marriage and dealing with differing libido

This is kind of a follow up to this thread.

I think overall there has been much progress. I hope. Right now I’m pissed off again. I think I mentioned in the linked thread that I have no other sexual experiences than with my wife. And very few dates either with any women other than her. So I don’t have any other experiences to help me out.

I actually try not to read any threads about sex around here 'cause I can’t stand reading about women who look forward to sex. I have a problem intellectually with the idea that people are in relatinoships where sex isn’t some kind of duty that the woman feels obligated to fulfill. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced. Except for a few isolated times in our life together, it goes like this:

Me: “Want to make love tonight?”
Wife: “<sigh> OK”

On special occasions like birthdays or our anniversary where the kids have been at babysitters and we’ve had a nice dinner out, had some wine, etc., overall a nice initmate kind of date. Wow, wouldn’t fucking be a nice end to the night? One such time she actually asked “Why?”

I hate watching romatic comedies (for other reasons too) where the couple eventually end up in bed and you see the line of clothing leading up the stairs to the bedroom. Not in my house.

Because of the counseling, we both started on anti-depressants. I quit after three months cause I was like a zombie and couldn’t hardly get my ass out of bed. She has been taking them for about 6 months, and I think it’s helped her mood, but I think it has also performed a chemical libido-ectomy. I asked her a while ago about it and sex just doesn’t interest her. She would probably never think about it if I didn’t “pester” her.

There also is unexamined (IMO) abuse in her past. I think that has a big influence on her as relates sex. Her way of dealing with it is to lock it away waaay down deep and it will just not bother her at all.

If we do have sex, she does little but lay there. She acts like she’s enjoying it, sort of, she says she does. She won’t french kiss me. If I get a kiss it’s the peck on the lips kind. While we are in the “throes of passion”. Ha fucking ha.

The real problem is that because of our relative positions on the “libido continuum”, we seem to push each other away, directly and indirectly. I’m so pissed right now, I wouldn’t make love to her if she begged for it. I’m so obsessed with sex that I fell in to the internet porn trap. That certainly pushed away. i compromised during the counseling sessions and now we have a porn blocker running. And I also realized you could search for pron with Kazaa Lite a while ago. I do that a little, which she would call cheating, and I feel guilty about it because I know she wouldn’t approve. But I’m tired of jerking off. Shit, I’m 35 years old (almost), I would like to have a grown-up kind of sex life. Especially if I think we are “doing good”, she feels like I’m all clingy. I think I’m just being affectionate. <sigh>

I don’t want advice on how to seduce her, or aphrodisiac recipes or stories about your woman is all over you or how you can’t wait to get home to blow your husband every day. What I would like to hear about is options. What steps do we take to help ourselves out of this? What can I do to “burn off the excess”, so to speak?

We are going to go back to the counselor, I don’t know what to say to her (the counselor). What I find curious is that there seems to be some role-reversal in our relationship. The stereotype of the poor wife dancing in front of the football game is never gonna happen in our house. The counselor told me that a lot of guys who, like me, are the clingy type marry women who are not. I suppose the other side of the coin is the emotionally cool guy who marries the ‘slut’ who fucks him, and anyone else. So, I suppose it could be worse. That would be worse, right?

This has been a rather long post, and I’m not really going to proof it much, but I feel a little less pissed now that I’ve written it.

Wow. Just wow. I could have written that entire post, except I’m a woman. My soon-to-be ex was exactly like that. He had no interest, just laid there, and as soon as he was done, it was over. Never did it last more than ten minutes and almost always it was over in 5 or less from his grudging agreement to him falling asleep. I will not go into the many things he never did, except to say that he was apparently quite the anomaly from what I have discovered, both in lack of stamina and in activities, if you will…

He wasn’t on anti-depressants, though. Yeah, I’m still upset that in 7 years of marriage, I never once got laid on my birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or any other “special” occasion, and not that many regular days, either. I tried damn near every sex tip and trick that I came across, with no measurable results. Lingerie, dirty notes and phone calls, setting up dates (which he’d back out on), waking him up, etc. None of it ever worked.

