex drive to a non-inconvenient level.
At 20 years old, however, I’d have worn you to a frazzle. (Or not. But it would have been fun trying.)
You know, although this is something I never discuss on the boards, I feel compelled to back Anaamika up on this.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence here too. I always had a fairly high libido, until I got married. It didn’t drop because of the marriage; it dropped because of my depression and the abuse I was suffering from year three to year eight when I walked away from the bastard. And I can tell you that I used every excuse in the book, but I wasn’t the one who started using sex as a weapon. No, I was strictly being defensive, because who wants to sex up someone who treats you like that? I don’t doubt, however, that there are women with low sex drives that say all of the same things that I did, but without the cause I had.
I was afraid that he’d ruined me for life and that I’d never enjoy sex again. Fortunately, I was wrong (and resilient) and I’m finding that my libido is getting higher as I age, which is a good thing when I’m in a relationship and not so much when I’m not. And while great sex can be very emotionally tied for me, it’s not always. Great sex can be had without an emotional attachment, but that also is something that I’m developing with age.
Yeah, another anecdote doesn’t prove anything, but I do kind of get both sides there.
Fortunately, I lucked out in finding Pepper Mill, with compatible drive and a charming ability to overlook my flaws and still want to have sex with me. Now our biggest problem is that , at eight, she’s staying up too late for her parents to snag some uninterrupted snogging.
Of course I want participation! And I would never have guessed you were 45. When you were 20, I would have been 13 years old.
Cal, my boy, this is awkward:
Fortunately, I lucked out in finding Pepper Mill, with compatible drive and a charming ability to overlook my flaws and still want to have sex with me. Now our biggest problem is that , at eight, she’s staying up too late for her parents to snag some uninterrupted snogging.
I know you mean Little Mill, or whatever you call her, but it sounds like your Pepper Mill is 8!
This applies so well to the other side of the equation.
I probably shouldn’t go here, because this whole thread really strikes a bad nerve with me. I mean no offense, I just need to get this off my chest.
What DO personal accounts prove? How about the other side of the “she never puts out” story? I could tell stories about constant badgering for sex that was tantamount to abuse–you be nagged and pouted at every day for not putting out twice a day or whatever–and come back to me in a about 10 years of it to tell me how you feel now. And when your sexual needs are ignored or minimized and/or when you have legitimate reasons for a depressed libido --a sister dying, a sick child–and there is no quarter given, because partner feels entitled, you tell me how strong your libido is then.
Where is the respect for the other partners libido? So you have a stong sex drive. And? So?
IOW, do you care enough about your partner to work this out or is it really all about just getting off? It sounds to me like the latter.
What does claiming to have the stronger libido do, any way? I would think that the issue or conflict of “we always have sex/we never have sex” would be one to be discussed and resolved within each relationship. That has not been my experience, sadly, but I do hold to the concept. In a loving relationship, some compromise should be possible.
For me, I have taken a hearty dislike to the bragging of “my sex drive is sooo high”–who cares? It doesn’t make you a better person or more hip–it makes you more likely to unsatisfied more often, if you think about it.
I don’t buy into the stereotypes about women and sex that are prevalent here, but I also don’t buy into the premise that those women who do have strong sex drives are somehow more liberated or evolved. To me, that attitude just marginalizes and patronizes the “under” sexed. IOW, you get what you get. If it is not to your liking, negotiate and I dunno, deal? IMS, physiologically, an orgasm via masturbation is the same as one with a partner–so where is the problem? If that is the goal, it’s available to all, and under your complete control.
Maybe I am misreading this thread, but it seems to me that the woman is NOT off the hook here–nor is the man ever on it. So, either woman is sex-avoiding or sex-seeking. Surely, there is some middle ground to be had. Seems to me that the frequency and quality of sex is a mutual proposition.
If one partner is not perpetually horny–that’s not a character flaw. If there is a pattern of sex avoidance–that is a problem in the relationship. Mal --maybe that woman had OTHER needs that needed to be addressed before she could relax into sex. Who knows?
I know I am not making my point succinctly. Sorry. I just mean that while the 4 preconceived notions that Anaamika mentions are NOT true of all women, neither is the opposite. To address just one of them: I, for one, after giving it a good chance and watching several hours of it, do not like porn. That is not for me. I am no less a woman (or a sexual being) because of it. I refuse to apologize or think myself repressed because I do not like porn.
I don’t mean to be harsh here–I agree with the basic principle here, I just felt the need to put in another perspective.
I’m another gasp middle-aged woman who’s discovered that her sex drive is increasing with age.
What I’ve noticed is that the more I have great sex-the more I want it.
For me, it’s easier to keep the engine going once it’s been started.
The only time that my partner’s drive has exceeded mine is when we’re emotionally out of sync and that’s not often.
As far a porn goes, however, I really wish that they’d lose the stupid shoes and barbie doll actresses.
It’s hard to take it seriously when all I can think of is damn-I hope she doesn’t poke him in the eye with those heels.
The OP is nothing but lies, to try to increase the confidence of the SDMB men-folk. Admit it, Anaamika, you just want to raise our hopes, so that the eventual rejection (and there will be rejection) is even more crushing. Your real goal is to twist us even further around your little fingers. But I’m onto you, to all of you. Took me a couple of decades, but I finally see through to your plan. Therefore, like my hero, lekatt, trying to convince the world that psychics exist, I will work against you to convince the world that women’s sex drives are solely designed to provide maximum frustration to men.
“You have chosen wisely”. Well, good for you. Once a week, three weeks out of four, if all’s reasonably well, and mostly mutual masturbation at that, is not quite what I was hoping for in a marital relationship.
But I’m very good about it, I don’t badger my wife for sex or complain about the poor quantity or shocking quality, and I’m not an abuser by any save the most radical definition. Not even by eleanorigby’s. Entitlement? Don’t worry. I’ve been carefully schooled not to consider myself entitled to anything. Complain? Sure, if I want a tearful woman and no improvement.
Anaamika, I’d have had the nous to keep my hands to myself when you were aged 13. By the time you were 20 and horny, I’m sure you might, if I was lucky, have thought I’d make some unspecified other girl a lovely boyfriend. ::wobbly smiley::
But my age is just as I’ve stated it, thanks for (what I assume to be) the implied compliment!
I have to agree with this. I have a low sex drive, and there’re a lot of people out there (not necessarily in this thread because I know we’re talking about trying to disprove stereotypes) that says that women should be as horny as men. I’ve had a really hard time accepting that this isn’t true for me and it’s taken me a really long time to realize that this doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me. And then when a thread comes along that says yet again, “Women can be horny too!” even though I know that most of us know that we’re not talking about ALL women, it does strike a bad nerve as **eleanorigby **said. It’s kind of like “oh no, now more guys are going to expect me to be horny.”
So I think the most important point to get across is that women have a whole range of sex drives. Some a REALLY REALLY horny all the freakin’ time. And some of us are hardly ever horny. And there’s NOTHING WRONG with being either way or somewhere in between.
