This is kind of a follow up to this thread.
I think overall there has been much progress. I hope. Right now I’m pissed off again. I think I mentioned in the linked thread that I have no other sexual experiences than with my wife. And very few dates either with any women other than her. So I don’t have any other experiences to help me out.
I actually try not to read any threads about sex around here 'cause I can’t stand reading about women who look forward to sex. I have a problem intellectually with the idea that people are in relatinoships where sex isn’t some kind of duty that the woman feels obligated to fulfill. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced. Except for a few isolated times in our life together, it goes like this:
Me: “Want to make love tonight?”
Wife: “<sigh> OK”
On special occasions like birthdays or our anniversary where the kids have been at babysitters and we’ve had a nice dinner out, had some wine, etc., overall a nice initmate kind of date. Wow, wouldn’t fucking be a nice end to the night? One such time she actually asked “Why?”
I hate watching romatic comedies (for other reasons too) where the couple eventually end up in bed and you see the line of clothing leading up the stairs to the bedroom. Not in my house.
Because of the counseling, we both started on anti-depressants. I quit after three months cause I was like a zombie and couldn’t hardly get my ass out of bed. She has been taking them for about 6 months, and I think it’s helped her mood, but I think it has also performed a chemical libido-ectomy. I asked her a while ago about it and sex just doesn’t interest her. She would probably never think about it if I didn’t “pester” her.
There also is unexamined (IMO) abuse in her past. I think that has a big influence on her as relates sex. Her way of dealing with it is to lock it away waaay down deep and it will just not bother her at all.
If we do have sex, she does little but lay there. She acts like she’s enjoying it, sort of, she says she does. She won’t french kiss me. If I get a kiss it’s the peck on the lips kind. While we are in the “throes of passion”. Ha fucking ha.
The real problem is that because of our relative positions on the “libido continuum”, we seem to push each other away, directly and indirectly. I’m so pissed right now, I wouldn’t make love to her if she begged for it. I’m so obsessed with sex that I fell in to the internet porn trap. That certainly pushed away. i compromised during the counseling sessions and now we have a porn blocker running. And I also realized you could search for pron with Kazaa Lite a while ago. I do that a little, which she would call cheating, and I feel guilty about it because I know she wouldn’t approve. But I’m tired of jerking off. Shit, I’m 35 years old (almost), I would like to have a grown-up kind of sex life. Especially if I think we are “doing good”, she feels like I’m all clingy. I think I’m just being affectionate. <sigh>
I don’t want advice on how to seduce her, or aphrodisiac recipes or stories about your woman is all over you or how you can’t wait to get home to blow your husband every day. What I would like to hear about is options. What steps do we take to help ourselves out of this? What can I do to “burn off the excess”, so to speak?
We are going to go back to the counselor, I don’t know what to say to her (the counselor). What I find curious is that there seems to be some role-reversal in our relationship. The stereotype of the poor wife dancing in front of the football game is never gonna happen in our house. The counselor told me that a lot of guys who, like me, are the clingy type marry women who are not. I suppose the other side of the coin is the emotionally cool guy who marries the ‘slut’ who fucks him, and anyone else. So, I suppose it could be worse. That would be worse, right?
This has been a rather long post, and I’m not really going to proof it much, but I feel a little less pissed now that I’ve written it.