Oh, and BTW, I’m 28 and he’s three years older. I’m slim, in excellent shape, and judging by the men I’ve dated since leaving him, apparently quite attractive.

I am not saying leaving is in your best interest. I tried therapy alone (since he refused to go), and came to the realization that I could only change ME. I couldn’t make him have sex with me, or even to touch me in passing once every couple of weeks. Yes, sex isn’t the only important thing in marriage – but when sex is bad, it colors the whole relationship. If both parties won’t work together, it can’t be changed. I didn’t want to live with sex every couple months for 5 mins or so, and virtually no contact the rest of the time. For me at least, I’d rather be alone and lonely, than married and lonely.

My deepest sympathies. I have indeed been there (although I didn’t look at porn, I do read a lot of erotica, but that’s been since before I ever met him), and it’s hell. I hope you are able to resolve this issue.

first off, antidepressants work differently on different people. Zoloft I was a zombie on, Paxil was great. You may want to change the antidepressant for yourself. Also, they don’t all affect sex drive - your wife - if this is important to her - may want to change hers as well.

But my guess is that it just isn’t important to her. Some people can take or leave sex. Doesn’t matter if its hot sex or romantic sex - they just don’t want to do it - and they can have a great time when it happens - but just aren’t that interested.

So, you get to decide whether a sexless life is a good trade for saving your marriage. It may be, it may not be.

I’m sorry things are still so difficult for you and your wife. I remember some of your past threads about trying to cope with these things.

Like dangerosa said… different antidepressants affect people differently. Many of them to hinder one’s sex drive. I would talk to the counselor and explain how you didn’t like feeling like a zombie and see what else is out there.

I’m pretty sure based on your posts that a sexless marriage will not work for you. There is a lot of resentment on your part because of it. Definitely discuss this with the counselor. I’m not sure how you ask for sex but if your wife sees it as pestering you may want to work on your approach. There are also a number of exercises you and your wife can do together to help intimacy and eventually sexuality but your wife has to see your lack of both as a negative and it seems she’s pretty neutral with the whole thing. I found ‘The Healing Journey’ by Wendy Maltz to be a help but I also fully acknowledge the abuse I suffered and want to have the best relationship I can with my husband.

If your wife still is not dealing with her past and the abuse you suspect then things probably will not improve. There isn’t anything you can do to force her as that will just push her further away from you and solve nothing.

I know you do not consider divorce an option but have you thought of a separation to give each of you some time alone and then start ‘dating’ again to rebuild your marriage?

I’m not sure that I’m really qualified to give advice here, but for what it’s worth…

I think you need to work out whether your wife has a low libido because she has a low libido or whether she has other issues with sex. If she does have other issues, past abuse or similar, then I think those need to be sorted out with a therapist and she might feel more comfortable doing that on her own. If this is the case, you need to be patient with her because it isn’t her fault that she’s too traumatised by her past to want to make love with you.

If she just has a low libido, then I think you need to look at other forms of physical contact too. Do you hug her, do you kiss her? do you make her feel as though you want to make love to her because you love her rather than because you’re horny? Sexual contact with someone you love shouldn’t be just about sex - you shouldn’t have to ask “can we make love?” every time you want to, you can approach it more gently.

Another option would be for her to talk to her doctor if her medication is affecting her sex drive. She could get an alternative prescription that wouldn’t do that.

Boy, you got it rough. I can see the logic in going to counseling, but as I recall, she isn’t interested in changing, is she? She grudgingly goes, not willingly, correct?

You can’t change her. You can only change you. She is trying to change you though, if not out and out trying to control you. She doesn’t want sex, so she doesn’t want you to have sex- even with yourself.

