I don’t know what to do about this, talking with my wife doesn’t really seem to help.
For several years now my wife’s libido has taken a severe down-swing. It’s gotten to the point where we may go months without having sex. I’ve tried being more affectionate in a non-aggressive way so she wouldn’t feel pressured. I’ve tried to discuss what she wants or needs sexually. I’ve helped out more around the house so she doesn’t feel pressured about that.
If I try to initiate sex she turns me down 90% of the time, and may accuse me of trying to make her feel guilty because she doesn’t have as active a sex drive as I do. So I get frustrated and stop trying, which leads to feeling alone and depressed.
Other pertinent facts: We’ve been married 11 years, this started in year 2. We have 2 kids (5 & 3). I work full time, and we’re in decent financial shape for one of the first times in our lives. She’s in school getting her MA. We’re both in our mid-30’s.
First you need to honestly look at your situation to see if there are reasonable impediments to her being in the mood. Are you mean/aggressive/slobby/etc? Consider that she may be having an affair. Look for warning signs such as hiding her phone, always on the computer and hiding the sceen, mysterious unaccounted for time, etc.
It’s likely that those situations are not the case and there’s no magic roadblock you can remove. Your situation is similar to mine. The sex was great for the first 1.5 years and then began to slow down. Around year 12 I finally realized that she just wasn’t into it. She wasn’t having an affair, there wasn’t some thing that was preventing her from being in the mood. She just wasn’t really into sex.
It took a while for me to understand. It’s like how some people may not like chocolate, ice cream, coffee, etc. It may sound strange, but if they don’t like it they don’t like it.
It’s important for you to understand her position, but that doesn’t mean you have to live with it. Explain to her that sex is a required part of your life. Ask her about ideas on how to compromise. If she is unwilling to compromise, then you either need to accept a sexless marriage or move on.
When talking about these issues, beware of vague statements from her like “I would want more sex if I felt more loved”. If she doesn’t feel loved enough to have sex, why has she stayed married and never brought it up? Likely she doesn’t know the cause (if there even is one) and may blame other things in the relationship as the cause.
The important thing is for her to see the lack of sex as a problem. She needs to be willing to understand that it’s a critical need for you and that she needs to put some effort into satisfying that need even if she’s not naturally in the mood. Her love for you should make her want to do things that make you happy.
Look on amazon for books about sexless marriage. They will have more information on how you can work through this.
That was my first thought; several years ago I switched to a different birth control pill, and it was gradual enough that it took me a while to put it together that the pill was the cause.
Anti-depressants can cause it to, IIRC. Is she on any prescriptions that might be worth taking a second look at?
Thirded. My libido went way, WAY down during the period I had undiagnosed hypothyroidism.
Does she give a reason at all? It’s okay for me to have sex even if I don’t feel particularly in the mood, but I HAVE to not be tired or stressed. If it’s early enough and I’m not feeling stressed, I’ll almost always accept invitations from mr. hunter regardless of the state of my libido, but if I’m tired or stressed I will almost never. (This was why the hypothyroidism was so bad – in addition to dampening my libido it made me really tired all the time, so I never wanted to do anything. My poor husband…)
She’s really too young for the garden variety, peri-menopause late-40s cooling of the libido. I think the thing to do is really talk to her about what she wants. If she misses the sex too, and wants to have greater drive, she should go see her doctor.
At this point, she may not feel like she wants it because she’s been in this pattern for so long. Some women can just do without forever and be fine. This is something your really want to work on, but she has to want to also. Counseling may help.
It’s a delicate situation because she will instantly feel and be defensive, no matter what you say to try to defuse it. It’s just a super personal thing, I bet she does carry a lot of guilt about it, and that makes her feel bad, and your approaches (although you’re doing the right thing in the right way) add to that feeling of guilt and general brokenness, and feeling that way - down and dysfunctional, is not conducive to feeling sexy. It’s a downward spiral.
And then you, being rejected, that sucks - and hurt builds resentment, and that’s not a sexy emotion for you either.
Scheduling sex is a bad idea - but I am a fan of date nights. Just date. Go out to dinner, see a movie, hold hands, chat, hang out. Just the two of you. Tell her you’re missing the romance - it’s the truth. Try to reconnect that way, don’t press for sex at first. Kiss her more often, and more passionately, and leave it at that. Don’t attach more to it. Touch her when you walk by. Grab her butt playfully - remind her she’s a desirable woman without using words or putting out expectations. Let her relax into an increasing level of physical affection. See how she responds to that.