It seems to me you have not met her halfway, that you have completely rolled over. Man, that is no way to live. Do you ever get your way with anything? Or is your relationship completely one-sided? Here is a simple question: What does she do for you that makes you happy? I want to know the answer to that. Outside of buying you presents on the required holidays, does she give of herself or try to be nice to you simply for a smile? Does she help you in any way? Is she friends with your friends? What does she bring to the relationship? I am very curious about this. I’ve read the other post, but I still have the feeling that you are getting short-changed on a daily basis; that this goes beyond intimacy. Why are you still there?

I probably am not going to be the most sympathetic voice here. I have one life to live and I refuse to live an unhappy one. I can compromise, I can bend, I can understand…But I will only do that if it is met by the same from the other side. I have been in a very similar situation to yours and am GLAD it happened. It taught me what isn’t right. It taught me what doesn’t work. I then used it as a template for what to avoid, and man, I am so happy I did. You can be in a relationship where there is intimacy, love, caring and understanding. But I don’t think that can happen with your wife, because that would mean that she wants to be in a relationship where there is intimacy, love, caring and understanding. And I think you know that she doesn’t. Not with you, not with anyone.

-Tcat

There’s a lot of stuff to deal with here. I’ll try (I’m a guy, if that helps) to hit a few of the high spots.

  1. Different anti-depressants work differently, and then sometimes they quit working after awhile. Don’t ask why, just find a doctor who’s willing to work with you on types, dosages, etc. until you find what works best.

  2. Not all counselors are good sex therapists. Not all sex therapists are good at other parts of the relationship. You may need to work with a regular counselor and also a sex therapist.

  3. One thing a sex therapist will try to pound into you and your wife is that not all contact should necessarily lead to intimate contact and not all intimate contact should necessarily lead to intercourse. One problem that some people have is that if they feel if they do A it will automatically end up at Z. If they don’t want to do Z, they won’t want to do A-Y, either. That’s actually fairly easy to work on.

  4. It’s not necessary, often not even advisable, that you go to every session as a couple. Individual sessions may help each of you open up with the counselor, who can then work on resolving the issues you both have separately, as well as the issues you have as a couple.

  5. You both have to commit to work at this. It’s going to take a combination of drugs, therapy and (so to speak) “homework.” And it’s not going to happen quickly. After all, it took your entire life to get to this stage.

  6. Why exactly does she think porn is “cheating” particularly if she doesn’t want to have sex. And even if her answer makes no sense to you, if you agree not to watch porn, then you shouldn’t go behind her back. That may not be cheating, but it’s surely betrayal - and you don’t want to have to deal with that, as well.

  7. I know it was a rhetorical question, but trust me, neither one of you wants to have a spouse who’s running around with other people while you’re trying to deal with sexual problems as a couple.

If you love this woman, and she loves you, don’t give up until you are absolutely convinced that the two of you will never resolve the problem.

Can you have an intellectual conversation with her? As a psychologist I can recommend lot’s of things to do. One would be possibly changing your counselor to a behaviour therapist. But first off, you need to have a good, no-kids-around conversation with her and decide if you two will ever be on the same plane of thought. Two kids need to be factored in here as well. Make sure you guys are solid, take the steps to make sure you are both on the same wave length. It may be aversive at first but that is what needs to happen before anything else. Otherwise counseling and other such supposed fix-its will not work. Do you know your wife well enough to ask her seriously how she feels about your relationship? Do you know her well enough to know if she’d lying or telling the truth to the counselor.

And Quell that anger ok! That can be the water running through the crack in a rock…slowly wearing it away until it’s to late.

This guy said it better than I could. Seriously, you need to decide if this relationship is worth sacrificing your life’s happiness. I’m thinking it’s not.

Dx2,

Just chiming in to say hey, I am completely in awe that you are sticking with things instead of just fleeing as many men would do. Lots of people have given you some great advice.

Some thoughts that I’ve had:

  1. is your wife on Birth Control pills? They killed my libido, they also made me horribly depressed.

  2. How does your wife THINK about sex? Does she think it’s dirty? Is it something your community thinks is dirty? What’s the liklihood that inside, she’s thinking she’s doing something bad or sinful if she engages in (or worse) enjoys sex?

  3. random thought Re: the porn. Depending on how she views herself, and sex, porn can be really threatening to a woman, because it seems like a replacement. That she’s not letting you get a leg over doesn’t fall into the equation, it still seems like competition.

Those were just my thoughts.

Well, I was all set with my “Men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved in order to have sex” line.

But it sounds like you have a whole lot more going on, though. I think Sappho has a good point on figuring out what is causing her low libido. Then you can take it from there. More better counseling, and good luck.

My ex-wife and I had trouble in the sex department. Our case was different in that we both wanted sexual interaction but other issues in our life affected those intimate times and made them less than satisfying for either of us. Before we broke-up we did the counseling (together, separate, group), read books…you name it. Here are some thoughts I got from these experiences.

  • Certainly a marriage is an exercise in compromise. Different people want different things and that’s fine. From your description in the OP it would seem the compromise is almost entirely on your shoulders with a rare acquiesence to sex on her part. That sort of lopsided formula will lead either to divorce or a lifetime of unhappiness…neither of which you want.

  • It is hard to say what your wife ‘should’ do as we don’t know why she is sexually frigid. If it is past abuse then she will need to seek therapy and deal with it (which can be a very lengthy process and the results are anyone’s guess…she may well hate sex anyway despite the therapy).

  • If it is not past abuse or a medical condition (sex can be painful for some women) then there are things that can be tried. While in therapy my ex-wife mentioned to her therapist that she was mad that I jerked-off on my own. To her mind if I wanted sexual release I should do it with her. Her therapist asked her if she masturbated and she responded no…she never did (which I believe was true). The therapist told her that jerking-off for a married guy isn’t a big deal (as long as it isn’t to the exclusion of ‘regular’ sex) and suggested she go buy herself some toys or porno or whatever worked and take care of herself once in awhile. My wife told me all of this and I 100% supported the idea. Within a few weeks my (then) wife was coaxing me to the bedroom with promises of more interesting sex. Masturbating and fantasizing allowed her to re-kindle the flame of sexual desire to a higher peak.

  • Unfortunately the item just above came at exactly the wrong moment. I too was seeing a therapist and at my ex-wife’s prodding she felt I should go on anti-depressants. These drugs did indeed destroy my libido to the point that just getting an erection was a dicey affair at best. Personally I found the drugs to be a complete waste of time for me…they didn’t help in any way I ever saw (or my ex ever saw and I’m not actually a depressed person anyway…for some reason they thought it would help), muddled my thought processes and killed my libido (of course that is just me…for some people they work wonders).

  • As others have noted a LOT of sexual intimacy isn’t sex at all. It is being close, holding hands here and there, cuddling on the couch once in awhile, doing sweet nothings for each other and so on. Sex is by no means the end result of any of that (although it can be). I don’t know what your wife does for a living but she might be overwhelmed by work (paying job or raising kids), home, family and so on. Efforts on your part to lighten the load, take her out, treat her unexpectedly and so on can go a long way to re-building an intimate relationship. (Note: I’m not saying you don’t do these things but you didn’t say so I offerred it FWIW.)

  • Finally, it is great that you are sticking in there and trying to work something out. IMHO our disposable society has made marriage a little too disposable. That doesn’t mean there is never a time to call it quits but conversely you made a committment (as did she) and the effort needs to be put in. I’m not saying run or stay but you need to be clear on where the line may be drawn. Fight the good fight, bust your ass to make it work but define your limits and fight for your needs as well (e.g. if you aren’t getting any then you should certainly be able to masturbate which is normal and healthy even in a good sexual relationship…if you need some porn to help out then so be it).

Another vote for checking medication. The Lady B was on antidepressents (Prozac) that performed a “chemical libido-ectomy” to borrow your term. A change in medication to Lexapro returned her sex drive.

The new medication is not included under my drug plan in the same category as the previous. It costs $25 for her to be on Lexapro than Prozac and it’s worth every penny.