This is a tough thing. IMO (and most people’s) is that sex is a big part of a healthy relationship. It’s not self-sustaining though, you have to nurture it along. It’s going to take extra work to get it back. Here’s hoping you two find a way to reconnect.
Unfortunately I can see that eventually happening in my marriage. Honestly I just don’t really like sex that much. I never have. My husband does make me orgasm, but to me, its really not that enjoyable. My honest thoughts on sex are that it keeps me up at night. I get to bed later and I hate the squishy feeling afterwards. So my choices are to get up and freeze while going to the bathroom to clean up, or get a bad nights sleep because I keep waking up feeling liquid trickle down my leg. I never feel good the day after sex because I am so tired.
What does help me get in the mood is when we go on dates, or even just cuddle when watching a movie after dinner. Or really even something a little sweet and out of the ordinary. At this point sex is predictable and routine, aka not at all fun.
Ludy makes an excellent point, when it comes to sex, there really is no right and wrong.
It’s like a wife that wants to cook new foods for dinner and a husband that demands meat and potatoes and nothing else.
The key is compromise.
Now that is a dirty word because that words means BOTH parties must be willing to do it.
It takes two to make a good relationship but it only takes one to make a bad relationship.
With sex it’s even harder because of the ideas some people are brought up with. Sex is dirty, it should only be used for procreation, etc…
First the OP needs to ask, do both parties see this as a problem? If you can’t see this, there the first hurdle. Second, what are the expectations for the compromise.
For me, if I want sex, I also would want my partner to want me, not just go through the motions.
If one party wants sex and the other is just gonna go through the motions, for me it wouldn’t be worth it.
When kids start coming into the picture they can exhaust both parents but moreso the woman because childbirth also entails hormonal changes. This can’t be addressed without a medical checkup.
So if I was the OP I would get with my wife and find where she stands. Then state my case and work on a way to meet in the middle, both realizing they won’t be totally happy but satisfied instead.
Have sex in the morning, before you shower. Or any other time of day besides bedtime. Afternoon is my personal favorite, but both of us work from home so that’s easy.
I like condoms, husband does not.
I think shower sex is a great idea, husband has bad knees.
And really, after sex I am generally really tired and it’s not just the cold walk to the bathroom, it’s having to get out of bed at all.
mild TMI warning
I do have a box of kleenex that I use for spot clean up after, but the dog seems to really like those particular used kleenex and will get into them in the middle of the night. So in the morning I wake up to shredded used kleenex all over the floor.
We have a toddler so afternoon sex is a bit more difficult. And One other problem with sex schedules is that husband is a night owl. So he tends to sleep as late as possible while I have to get up early to deal with the kid.
This is me. But considering I want to please my husband, and we’re also trying to conceive, I have to force it a lot.
The big one for me is the night time sex. I also hate staying up late and getting a crap sleep. So, I initiate it before dinner or just after. That gives me time to clean up / shower if I want, and also get in to bed at my regular time. I also really enjoy what we call ‘Sunday sex’. It’s usually on either weekend day morning, but before we even get out of bed, we have lazy sex. The kind where you’re spooning - doesn’t take a ton of effort, and the deed is done for the day.
I also make myself do fun things like dress up, etc. Even though I’m not into it at first, I do get in to it after a little while.
But, I know what you mean. I often find myself wondering how much longer it’s going to be, and then I feel guilty for that.
Use a step stool, with him behind you and your hands on the wall for support.
Tell him before he gets too worked up, that he needs to go get a wet washcloth and a dry one and bring them into the bedroom.
On the mornings following the nights you’ve had sex, wake his lazy ass up. You took care of him the night before, he can take care of you (by taking care of the kid) the morning after!
He might find himself actually getting more sex if he paid more attention to what would make you enjoy it more, and that includes things that aren’t directly related to the sex act itself. And if he takes better care of your needs, you might find yourself wanting it more, too.
I hear this on the relationship program on my local radio all the time. They suggest that many times the reason is that the husband is an “under performer.” Women are reluctant to discuss this aspect. If there’s nothing in it for her or it’s too much work, the event is not incurred willingly. Of course there are many other more likely reasons in my estimation.