As always, with meds, YMMV.

My wife also doesn’t like it when I surfed porn. I love her enough to respect her wishes on this and have not search it out for quite a while. Others may disagree with my decision to leave it alone but if it’s important to her that I don’t imbibe, then it’s my wish to try to honor her in this.

It’s hard to not get angry. During the worst of it, I was keeping a tally sheet of just how often we had sex. She wanted sex so little that she just didn’t realize the time between trysts. For a while it was (literally) one or (at most) twice per month. Before the Prozac, we didn’t have sex because of the depression, after it was the Prozac getting in the way. With the new stuff, we have a much more normal sex life (normal for a couple with three kids under the age of six, I’d guess).

Obviously there’s a lot more than the meds at work in your life. Still, it’s a comparitively easy change-out to try something else.

Good luck.

I normally don’t return to fix typos but this one makes context difficult:

It costs $25 more per month for her to be on Lexapro than Prozac and it’s worth every penny.

Well, except for a few details (such as I am a man) what YOU wrote is what my life has been these paste few years. I have a little bit more stick-to-uitiveness tho, Ive been married 18 years. I nearly got divorced at the end of last year. We went to counciling a few times and I just decided to let everything stay as they are until a better things falls on my lap.

My wife gets her libido back with about 2 strong drinks. Unfortunately, her orgasms simultaneously come with dizzy spells and a rapid exit to the porcelein altar for some regurgitated offerings. Puking noises is not really what I had in mind as the afterglow after sex. I posted on another thread that I was phobic about vomit.

My wife and I live like roomates. We see each other at night, do our separate tasks and then sleep together. Literally sleep. The lack of intimacy precludes my even asking for sex. Its just has no satisfaction. I can get the same effect masterbating with none of the psychological baggage. I can count the number of times we’ve had sex this year on my fingers with some left over.

I’m sorry…this turned out to be a rant. I cant really relate to the OP because his wife takes medication. My wife never took that kind of medication. her libido-ectamy is self inflicted.

If you find out what works, please post it here. I would very much like to know.

Thanks for the comments. Internet access at work was screwed because of the lovely worm that’s been going around, so I couldn’t answer til now.

X~Slayer(ALE), I feel a lot like you do towards my wife. We’re like people who work together and our job is being married and raising kids. I don’t get enough (IMO) of the little initmate kinds of touches and what not that people who are intimate should do for each other. When I try to get close or be initmate, she acts like I’m smothering her. Maybe I am.

The kids a re a big wrinkle in the whole equation. I think having the kids did something to her hormones and she’s just different now. The birth control pills and the anti-depressants I’m sure play a part in this. It’s difficult to get her to schedule a dr appointment to talk about it (changing the meds, that is). She has mentioned that she’s feeling like she’s depressed again.

Being a mom is hard work and her days are filled with diapers, potty training and laundry and doctor’s appointments and gym classes etc. Since our return to counseling I have made a dtrong effort to help around the house more. She goes out with friends regularly, as do I. She has so much to keep track of and sex, for her, is waaaay down the list. She is quite comfortable not discussing her abuse history with the therapist. It’s quite fin ewhere it is, all tucked away. She expressed utter surprise that someone we know could discuss her own past abuse openly at a party. I said “Maybe that’s because she’s dealt with it and you haven’t”. She had no answer for that.

Tomcat, thanks for taking my side in this. :wink: I see the logic in the idea of separation, but I don’t see how it could work financially or kid-wise. That would be a huge step, and a very public one. I’m not sure I could handle the questions and what not. Wow. Tha thought makes me nervous.

My next step will be to call the counselor for an appointment. I think.

Thanks all.

Well, it turns out that I was (am) suffering from depression and after about a year in personal therapy I found out what I was depressed about. My wife. After coming to terms with that, most of my symptoms have subsided. There is no more anguish and pain. Its more of a dull ache that never goes away.

Dude, all I can suggest to you is what I did to get myself out of the deep end of my depression. Take a vacation. Not to someplace to visit relatives and friends and taking the kids and all of that. Take a real vacation, just the 2 of you. Go to some place exotic, anyplace that is so far removed from your everyday life that it makes it feel like a dream. Plan it so you dont sweat the money, the hotel, the towels, the kids or anything mundane. Splurge, be different, force her to take a new perspective. Shake her up a little. Dont allow her to get back into herself and allow that depression to take her over. Show here what its like to really live. Talk to her. Let her open up. Find the real deep down reason why she is depressed. Since the medications are not working, its something on her mind. Make her remember what it feels like to be happy again.

If it works, she will set goals, plan her life to be happy and so busy that she forgets about being depressed. Heres to hoping you are included in those new plans.

BTW, if the worst happens, think of yourself and do the things that will make you be happy. The rest will fix themselves.

I second the ‘see a sex therapy specialist’ advice. Alone if you have to. (My first therapist was a sex therapist in specialty, but saw me for solo counseling - she had good ideas.)

You sound very much to me like you are cycling abuse on each other - that is, it is abusive to disconnect from you when you seek intimacy, and it is abusive to send (even subtle) demands for sex when she hasn’t dealt with her sexual issues. So, you’re both increasing each of your sexual issues, rather than decreasing them. Bad spiral.

See a specialist. I’ve been in a relationship where the more I needed to NOT BE PUSHED, the more he needed sex, and the more he needed sex, the more I needed to not be pushed for it. I finally broke up with him (we weren’t married), because the more he pressed, the more my libido died, and the more my libido died, the more he pressed. It took quite a while to get it back, even with someone else (two someone else’s later, actually, as the first one had his own issues with sex, too). He finally got into sex therapy (after his second post-me-disaster relationship) after I asked him if ANY of his relationships had ended over something that wasn’t sex. They all ended because of sex, which meant that he had an issue that was his to handle. He went to a sex therapist (alone), and discovered that all of his stress processing was through intimacy, and all his intimacy was processed through sex. He was technically a sex addict. You noted that you get little out of the little moments of intimacy - that is a HUGE red flag to me that you have a flaw in your own process that needs to be handled - all channels point to sex. It sure as heck isn’t the only flaw in your relationship overall (she’s got issues issues issues), but since you can only work on you, you might as well do as much work as possible on you, NOW. Besides, even if you do split up, you’ll just carry the same issues with you to the next woman, and end up in the same place. Better to deal with it now, and have a chance to not have to try again elsewhere, without your kids.

If you can handle your own issues with sex, really, not just ‘no porn’ (or ‘not where she can see me’ which smacks of sex addiction, too), but actually deal with the whole package, then you’ve got a way to break the cycle. If she won’t break it herself, then it is up to you. But it can be broken, and repaired in something that isn’t a downward spiral. Stop blaming her - not because she’s blameless, but because it is useless to do so - and work on you. Really work on you. Make you as perfect as possible, as flexible as possible, as resilient as possible, as sane and whole and normal as possible. Then look around again and see where you are. In the meantime, stop grousing. Get off your butt and do the only thing you can DO, which is deal with your own cr*p.

As for her reaction? Pretty normal under the circumstances. Not good, just completely usual. It took me a while to get to where I wasn’t over-reacting to any suggestion of interest (and I did improve before I had dealt with all my abuse issues - it can start from either side… if you can get you both dealing with the sex issue independantly, it will probably force the abuse issues to the surface, if she deals with the abuse issues, it will force the sex issues to the surface - either way, you have a chance). I still go through phases where even a hint of suggestion is too much for me, and I push back. It always causes a problem when I do. But at least we know that it is a problem, and we recognize the cause, and we can generally track down where it came from (my side or his). And my husband knows that pursuing me under those condistions just makes it worse. We have to kind of drop into brief stasis (no push, no pull) to be able to reset and start over. Mostly involves us getting cranky at each other, pointing out that we’ve stopped communicating well, muttering about breaking our own rules, and letting it go. But we can do that. He also knows how to make contact not about sex, even though he’s not always perfect at it. But knowing that I can snuggle with him, and have his body react, and STILL have it be not pressuring to me is a gift beyond measure.

Also, I found it a huge turn off to never be the apparent reason for the interest (in the previous guy) - he was always up for it. Always. Which meant is was all about him, and I could be anyone. I was not ‘the’ woman to whom he was responding, I was any woman to whom he would respond. Might not be entirely accurate (he probably was thinking about me, and definitely seeing me), but close enough to feel icky. I prefer a guy whose sexuality isn’t always turned to max/insta-hot, so that I can get a response from him that is from me, caused by me, in response to me. That creates, for me, a deeper sense of intimacy, and more satisfaction. Otherwise, it is a biological function with no meaning. Granted, sometimes it IS a biological function with no meaning, but that’s only fine if it also feels like it isn’t just about him, but about us. A sex therapist will help with those issues, too.

And do discuss changing her meds with the therapist. Her meds affect you both. It is worth exploring alternatives.

You should get a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage. Read the first chapter on Amazon. It completely hits home and will probably be perfect for your situation.

The important thing to realize is that this situation will not change until your wife is motivated enough to make it change.

I would suggest sitting down with her and saying something like how you love her and want to stay with her, but it causes too much pain to be in an intimate relationship which doesn’t include sex. If the situation cannot be fixed, then you will have to leave once the kids are grown. And you might have to follow through on that. Because that’s the point. If keeping the marriage together is not an important enough reason for her to work on the issue, then it’s not worth staying married. (Unless you have kids in which case you should try to come to a compromise until they are raised).

I can completely understand how someone could not be in the mood for sex sometimes. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay to completely disregard that need. For those people with a sex drive, it can be almost impossible to supress it. Certainly difficult to do so. And if you’re being asked to supress it, there needs to be a very good reason. Like she’s so wonderful in every other way that you can still be happy even without sex.

Unfortunately you two seem to have many issues before the sex thing can even be worked on. I would say it’s reasonable that a relationship must be at least good before you could expect sex to be a part of it. You at least have to like each other.

What if you resolved to not have sex for 6 months or a year. During that time it’s up to you to please yourself. It might help if you had the mindset that it’s not going to happen. I know for me, a big part of the frustration is wondering if tonight’s the night, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe the next night…

I dont know about DaddyTimesTwo but I really dont believe I am a sex addict. First of all, I am getting used to not having sex which when I think about it is really quite sad. There are some things I really wish that my wife would do that would rekindle my feelings for her. These are things that I cant tell her much less explain to her or it will be a contribed situation.
**I miss her spontaneous hugs. She used to hug me when she saw me or if we’ve been apart for long. You can tell a lovers hug from a regular hug. If you cant, then I cant explain it adequately. I ninitiate hugs now whenever I feel the need which is now largely ceremonial and sometimes she wont even hug me back. She would just stand there with her arms hanging down or holding whatever and wait for me to finish.

**I miss her kiss. The kiss i got before I married her. The kiss we made at our honeymoon, just before our first child was born, the first night when our baby slep at out house… its gone and i miss it so much

**I miss that smile she gives me from across the room. The sparkling “hi” she did with her eyes letting me know she is thinking of me even when I am not by her side

**I miss her touch. That very special touch she makes that makes my skin warm and I tingle with electric excitement when I feel it from her hand. That touch on my face makes my whole day. I can feel her love in that moment of contact.

**I miss the sweet little things she did that outwardly looks childish and silly but fills my soul to the brim with such love for her that it brings a tear to my eye knowing that she hasnt done that in years and actually doesnt rememeber doing any of it.

**I miss the tenderness. The soft loving things she did just for me. The mothering, making me feel special, the special care she took for the things that I need or wanted. the rapport, that special bond between us. that too I feel is gone.

**I miss her even when shes standing right in front of me.

Do I really need a sex therapist for that?